Too nice? Honestly, how can you be too nice?!

[ImReallyNotYouKnow]

There is someone at work (male, if that makes a difference) who keeps telling me that I am too nice. What does that even mean? And how can someone be too nice?! It seems nonsensical to me, because you can be certain that if I went around being horrible, or telling people to fuck off, nobody would be happy with that. I dont understand.

I say that sometimes about my manager, he is so nice he's a pushover.

Yeah, it equals "doormat" for me too I'm afraid. Are you a people pleaser?

Could it be a euphemism for - you're a pushover / doormat? I have used it to describe one of my colleagues when that was what I really meant.

Could be saying you're a doormat. Or it could be a compliment because you're lovely.

It means you don't have good boundaries.
Which in practice means you put other people first and let them walk all over you, even when it's evident that this will result in your own abuse or exploitation. It's not wise, and it's not mature. Sometimes you need to recognise other people's motives and step away from being 'nice', for your own good and so that other people don't take advantage of you.

I can totally appreciate that it means that I am a pushover, no problem. But it seems a bit.. Unfair, for want of a better word, because as I said, if I started being stroppy people wouldn't like it. So why is it worse to be too nice than to be the other way?

Yes I think when people say that it's because niceness doesn't always come across as authentic. I say that as a fellow too nicer. Its people pleasing.

I get told it all the time. I am a Head of Department in a secondary school. I am not a pushover!

I don't know what makes people say it and I'm fast getting to the point where I don't care!

But the options are not nice or stroppy. There is middle ground.

For context, the same person will also say that I'm a lovely caring person, stuff like that.

Do you spend a lot of time flapping/asking for reassurance? I tend to use it as a euphemism when someone is overly anxious about what others think, but I know if I say that directly it will cause more flapping.

If you don't, then it's possible he is just being a dick. Some people will always find something to criticise.

And tell me that the fact I will do anything for anyone is why they (professionally) like me. So, it does not really all hang together. How do I find the middle ground in all that?

Too nice = inability to maintain boundaries; putting others’ needs before your own to your detriment.

You can still be nice but assertive.

Who cares what he thinks? Are you happy with you? Do you do your job well? Because nothing else matters.

Do you allow people to walk all over you or are you able/willing to push back if needed?
If they don't mean that you're a pushover, do you come across as a bit fake?
I can think of two people in my life that come across as so sweet and nice that it doesn't seem genuine at all.
You can be nice without people walking all over you or putting on some weird Pollyanna routine.

You being "too nice"/a pushover, isn't a problem for others, but it may be a problem for you, i.e. causing you to get walked on/ taken advantage of, whether you realise or or not. Your workmates are probably just gently telling you to stand up for yourself more - because they're looking out for you. I don't think they mean it as a criticism.

He means you take too much crap - or that you avoid conflict.

You don’t have to be stroppy (you aren’t a teenager) but if you have a job with any kind of responsibility then to do it effectively you have to be comfortable with standing up for yourself/your firm or saying things people may not want to here.

You post is slightly childlike (equating assertiveness with stroppyness), have you always been a bit of a people pleaser? It may be he thinks you are able but this fear of upsetting people is holding you back, so try and take the positives from his comment and if you like, talk to him about what you might approach differently.

What's the context of the 'too nice' comment? Had you just agreed to do someone's photocopying while they went for a coffee, or were you just holding a door open for someone? There's being nice and polite at work and then there's letting people take advantage of you, and perhaps he things your doing too much of the latter. It's up to you if you're happy with your interactions, just ignore him. But you could think through whether you take on too much because you don't know how to say no.

Yes, I can be anxious, a fact we both openly acknowledge, but it isn't really used in that context. So, recently, I brought in baking - I'm too nice. I was asked to take part in a task that physically wasn't the best for me (someone else pointed out that physically it wasn't the best for me), I said (since I don't really believe that I have the right to refuse a request at work) - I'll go and try, and if it hurts I will stop and come back - again I'm too nice. I just thought I was being reasonable about it.

Wait, people think being nice is inauthentic? Wow. Imagine having that shit a worldview, that you think everyone is either not nice or fake.

I'm nice. I smile. I text people to make sure they're OK if I know they've had a bad day. I bring in cake occasionally. I do more than my fair share and I do what I can to take stress off my staff and students. If people think that's 'people pleasing' or fake I suspect that says more about them than about me.

I also stand up for myself and have awkward conversations and discipline kids. You can be nice and have balls.

It sounds like it's not an attack but concern. You'll do anything for anyone. They benefit from that but can still it means you potentially get taken advantage of in some way.

Op. There is a mid place between being a walk over and being stroppy. It’s not one or the other as you’re writing.

The ability to articulate your needs, set boundaries etc without “ telling people to fuck off” is that mid point.

Too nice means you’re unable to articulate your own opinion, set your own boundaries etc. But being able to do that doesn’t mean you need to walk about being stroppy and telling everyone to fuck off. You can do it firmly, politely and keep people on side.

Would you be questioning it so much if a woman had said this to you?

Maybe he feels your being taken advantage of you and he is not sure how to voice that without coming across as "mansplaining" so is trying to hint with saying your too nice.

It means lack of boundaries. It is definitely possible to be too nice.

But everyone is presuming this random man is right. It really doesn’t matter what he thinks of OP is happy and is performing well at work. We don’t have to take on board what random people say about us.