Not really sure why I am writing this, but predatory men

[CormoranStrike]

Not all men of course, but here’s my history - and these are just the ones I remember.

Aged 12 - a man masturbated in front of me as I walked home with friends along a quiet country lane

Aged 15 - doing my paper round in the rain and a man offered me a lift. He did not give off good vibes at all and my spider senses kicked in.

Aged 19 - heavy breathing, sexually explicit phone calls at work.

Aged 30 - colleague kissed me on the back of my neck in the office to say well done about a work thing. I was too stunned to move.

Aged 48 - colleague asks me to go for drinks to discuss a work problem. Then proceeds to blatantly ask for an affair.

I am a very ordinary looking woman. I was a very shy child. I give no indication whatsoever of wanting these approaches.

And yet again my heart sinks hearing of the tragic loss of another young woman who - like us all - deserved better, and has fallen victim to someone (the case is active and I am deliberately not naming names).

Why do some men think we are fair game? What can we do to help change this?

The question is, when are men going to get on board on the same scale? When are men going to start calling out the behaviour of other men?

Question should really be " when are men going to start calling out the behaviour of other men, and actually mean it?" If you really were against misogynistic ,.derogatory sexist and crude comments/behaviour then why are you hanging out with these people. Dont hang out with friends you have to keep apologising for.

Re men getting on board

I don't think they care.

As a PP mentioned, when you grow up somewhere like London, you naturally become streetwise. If I was ever out when it was dark, I would always use busy, well lit routes even if it took me longer to get to my destination. I would also have my house key in my hand ready to jab anyone who tried to attack me (we were actually taught this by a policewoman who gave a talk at school about protecting ourselves). Also naturally suspicious of male strangers trying to be overly friendly.

Yes it shouldn't be up to females to protect ourselves from predators but sadly it is what it is. Very sad news.

They know that they're (usually) bigger than us. Even if they aren't bigger, they know they're still stronger than us and faster than us.

They know that if it's one person's word for over another, the result will be in their favour, as 'it isn't right to destroy his life without proof'.
They know that we'll be judged for being 'aggressive' or 'overreacting', not fighting, for freezing, for trying to survive what they choose to do. For what we wear, what we eat or drink, the way we walk, where we walk, if we try and mollify them with an anxious smile or keep coming into work. For whatever has happened in our past (What? Another harassment/assault/abuse claim?), how many relationships we've had (lots - oh, she's game for anyone, just the one - oh, she's a prude and took unreasonable offence at him just being friendly).

They know that other people won't want to get involved, that they'll say 'I didn't see anything, I don't want to get involved in a domestic/office politics' or just look away and walk in the opposite direction.

If there's evidence, they can claim that we liked it rough, that we drove him to it, that he did it because he loved us so much. And he'll be given the 'benefit of the doubt'. Because it's worse for him to be accused and have his reputation harmed, as he's got a family to feed, his wife is beautiful, he could have his pick of any woman, so why would he be interested in dumpy/slutty/mentally unstable you?

Any boundaries we have are only there because men consent to them being there. If they decide we don't deserve to have those boundaries, they take them away from us. Sometimes by force, sometimes by stealth, but one way or another, if enough men want to show us that we only have boundaries as long as they choose to permit them, they're gone.

In short, they do it because they know they can.

Ughh yes

Could write a long list like many others can

It's the three year anniversary today from when my ex the bastard tried to kill both me and my 3 month old

I feel stunned and shocked with the news tonight

Any boundaries we have are only there because men consent to them being there. If they decide we don't deserve to have those boundaries, they take them away from us. Sometimes by force, sometimes by stealth, but one way or another, if enough men want to show us that we only have boundaries as long as they choose to permit them, they're gone.

Its already happening

Totally agree with you op don't know what can be done to change this..I have had similar experiences to you in the past. I understand not all men are the same but I think what has happened has instilled the fear again. I feel so sad and angry tonight.

Even on here, of all places women have to mind what they say about their own rights and boundaries. Moderate our language and words relating to our bodies and the experiences we have because of them.

Here too.

@Queenie6655 💐 I’m sorry. I hope you’re both okay now.

I was reading in the paper a few days ago how a rapist had attacked his victim in a UK park, at 3pm in the afternoon, took photos of her while she lay unconscious and partly dressed and when the police eventually caught up with him they found selfies on his phone of him leaning over her body giving 'thumbs up' gestures.

Two men approached him while he was thrusting at her, and he told these blokes that he was massaging her heart as he thought she was having a heart attack and they left the scene. The next day, the same two men saw him back in the same park and only then did they report him to the police.

Thankfully he was sent to jail, but who was he talking the thumbs up selfies for? I'd hope the police would investigate that, but I have so little faith in the police that I'm not sure they have the will or the resources to chase leads that may lead them nowhere.

I feel like there's a deliberate campaign of hate being directed at women, right now, and I wonder if there's some hidden agenda that lies behind it.

I felt like in the 1990's society had started to make some progress in relation to recognising and supporting women who were victims of male violence, but somewhere, something has gone very wrong, and we've now in a situation that's even worse than it was in the 1980's.

I wonder if men feel emboldened by the appalling rates of conviction for rape and violent offences against women? I wonder how much influence the 'only fans' type environment has in objectifying women, and I also wonder how much these men are influenced by the mgtow/incel culture?

There's definitely something rotten in society and while I don't know where it comes from, it definitely needs uprooting.

yaboo as much as the 1990’s were not perfect I agree with you, it feels as if it is much worse than back then.

He is my history

10- Sexually abused by a neighbour

15 - Random man tried to rape me

17 - Violent relationship

Sometimes life sucks but its just sick men
And theres no reason these things happen i dont think

That should of said at ages 10, 15 and 17

Doctor once asked me to take off my top, I was there for something innocuous like a bad knee of something. I remember giving him a look and him being embarrassed and retracting. Fucking men. I was only about 17. The shit these men pull

Yaboo, I think a lot of it is down to the incredible ease at which men can view violent porn.

These don't seem to have any willpower not to watch porn and then react to it in every facet of their lives.

What's up with men?

I think a lot of men - they don't even think about it. They don't realise. I remember, a few years ago, a female friend of ours was staying and we were chatting late at night. The conversation turned more serious and we talked about how we had been sexually assaulted and pestered by men since our early teens. My husband was shocked at what we said. And I told him that - you know - your mother has probably got some stories as well. All women have. Yet it doesn't occur to them because they have never had to be scared.

Agreed this to indecent cakes above

@FuckingFabulous

Oh god. I worked in a pub from age 12 and was subject to the attentions from a paedo neighbour at age 7 and an equally paedo family acquaintance at age 10. I was stalked by a male teacher at age 15 and by an absolute fucking lunatic at 17 and another at 18. I consider myself normal as well!! I've been sexually assaulted to the degree that the men could have gone to prison at least five times by five different men and I am 37 years old. I felt I couldn't speak. I felt I would be blamed.

I am sorry for your experiences.

I believe you.

None of it was your fault.

@yaboo

I was reading in the paper a few days ago how a rapist had attacked his victim in a UK park, at 3pm in the afternoon, took photos of her while she lay unconscious and partly dressed and when the police eventually caught up with him they found selfies on his phone of him leaning over her body giving 'thumbs up' gestures.

Two men approached him while he was thrusting at her, and he told these blokes that he was massaging her heart as he thought she was having a heart attack and they left the scene. The next day, the same two men saw him back in the same park and only then did they report him to the police.

Thankfully he was sent to jail, but who was he talking the thumbs up selfies for? I'd hope the police would investigate that, but I have so little faith in the police that I'm not sure they have the will or the resources to chase leads that may lead them nowhere.

I feel like there's a deliberate campaign of hate being directed at women, right now, and I wonder if there's some hidden agenda that lies behind it.

I felt like in the 1990's society had started to make some progress in relation to recognising and supporting women who were victims of male violence, but somewhere, something has gone very wrong, and we've now in a situation that's even worse than it was in the 1980's.

I wonder if men feel emboldened by the appalling rates of conviction for rape and violent offences against women? I wonder how much influence the 'only fans' type environment has in objectifying women, and I also wonder how much these men are influenced by the mgtow/incel culture?

There's definitely something rotten in society and while I don't know where it comes from, it definitely needs uprooting.

A big problem is that the criminal justice system has been starved of funds so convictions rates are very low. The system cannot cope.

The police have been cut, so they only focus on the very serious crimes.

Severe cuts to local authorities have left social services gutted including women’s shelters.

Severe cuts - austerity - have left mainly women very vulnerable.

This is all known by government but they don’t give a shit because they’re mainly run by men who don’t get it and don’t bother to try and get it. And a lot of the women in positions of power are so privileged or harbour the male victim mentality, that they too don’t get it.

Rates of crime, poverty etc all go up massively in an economy which devalues women and even more so when austerity - by political choice - is in play.

That’s before we get to the massive cultural problems we face as women and girls.

I despair, I really do.

The police have been cut, so they only focus on the very serious crimes

And yet we see them posing with aggressive signs and rainbow cars and people in latex dog costumes. We hear of them trawling twitter amd logging hundreds of " incidents" and questioning women for using words they don't want to hear.

We have had a year of seeing them hadasss innocent people in the streets and in there homes fir playing in the garden or going to do their mum/nans shopping.

They show up for illegal fishing.

Its hard to let them off the hook and sympathise for a lack of resources etc when there's time to be the thought police.

Yes, women don’t hunt men down in streets and attack and kill them and bury them. Men do. Women don’t. I hate that we have to point out the obvious but I wish other men would take responsibility for there fellow shitty men folk who do this.
I hate that all women have a story of being touched, ogled or assaulted. I was assaulted on a train in full view of people. I froze. The shitty idiot got up afterward and left. Everyone else just carried on reading their papers like it was a normal occurrence.
What the heck? How do we stop this happening? Why do we have to experience this just so these weirdos can get off on a thrill?
And why can’t these idiots just kill themselves, instead of some innocent, random person? I’m not happy with the male population. It’s very clear in our statistics who carries out these attacks and murders.
Rip to the young girl.

Why do we have to consider the police cuts? What about the shitty idiots themselves who carry out attacks? Why can’t men take responsibility for other men? Maybe we need national parenting classes to help boys get raised up better ... I was going to say it’s nothing to do with the police but then this case contradicts that. Bloody hell. So sad.

@Whatwouldscullydo

The police have been cut, so they only focus on the very serious crimes

And yet we see them posing with aggressive signs and rainbow cars and people in latex dog costumes. We hear of them trawling twitter amd logging hundreds of " incidents" and questioning women for using words they don't want to hear.

We have had a year of seeing them hadasss innocent people in the streets and in there homes fir playing in the garden or going to do their mum/nans shopping.

They show up for illegal fishing.

Its hard to let them off the hook and sympathise for a lack of resources etc when there's time to be the thought police.

I suggest you go and research the impact of cuts please instead of using anecdotes.

Cuts - austerity - has a massive impact on women and puts us in even more danger.