For those who waited to have children.. do you regret it?

[Threeelephantssingingasong]

The word waiting is subjective but I guess I'm wondering for those who waited to have children I.e before their peers and/or made other priorities e.g buying a house, getting married first whether they regret their decision?

In the current climate, I know many women (including myself) are waiting to have children and the average age for a first time mum in the UK is now 30, I imagine down to a plethora of reasons, including but not limited to.. not finding the right partner, waiting for marriage, financial reasons, difficulty conceiving etc

If that was you, I am wondering how things worked out? Did you regret it or do you feel that it was worthwhile? (The same question applies to those where the decision was taken out of the equation.. minus the regret element of the question!) If not too personal, what was your age when you conceived and what were your reasons to delay? If you could go back in time would you change anything?

As I am asking you, its only fair I also answer. I am 31 at the end of the year and myself and DP would like to get married, have a once in a life time holiday and purchase our first house.. we hope to TTC in 2023 which would make me 33! Its a decision that is not being taken lightly but we want to ensure we secure before starting a family. I am not sure whether at the age of 33 this would be classed as an old first time mum? Probably not? But to me, it's still a wait compared to my peers who are predominantly pregnant/ with young children!

Any wisdom from those who have advice would be also greatly welcomed!

It’s impossible to say OP, I know as many people who have taken years (or never) to conceive as I do who have fallen immediately. So if you wait you might struggle, if you start now you might miss pig on the holidays etc. I think if you can imagine only a future with kids in you would be safer to start trying now, better to be safe than sorry.

Miss out!

Personally I think you are very sensible, too many people seem to rush into having DC without careful consideration and thinking through the pros and cons and making sure you are financially secure.

I don't think 33 is an 'older' mum - I didn't become a mother until I was 43 ... I much preferred being a mother at that age, secure financially and emotionally, no need to juggle establishing myself in my career at the same time as being a parent etc etc. I would have hated to be a parent at a younger age but I know my choice wouldn't suit everyone.

I waited to start TTC until I was 30, had been married for 6 years by then. Took 3 years to get pregnant but that doesn’t make me regret waiting until then. I was really glad that we had that time being just in a relationship with each other, before we had to navigate being parents as well. It allowed me to have progressed enough at work to be able to have more flexibility about my working patterns than I did when I was lower down the career ladder, and enabled us to have got over the financial shock of saving for a house deposit before the financial shock of saving for maternity leave. 33 for a first time mum in my world seemed perfectly average, 3 of my group of friends had babies before me but most were after.

Yes I regret it.

I wish I'd started in my 20s. Took nearly 2 years to get pregnant with DD after a late miscarriage and then 4 years after her and 5 miscarriages, 2 ruptured ectopics and 5 rounds of IVF (and £35k!) to get pregnant again. I always wanted 3 kids by age 35 - I'm nearly 38 and do have 3 now but the last 2 were twins 🤣 our entire life has been on hold now for nearly 10'years

33 isn't too late to start if you only want one child but if you want siblings then you don't know how easy it is to get pregnant and crucially stay pregnant

Say you started trying at age 33 and struggled TTC...the NHS wait time is 2 years to be trying before IVF referral and then many areas have a cut off of age 35/36 to access Funded IVF?

thank you for your input.. I know you are completely right, we do really want children and I cant see my future without them no! It just doesn't seem the right time.. yet. This is the battle that goes through our heads, without knowing what the future holds! I also forgot to mention, we are also slowly building a financial pot to subsidise maternity.. I am the higher earner and my DP is on a temporary contract which is a little unnerving without the guarantee for a contract extension (although likely!)

I know this is not an absolute guarantee but I do have regular periods and I recently paid private for a scan on my ovaries (I had pain) and they were okay. Of course, there is a lot more to fertility (e.g sperm, hormones etc) so this is no guarantee!

I had children mid 30s and it was a brilliant decision for me. By then, I was financially stable (and independent), senior in my career, had a house and a load of life experience behind me. I assume the downsides might be being knackered in a few years and dying early but 🤷‍♀️

It suits different people in different ways but I read a lot of threads on here from women who don’t have financial independence because they had children so young and I personally think that that makes life way more difficult

@SandysMam apologies, forgot to tag you in my previous post!

I agree with @SandysMam - you never know how easy you'll find it to get pregnant until you start trying. I unexpectedly conceived DD waaay before I was ready. I was 28 and, like you, had a list in my mind of things I wanted to do first. I'm now trying to conceive my second baby, aged 32, and it's taking a while. It's possible I won't be able to have another child and I thank my lucky stars my daughter came along when she did.

So I think the question is what's more important to you? My personal view is that if you are financially secure, in a committed, loving relationship and you know you want a baby - just get on with it. You'll always be able to take that big holiday, and I'd much rather regret missing a year or two of relative freedom without a child than put it off and discover, in my mid-thirtes, that getting pregnant isn't as easy as my sex ed teacher made it sound!

I wasn't ready, I didn't really want children when I was younger and I can't think of anything worse than having children you don't want because of external pressure.

I was 29 before I met dh and then we spent 5 years together before we felt ready for marriage and decided we might actually want to try for a child. I was 36 when I gave birth, we had no problems conceiving.

I love my ds to bits but still think that we could have had a happy life without having a child so don't regret 'waiting' at all and in fact don't really count it as 'waiting' because as I say we didn't want children earlier.

Oh god, NO. I had my first, second one is due when I am 39. Absolutely adore DS, but so so so glad I waited. Travelled all over the world for work, went on amazing holidays, built up a fantastic career, made the most brilliant friends (when you could spend hours talking and not feel guilty that you should be playing with a sprog), partied like a mad thing. The memories keep me going some of the time. Appreciate that I am lucky that I was able to get pregnant within months (although had done a lot of research, and difference between chance of having kids in late thirties is v good - it's post 40 that chances slide fast). Basically, adore my baby but wouldn't have had him a minute earlier.

First at 37, I forgot to say, second at 39. People always say they'll do the fun stuff in their forties after the kids left home. I've never met anyone who actually does.

It's a really hard decision to make. I was someone who was always very sensible, wanted to buy a house & get married before having children & I was engaged in a long term relationship. That relationship ending very suddenly not my decision, but I met my now partner very quickly after & ended up pregnant within 6 months. As someone who is likes to plan everything out perfectly, I was devastated. However 3 years later, we are very happy & have recently managed to buy our first home.
I guess what I'm trying to say is, there really isn't ever a perfect time. I've travelled & done a lot of amazing things in my life, but nothing compares to my son & Id give it all up in a heartbeat for him.
So while I think you are being really sensible & I understand your reasoning. If you are both happy to try sooner, I would go for it.

@Threeelephantssingingasong

I'm the main earner by 3x DH - if we had had to save to enable me to take a year of maternity we'd never have had children. I went back to work at 18 weeks

Sometimes you have to decide what's more important/what you can live with? Saying that you are waiting until you've saved some money can often sound like.....a stalling tactic.....

Oh and there is never a right time to have children

I was 32. I have endometriosis so wasn’t sure how quickly I might get pregnant so probably rushed the decision.

In hindsight, knowing that it would turn out well, I would have put it off a couple more years.

No one can answer this for you OP - as you just don't know how easy it will be until you try.

For us, we started trying at 26 and I fell pregnant immediately. I was very happy, that was what we wanted. We were lucky in that we owned our own home, but it was very small, we weren't married and hadn't travelled. Of course we don't regret it, but I'm a little sad we didn't travel more.

I would definitely get married before having kids though - I didn't realise the legal implications when I made our decision - we are married now.

No, I don't regret it personally. I waited until I was in a stable relationship with someone who wanted children and also until I had a permanent contract in my profession. I was 34 when dc1 was born.

Dh was made redundant a couple of years later and then went on to experience extended periods of ill health which made holding down a job very difficult so I had to be the breadwinner. I'm very glad that I made sure my own career was secure first or we'd have probably lost our house.

I wouldn't say that 33 was an older first time mother personally. It certainly isn't around here.

I got married the year I turned 30, and we started 'trying' about a year later. After trying, investigations, IVF & finally adoption assessment I eventually became a mum via adoption the year I turned 40.

You can't plan everything to be perfect. Only you can decide though whether the risk of slightly too early would be worse than the risk of late or never.

DC 1 was born when I was 30 and DC2 when I was 33 (conceived first time). No regrets at all. I would choose exactly the same age with the same age gap again, it's been perfect.
Having said that I'd been with DH for ten years. But remember, women are usually left with the DC when relationships fail and I wanted to minimise that scenario as far as possible.

I was 36 when I had my first and last, had always imagined to be late 20s but life doesn't always pan out as imagined. Do whatever feels right for you and your partner. Xx

Not at all, I became a mum at 35. DP became seriously ill soon after and is no longer able to work. I was/am at a stage in my career where I can support my family on my own.

Yes in some ways! Menopause + teen combo is a killer.

Having said that, I had lived a bit, travelled and had a good career before I got pregnant. And we had financial resources for me to be a sahm for a while. And I think I was very patient during toddler years which I may not have been if I had been younger. However, I would very much like more energy now!

If I had the choice of doing it all over again, I would have had DC when I was in my early , not late, thirties.

I regret waiting. I under-estimated how much kids need other family members not just their parents. How much you as a parent need a break and a night out so you rely on family babysitting. I made the mistake of not having kids until my parents were in their 70s. So they’re too old to babysit.

If I’d had my DC ten years earlier I could have gone back to work, had hobbies, nights out with DH, because my parents would be young enough to babysit. Instead I’m trapped and my marriage is being destroyed due to lack of alone time.

The other issue is having hope for the future. Have kids at 20 and you can still have a life at 40 after they leave home. But have kids at 40 and you won’t be able to have a life after they leave home because you’ll be too old.

We waited until the same age as you and I don't regret it as I conceived in the first month of trying for both DC and was lucky enough to have trouble free pregnancies and deliveries both times. If my experience had been different I would undoubtedly feel differently.

I was 35, took a long time and started trying at 27, so I suppose I think about how it would’ve been had I been late twenties.

I certainly feel more tired than I would have. We are in a much more sensible position in terms of financial security, but life is also harder for us now in terms of health and family (bereavement etc).

That being said we had a lot of fun before children, while friends who had them young are having more fun as theirs are more independent.

I suppose whether you do it earlier or later than the norm, you still still get a good chunk of fun!