Too nice? Honestly, how can you be too nice?!

[ImReallyNotYouKnow]

There is someone at work (male, if that makes a difference) who keeps telling me that I am too nice. What does that even mean? And how can someone be too nice?! It seems nonsensical to me, because you can be certain that if I went around being horrible, or telling people to fuck off, nobody would be happy with that. I dont understand.

Colleague: IRNYK, you're too nice
IRNYK (after checking that nobody else is in earshot): Go fuck yourself.

Problem solved.

I have never told anyone that they are too nice, but I do find people who don't speak their minds a bit unsettling to deal with. I feel like they won't push back if I do something they don't agree with or if I ask for something that they don't want to do. So that means I have to double think every interaction that I have with them, once from my point of view and once from their point of view which is a huge mental load. Life is so much easier if I can rely on someone to say "That's a bad idea because ..." or "I would be better if ..." or "I don't have the capacity for ...".

I think they might be saying 'you're too nice' to mean 'stop making me look (and feel) shit' in comparison.

If you are the teacher's pet, you may have set the cat amongst the pigeons and peoples' noses may be put out of joint. Especially if the are actively discouraging you to take part in things.

Watch your back a bit.

Maybe next time, the response could be 'I don't think I'm too nice, maybe you're just a dickhead' but it might get you fired.

Your example of been willing to try something that would most likely hurt you due to an existing condition because it was asked through work, is been too nice because it's detrimental to you.
When I say someone is too nice it means I think they're such a giving person they will sometimes go to far at a cost to themselves and be taken advantage of by some people.
So if you do a lot of nice things and lots of favours for people but it's never offered in return or given when asked, you're been a doormat.

You say upthread that your colleague says this is why you are liked professionally.I think you are doing the right thing, you are an employee who needs job. After all, Perhaps her professionalism has been called into question and she wishes you both to be on the same level?

There is a way in which being a martyr is annoying. My mil does it. It is saying "oh I don't mind, you choose" when she actually does have a preference and then somehow seething about it because I have gone ahead and chosen rather than engaged in some kind of "oh no, you must have a preference" dance or mind reading. It casts me as the baddy and feeling bad for disappointing her when if she'd said "actually I'd rather do X" that would have been totally fine. There's also a way in which being "nice" , genuine or not, can be bland and insipid because you never express any kind of point of view.

This might not be you. This bloke could be an arse and is putting you down to make himself feel better, but your answers don't cast you in the best light. Surely you can see what people are saying and judge whether it applies to you, or whether you care?

if I had gone ahead I would have stopped and asked to be removed as soon as it started hurting because I know that that would have endangered my working future

But that is a great example of what everyone is saying - that being nice is not necessarily helpful to you or helpful to your employer.

If you had started the role and then had a problem then a) you may have physically hurt yourself, causing you health problems and I assume your employer problems having you off on sick leave, AND b) if you had stopped doing the job then the employer is back to square one and has to find someone else to do the job, having lost time with you trying.

You standing up for yourself and pointing out that your physical condition means you are not appropriate for the role is not only asserting yourself, but also helping your employer.

The thing is why give a shit what this guy says. It doesn’t matter what he thinks. If you’re genuinely happy then he’s an irrelevance.

The fact you care so much, have been very defensive, think that if you’re not proactively agreeable then you need to be stroppy and aggressive, can’t see a mid ground, suffer from anxiety and find yourself doing things you know is not a good idea or fundamentally don’t wish to, then maybe he has a point.

I wonder if he’s touched a nerve. And deep down you know you go out your way to please people and be liked, sometimes to your own detriment, and that fundamentally you’d prefer to assert your own boundaries but don’t know how or can’t bring yourself to.

This sort of thing often impacts more than just work. It usually impacts people’s personal lives as well. Where people either take advantage of you or don’t bother with you, leading to a relatively lonely and often miserable life.

An inability to assert your own boundaries can lead to problems in many areas.

Agree on boundaries and being a doormat. Just to add this it can also mean predictable which also means dull.

The chances of you being hurt. When I was asked about a duty in a job I knew it would be bad for my back, I have scoliosis and this was an office job and we were moving offices. So I refused politely. That is a perfect example of you being too nice.

Does this apply to you?
I belonged to several organisations, a mix of voluntary, Local Civic Society, and professional, the local branch of professional Society which I had to belong to maintain qualification.
Then invited onto one committee, OK. Then another, then Secretary of one needed replacing then another needed a treasurer. I could not / did not refuse because the organisations were all doing good things.
It all dominated my life. Family finally objected and I cut down.
Family resumed number 1 place in my life.
I learned to say, "Sorry but No".

As a new line manager of an all female team, I have inherited a staff member who might be described as “too nice”. I wouldn’t use that term myself but other members of the team have described this very lovely person in this way.
The way it manifests itself is members of other teams, say Team A approach my team for help, most of my team members will offer advice and instruction to help Team A person do the job themselves and are then able to get on with their actual job. “Too nice” person will do Team A’s job for them trying to be too helpful. This means that other members of my team are left doing the actual job that they are paid to do, while “too nice” person faffs around doing other peoples jobs. Also when Team A comes back again for more help there is the expectation that someone in my team will do it for them and when they get told a polite no the other team members are seen as less nice people who refuse to help, unlike “too nice” person. So Team A people then single out “too nice” person to ask for help knowing that they will do the task for them and the problem just gets bigger.
Yes as a line manager I have now communicated with the other teams saying that while we are happy to provide advice or instruction we are not here to do it for them. I have had to take “ too nice” person aside and point out that their efforts to be “too nice” are having a detrimental effect on their team mates. It was a hard conversation as the “too nice” person really didn’t understand that by not enforcing boundaries it was having a negative effect on the whole team. I had to say to them that if they really couldn’t say no they should refer the asker to me and I would happily say no for them. Over time the “too nice” person gained in assertiveness and was able to enforce team boundaries.

I've tried really hard to explain that the above is NOT the case. I am sorry, but I can't say it anymore clearly.

@Maskedrevenger - you sound like a really great manager!

"You'll do anything for anyone. They benefit from that but can still it means you potentially get taken advantage of in some way."

This is DBrother all over. Probably why he is still single.

@Bluntness100

No but to be fair Bluntness, you never understand... You see the world as very black and white

Well I’m not too nice. Stop judging people like you know them from comments on an anonymous forum. 😂

I agree that no-one could accuse you of being too nice.

@thecatsthecats

ForwardRanger

If you're concerned about feminism, then you might want to reconsider how you feel about women giving unbiased professional advice to another woman as to how they handle their work relationships.

(which isn't saying that any or all of us are RIGHT, but I can assure you that I'm not answering to support the interests of the man who provoked the question)

Sorry but I don't know what you mean. Can you please explain?

Yes totally @BlackAmericanoNoSugar. Too nice, to me, means someone where I can't trust them to take care of themselves in an interaction so I have to worry about them as well as myself.

I agree that no-one could accuse you of being too nice

Good. I’ll take that as the enormous compliment it is.

#strongwomen, may we know them, may we be them, may we raise them.

I’ve been described as too nice by a new manager.

Yes, I am a nice and respectful human being but I’m also very assertive and have boundaries. No one who knows me would describe me as too nice.

Turns out my new manager doesn’t like me...and quite frankly doesn’t know me. I think it was her way of putting me down.