Two professional parents working full time. How can we pull it off? Help!

[BoogleMcGroogle]

I’ve always worked but my practice is now pretty much full time ( if you add up all the 5am wake ups to sort emails etc.). DH is a partner in a law firm so pretty busy too. But is home full time, so manages a hectic laundry schedule between meetings ( or manages meetings between laundry....) We are on our knees here with school runs, household chores ( we have an unreliable, half hearted cleaner once a week), garden jobs, general life organisation ( and a DS with disabilities so he needs a bit more). But we both love our work, and are determined to make it work alongside a happy family life.

Please share some ideas about how to make it work, while still enjoying a nice family and home life. We are well paid so can throw money at the problem, but I’d rather work flexible hours than have the kids out of the house too much, as DS struggles with that. They are 9 and 11 so need a different type of attention now, but are no less needy of our time and interest.

I’d really appreciate others’ experiences.

We have a cleaner 3.5 hours a week and send laundry out. Hello Fresh twice a week, takeaway on Fridays.

It's not that hard

An Au-Pair will change your life.

I think you definitely need a housekeeper/cleaner/tidyer. Possibly someone else to take your children to school. Good luck.

You need an all singing all dancing housekeeper who drives and can therefore do school pick ups etc if necessary. (Most quite like to do this as a bit of a break from the domestic routine). It's worth weighing up the cost of housekeeper doing all laundry and ironing vs housekeeper stripping beds and having everything ready to go to laundry service - most dry cleaners will collect and deliver these days.

A degree of organisation like a rolling 4 week menu plan so that the shopping is on a four week set delivery schedule really helps. Ideally have some batch cooks in the freezer so if you need to work late housekeeper can pull something out of the freezer and bang it in the oven.

I had a fab HK when mine were that age who would do school run if I couldn't, rustle up an omelette or beans on toast for DC if I was running late from a meeting and sit them down to do homework whilst she was ironing. Added bonus was her delightful teenage son who would happily take my DC to the park/teach them to ride a bike etc and her taxi driver husband with a 7 seater to do school pick ups when there was an extra large playdate - but I know I got lucky with that one!!

I'm watching with interest as we're in the same position - two full-time jobs, two kids (8 and 10), a teenager who is currently working full time and a dog.

There are so many brilliant ideas on here, but sadly, all of them take an injection of cash. Our business has been hit badly by Covid and we've had to slash our income by about 50% while also having to work all hours to rebuild and recover.

For what it's worth, here's our approach:

Saturday - check diary for the week ahead (do we need birthday cards/Red Nose Day stuff, etc), sort a meal plan and food shop for the week, clean and tidy

Sunday - sort laundry including two sets of school uniform for the week, plan ahead for the week for work

Monday 6am - plan my diary for the week ahead blocking out my personal time for kids/school runs/appointments/dog walks/20-min Peloton sessions, then add specific work tasks around those. I do personal time first as otherwise it just wouldn't feature.

Weekdays - I get up early and start work in the quiet, usually around 6am. I sort the kids' breakfast then DH chivvies them along, dropping them off on his way to the office. I work from home to embrace the silence.

I collect the kids at 3pm, bring them home and then carry on working around them before taking a break to sort their dinner (while it's cooking, I make the packed lunches for the next day), shower or bath, reading, etc, and check if uniform is clean or put out fresh.

DH gets home around 7.30-8.30, he sorts dinner (stir fry, pasta, Charlie Bingham-style ready meals or sometimes just soup and toast if we're too knackered to eat) and tends to listen to the kids reading before tucking them in, and I then sit and pick up on emails and admin from the sofa. This feels absurdly luxurious after a day mainly spent at the kitchen table.

I tend to crash out before 10 so I can get a decent amount of sleep before getting up before 6. I am NOT a morning person and it's a struggle every day, but I seem to be quite productive at that time of the morning so it's working.

I don't feel I get a lot of quality time with the kids but they're of an age where they get home and want to disappear off to another room to talk with their friends on FaceTime, watch TV or read, but they know I'm close by. As the weather improves, I'll combine collecting them with a dog walk in a local park which will mean they spend more time with me and less time on a screen.

Their sports activity twice a week starts again soon which will make things a little trickier, but I can combine that with a dog walk and a podcast so it's not a hardship (unless it's raining, then it's miserable).

There's no doubt this is tough, but for now, we're just digging deep until things improve - which we firmly believe they will, the green shoots are already there. I miss having a cleaner each week, and I miss regular takeaways and the luxury of being able to solve things with money, but for now, it's OK.

This is like those live to work or work to live dilemmas, I personally work to live.

Get a decent cleaner . Get a decent gardener clever laundry means you don’t need to iron but if you do employ some one for this also . It’s essential to maintain a working house like clockwork . Get the children who are age able to do tasks for pocket money . Even our smallest had to do things like make their bed tidy their shoes ect from a very young age.

If you can throw money at it I’d be looking for a nanny/housekeeper with the emphasis on housekeeper during term time. They can do school drop off/pick up then do all the laundry/cleaning/household stuff during the day when the kids are at school. They can do tea for the kids and also meal prep for you if you like. Also solves your childcare over the holidays.

I really want this solution for myself, although I have a pre schooler too. Instead I have a nanny who is good with the kids but very untidy and a cleaner who is very reliable but rubbish at cleaning. I can’t bring myself to replace either of them though.

There's nothing wrong with wanting to build and progress in your career, OP, if you're good at it and you enjoy it. "Live to work" is absolutely fine if actually your work is a positive element of your life.

I'm currently working part-time and at home with my much younger DS the rest of the time. I enjoy being able to spend the time with him, but I also spend large chunks of it ignoring him (or at least trying to!) while I cook, tidy, clean, organise and keep things ticking over. I hate housework and I hate wifework. I'd much rather spend that time working extra hours to develop my career. If I could work out a way to separate the quality time I enjoy spending with him from the drudge-work that has to be done daily around the house and which often falls to me simply because I'm at home, I would do it like a shot.

That's your challenge - think about how you spend your time and try to identify the "low value' activities which add no meaning or enjoyment to your life. Then assign as many as you can to someone else.

It annoys me a bit when people say ‘ work less hours, earn less money’. In many professional jobs, working less hours isn’t an option - you’d have to change jobs completely and that is easier said than done, especially in the current climate. Some jobs are genuinely frequent 12 hour a day or more jobs - that’s the way it is.
To be honest, I haven’t seen two careers at this level work on a sustained basis for all members of the family all the time except where people have close by grandparent / other close relative support as otherwise the wheels can come off the bus when children are ill etc and need something more than paid for carer input. Of course when children are teens etc staying home alone or with housekeeper even when ill isn’t such a big deal, but it’s a mistake to think that you can outsource teen care beyond the basics. I think teenagers need the beady eye of mum and dad and for you to be there for lifts etc when the important conversations take place - you can’t schedule quality time with teens - it’s more a case of being there and hoping they open up! Of course some people outsource this to some extent to boarding school staff.
It can be done I think but takes lots of planning and thought. It helps if you’re senior enough at work to be able to be flexible. I think people focus on the downsides and ignore the positives - kids aren’t cheap and money buys you lots of freedom and choices in terms of education, fun, travel and - likely to be increasing important going forwards- health and dental care which will be increasingly restricted in the NHS. It’s also good to be able to model to kids the benefits of working hard in a career you love. Maybe it’s no bad thing that kids see that they’re the most important thing to parents, but not the only important thing.

@BoogleMcGroogle

I’m looking into getting a housekeeper. I got home yesterday to find our cleaner hadn’t turned up again and I cried on the threshold!

Yes I’d look at getting a housekeeper

My dds friend had one and it was apparently life changing for them. I wish I had one ! When I go back to work I would love to be a housekeeper I think after years of life admin, cleaning etc I know what little things make a big difference to the running of the house !

I feel your pain. We are in the same situation. I am a legal advisor for a large international company and DH has his own company with a lot of employees and responsibility.

Our kids are nursery age but the grandmas each take them one day per week each. Then nursery the other 3.

We have a cleaner and have just upped her to twice per week. We have just recently got a gardener to come every fortnight to relieve some of that work. When it's our time off we want to be able to concentrate on spending time with the kids.

It's really difficult but I've worked both part time and full time and both are tiring!

I am following this thread with interest

Sorry I forgot to mention laundry. That is a big one! We are so lucky that my mum does our kids washing and ironing so we just have to worry about our own. Our cleaner will do any of our ironing if we need her too. Clothes laundry is the most time consuming thing ever!!!

Look at the problem as you would a professional issue.

What are the main areas you need help with? When?

Outsource them.

We have a reliable cleaner, a gardener, and I send the ironing out every 2 weeks so you need enough shirts/blouses to cover that period. Wear and wash, put in ironing bag.

Ocado slot every week with a whiteboard for ordering in the kitchen. If you use it, add to the board. Two dishwashers.

Bulk buy all cards - birthday, anniversary, sympathy, you name it have a card in for every occasion. Ditto, universal kids birthday presents and gift wrap. Sign up for Moonpig reminders. Whistlefish do great cards at good prices.

Diarise every date in your phone and add in your partner via the function on the Iphone diary section.

Extra school uniform. Extra PE kits. Extra bedding, then you always have a spare set of everything ready and waiting.

Trusted Dog walker with a key.

Meal plan/batch cook
Robot vacuum
Weekly/Monthly flower delivery

Been there - done that - really feel for you. I have three children now 18, 19 and 22 and I work rather little now. You really need reliable full time help with a back up. I would suggest dividing up the work into roles and having multiple assistants. Get a really good nanny/housekeeper and a cleaner who is good at laundry including ironing. Make it clear that you expect one to cover the other. Use a good agency to recruit the right quality of person for you. Alternatively if you have space get a live in au pair plus. I had several and they were always good, some were great. The advantage is that they are always there and so can develop a good relationship with the children and you have babysitting available if you want to pop out for dinner. Depending on your living arrangements it can seem intrusive to have a live in but the au pair will usually do her job and just retire to her room. If you go this route she may also have friends here who can help out if you need an extra pair of hands. I found I needed help at weekends as well as during the week in the end. It just about worked for me and i had two elderly and dependant parents who moved in and stayed for ten years and a very non domestic husband!!

I am with @Chathamhouserules - we are two very busy, professional parents of 3 and I have had to just accept that we chose this life and it's a hectic one! I try to let some things slide now and not be too much of a perfectionist. I have a cleaner too but the girls also have jobs for pocket money, they are old enough to help and it teaches them that it's not just up to mum (!).
One of the biggest things though has been to learn to say yes to help when offered and no to other things. I just can't do it all.
My mum tells me we will look back on these times and wonder/marvel how the heck we managed. Good luck!

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

Housekeeper is a great idea!

Arrive 1pm, 2hrs to do laundry/dinner prep/change beds/post office run etc Do school run. Make kids tea. Leaves at 5pm every day.

Sounds good

Do au pairs still exist? If you get a good one,they can help out with school runs, household duties, meal prep etc.