Too nice? Honestly, how can you be too nice?!

[ImReallyNotYouKnow]

There is someone at work (male, if that makes a difference) who keeps telling me that I am too nice. What does that even mean? And how can someone be too nice?! It seems nonsensical to me, because you can be certain that if I went around being horrible, or telling people to fuck off, nobody would be happy with that. I dont understand.

@lottiegarbanzo

Being kind, thoughtful and considerate are all great, lovely qualities, can really help a team to work well together and can help set a positive culture in the workplace, so you are doing a wonderful, positive, constructive thing. 'Own' that and don't let anyone take it away from you.

What comes out from your posts though, is that you have a very binary view of workplace behaviour, as either 'lovely', or 'openly horrible'. You don't seem to have any idea what polite assertiveness looks like, never mind how to do it. Standing up for yourself, asserting your limits, can be done nicely, politely and with charm.

The fact is, people respect people who say no sometimes and with ease, far more than they respect people who say yes all the time (and might struggle to complete the task, fail to do another task, or fail to look after themselves).

Within a team, one person being 'too nice' can be a liability, because they fail to assert the team's boundaries and might end up agreeing to take on work for other people that isn't really the responsibility of their team.

Yes - OP, do these examples help?

Our landlord arranged an external visit to our currently empty offices with no notice. They got through to one of our staff, a nice woman, who said that the woman who arranged it was in a terrible flap about failing to arrange it, so she went to let the visitor in. Except I needed her on duty. I needed things from her urgently. She chose to be nice to someone else without checking on how it affected other people.

Second example - at an event. One member of staff guarding a lot of expensive stock (another person helping but had nipped to the loo). The storage area had been broken into the night before, so we were being extra cautious). I had been full on since 7am and at 2pm was finally taking a break. The member of staff guarding the stock decided to abandon it to come and bring me a cake.

I didn't need a cake. I needed the £70k of stock in a vulnerable location guarding, and I needed five bloody minutes to myself.

In both scenarios the "nice, kind" acts didn't reduce the amount of stress - they either put it on someone else, or they added to it.

I think the term means different things depending on industry. In mine its not a good thing. It means someone who isn't boundaried and very often does the "nice" thing rather than the job they need to do.

Think the equivalent of a nurse who spends all morning picking up a special lunch and extra special nighties for a patient but then doesn't have time to give them their medication , check their observations ring the doctor for a review.

In our industry too nice is a real problem because its often not as nice as people think. Its often that the person wants to feel like they are being nice and ends up causing everyone else more work or stress for their own gratification of feeling like a good person.

I used to get told this a lot....then l became much more assertive - since turning 40 l don't care about pleasing others so much so maybe it is a gentle way of telling you to look after yourself more.

Taking in baking could be ok depending on the workplace and if it's a genuine hobby of yours. I can see the point that there is a sexist view of women as being second class citizens who are there to serve their betters ie men and providing food can be part of that, hence why some women won't make the coffees at work because they aren't your freaking secretary.

From what you’ve described, you are a doormat. Why on earth would you agree to things that are affecting your physical health?? Grow a backbone and set some boundaries.

I work in customer services. I was actively "pinched" from another department for my current department for my people skills with customers and fellow staff.. I was told that by my most senior boss. The boss below that told me that getting me moved to her team was their greatest achievement that year. I dont have any authority at work to make those kind of decisions or take on work for the team, so I have no opportunity to unbalance my team. So, I may be too nice, but in some sense my niceness is obviously something they want and value, and that is confusing to me.

OP, you sound like a great team member and he is probably jealous of you because your colleagues like you and not him.

But Op being nice to customers is a very different thing. Unless you always give the customer exactly what they want when you shouldn’t.

You need to seperate the two out. Being nice to customers v how you behave to your colleagues.

If you don't understand, ask him.

Unless he's also 'too nice', he'll tell you.

You have missed that I was also actively recruited for how I am with fellow workers. Not just customers. And no, I don't give them everything they want.

@ImReallyNotYouKnow

I work in customer services. I was actively "pinched" from another department for my current department for my people skills with customers and fellow staff.. I was told that by my most senior boss. The boss below that told me that getting me moved to her team was their greatest achievement that year. I dont have any authority at work to make those kind of decisions or take on work for the team, so I have no opportunity to unbalance my team. So, I may be too nice, but in some sense my niceness is obviously something they want and value, and that is confusing to me.

'Niceness' isn't the same as being good at your job and equally saying 'No' to things that don't work for you and aren't a pre-requisite of your job does not make you 'not nice'. Especially if that 'thing' you've been ask to do could result in pain. Why would you put yourself in the position of doing something that could hurt you, simply to please someone else and appear 'nice'?

But you've heard this from lots of people now and don't seem to think it's a problem so you do you!

@Bluntness100

But Op being nice to customers is a very different thing. Unless you always give the customer exactly what they want when you shouldn’t.

You need to seperate the two out. Being nice to customers v how you behave to your colleagues.

Yes, we use this as an interview question - what's the best support you've given a customer.

One man very proudly described how he cut the red tape, didn't let his manager get in the way, sorted something out - but what he was describing broke several important financial regulations.

Very simply, OP, nice is not the highest standard of behaviour possible.

(I am not particularly fluffy myself, and a fellow manager at my company was appalled when I fired a woman. He was proud that when he had had a disciplinary with her under his management, it ended in a hug. Her first offence was racially abusing a member of the public - but hey ho, at least he did the NICE thing not firing her.)

This is bonkers, all we can tell you is what we individually would mean by it, no one knows what your colleague means so don't stress about someone else thinking it has a negative connotation

Either ask him, stew about it or forget about it but don't base your decision on what strangers think.

Of course they want and value it, they are getting to take you for a ride and you are doing it with a smile on your face. It's a massive win for them. To be clear, the want and value your behaviours, they aren't valuing you as a person.

Your example of trying something you know could be physically hard when presumably there are other people who wouldn't be at risk made me so uncomfortable. In a work environment this attitude leaves you open to being manipulated.

I'm sure you are very lovely OP but I would be a bit eye rolly about the cakes and doing things that might cause you physical injury.

In that circumstance it's better than a more physically equipped person does the job efficiently the first time, not faffing back and forth with 2 members of staff and a potential shitload of forms to fill in if you come to harm.

*that a

@ImReallyNotYouKnow

You have missed that I was also actively recruited for how I am with fellow workers. Not just customers. And no, I don't give them everything they want.

For the fact you’ll even do stuff that could cause you physical pain and are too scared to say no?

In a work context “too nice” tends to mean lack of boundaries.

Managing someone who lacks professional boundaries and is a people pleaser is really hard work. Years ago I had a lovely and very knowledgeable woman on my team but she spent so much of her time training people from other functions; mopping up tears in the bathroom; organising other people’s projects that it became intolerable.

I’d call her and she’d say “give me a minute I’m just helping Jane with outlook” or “I’m explaining the T&E policy to Fred”. No amount of pointing out she could and should direct them to IT or fianance ever made a difference.

Resources are to scare in most organisations for a direct report to be a shared service.

I do think women in non senior positions should avoid bringing in baking etc. I realise how unkind that sounds but I do get a bit frustrated with it.

You are letting people walk all over you. Your colleague can see other people using you as their lackey and feels sorry for you because he can see you are clearly a lovely natured person.

Why would you put your health a risk to do a task requested of you?

Do you have trouble saying no more generally?

It's perfectly reasonable to say no to requests at work in a nice way and in fact most managers would expect you to set boundaries. Example... 'I'd like you to take on X work' reply, 'As discussed previously I am at capacity, I won't be able to take that on as my other work would suffer as a result. Sorry I can't be of help on this occasion.'

Some people just have nothing nice to say. Don't waste your time on their opinions.

By the way, OP, if you value niceness, perhaps consider thanking the people on this thread who have made the effort to engage with your work issue?

(and not just posters who agree with you, either)

@Frogella nobody should feel obliged to take in baking but if you enjoy baking and don't want to eat it all yourself then not taking it due to appearances is ridiculous. Be yourself. Not especially feminine, and equally not hiding anything stereotypically feminine either.

I'm not in that kind of position though, I literally couldn't leave my post to do that kind of thing. As for the pain thing, other people in my department are currently doing tasks (not our usual work) that are impacting them physically, the same as me. By and large they just get on with it, therefore I feel it is unfair of me to not make the same effort. As it turns out I was not sent to do the task, but had I been as soon as I was aware I was putting myself at risk I would have left and requested to be removed. I feel that is being fair and balanced and considering the others in my team doing the same. Having said that, from the majority of responses it's clear that I am the problem. I will go away and think about that, a lot.

@ImReallyNotYouKnow

Yes, I can be anxious, a fact we both openly acknowledge, but it isn't really used in that context. So, recently, I brought in baking - I'm too nice. I was asked to take part in a task that physically wasn't the best for me (someone else pointed out that physically it wasn't the best for me), I said (since I don't really believe that I have the right to refuse a request at work) - I'll go and try, and if it hurts I will stop and come back - again I'm too nice. I just thought I was being reasonable about it.

If a colleague complains you're "too nice" because you took in baking, well they're just being an arsehole. Very rude and unnecessary. Some people are just dicks and not worth worrying about.