For those who waited to have children.. do you regret it?

[Threeelephantssingingasong]

The word waiting is subjective but I guess I'm wondering for those who waited to have children I.e before their peers and/or made other priorities e.g buying a house, getting married first whether they regret their decision?

In the current climate, I know many women (including myself) are waiting to have children and the average age for a first time mum in the UK is now 30, I imagine down to a plethora of reasons, including but not limited to.. not finding the right partner, waiting for marriage, financial reasons, difficulty conceiving etc

If that was you, I am wondering how things worked out? Did you regret it or do you feel that it was worthwhile? (The same question applies to those where the decision was taken out of the equation.. minus the regret element of the question!) If not too personal, what was your age when you conceived and what were your reasons to delay? If you could go back in time would you change anything?

As I am asking you, its only fair I also answer. I am 31 at the end of the year and myself and DP would like to get married, have a once in a life time holiday and purchase our first house.. we hope to TTC in 2023 which would make me 33! Its a decision that is not being taken lightly but we want to ensure we secure before starting a family. I am not sure whether at the age of 33 this would be classed as an old first time mum? Probably not? But to me, it's still a wait compared to my peers who are predominantly pregnant/ with young children!

Any wisdom from those who have advice would be also greatly welcomed!

I always remember my mum telling me there would never be a perfect time to have kids - and she was right. Whilst you can be sensible and plan ahead as much as possible, so much could get in the way - poor health, struggle to conceive etc. I had my son just before I was 32. I wouldn't have wanted to wait too long in case it didn't happen.

I'm the opposite to many on this thread. I had my first at 24 and wouldn't have done it any other way. Having children young has meant that at the age of 40 my children are teens, I have been able to concentrate on my career without needing to take time out for maternity leave and I won't be too old when they move out so I can travel as much as I want. I never missed out on going out as I still went out!!

@cam2020 my experience was exactly the same, same age and seriously illness diagnosed when baby was 8 weeks old.

I currently care for a baby as well as sometimes DH, while working. I wonder if it would’ve been better to have them young and get through the baby years, or if I’m lucky to have the ability to support them all which I may not have developed had I had them younger.

I started trying at 33 - 2 years of infertility and Ivf and only pregnant now at 36!
(Had all the tests nothing wrong with either of us)
If I had know I'd have started trying earlier. Now I will likely only have 1 child instead of 2.

I regret not starting sooner but I didn't even think I wanted children until I was 32. I wish I was younger, fitter and more fun for them and I would have wanted more than 2 if younger but there was no way I was having a third after 40!

@Greyrootszerohoots sorry to hear that. Its difficult whatever age, that's for sure!

It worked out well for us, we met aged 30, we both changed jobs (no choice, made redundant), moved house to a new area and got married, all taking about three years. TTC from about age 34, babies born aged 36 and 38, grandparents were all retired but still very active in their mid 60s to early 70s and very involved. However it could easily have been different, it did take 18 months TTC for DC1 to come along. They are teenagers now and it has all been fine. The only thing is if they leave it as late as we did we will be much older grandparents.

Everyones experience will be different, I had DS1 at 29, DS2 last year at 33 and if we even have another it'll be at least 3 more year. I don't regret the ages I had them or the timescales at all.

I conceived at 40, born at 41. DH was 46. No regrets.

I met DH at 35, I suppose with hindsight I might have started 1-2 years earlier as we may then have had a second. But we didn’t intend any, then had a last minute change of heart.

I have had the best experience- loved pregnancy and birth and the baby phase. I think I am a far better parent than a younger me would have been. I’ve felt very confident and had none of the anxieties I expected despite never having held a baby before my own!

I’m also at the peak of my career so no worries about career compromise. I’ve gone slightly part time and no longer care about work very much. I had a pretty wild time until my mid 30’s so there’s no burning urge to do very much apart from look after DD now.

There’s no downside for me but everyone is different.

Most people I know had their first older than you - 34 plus. Don't fret about being in the right position first, it's sensible. I slightly regret not having a holiday of a lifetime before having kids. I was in such a rush and felt I was being left behind. Looking back, that was a bit daft (I was 32!). Definitely get married first too. A wedding with your own tiny children present is exhausting (I did that too).

Conceived at 32 after more than a decade together. We wanted to get established in our careers, get married, buy a house and do a lot of travelling before having children. Got pregnant after about three months first time. Now pregnant with our second at 35, conceived in the second month of trying. Regret nothing! In fact, especially after being locked down over the past year, I am so glad we did so much travelling in the past. And had very secure jobs through the pandemic.

You don’t know how easy it will be to conceive, but starting at 32-33 still leaves you quite a lot of time I think.

No. But DH and I met and married young, so “waiting” for us was from early twenties to late twenties. It has made a huge difference to our financial security, housing and maturity and meant we’d had a chance to do the travel etc that we wanted to. If we’d met at 35 I’d answer differently. I’d have wanted to be married however old I was but we had a very small and very quickly arranged wedding, it wasn’t something that we would have needed to postpone children for.

33 is hardly old! Not much different really to 31.

I had mine at nearly 33 and 35.

I started young (first baby at 24) as my mum has a very poor obstetric history. I also felt very strongly about wanting a natural birth and I knew my chances of conceiving and having a normal pregnancy and birth were greater at that age, than if I had I waited 10 years. I am pleased I started when I did because of this as I think I would have regretted it. However, life is different for everyone and obviously you need the right person to procreate with so had I not met my husband when young, I would have had to wait! I am now late thirties and enjoying feeling more free as my children are getting older. I think younger is better personally.

I was pg for he 1st time at 35; SO glad I waited as it gave us a chance to save, have a good sized house, and allowed one of us to stay home to be a full-time parent. If we were younger that wouldn't have happened and we'd definitely have struggled more financially.

It also meant we could travel extensively (still do travel (except for Covid) but it's a lot pricier when there are more than 2 of you - and more restrictive).

@ClearMountain

I regret waiting. I under-estimated how much kids need other family members not just their parents. How much you as a parent need a break and a night out so you rely on family babysitting. I made the mistake of not having kids until my parents were in their 70s. So they’re too old to babysit.

If I’d had my DC ten years earlier I could have gone back to work, had hobbies, nights out with DH, because my parents would be young enough to babysit. Instead I’m trapped and my marriage is being destroyed due to lack of alone time.

The other issue is having hope for the future. Have kids at 20 and you can still have a life at 40 after they leave home. But have kids at 40 and you won’t be able to have a life after they leave home because you’ll be too old.

Why did you not go back to work?

This is so different to my experience - I’ve never felt like I needed a break and I have no local family support. My are also 70’s but still very active, my Dad still works so they could easily babysit if they were nearer but I’ve never needed them.

Kind of regret it kind of don't

Was in a long relationship and due to get married at 29, children were meant to follow swiftly after. All ended quite terribly and took me a long time to get over, then in my 30s I was caring for my mum and then dealing with bereavement so with one thing and another I didn't meet now DH till I was 35 and then we ran into fertility issues and took us over 4 years for me to get pregnant.

I had a fairly easy pregnancy, a not great birth but DD is a total dream and I wouldn't swap her for the world. If things had gone differently I'd have had a different baby who couldn't possibly be as amazing as she is

I don't know whether we will be able to have another child and don't feel like we have much time to make the decision so that's one element of regret. I'm not the oldest at the baby group I've attended and certainly don't feel like the 'old mum'in that sense but I do sometimes feel a bit judged by others (online mostly) and I do feel sad for DD that she has no grandparents on my side and her dads parents are older and not able to be as involved as some grandparents. We have loads of wider family though it's just the bloody pandemic means we can't see them right now.

On the positive side we've paid off the mortgage, I can afford to stay off work as long as I feel is best for us, I had a blast in my 30s aside from the sad stuff - further education, fulfilling career, travel for work, amazing holidays, great fun with friends, inappropriate flings, time to read all day if I wanted all that stuff. Wouldn't have missed it.

I was 35 when I had mine - twins, first and last! - I would not have wanted them sooner. We didn't have an easy ride, MMC, DTs had TTTS, 31 weekers.

My career was established, I had lived a bloody great life. I would not have want to be tied down at 20 with twins.

Everyone is diferent and it comes down to what YOU want out of YOUR life.

Met DH as PhD students in our early 20s, moved around the country postdocing, got married at 29, moved around some more, I finally got a permanent job in my early 30s, had DC at 36, 38 and 41. Pregnant first month of trying each time, all healthy. DH and I both worked PT, now 50 and thinking about going back full time.

I think it's difficult to really imagine an alternative life but I'm happy with our lives. We live a long way from our family and have no help with the DC so we needed to be high earners to afford the childcare we needed to work. We don't feel like we've missed out on life because we did so much in our 20s and early 30s. I think you've got to remember you can be happy either with children or without. If you're not ready yet that's fine, if you never have children you can still have a happy and fufilling life.

It depends what you mean by waited. I was married exactly four years when I had mine, aged 29. I wouldn't have wanted one before that and we had a house that needed renovation so it was the right time for me and the old man. Most people we knew were much the same, give or take a year or so.

I had my first at 32 and second at 37. Absolutely don't regret waiting and the age gap between them was very intentionally planned.

Dh and I had an amazing life before we had dc. We travelled and worked abroad. We had lots of time together and we partied our faces off all over the world. Between dc, we started a business, I finished a PhD and got a promotion that basically doubled my salary. We still haven't bought a house (thanks, COVID), but we have a huge deposit and will be very financially comfortable when we do.

Most of my friends who had dc in their 20s are now split up from their dc's other parent, not nearly as far along in their careers as we are, and haven't had things as easy as we have. Definitely no regrets waiting, though it didn't really seem like we were 'waiting', we just had dc when we decided we finally wanted them.

I regret it but leaving it late was my DH’s decision not mine and I had to respect that.

I regret it because there is an inherited illness on my side of the family which will shorten the life of one of my parents. As a result my child won’t get to do much with that grandparent at all and probably won’t have any memories of them in health.

Had my first at 33, and was pregnant again by the time she was seven months old!
I don’t regret it. There is no way I could have managed babies while working 100 hour weeks as a junior doctor, and I would barely have seen my kids for years. Plus I was certain I didn’t want DC at all - until I reached 30 and began to wonder if I’d regret it later.
DH and I met when I was 19 and he was 20. I’m glad we had that time as a couple before the DC.
However, DH died before DD2’s first birthday, so he missed out on most of their life. If we’d started earlier, he might have heard her first word, or seen her start school.
There is no right answer, OP, and no ideal time to have DC. Life has no guarantees - you just have to make your choices and see what happens.

I’m not sure where you are but in my bit of London 33 is absolutely average among the people I meet at children’s activities.

I’m very glad I bought my own home before we had DD (and, full disclosure, by the time she arrived I had a second property I rented out). I felt financially in a good place. All the travel etc stuff I felt was less important but home ownership felt important. Different strokes though. And I echo what others have said about fertility - there’s no cliff at 35 but if you’d like more than one child especially I wouldn’t take your fertility for granted.

I got pregnant with DC1 at 30. I think that was a good age, and personally I wouldn't have wanted to leave it any later (because of the possibility of needing fertility treatment).