Two professional parents working full time. How can we pull it off? Help!

[BoogleMcGroogle]

I’ve always worked but my practice is now pretty much full time ( if you add up all the 5am wake ups to sort emails etc.). DH is a partner in a law firm so pretty busy too. But is home full time, so manages a hectic laundry schedule between meetings ( or manages meetings between laundry....) We are on our knees here with school runs, household chores ( we have an unreliable, half hearted cleaner once a week), garden jobs, general life organisation ( and a DS with disabilities so he needs a bit more). But we both love our work, and are determined to make it work alongside a happy family life.

Please share some ideas about how to make it work, while still enjoying a nice family and home life. We are well paid so can throw money at the problem, but I’d rather work flexible hours than have the kids out of the house too much, as DS struggles with that. They are 9 and 11 so need a different type of attention now, but are no less needy of our time and interest.

I’d really appreciate others’ experiences.

Other people have brought up some good points. It's hard OP and I'm neither well paid and only work a few hours overtime a week but I do work full time and study in my free time (whatever free time is!). I have a dog, a toddler and 2 older step children. Luckily i work from home so can put on loads off laundry, fold/clean bathroom on calls where I only need to listen which really help. I've just asked to work compressed hours over 4 days to have more time with my toddler. I always make it a point to be in the moment with my toddler and not do any work and I think that's important. My DP works in a job where he receives calls/do work at all hours and he is often distracted which I definitely dont think is a positive but it's what he thinks is important.

Other things that help is sharing cooking whenever possible, having a robot hoover, and get children more involved. Older children are responsible for their bedroom and play room, set table for dinner and I think that is important. My toddler also loves to help clean but suspect your older ones might be passed that stage.
I think a housekeeper and a PA is a good shout. There are plenty of great PAs out there that are brilliant!

MumbleChum0 thank you. I’m really interested in this.

Au pairs! We had 8 over 7 years - perfect solution for us - happy to share any info

My husband and I were in this position. Plenty money to throw at the problem which we did - live in help, gardener etc. We did this till our eldest was 4 and youngest was 3. Then I realised how much of our children’s lives we were missing and how selfish I truly felt. I went down to 2 days work a week in a lower level job and got rid of all the help. We as a family have never been happier. Money and careers aren’t everything. Put your children first. I’m sure they would rather spend time with you than being shipped off to extra curricular activities etc.

Boarding school

BoogleMcGroogle thanks, no I’m not, but happy to pass on what I’ve found has worked for us. We have had all kinds of help over the years and have spent thousands of pounds on it, I don’t begrudge a penny of it as it gave me very valuable time with my family.

Don’t forget to talk it through with your partner and your children, their responses may be helpful.

P.s. We have only recently got a Roomba robot vacuum and I wish I had got it years ago, it happily vacuumed on Saturday, whilst I changed the beds. We can’t have any help in the house at the moment as my dc is CEV and so shielding.

I hope you can find the right mix for your family.

@Mumblechum0

When my 2 were little (DS 1 was severely disabled) and DH constantly travelling round the world, I was a divorce lawyer working 4 days a week.

Coped by paying for:

Cleaner 3 times a week, she did the ironing but not washing
2 gardeners once a week
Childminder 2 evenings a week so I could do hobby and see friends
Ad hoc caterers for 3 or 4 big dinner parties per year.

Didn’t leave much of my salary but worth it in the long run.

^* Didn’t leave much of my salary but worth it in the long run.*^

So you were working just to pay for all of the help you needed so you could work?

What do full time working families who can’t outsource everything do? Thinking about the families I know that are nurses married to teachers, probation officer married to admin assistant etc. Not really got the money to throw at the problem in the same way?

Following with interest as in the same boat!

@indy2please this is a common necessity if you want to stay in the game with a career 🤷‍♀️ . Also not everyone is cut out to be a SAHP or thinks it’s necessarily a positive thing, even if it adds up financially.

@skeggycaggy

What do full time working families who can’t outsource everything do? Thinking about the families I know that are nurses married to teachers, probation officer married to admin assistant etc. Not really got the money to throw at the problem in the same way?

Everyone I know in this position the woman has gone down to part time hours. Also lots of family help.

UncleBunclesHouse yes I know lots of families where the mum works part time. I was thinking about the families I know where both parents work full time in roles that, while reasonably paid, can’t support the ‘throw money at it’ solutions that are often offered on MN. Although I appreciate that is the OP’s situation & this is her thread.

Nanny housekeeper.

Comes in early afternoon after lunch. Makes dinner, washing, cleans kids rooms, picks up kids, does swimming/ football etc, feeds them. Leave 6pm ish.

Add in a reliable weekly cleaner for bathrooms, hoovering etc, and a gardener.

Then do online food shop. Amazon prime for last minute stuff.

School uniform prepped by nanny night before as well as packed lunch or snack boxes etc.

@skeggycaggy

What do full time working families who can’t outsource everything do? Thinking about the families I know that are nurses married to teachers, probation officer married to admin assistant etc. Not really got the money to throw at the problem in the same way?

I think often one or both parents have the sort of job that is done when it's done - that's a lot easier than the sort of job that follows you home and occupies your mind even outside working hours. Also often it doesn't actually happen - lots of women work part time and also lots have family support.

Get a cook/housekeeper - kill 2 birds with one stone. My friend does this and has an amazing time cooking batch food - she'll do a batch of stuff and some goes in the fridge, some in the freezer and also does tray bakes, biscuits cakes, 2 days a week is cooking.

House deep clean, then
New cleaner
Outsource ironing/housekeeping
Gardener
Gousto/hello fresh/simply cook meal service
One afternoon a month batch cooking - the batch lady book/Instagram is great

And the only one not throwing money at the problem....

Make a "yearly planner" with key dates that month - family birthdays, school deadlines, car insurance and MOT, house insurance renewal, pet check up, dentist due, etc etc. We found that this took time but we did it on excel and whacked it on the fridge - means that it's not down to one person to remember and sort!!

And a robot hoover!! Especially if you have hard floor, it's the best invention

I have looked at the merits of a part time housekeeper (15-20 hours), but on balance find it easier to split the work between dog walker, gardener, cleaner and then a mother’s help type role to do the stuff that a cleaner doesn’t (laundry, tidying, in depth cleaning etc.).

This is partly because I don’t want to have to employ someone, and partly because I don’t want to be entirely reliant on one person. With multiple sources of support, you may be able to persuade your cleaner to walk the dog if the dog walker is off sick, or your mother’s help to clean the bathrooms etc.

Thanks so much for all of these ideas. I am really grateful and will go through them properly this evening and make a list.

A couple of people have mentioned working less and earning less. I did work part time when my kids were younger ( and my sub was very unwell). It was great. But I’m 43 now and want to rebuild my career. I’ve built up a business I’m proud of, do good work in a shortage profession ( some pro bono) and love my job. I spent my thirties watching people (okay, men) get noticed and promoted above me and the reason I want to do this isn’t really just for the money. I’m a better wife and mother when I’m professionally fulfilled, I try so hard to give my kids the time they need ( I don’t work school holidays, for instance) and believe that if we work as a team, our family can make it work.

I know I don’t have to justify my choices. But I don’t want to come across as selfish, greedy or a workaholic. And I’m very aware not everyone can spend their way out of this problem. My mum couldn’t add it was really, really tough.

We did it for years with 3 children. How it worked was:

Really great reliable cleaners once a week (still with us 20 years later. I love them). I didn't clean much in between

Landscaping service so we didn't have to mow the grass etc.

Relentless organisation - everything diaried/done immediately

Big notice board in the kitchen with 4 months calendar on it. Everything was put on that notice board - everything. our friends used to be fascinated by it.

Keep your home as clutterfree as possible. If everything has a place you don't waste time looking for stuff

Batch cooking at the weekend. I like to cook and am fast and efficient so that helped - in 2 hours on a Sunday morning I could make dinners for a fortnight. Then I'd cook some nights but it wasn't a big thing

As much as possible, sort the next day before going to bed - so kids have their bags packed with everything they need, lunches are ready to go, clothes are picked (we didn't have uniforms), coats/boots/gloves are laid out, athletic stuff ditto. I used to have 3 rows of stuff by the front door,

I made friends in every school my kids were in. Some of those women worked full time some were SAHM but we all supported each other with lifts/emergency help outs/lifts to activities etc. Still friends with them today.

Well I tried this and failed miserably. I had a nanny. And a cleaner. And the nanny did a lot.
I think looking back I wish I'd had a proper housekeeper.

Sack your cleaner and get a reliable one
Be firm with anyone you hire. I think a lot of people don't appreciate how bloody hard it is to manage people who manage inside your own home
It is nothing compared to managing staff at work because the consequences of mismanaging someone who can be detrimental to your home or dc is HARD and scary imo anyway. I would have disciplined the office staff for the things I let our nanny get away with. Mainly because my dc loved the nanny and it would have been 1000x harder to just sack and replace etc.

Anyway.
Housekeeper and decent childcare preferably a loyal nanny
Cleaner
On contracts state properly what your expectations are for each person
All laundry ironing etc outsourced, friends of mine have it delivered door to door.

I did this for 3 years but couldn't do it once dc started school I was overwhelmed with everything. Perhaps add tutors to replace parental home work help as well unless you get a clever nanny (ours wasn't but I did like her!)

Good luck!!

OP I’m watching with interest as I’d like to get back to work but childcare for DC1 is my big worry. She has SN and post school meltdowns as you describe. I know exactly what you mean about it being unfair to put a housekeeper or au pair in that position, on both your child and that person.

When will your after school club be back up and running? In my DD’s case I feel like that would work a lot better, sounds like your DS is the same... they might be even more exhausted and flammable at the end of it 😬 but at least would behave whilst there.

That doesn’t mean don’t use a housekeeper, but they may be more useful to you for school runs and household jobs rather than post- school childcare.

Maybe you could find someone who can do a mix of home admin and admin for your business? (Have to split out the costs of course).

Have a look at BlckBx.co.uk not my business but set up by a friend. Sounds like it might be a fit with what you need?

Get a,reliable wholehearted cleaner.
Obviously.

Outsource