Too nice? Honestly, how can you be too nice?!

[ImReallyNotYouKnow]

There is someone at work (male, if that makes a difference) who keeps telling me that I am too nice. What does that even mean? And how can someone be too nice?! It seems nonsensical to me, because you can be certain that if I went around being horrible, or telling people to fuck off, nobody would be happy with that. I dont understand.

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Those things are kind. Kindness and niceness isn't the same. Niceness doesn't really mean anything in itself. When someone describes someone as nice it usually means kind, warm fun to be around etc. But when the describe someone as too nice they definitely don't mean too kind. Too warm. Too fun to be around.

@ImReallyNotYouKnow

There is someone at work (male, if that makes a difference) who keeps telling me that I am too nice. What does that even mean? And how can someone be too nice?! It seems nonsensical to me, because you can be certain that if I went around being horrible, or telling people to fuck off, nobody would be happy with that. I dont understand.

He means People pleaser probably

Too nice = putting yourself out for other people, to your own detriment.

Your 'I'll do it until it hurts' and 'don't have the right to refuse' example is perfect. You could easily have said 'I might not be the best person for this one, what do you think?', 'Could we have a quick chat about this task please?' (to your manager) or something equally polite, that made the point that you might not be able to do this and placed the ball back in the manager's court.

Your colleague means you'll never be promoted, because less competent but more focused, pushy people will push past you, while you apologise for being in their way.

I was asked to take part in a task that physically wasn't the best for me (someone else pointed out that physically it wasn't the best for me), I said (since I don't really believe that I have the right to refuse a request at work)

Did you even try? Did you speak to your manager and articulate that it would be problematic to you due to health issues? Or did you just assume?

As for the cake, yes that’s lovely, and quite common, and if that’s the type of team you work for, where people do this occasionally. But if you’re running around like the office skivvy bringing everyone cake on a regular basis, it could come across like you’re desperate to be accepted.

Reading your updates, two things stand out. First, don't do anything for anyone. Do your own job first, then if you have capacity help others, but don't prioritise their wants/needs over yours. That way lies being a doormat, resentment and burn out.

Second, you've set up this false dichotomy between 'doing anything for anyone' and being 'horrible'. That's not true. If you genuinely believe that unless you are putting other people's needs first you are being horrible, then that is something you need to address. It is something some women internalise but it's not true, and setting boundaries does not make you horrible.

What do they mean then NorthernShepherd? And when does nice become too nice?

@ImReallyNotYouKnow

What do they mean then NorthernShepherd? And when does nice become too nice?

Maybe you're just trying too hard? What would happen if you stopped trying to get people to like you all the time?

But maybe I do it because I like being "nice" to people. Is that very hard to understand?

Do you engage in "proactive niceness" - e.g. Getting people things they haven't asked for, making sure people are "comfortable", asking them a lot of questions to make sure you're doing exactly the right thing for them and they're getting exactly what they want?

I've known a few people at work like this and my aunt is the worst person for it I know.

It drives self sufficient people up the wall I'm afraid. My aunt wouldn't let me leave hers once until she'd fully made sure that my journey from hers was entirely optimised. She lives in London! It took her forty minutes to pore through the maps and bus schedules.

She was being "nice" - in that way that utterly infantilises other adults and makes them feel uncomfortable.

@ImReallyNotYouKnow

What do they mean then NorthernShepherd? And when does nice become too nice?

Op, everyone is saying the same thing but it’s curious you still can’t understand it and are still questioning it. Can you not see how your behaviour differs to anyone else’s?

Nice becomes too nice when you’re unable to set your own boundaries, when your aim is to please others continually at your own detriment, when you are always trying to curry favour and please everyone. When you hide your own opinions and are unable to articulate them,,you just agree with everyone.

Nice is a good thing, too nice is never a positive.

I've had this before. I found it means the person saying it is annoyed you aren't paying enough attention to their priorities (and them).

I really don't think they liked the other not nice side of me, I tried it (both being very direct and couching it) and they absolutely hate being critiqued. Whereas I don't care, if its specific, helpful and valid I'll take it.

What I do know I am or can be is too helpful towards others. I do a lot of shit to help others and it's thankless, but somewhat necessary. Defo a balance to be struck with boundaries and I've been trying to get this by having a deal with it once policy.

Is this colleague getting on better at work than you? I know there is sometimes a bit of sexism in workplaces and men do better regardless but taking that possibility into account, do you think he is more successful and/or better treated due to his more assertive attitude? Are there other females who are more assertive and being treated better? At work it's not about being liked so much as being valued and respected.

@Bluntness100 not everyone's saying the same thing. My posts got ignored

Nice is too nice when it puts your well-being at risk unnecessarily.

Mandy go check the bottom of the shark tank for cracks
But sir, Mandy can't swim
Oh it's fine, I'll just try.

3 hours later Mandy is in an ambulance and someone else had to do the job anyway. The crack got bigger in the time it all took. John could have just done it and fixed it in an hour.

In that case Mandy is being too nice saying yes to everything even when it's putting herself at risk

@ImReallyNotYouKnow

But maybe I do it because I like being "nice" to people. Is that very hard to understand?

It’s not hard to understand, as the thread demonstrates it, we all fully understand and recognise it, it’s just something no one really respects. You kind of feel a sort of pity for the person, because they are unable to ever put their own boundaries in place.

Being kind, thoughtful and considerate are all great, lovely qualities, can really help a team to work well together and can help set a positive culture in the workplace, so you are doing a wonderful, positive, constructive thing. 'Own' that and don't let anyone take it away from you.

What comes out from your posts though, is that you have a very binary view of workplace behaviour, as either 'lovely', or 'openly horrible'. You don't seem to have any idea what polite assertiveness looks like, never mind how to do it. Standing up for yourself, asserting your limits, can be done nicely, politely and with charm.

The fact is, people respect people who say no sometimes and with ease, far more than they respect people who say yes all the time (and might struggle to complete the task, fail to do another task, or fail to look after themselves).

Within a team, one person being 'too nice' can be a liability, because they fail to assert the team's boundaries and might end up agreeing to take on work for other people that isn't really the responsibility of their team.

OP, are you happy with how you conduct yourself at work? Do you feel professionally satisfied that you’re doing the job to the best of your ability? Do you make good work relationships and feel that people respect you?

If the answer is yes, then he is wrong about you and his opinion is, as my dear mother would say, interesting but irrelevant.

Being nice is great. Being too nice means you are allowing people to take advantage.

However this person's opinion could be incorrect. Taking in baking or having a go at a task is not "too nice" in my opinion. Sounds like they are being unfair or trying to upset you. If so ignore.

The other time I have been too nice is when I start a new job, I get over enthusiastic and say yes to too much. Defo learned from this mistake.

I don't really believe that I have the right to refuse a request at work?

Why on earth not? It's a request, not an order. Unless you're actually Midshipman Little? In which case - jump to it.

I also think that 'taking in baking' is something women should avoid at all costs. Let the blokes sweat over flapjacks in their precious evening hours.

@ImReallyNotYouKnow

Yes, I can be anxious, a fact we both openly acknowledge, but it isn't really used in that context. So, recently, I brought in baking - I'm too nice. I was asked to take part in a task that physically wasn't the best for me (someone else pointed out that physically it wasn't the best for me), I said (since I don't really believe that I have the right to refuse a request at work) - I'll go and try, and if it hurts I will stop and come back - again I'm too nice. I just thought I was being reasonable about it.

Based on this, he just sounds patronising tbh.

@ImReallyNotYouKnow

But maybe I do it because I like being "nice" to people. Is that very hard to understand?

No, but why do you do it? I mean taking cakes in once in a while is nice. Taking cakes in every day so you can feel validated by all the 'oh Thankyou s' and 'aww you're so greats' might need looking at.

It can appear that you have a desperate need for constant affirmation that you are 'good' which isnt healthy.

Just my thoughts