Too nice? Honestly, how can you be too nice?!

[ImReallyNotYouKnow]

There is someone at work (male, if that makes a difference) who keeps telling me that I am too nice. What does that even mean? And how can someone be too nice?! It seems nonsensical to me, because you can be certain that if I went around being horrible, or telling people to fuck off, nobody would be happy with that. I dont understand.

‘Too nice’ can mean you make bad decisions to please people and then everyone else has to pick up the pieces. It can be a bit of a problem. Men are just as guilty of doing this at my work.

@ImReallyNotYouKnow

Ask him. Is he your boss? If so he should be giving proper feedback. If not just ask him why he says that? If your cakes get even and everyone is happy and you like doing it, carry on. Just don't become the dogs body. "oh I'm will do that, she'll do any job, even the crap ones no one likes, it's fine, she just likes being liked."

It's worrying that in a customer services job several of you are being asked and expected to do jobs that you aren't physically fit for. That isn't ok and actually if more people said "sorry, it's not safe for me to do that" they'd have to review their practises.

This is so wrong. Random man criticises a woman and the woman is made to feel like she has to change. Fuck that.

I don’t really understand the whole “it’s clear I am the problem”. What problem? You came on mumsent and asked how can you be too nice. You were told how. And you’re being very defensive about the answer.

It’s only a problem if you’re in some way unhappy. If you’re totally happy ignore the guy and you do you.

Spending your time thinking about what one bloke has said about you, is being “too nice”.

Don’t let ONE person’s comments affect how you live your life. If this is a problem then lots of people will say it - your family, all your friends - not just one man. And not strangers on MN either! We don’t know you!

Remember, everyone speaks from their own perspective. We all carry baggage. So this bloke might actively be carrying round a burden of a time where he was taken advantage of, or mocked or bullied, and he has decided that happened because he was “too nice”. So now he’s vowed to be a tough nut and is passing that wisdom on to you.

Your own experience is different. Your kind, nice personality won you your job. It makes you feel good about yourself. It’s something you take pride in. It’s not actually a problem for you at all - in fact, it’s an asset.

Don’t change all that for one man.

@Bluntness100

I don’t really understand the whole “it’s clear I am the problem”. What problem? You came on mumsent and asked how can you be too nice. You were told how. And you’re being very defensive about the answer.

It’s only a problem if you’re in some way unhappy. If you’re totally happy ignore the guy and you do you.

No but to be fair Bluntness, you never understand... You see the world as very black and white.

@LoveDrunk

This is so wrong. Random man criticises a woman and the woman is made to feel like she has to change. Fuck that.

Aye... and a whole heap of women trip over each other in the rush to crush her further. Depressing.

You need to ask this person using these words what HE means.

He could be right or he could be jealous of you and what a ‘catch’ you are professionally and be trying to undermine you.

You could say ‘you’ve said I’m too nice 3 times now, what exactly do you mean?’ Maybe he doesn’t realise how rude he’s being.

If you don’t feel too stressed or put upon at work then ignore it. Easier said than done of course. Just remember, people say all kinds of dumb shit, you don’t need to pay attention to it if you don’t want to.

In fact paying too much attention to the bs coming out of his mouth is actually too nice.

OP - I haven't RTFT but from my own experience, it depends on context. I am (I think) a naturally nice person (learned behaviour from my late DM). I was told in a job appraisal years ago by a manager I respected that I was too nice. By explanation, it meant I was too willing to say yes when I worked in a job where I needed to say no a bit more or yes, I can but it won't be until X (if that makes sense!). For me, it was constructive criticism and I had to work on overcoming my natural instincts a bit as it made me more efficient and effective in my job. So, yes, there are occasions where you can be too nice.

ForwardRanger

If you're concerned about feminism, then you might want to reconsider how you feel about women giving unbiased professional advice to another woman as to how they handle their work relationships.

(which isn't saying that any or all of us are RIGHT, but I can assure you that I'm not answering to support the interests of the man who provoked the question)

What do you think about asking the guy what he meant, OP, and asking for examples?

Also is he a manager or just a random colleague as that might affect how you should ask.

What's your internal reaction when you think about asking him? Or saying to him "You know John I've been thinking and I don't think I am too nice, just for the record I have great boundaries, but thanks for looking out for me". If that feels like something you'd never say, or something not "nice" to say, maybe you do have an issue with asserting yourself? If not, you're probably fine

@LoveDrunk

This is so wrong. Random man criticises a woman and the woman is made to feel like she has to change. Fuck that.

Absolute leap there.

I have mostly worked in a female dominated industry (albeit at some times in mainly male environments) but the times that niceness is an issue with boundaries has always been about a female manager having to deal with it in a female member of staff or vice versa.

Whilst I do think some of the issue is wider male induced expectations of women being nice in society causing the instinct to prioritise nice, its undermining to suggest that women can never be wrong just because a man mentioned it.

I'm about as far away from a male apologist as you can get whilst still being sane.

Its infantalising to women to suggest they can never be in the wrong because a man happened to point it out. Why do you think women aren't strong enough to consider if one of their behaviours is not useful?

Regarding refusing to do something. You can’t refuse to follow a reasonable instruction from your superior, but it’s not reasonable to expect someone to do something that may hurt or harm them.
If you felt stressed by the idea of refusing and did the task, even though you knew you shouldn’t really, then that could be worth you looking into why.
Assertiveness is really important in the workplace and I say that as someone who is a manager and still really struggles with getting the balance right. My issue is that I am flexible up to a point but when people push it, the boundary is there and they’re surprised by it. This can lead to emotional outbursts on their part. I know I need to assert boundaries more effectively at a lower level so they don’t even begin to push it.

Well, maybe ask him. Or bring up his comments at your next meeting with your manager.

This particular chap's motivation could be all sorts of things. He could be envious that niceness comes so easily to you. He could be trying to create a narrative about you as a 'too nice' person, as a way to put you down and sow doubt in others' minds, or he could be warning you that you may be perceived that way and it might go badly for you.

In the potential injury example, would it not take up more staff time for you to have a go, injure or near-injure yourself, have to withdraw and have someone else take over, than if someone else did it form the start? isn't that an example of your kneejerk acquiescence burdening your team?

No but to be fair Bluntness, you never understand... You see the world as very black and white

Well I’m not too nice. Stop judging people like you know them from comments on an anonymous forum. 😂

As I said, I didn't do the task, primarily because someone spoke up for me and that was listened to, however if I had gone ahead I would have stopped and asked to be removed as soon as it started hurting because I know that that would have endangered my working future. I think it's reasonable to at least try, but most people disagree with me.

isn't that an example of your kneejerk acquiescence burdening your team?

No, it really isn't.

I can be too nice at work, I am working on it as it means as other PP have mentioned you become a doormat and fundamentally it hurts your own progess and career

Partly I think there is a lot of thinking that women are either “nice” or a bitch and there is a huge middle ground where you are pleasant and friendly and all those things without taking crap from others

Reflect on whether you constantly put other people and their needs equal to you, or above in the work context. If it’s the latter, this could be adjusted

I would find it helpful feedback tbh. I have heard the same from female (peer) colleagues

And overall keep in mind “feedback is a gift” (ie you can regift / chuck it out etc) but it is a good thing to honestly reflect on how the feedback could be true and if it were what you would do as a result

@ImReallyNotYouKnow

I'm not in that kind of position though, I literally couldn't leave my post to do that kind of thing. As for the pain thing, other people in my department are currently doing tasks (not our usual work) that are impacting them physically, the same as me. By and large they just get on with it, therefore I feel it is unfair of me to not make the same effort. As it turns out I was not sent to do the task, but had I been as soon as I was aware I was putting myself at risk I would have left and requested to be removed. I feel that is being fair and balanced and considering the others in my team doing the same. Having said that, from the majority of responses it's clear that I am the problem. I will go away and think about that, a lot.

Op. If you're happy the way you are, a d bring nice suits you, and you don't feel you're being taken advantage of, then that's fine.

You came on here asking got opinions, which you got. That doesn't mean you're 'the problem' but that was quite a passive-aggressive comment and could be an indicator that you're not entirely happy with the status quo?

As pp have said, ask this chap what he means. Only you will know if it's problematic or not.

What was this task that was suitable for you to try until it hurt and then get someone else to finish rather than just say it wasn't suitable? And no, it won't be outing

@ImReallyNotYouKnow

As I said, I didn't do the task, primarily because someone spoke up for me and that was listened to, however if I had gone ahead I would have stopped and asked to be removed as soon as it started hurting because I know that that would have endangered my working future. I think it's reasonable to at least try, but most people disagree with me.

Well why did it take someone else speaking up for you? Why didn't you do that? It sounds like you were waiting to be rescued?

Ask him next time. Seriously, only he can tell you what he means.

We can only tell you what the expression "too nice" means to us.

I’d take this to mean not standing up for yourself enough and or not expressing opinions which someone else might not like even if they are what you belief and or are right. People pleaser basically.
Which is ok if you’re happy as you are, but can be pretty liberating being more assertive and caring less about what others will think.
(Need to try this myself I hasten to add)

Op, some of these replies are downright depressing. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with being a nice person, as long as you don’t also let people walk all over you.

Fuuuucks sake. Where are all these people in real life, nice as pie to my face but writing extremely cutting things online? I’d rather nice all together. Just a genuine, honest person who tries not to hurt others here.

You be yourself Op, you sound just lovely.