Compulsive liars - why do you do it?

[Smokeandashes]

The chat about Walter Mitty types made me think about a guy I was friends with at uni (I use the term loosely!). He would tell the most obvious lies... Like Jay from the Inbetweeners... He got 20 As at GCSE - this was before As had been brought in but they brought him in specially for him because he was so bright. Then they were introduced for the rest of the population a couple of years later. He had been offered a place at Cambridge - all paid for - but turned it down to go to our (shite) uni. He was offered a record deal by P Diddy. 99% of the time we didn't call him out on it because, I think, we were too polite? He had a bit of a mean streak and I never wanted to get on his bad side. I guess it comes from a place of insecurity but I would love to know if anyone on here is a compulsive liar? Did you grow out of it? What's it like to be related to one? I find the whole thing a bit spooky tbh. I think it's different from someone lying about their CV and then being trapped in a web of lies they can't get out of.

I had a Uni friend who used to lie. I don't know if it was compulsive lying but she definitely lied a lot. It wasn't usually big things like knowing famous people or holding a fake PhD, it was smaller, silly things. Like if you said you like a certain band, she might agree until someone who she felt was socially superior who said they didn't like said band, so she'd say she didn't either - and add "but BaggoMcoys loves them hahaha". It sounds really stupid but very grating when it's happening constantly. She also invented a whole boyfriend and lied about taking drugs she'd never had and things like that. All her lies were designed to make her appear a lot cooler than she actually was. I think she was very insecure. I remember going shopping with her once and she bought a new dress, the next time she wore it I complimented her on it and she told me she'd had it for years. It was just weird.

My ex lied a lot, but I think he reserved that for me. Again it was usually stupid things. He'd deny he had done things he had done or deny saying things he had said, generally made me think I was crazy. I think it was gaslighting.

@BluntlySpoken my (ex) friend was also always having miscarriages (except she wasn't.) She had to be the centre of every story. There was always a (usually made up) drama. The thing is is that sometimes there really was genuine drama but it was impossible to weed out the truth from the lies.

With both the liars in my last post, I grew to recognise they had special lying voices. I could spot the lies by the tone of voice and certain facial expressions. I'm no longer in touch with the uni friend but my ex is dd's father so we're in regular contact by phone and I can always hear if he is lying.

@BaggoMcoys the compulsive liars I know had tells, an old boss would use the word 'actually' repeatedly within the same sentence, and another one I knew would go into what we referred to as 'bullshit mode', the whole face/voice/persona shifted and everything from that point onwards was embellished or made up, but perfectly normal at other times. So odd to watch.

@BaggoMcoys

With both the liars in my last post, I grew to recognise they had special lying voices. I could spot the lies by the tone of voice and certain facial expressions. I'm no longer in touch with the uni friend but my ex is dd's father so we're in regular contact by phone and I can always hear if he is lying.

ARGH. That is fascinating though. Must be a physiological response to lying?!

and another one I knew would go into what we referred to as 'bullshit mode', the whole face/voice/persona shifted and everything from that point onwards was embellished or made up

Bullshit mode sounds like what my ex does!

I think that miscarriages are a relatively common thing to lie about. Impossible to disprove and would almost universally get sympathy (quite rightly so).

I’m a compulsive liar on a small scale. By this I mean I don’t tell big lies about things you’d question (like OP’s examples) but I find myself lying about mundane things like my likes and dislikes. Just things that have no bearing on a person’s opinion of me. Sometimes I’ve found myself telling lies that make people think less of me— e.g. both of us love singer A, but I would say I hate them.

It irritates me to no end because they slip out before I have a chance to think, and then they catch up with me later. It makes me look an idiot when I’ve said I hate food, and then a few days later go on to say I adore it.

I was abused as a child and lied constantly to try to get out of trouble (didn’t work of course because there was always reason to be angry at me), now I struggle to stop.

Texting/emailing helps me because I tend to type whatever comes to mind (inc. lies of course) the first time round, then I force myself to think clearly the second, and edit them out. With people I am very comfortable with I tend to correct myself if I happen to lie.

@Puffykins

I had a friend who just lies constantly - always to make herself seem better/ grander/ richer/ more popular etc. Although it's everything from "I've already bought 87466 cupcakes for your DCs party tomorrow" (turns up with something completely different, never mentions the cupcakes again) to "I am invited to x celebrity's wedding" (on the day x got married, she went to Peppa Pig World - not the wedding at Babbington House.) I've known her really well all my life, so I know she wasn't abused etc. - she actually had a very privileged upbringing but always felt that she was somehow owed more. Her father was the same. And now she's got DC and she lies in front of them about them, saying that they're at a particular private school when they're not, they're at the (excellent) local church school, and I've tried to persuade her to get help and offered to support her in getting help but she won't and I can't take the lies any more (she told w mutual friend lies about me) so we're no longer friends. It's very sad actually.

Is the lie about the DC's school consistant? As in she lies that they are always at X school... Or does it vary?

I knew a couple of girls at school that told lies about everything. Made up boyfriends, abortions every month. I was good friends with one and she lied so much that when she was pregnant I didn't believe her and honestly thought there'd be a report about a baby being abducted. Thankfully she was actually pregnant! I then found her on a forum on the internet and she was still making up boyfriends on that, quite bizarre. She seems to have settled down now.

I worked with a guy who told all sorts of weird lies, like how he was a dancer on tv, which knowing him, was the most ridiculous thing! I can't remember what else he told us. But he did then boast about his teen girlfriend (he was in his 40s) which we rolled our eyes at, but it turned out to be true and they married and had a baby. I'd love to know how that ended.

Currently avoiding someone (which hasn't been too hard for the past year ) who tells constant lies as I'm afraid I'm going to say something and her cronies will make me the baddy. She seems to have people in her thrall with her woe is me tales, but I saw through her quite early on.

An ex of mine used to lie about the stupidest of things. Things like, he’d say he was shopping with his mum but actually it was his nan. Why bother? Especially why bother when I’m coming over to yours and I’ll probably ask your mum about it at some point?! Mind you, maybe he was just laying the ground work as we split up (twice) and both times he was cheating. He didn’t admit it to me, but our mutual friends did. Only after he’d dumped me of course

DH lies, and it drives me insane. I try very hard not to show it, because it’s obvious it comes from a place of insecurity. Stuff like - I’ll ask him if he remembered to post something and he’ll say yes. But actually he did forget. It’s not a big deal, it can wait till tomorrow - but I can hear the panic in his voice about it. He doesn’t even know he’s doing it. His parents doled out very strict punishments for everything which I’m sure is what it stems from. He’s much better now, although he does tend to say things like “yes but actually no”

@Smokeandashes the school varies. Sometimes because it has to - because the person she's talking to will actually have children at the school that she is claiming her children go to - and sometimes I think maybe she just forgets. But she has gone to extraordinary lengths to keep up the lie to some people, to the extent of taking her children out of school on certain days in order to fit in with private school holidays. It must be exhausting. I mean for her, to remember everything that she has told other people.

I know one. Her Mum has psychological issues and I think she compulsively needs to make herself seem amazing because she thinks no one would like the real her (but then ends up sabotaging friendships with impulsive hurtful lies).

@JackieTheFart

An ex of mine used to lie about the stupidest of things. Things like, he’d say he was shopping with his mum but actually it was his nan. Why bother? Especially why bother when I’m coming over to yours and I’ll probably ask your mum about it at some point?! Mind you, maybe he was just laying the ground work as we split up (twice) and both times he was cheating. He didn’t admit it to me, but our mutual friends did. Only after he’d dumped me of course

DH lies, and it drives me insane. I try very hard not to show it, because it’s obvious it comes from a place of insecurity. Stuff like - I’ll ask him if he remembered to post something and he’ll say yes. But actually he did forget. It’s not a big deal, it can wait till tomorrow - but I can hear the panic in his voice about it. He doesn’t even know he’s doing it. His parents doled out very strict punishments for everything which I’m sure is what it stems from. He’s much better now, although he does tend to say things like “yes but actually no”

I am crying with laughter at someone lying about going shopping with their mum not their nan! Yes I agree that instinctive lying about having done chores when you haven't seems to come from people whose parents were overly harsh

Puffykins - that is completely weird and surprisingly dedicated about the school term times! I wonder what will happen if / when her kids find out?!

I was at 6th form with a girl who lied constantly. Her dad worked for Nasa (he didn't). She had a Saturday job, and was promoted to assistant manager with her own office (at 17? In a department store you worked 4 hours a week in?) She got an unconditional offer to LSE but chose instead to go to Coventry Polytechnic.

Very odd. She was an bright young lady, but it got to the point where we just accepted that anything she said was likely to be a lie.

I've done this myself as a teen/young adult when I was trying to impress love interests. Eg saying that I worked in a cool night club (when I worked in a supermarket) or that I went travelling to India alone (rather than with a group). I wanted those people to fall in love with me but they both realised I was lying.

Perhaps for me part of it was that I have always struggled to feel and own my own feelings. I had a very difficult family life as a child and had to hold back my own feelings in case my parents got angry. I think this kind of upbringing has made it easy to hide my real self in order to portray a different kind of person.

I work with a guy who often tells lots of tales of crazy weekends. Somebody pointed out to me that he never has any photos of them though.

One Friday he said he was going out in fancy dress with twenty mates, on Monday I asked if he had a photo of them and no surprise, not even one photo.

In this day and age I find that quite odd. Lots of other things don't add up so I just take everything he says with a pinch of salt now

I think compulsive liars actually believe their own lies.

@lachy

I was at 6th form with a girl who lied constantly. Her dad worked for Nasa (he didn't). She had a Saturday job, and was promoted to assistant manager with her own office (at 17? In a department store you worked 4 hours a week in?) She got an unconditional offer to LSE but chose instead to go to Coventry Polytechnic.

Very odd. She was an bright young lady, but it got to the point where we just accepted that anything she said was likely to be a lie.

This sounds so much like my friend. Totally absurd fibs which are obviously untrue. The sort of ones which older relatives might kindly describe as "tall tales"

Like a few others on this thread, I’ve told my fair share of lies in the past - mainly in my teens. I don’t think I’d call it compulsive though. it definitely allowed me to communicate in a way I was usually too shy to about ‘real’ feelings. I also didn’t lie about anything big. It was little things - like liking this or that/or a conversation I’d had with a random person at the bar etc - and often based on/derived from some actual truth.

I was also (sexually) abused as a child. I’ve always felt this was a contributory factor- so it’s interesting to see that the others who have admitted to lying on here have said they’ve been through the same.

I had a traumatic childhood, I was abused and spent a lot of time in different peoples' care. I learnt to adjust myself to fit in with the personalities and expectations of the people I was with. I didn't tell outright lies but would often tell people adjusted versions of the truth that would gain their approval or attention - almost like I was editing my personality. I still find myself doing it. I wouldn't call myself a compulsive liar by any stretch but I can see how some people could end up that way.

I had a friend at uni just like this too. She told all sorts of completely implausible, outrageous lies with a straight face.

An old friend of mine got a job as soon as she left school and met her sons father at work. She never had a boyfriend before him. She used to belittle him and tell him that some guy she used to date, who was 'loaded' used to buy her all the expensive Louboutin shoes, jewellery etc and one day, he died and he had left her his Range Rover in his will. It was funny cause I never knew the guy, she had never mentioned him before, I never saw the shoes or jewellery and I certainly never saw a Range Rover, just an old corsa! She just used to say this to make her sons father buy more things for her. They eventually split up and she told people he beat her up one night and detailed everything that had happened. What she doesn't know is that her ex worked with my brothers best friend and they were on a stag do that weekend in Prague. The attack didn't happen...

Thing is, she denies ever saying these things!has no recollection but I remember it clear as day! That's just the tip of the iceberg for all her lies. That's why I ended up distancing myself from her.

My Dad was a compulsive liar... and to this day I have no idea which of his tales were true and which weren't. He was a very clever, articulate man who cheated his way through 2 of 3 marriages yet was worshipped by the women he married. No idea why, but he seemed to genuinely believe his own bullshit.

My DS1 was a terrible liar..from early childhood his default was to lie about anything he was asked. I joked that he'd lie about his name if you asked him. Thankfully by the end of his teens he had more or less grown out of it and is pretty normal now!