Advice please! More random the better

[HeidiHoNeighbour]

I’m bored and waiting for a delivery

Give me some advice on anything and everything.
Please so bored....

If you can't get to sleep, set your brain to work on trying to recall the names of old classmates/colleagues/your auntie's next door neighbour's children, but be sure to pick a group that won't trigger seething memories of how bloody awful they were to you. You want to divert your thoughts, not give yourself a stroke.

Sunlight removes red stains like magic

Listen to Everybody's Free To Wear Sunscreen.

LOVE this thread. Oh and don't forget your shovel if you want to go to work

If it is dark outside and light inside people can see into your bedroom so shut your curtains

Put a metal kebab skew through the middle of a jacket potato then put it in the oven... Cooks in half the time.

Don’t do drugs, mmmmmkay!

Empty out the bottom draw of the dishwasher first, once the cycle has finished.

@MrsMoastyToasty

You cannot fall off the floor.

I bloody can...

When everything feels a bit rubbish, watch Dean and Nala on YouTube 💕

If ever faced with a loose, angry ape, crouch down, bow your head and extend your arm with your palm facing upwards and cupped. Don't show your teeth and do not look it in the eye.

Common sense is not common.

If you cant sleep open your eyes wide, count to 4, close eyes repeat, open eyes repeat. Should feel eye lids getting heavy.
If you need to wake someone up touch them along their collar bone.

The 80:20 rule

20 % of the effort gets you 80% of the result and the last 80% of you effort only gets you 20% of the result.

So for most things its sensible to stop when its 80% complete.

Landing a plane does NOT fit into this category

If you see a nun approaching in the street never start walking like a penguin.
If the young man at the checkout in Asda asks what you have planned for the rest of the day just say "am off to my pole dancing class then calling in to my boyfriend's place for a quick shag."

@ViciousJackdaw I think we've all learnt that one the hard way.

We used to have a cat called Paisley and I lament not getting a carpet to match his name, at least. Stripey ginger carpets being hard to come by, even in the 1980s.

If you see a penguin approaching you can, however, walk like a nun. Penguins don't give a shit.

To remove spilled wax from soft furnishings use blotting paper and an iron. Do not try and substitute toilet roll.

If you cook like me, locate the smoke alarm well away from your kitchen. A timer works better and will not alert the fire brigade.

Terriers can climb.

Never read the side effects warnings.

@Wendyhause

If you see a nun approaching in the street never start walking like a penguin. If the young man at the checkout in Asda asks what you have planned for the rest of the day just say "am off to my pole dancing class then calling in to my boyfriend's place for a quick shag."

😂😂😂

Do not hoover out your bird cage with the budgie still in it.

budgie was recovered and went on to live a long and healthy life

Sage advice

More people are flattered into virtue than are bullied out of vice.

@OnceUponAMidnightBeery

Do not hoover out your bird cage with the budgie still in it.

budgie was recovered and went on to live a long and healthy life

😂😂

@OnceUponAMidnightBeery

Do not hoover out your bird cage with the budgie still in it.

budgie was recovered and went on to live a long and healthy life

If ds seems this post he'll be throwing our hoover away.

@Fromage love this!

Make sure your cat is a different colour to your carpet.

And your sofa.