For those who waited to have children.. do you regret it?

[Threeelephantssingingasong]

The word waiting is subjective but I guess I'm wondering for those who waited to have children I.e before their peers and/or made other priorities e.g buying a house, getting married first whether they regret their decision?

In the current climate, I know many women (including myself) are waiting to have children and the average age for a first time mum in the UK is now 30, I imagine down to a plethora of reasons, including but not limited to.. not finding the right partner, waiting for marriage, financial reasons, difficulty conceiving etc

If that was you, I am wondering how things worked out? Did you regret it or do you feel that it was worthwhile? (The same question applies to those where the decision was taken out of the equation.. minus the regret element of the question!) If not too personal, what was your age when you conceived and what were your reasons to delay? If you could go back in time would you change anything?

As I am asking you, its only fair I also answer. I am 31 at the end of the year and myself and DP would like to get married, have a once in a life time holiday and purchase our first house.. we hope to TTC in 2023 which would make me 33! Its a decision that is not being taken lightly but we want to ensure we secure before starting a family. I am not sure whether at the age of 33 this would be classed as an old first time mum? Probably not? But to me, it's still a wait compared to my peers who are predominantly pregnant/ with young children!

Any wisdom from those who have advice would be also greatly welcomed!

I had my one and only in my mid 20s. No regrets.

I find the freedom/travelling reason odd - you can always do that after you’ve had children, it doesn’t expire like your fertility does. Plus you would probably appreciate travelling more as when you’re younger it’s all just about getting pissed etc which you can do here.

My other reasons were I didn’t want to be caring for small children and elderly parents simultaneously while menopausal. I also want to be young enough to help my daughter with her own children should she choose to have them, rather than be so old she’s looking after me as well!

I got with dh in my early 20's but didn't have my first baby until 33. Dh was keen to try sooner than that but I was enjoying holidays, the ability to be spontaneous and the freedom of going out and about. I had a couple of miscarriages before I had my first and I do wonder if I'd have had them if I'd tried to conceive sooner, but I don't regret waiting until I did. I love being a mum, but a lot of the things I previously enjoyed aren't really compatible with having a young family and so I'm glad I had my fill of them before 'settling down'.

One thing that I failed to consider, as an older mother, was the impact of breastfeeding on fertility. I loved breastfeeding my older children, but had to stop before I was ready to allow me to conceive again. The impact breastfeeding has on fertility varies greatly between women though. La Leche has a graph showing that 7% of breastfeeding mothers resume having periods at 0-6 months, 37% between 6-12 months, 48% between 12-24 months and 8% take over 24 months.
Of course you may not wish to breastfeed at all, but it's something to think about. Some women struggle with the idea of having to give up feeding their child to try for a sibling they may never conceive.

I started at 27/28 TTC and took me two years. Do I wish I started earlier yes but would I be in the position I am now career wise etc probably not. It’s a catch 22.

I was 34 when I conceived my first and am about to have my second (and last) at 38 (conceived at 37). I waited as we just weren’t sure and I wanted to go on lots of big holidays and get my career in a position where even returning part time meant I had enough money. We also bought our forever home and did it up. I didn’t get married until 31 so did that later than some as well. My husband is 3 years younger than me also.

I conceived quickly both times - we were lucky but I am also active and healthy and got my bmi under control about 8 years ago. I approached conceiving seriously anc didn’t hang around - planned ovulation and everything each time. That doesn’t always work for everyone.

I think you have to make decisions based on what is right for you right now. Then only thing I regret is that I have found pregnancy exhausting the second time (could not be age though) and I think I might have ended up with 3 if I’d started earlier- my husband would probably think that is a good thing about starting later though

Although I have been older than a lot of the mums I met first time round it has just meant that I am in a better position financially and I feel like I also found the transition to not going out and partying all the time easier - I’d already stopped that! A lot of my friends don’t have children yet or are on their first at 35+. Seems normal these days!

One of my very close friends has just had her eggs harvested and frozen at 38 with good results. Her husband is terminally ill and she is unsure about the future but I’d giving herself options.

Go with what is right for you right now and do the things you want to do before you have them!!!

I regret waiting I don't regret having children. I had one at 37 and one at 39. DH was 45 /47. Conceived immediately both times.

My only regret is not starting 3 years earlier as I would have had more.

I never felt we waited, but I guess we did, because we were together for two years, got engaged, got married the following year, wanted to have a year of being married before trying for a baby, ended up wanting to wait a bit longer after that year was up ... so I was 33 when we started trying. Got pregnant on the first month of trying and DC1 born just before my 34th birthday. I'm VERY glad we waited. We both found the adjustment to parenthood really hard, having had well-paid professional careers beforehand. Just the unpredictability and the total lifestyle change was hard - we were so spontaneous and we travelled a lot and it was just SUCH a huge change. Having those happy 'before' memories really helped and our relationship was stronger because we'd had that time to really bond as a couple.

I find it hard having 3 small children and being in my 40s so in hindsight I wish I’d started earlier but there’s no perfect scenario and you don’t know how things will turn out you just have to go with what you choose.

I'm in London, every baby group I went to I was youngest mum at 30 by a considerable amount, average first mum age was about 37-39. I would observe it means you're under a tight timeline if you want a second and it shapes your enjoyment of your first baby.

My son is autistic and could not cope with another baby in the family, so I'm glad we had a baby early (for London!).

I think it varies a lot across the country but we all know families who have struggled with fertility and it's just heartbreaking.

For me, I had everything done by the time we got married (house bought, secure jobs etc) so we started ttc six months after the wedding - but my best friend waited. And waited. And waited.

I don’t know if subconsciously she didn’t want children with him. They got their flat, got married, she fixed up her perfect job and started ttc 18 months in after their massively expensive honeymoon and the other things they had to get out of their systems and 8 years later they have split with no kids. She had been accidentally pregnant three times in previous relationships and I believe this to be why she felt secure in leaving it so long. I would never ask her that specifically as it would be grossly insensitive but I remember with her ex husband asking her if she really wanted a third termination in her 30s and she shrugged. She was absolutely right - the man was a cunt. She did so well to choose not have DC with an abusive first husband even though she wanted to be a mother but at 37 when she started trying, in a happy second marriage, she was more upset than my other friends, when it was slow to happen.

It’s anecdata. It’s meaningless really. But just because you get pregnant easily or unexpectedly in your youth or early thirties doesn’t mean it will happen later. She’s 45 now, going through a sad divorce from a good guy who thought he would be the father of her children. IVF sent her crazy and ruined their sex life forever. He never got hard since the last round of it. Waiting for the right time has screwed them both.

I am turning 33 in October and hoping to have a baby over the next year or so.

I do worry as I have never been pregnant (or tried to be) so I have no idea how it will go. I am conscious that if I do have any issues I have less time to try different routes/treatments.

But equally, I don't feel like it's been a choice to 'wait'. I have been with my DP 5 years but only living together for 2 for various reasons. Plus I genuinely didn't feel ready for a child until now, and it's only recently that it has even been financially possible for me to take any maternity leave.

So I do sympathise because it is a worry. I know I will be devastated if I end up struggling or not able to have a baby, and I will kick myself for 'waiting' - even though I know that truly it wasn't a matter of choosing to wait. Sometimes circumstances just don't collide until a certain point.

I had mine at 42 - not due to waiting other than for the right bloke!! I assumed I’d be classed as an older mum, but the midwife laughed at that!!

I had my first at 29 and currently struggling to conceive a second at 33. It's important not to take fertility for granted.

@PaperMonster that’s fab you had your baby at 42 but biologically you ARE an older mum just not socially maybe.

I wish I started earlier. I had my first at 31 and second at 33 and those two years made a massive difference imo. I found pregnancy so much harder second time around. Wish I'd started at 27 but DH wasn't ready then. I'd have had another 2

Nope. I'm so glad I waited until my 30s. Had decent secure jobs under our belt for several years. Settled into our marriage several years in. Took a few years to get a decent house. Felt ready to have children after all that.

You should never rush into having children. They completely change your life.

I'm another one who had a career and travelled the world before I had DS. I don't regret it.

I do feel lots of women are a bit scared of having children in their 30s because of potential fertility issues. It is a risk you take but for me personally it would be worth the risk. I wouldn't have wanted to rush into having children in my 20s 'just in case'. I wasn't ready and I stand by it.
If I couldn't have children after waiting then so be it. Luckily I did manage to conceive my little girl but still.

Gave birth to my first child at 36. Met DH at 28, but after dating for a few years we got a chance to work overseas for a year. Then we wanted to do some extended traveling. By the time that was done we got married at 32, but at that point we were not eager to have kids. We kind of thought it’s probably something we will end up wanting, but right then we I suppose liked our easy life too much. Started TTC eventually when I was 34. You can guess it didn’t work out that easily and only conceived getting close to my 36th birthday. I have regretted a bit waiting to TTC for no good reason after our wedding. Should have just started there and then. Now I’m close to 39 and 37 weeks with DC2. Could have completed our family earlier indeed. Kind of scary to think how old we’ll be by the time the kids are young adults

I was having a conversation about this with some friends a while ago, we’re all late 20s but they seem to think we are ridiculously young to even think about having babies, most are single. One of them commented that they’re worried they won’t meet anyone soon enough, another piped up saying their cousin has just had a baby at 42. Then they all went ‘phew’ as if the cousin’s fertility was a cast iron guarantee of theirs!

It wouldn’t be a big deal if having babies was a ‘nice to have’ like a big garden or a fancy car etc, but they’re a life changing and very much the biggest thing you will ever do (if you choose to have them). I have seen the pain that leaving it too late can cause, often then followed by the IVF rollercoaster and huge debt with nothing to show for it. I remember listening to a radio show where a lady who had put off having babies until she was unable to commented that just when you get over not being able to have children, people start making grandchildren announcements, and the pain starts all over again.

I also feel that deliberately waiting is sort of having your cake and eating it, you get all the years of fun which come at eventual expense to your child when they have elderly parents to care prematurely etc.

But then very few people have the stars aligned for 28 on the dot, and overall it is much better to wait for financial security, the right person etc than popping them out in the wrong circumstances. Tough one.

Life is short. The longer you wait the more you'll be relying on luck. If you both want kids and have the means to look after them, do it earlier rather than later.

We had DD when I was 38. I hadn't met anyone until I met DH that I'd have wanted to.have children with, and we met when I was 35. My career had progressed to the point we are comfortable and can afford childcare without one of us having to give up work.

The only downside was the exhaustion. At almost 40, babies are knackering way more than I think they would have been in my earlier 30s, and now when some of our friends are able to have some free time as the kids are older, we've still got a bit of a slot ahead of us.

Wouldn't change it if I got the chance again. Everything happens for a reason and I think it's good to do the stuff you really want to do before you have a little person demanding your entire attention, energy and money...

Travelled all over the world for work, went on amazing holidays, built up a fantastic career, made the most brilliant friends (when you could spend hours talking and not feel guilty that you should be playing with a sprog), partied like a mad thing
SNAP. Was 39 when I had dd and absolutely no regrets waiting, in fact I thank my lucky stars my life panned out that way.

I find the freedom/travelling reason odd - you can always do that after you’ve had children, it doesn’t expire like your fertility does. Plus you would probably appreciate travelling more as when you’re younger it’s all just about getting pissed etc which you can do here
I backpacked round Europe for months with friends in my 20s then on a round the world ticket for a year with my now DH. No way is it comparable to travelling when youre older. Just a completely different experience. And yes you may be getting pissed but getting pissed after hiking the grand canyon or trekking in chang mai or getting wasted at a full moon party or yachting in the whitsundays is a lot fucking different to wandering up to your local, having 10 pints with the usual crowd and getting a donner on your way home.

I wanted to wait until we had a house, married, had done some travelling. I had mine at 30. I think your timescale is good, don't feel pressured by what others are doing x

I waited and have no regrets.

I was 38 and we'd already been married 10 years. The marriage was as solid as it could be, which is a good job because it was sorely tested! We knew we only wanted one child so time wasn't as much as an issue.

I am more relaxed, patient, confident and generally more well rounded as a slightly older mother, but it's a very personal decision. Just because waiting was the best thing for me doesn't mean it's objectively better.