For those who waited to have children.. do you regret it?

[Threeelephantssingingasong]

The word waiting is subjective but I guess I'm wondering for those who waited to have children I.e before their peers and/or made other priorities e.g buying a house, getting married first whether they regret their decision?

In the current climate, I know many women (including myself) are waiting to have children and the average age for a first time mum in the UK is now 30, I imagine down to a plethora of reasons, including but not limited to.. not finding the right partner, waiting for marriage, financial reasons, difficulty conceiving etc

If that was you, I am wondering how things worked out? Did you regret it or do you feel that it was worthwhile? (The same question applies to those where the decision was taken out of the equation.. minus the regret element of the question!) If not too personal, what was your age when you conceived and what were your reasons to delay? If you could go back in time would you change anything?

As I am asking you, its only fair I also answer. I am 31 at the end of the year and myself and DP would like to get married, have a once in a life time holiday and purchase our first house.. we hope to TTC in 2023 which would make me 33! Its a decision that is not being taken lightly but we want to ensure we secure before starting a family. I am not sure whether at the age of 33 this would be classed as an old first time mum? Probably not? But to me, it's still a wait compared to my peers who are predominantly pregnant/ with young children!

Any wisdom from those who have advice would be also greatly welcomed!

Pros and cons, but yes, on balance I do regret waiting. I suspect pregnancy would have been easier and I'd be much less tired now.

@XiCi

Travelled all over the world for work, went on amazing holidays, built up a fantastic career, made the most brilliant friends (when you could spend hours talking and not feel guilty that you should be playing with a sprog), partied like a mad thing SNAP. Was 39 when I had dd and absolutely no regrets waiting, in fact I thank my lucky stars my life panned out that way.

I find the freedom/travelling reason odd - you can always do that after you’ve had children, it doesn’t expire like your fertility does. Plus you would probably appreciate travelling more as when you’re younger it’s all just about getting pissed etc which you can do here
I backpacked round Europe for months with friends in my 20s then on a round the world ticket for a year with my now DH. No way is it comparable to travelling when youre older. Just a completely different experience. And yes you may be getting pissed but getting pissed after hiking the grand canyon or trekking in chang mai or getting wasted at a full moon party or yachting in the whitsundays is a lot fucking different to wandering up to your local, having 10 pints with the usual crowd and getting a donner on your way home.

I don’t think mid 40s is too old to travel? That’s how old I will be when my daughter is 18!

And you can fit all of that into a few years, I did the Thailand full moon party stuff etc when I was in my early 20. Will be picking up where I left off without the stress of setting myself up when I’m back!

@SandysMam yes, I know but the midwife told me that they don’t use that term unless the mums are older -can’t remember if she said 45 or 50 now (this was some time ago!!)

@Tal45

I wanted to wait until we had a house, married, had done some travelling. I had mine at 30. I think your timescale is good, don't feel pressured by what others are doing x

I think that’s about right, if you can get yourself in a position to do it. A good decade of freedom/holidays, but more able to cope physically with pregnancy and toddlers etc. Plus more freedom in your 50s!

Such a difficult question to answer, I waited 7 years after getting married to start trying at 31. We then had problems and we adopted when I was just short of 40.

I don’t regret waiting as I have lots of life experience, I’ve travelled, I don’t feel like I’m missing my social life in the same way I would have in my 20s, and maybe most importantly I am financially secure and secure in my career.

I regret that I don’t have the same energy, most of my friends kids are a bit older than my DS, so I don’t have any “mum friends” and I do worry about making plenty of provision for him as he is unlikely to have us into his 40’s or 50’s.

There's pros and cons to both surely. I don't have children yet and I am 29. I am not absolutely set on having them but I think I am more likely to have them than not. I can't imagine I'd be the same person if I had kids already, as I come from a poorer background so without wanting to make it sound awful it would have held me back a lot. I'm glad I spent my 20s enjoying myself and doing lots of things I would never have been able to if I had kids early.

33 isn’t old and most likely you’ll have no problems conceiving. However, if I had waited until 33 I would have regretted it as i would probably not have my children due to premature ovarian failure (which I had no knowledge of until I started ttc at 26).

On the flip side of things, I had DD at 25 by accident and while I don’t regret having her, I do wish I could have had a bit more time to enjoy my freedom, just be a couple with no responsibilities.

We made a conscious decision to wait until we were in a position to be good parents who could offer our children a good life, free of any resentment of ‘missing out’, married and financially secure (enough for essentials, but not affluent).
I have encouraged the children to grow their careers to a point of being able to pick and choose work, to be married, to have a family home and not to be in a position where children were a strain on finances.

I believe every child has a right to be planned and wanted by both parents. I think being confident in your relationship and not having undue stressors helps that process.

I was 29 when I had my first DS, fell in love with him immediately, loved being a mum, but no way would I have wanted him to arrive any earlier, DH & I had a great time, travelling/work etc. No regrets at all.

@ClearMountain

I regret waiting. I under-estimated how much kids need other family members not just their parents. How much you as a parent need a break and a night out so you rely on family babysitting. I made the mistake of not having kids until my parents were in their 70s. So they’re too old to babysit.

If I’d had my DC ten years earlier I could have gone back to work, had hobbies, nights out with DH, because my parents would be young enough to babysit. Instead I’m trapped and my marriage is being destroyed due to lack of alone time.

The other issue is having hope for the future. Have kids at 20 and you can still have a life at 40 after they leave home. But have kids at 40 and you won’t be able to have a life after they leave home because you’ll be too old.

I had my only at 38 and disagree with the point about having no life after they leave home if you wait. I think now all I want to do is be with my child and watch them grow, no burning desire to go out partying (in a usual world) or travelling without my child etc, I did a lot of that in 20s and 30s so it feels out of my system.

We also wouldn't be where we are if we had done this sooner. I didn't realise I wanted kids until 37! I just want to make sure I'm around until at least my child is middle aged!

Personally, as soon as my children were born, I started calculating. When they're 18/20/30/40, how old will I be? And I just thought about how I wanted to be around for them for as long as possible/see them go through life/grandchildren etc. I know there are no guarantees that I'll live to an average age or they'll have kids etc. But it did/does worry me a bit. I wouldn't have wanted kids too young but nor would I want to be any older when I had them. Ideally, a few years younger.

I'm not in the same age range but I waited until I bought a place and married my boyfriend.

I married mid 20s and it took nearly a year and a half to conceive , we'd been together for 7 years by the time we'd conceived. If I had known it would take as long I would have tried a lot sooner .

I had DD when I was 27, and DH and I keep having a conversation of how we can't do this when we are older or how people do it at their 40's, we basically have no energy left. Also, my parents had me when they were older and when I was young I remember always worrying how much time I've got left to spend with my parents (I know, maybe a bit odd) but that has affected me in wanting to have kids sooner so I can spend more time with them and have more energy, I always think by the time DD is 18, I'm only this age...I'll still be able to do this and that.. And DH and I will have plenty of time for ourselves to do whatever we want when she is all grown up

I'd say 32/33 is completely average - in fact I don't know anyone who (intentionally) had a baby under 30.

I was 37 and I do wish we'd done it a couple of years earlier as I'd intended, but I was having a mental breakdown at the time so not ideal. Before that we were saving for a house, and I'm certainly glad we did that before having a baby.

I'd definitely want to be in a financially secure position and own my own house. Have some fun holidays if you haven't been together very long - cement your relationship as a couple, because a baby will test it to its limit.

I was 32 with my first and 36 with my second, waiting was definitely the right thing for us even through we've been together since early 20s. Gave us chance to be carefree (and hungover a lot).

However, many of my friends were younger and now their children are becoming independent whilst mine are still at primary.

Tricky one. I'm traditional and wanted marriage and a home before kids. I met DH at 29, got married at 31, then had difficulty conceiving. Finally, after IVF, had DS at 34. Have had 3 more rounds of IVF which have all been unsuccessful. I'm now 38.

I wish I had met DH sooner. I wish, possibly, we had started trying to conceive earlier but I truly believe it's better to be married before having kids. If I could go back, I wouldn't have waited so long to seek fertility help.

Theres a really odd assumption that you're knackered as soon as you hit 40 and therefore parenting is so much harder. I'm no more tired or physically decrepit than I was at 30. My pregnancy was a breeze. I'm tired because I'm a new mum but I'm absolutely no more tired than any of the other new mums I know, in fact I'm definitely starting to get some energy back and feel myself again.

I have a real worry about being around for my dd and do worry about that but then my birth parents died very young whereas my aunt had her children in her 40s and is still around and super active in her mid 80s - she was still working until last year. DD is here now, circumstances have worked out the way they have and there we have it, she couldn't be more loved and I will do absolutely everything in my power to give her a wonderful life. Sitting around wishing things had worked out slightly differently so she could have been born a year or two earlier isn't going to achieve that so we just get on with it.

It's such a dilemma and a good one really. I had fun in my twenties but felt a very strong biological urge to have a family quite early on. I was lucky to meet my OH and have our first child when I was 30. Lots of my friends have waited until about 35 / 36 for their first which has worked really well for them and they've been able to clear debts and get certain promotions etc.
I think it's quite personal to your circumstances. I think it's best to get your ducks in a row and think about what is non-negotiable for you. For me, it hasn't made much of a difference to my career but has meant I've been able to travel less, which I can live with.

DH & I waited. We bought then built a house, travelled & built careers. I wish I'd had mine 5 years earlier (at 30/32 maybe, had them at 35 & 39), but don't regret waiting. No matter what happens we always know we've had a life of freedom.

The reason is, almost everyone we know who had them early 20's in pursuit of 'having a life when they leave because they'll only be 40' are now in the position of kids almost or grown up & their dreams of a life of freedom & travel are not magically happening due to health, money, Covid, death, divorce or not being able to take more than a couple of weeks leave because of career demands. There's no way DH would get 9 weeks to go on a holiday now (which we did).

As for having a life & being too old, well, we are happy to take the kids with us & don't struggle financially so can still do things.

We were never desperate for kids though, so of that hadn't have happened we'd have been ok.

I’ve had my first at 33. We wanted to be home owners and well progressed in our careers. It worked for us because we have financial security which is comforting.

We waited to start trying until I turned 32 and I regret it. 4 years of infertility followed before I had my DC at nearly 37. There's often no way of knowing if you have a problem until you start trying. And the decline at 35 is real, although not a cliff edge.

Yes. Massively. Lucky enough to have one but secondary infertility after having Rob leave a gap during a separation and then no luck after 3 rounds elf ivf. I wouldn’t choose for my DC to be an only.

I waited 3 years, to re-train and move to a house from an apartment - regret it. Started ttc at 33, had a stillbirth and several miscarriages. Having a baby while studying and in a one bed apartment wouldn’t have been ideal, but if we’d started earlier I’d perhaps have had the 4 children I always dreamed of and not the 2 I feel I pushed my luck to get. It’s true there really is never a good time. I also now morbidly wonder if our children wait as long as we did, if we will be around to support them.

The only thing I regret is that my dad died when my eldest was 3 and I was six months pregnant with my 2nd. Having them earlier would have given them more time with him. I had dc1 at 37 and dc2 at 40.

On the other hand, in our 20s we travelled, in our 30s we worked and now we're financially secure, have a big house with a minimal mortgage and are gearing up to travel again with the kids once it's possible to do so. I had no issues getting pregnant and I haven't found having young kids in my 40s hard. Plus both my grandmothers made it to their late 90s as did their mothers (and in one case father as well).