Arseholes Who've Ruined Groups And Hobbies

[EineReiseDurchDieZeit]

Moved house last year, then COVID happened.

I am CEV and so have done loads of shielding and joining a hobby group I was looking forward to post move hasn't happened but I am on their mailing list. For this specific thing they are my only option locally.

Get emails from the mailing list regularly and having had my interest piqued googled the social media presence of the named sender.

They are clearly an arsehole, a massive, tedious, arsehole with very "set views" which I imagine would need to be agreed with by any incomers, which is not going to happen. (They are a group organiser)

So potentially that's this group out the window...

Which made me think, MNers, were you / have you ever left a group style hobby you really enjoyed because of That One Arsehole and

What did they do? How bad was it?

@YourWurstNightmare

Every online group moderated by Americans I've been in for the past year descends into a purity spiral of identity politics.

Oh god....been there, had to leave a language-learning based FB group for suggesting that a discussion on Self-ID and a slagging for Wings Over Scotland were off-topic. The moderator disagreed.

Mine was a writing group too. Mainly me with about 3 women. The men were all working on historical fiction and referred to anything a woman had written as chic lit. One week we were asked to bring our favourite novel. I took A Thousand Splendid Suns. One man went on and on about how it must be over exaggerated misery as it was written by a woman. We let him dig himself a hole then the teacher quietly googled a picture of Khaled Hosseini and displayed it via the projector.

Another week one man almost turned purple with anger when the teacher suggested his very complex story was hard to follow at some points because every character had a name beginning with J!

I didn’t sign up for the next term and heard that the teacher had refused to teach that class anymore!

@amatsip

I only just last night left an online baking group over the founders foul mouthed tirade.

This group had several thousand members and was a lovely old school baking group, the type to share bakes and tips and recipes.

The group had been running less than a year and the founder put admin in place 6 months ago who done the daily work.

The founder entered her baby in some dodgy online competition to win £5000 and posted on the baking group for votes.

When it was mentioned that it contravened her own rules of showing minors and touting for votes the found literally had a swear filled tirade and banned all the admin who told her to calm down.

Many hours later she is still kicking off and posting her child’s picture, so thousands have joined splinter groups run by the banned admin to have a place to share bakes without drama.

@amatsip I'm on that group too. The person in question is gone so please come back!!

I do think that they had a bit of an episode yesterday and it's probably best that they are no longer on the group.

Daphne. who would arrive fifteen to forty minutes late to every life drawing class. Would totally disrupt everyone while she insisted on explaining while she was late. Would want people to move their easels so she could get a better view of the model. Would finally squeeze between two easels and then do a pantomime attempt at failing to adjust her easel (a la Rowan Atkinson) for ten more minutes. Then complain about the heat and want the windows open oblivious to the needs of the naked model. Would want to borrow equipment she should have prepped for - complete distracting nightmare!

The final straw was she, without prompting, picked up my brand new coat from a chair as we were clearing away and handed it to me with paint all over her hands...

She apologised for getting paint on it but I was fuming!

@StrictlyAFemaleFemale

This thread has all the potential plot lines for another 3 series of Midsomer Murders. 😂

Agreed! Although I think theyve had one in a bell ringing group already.

All of these have been plots! Ever notice the murder is always linked to Joyce's new little hobby? The woman is very flaky.
Bell ringing Landscape painting Choir singing Cheese making Macrame Pottering Flower arranging Miniature village fiddling Village fete committee member Cider making Then the one where she befriends a new exciting lady who's recently moved to Cawston and they go to the pub for a wine and do some Zumba!

Inevitably there's a minor disagreement and Joyce kills someone. Presumably because of the stories on this thread. The poor woman, we never hear her side of it

Joyce has never been fingered for any of these heinous crimes. Mainly because Culley often has a new job (flakiness runs in the family) that results in her getting inside information that collars the 'suspect' to arrest.

The Barnaby's fled Cawston for NZ didn't they?

@averywittyusername

Wow. I was intrigued by the title so started reading this thread. Page 4 and I'm really feeling quite sad.. I live alone (plenty of friends but little interaction over lockdown) and I've pushed myself outside my comfort zone to join some groups related to lockdown craft/ hobbies which I've been passionately pursuing.

I'd been feeling really pleased about extending my 'reach' but now am paranoid that anyone might consider me to be that arsehole .. I was going to share some of my work in a group today to start a discussion but now I think I'll refrain as I don't want to be considered to be showing off or dominating the group.

Oh, and I have an allotment (first timer). I've learned some great things from listening to my more experienced neighbours.

But why would you worry you’re going to be that arsehole unless you habitually dominate the group, overrun your allotted time (reading 10000 words rather than 1000), interrupt other people, or read offensive sexist, racist or whatever material? There are usually pretty clear protocols about what happens in such groups, and problems arise when tutors/leaders can’t enforce them.

Stop posting these I need to do some work 😂😂😂😂

The rule of thumb is that if you're worried you might be the asshat in a group the you aren't.

Remembering another one from Bodypump a few years ago, lady wasn't disruptive but it was hysterically funny. Our instructor was male and she clearly had a big crush on him. She'd arrive ages before anyone else so her step would almost be touching the podium, with heavy layer of makeup and outfits that got skimpier each week. She also gyrated and sung along during the tracks - challenging whilst holding a weighted bar. Actually very amusing for middle aged me in the back row.

@Cherrysoup Sounds like you are on the same yard as me 🤣
We have one at the moment thinks she is the yard manager (obvs she isn’t). Spends hours doing Pirelli groundwork with her horses but NEVER actually rides them. Then slags you off to anyone in the vicinity because you do ride your horse and don’t do any Pirelli 🙄

DH had an allotment and his next door neighbour was a woman who thought she ran the whole show, telling him what he could and couldn't grow, where he could put his fence, where he could park his car and even said he wasn't allowed to cut the grass on the joint path. He gave it up before he gave into the urge to bury her there

These make me laugh. I’ve never had to confidence to join any groups, but if I ever do I’ll be looking out for these types of people! (Unless it’s me? Then I might not even notice!)

I had no idea allotments were such hotbeds of weirdness! I always assumed they were boring but genial.

@SarahAndQuack

I love this thread.

I am still struggling after interaction with the local WI. As a couple DP and I moved to a tiny village and asked to join. No, you can't bring a baby (fine). No, you cannot both join, you must decide which of you wishes to be a member (WTF). No, you cannot come for some events and not others, we are a committed group and if we meet at 9.3am on Thursday we need you to be there, job or no.

We beat a hasty retreat, but we still sometimes get asked (in tones implying a great favour) whether we wouldn't like to join. But only one of us! And for all the meetings, during the working week or not!

Wow - our WI would never do that!

I have to say re allotments that overall my fellow plotholders are amazing, some I already knew, others I've made friends with up there. I absolutely love my time up there. But I always heave a sigh of relief when I arrive and find that neither of the two really annoying ones are there.

A creative writing one...a man who insisted on describing what he was reading one week as a "woman's book". No one bothered to say anything. Whenever he didn't like a piece of work (usually when the main character was a woman and the piece featured an objectionable man) he would sit in silence when asked to comment. We were told not to comment negatively without having something constructive to say as well, but I think he took that very literally.

My feel with the allotment issue is that you get a group of late middle aged and older people (mostly male). They see the allotment field as a personal fiefdom with them as lord. There's an awful lot of cronyism plus local feuds which have been going on forever.

Every now and then the cronies fall out leading to much vitriol. We once ended up in the County Court to try to counter a small change to the rule book! The judge looked at both parties and essentially told them to push off and sort it out like grownups.

I seriously think that a lot of the problems stem from people starting to become physically and mentally frail. Troublemaking becomes 'fun', boundaries slip a bit.

Just to counterbalance these. I've been on two allotments. Allotment no. 1 was a new site so we all learnt together - lots of sharing of tips and general niceness. Allotment no. 2 - very long established site. Friendly committee. My neighbours had been doing it for ages, but were never anything other than lovely and very rarely offered any advice at all. I got a bit intimidated when new neighbours on the other side turned their patch into perfection within weeks, whilst mine was still a grass-dominated wilderness, but no-one ever said anything to me. I'm also a member of a pilates class with very little social chat at all, and joined a pottery class last year which was genuinely one of the nicest groups I've ever been in. There seemed to be an unspeaken rule that every completed piece would be commented on favourably, so that newbies like me didn't get discouraged at all. I'll be rushing back as soon as its allowed!

I once attended a writers group that was led by an utter harridan. She had her little coven of favourites who were all absolutely dreadful writers.
She hated me as I'd had a couple of stories published. Another woman started, and her stories were amazing. She was basically bullied out of the group - and has gone on to have a career as a writer.
I work in a library and we have volunteers working there. Most are lovely, but a couple stand out as being appalling. One woman who was just so rude, bossy and lazy, she left after she made the mistake of pissing off one of our more "difficult" customers - she was lucky she didn't get punched. Another was brought round for orientation and she was notorious for having been one of our "difficult" customers. She was let go after she took it upon herself to dump ALL of the manga section in a skip as she didn't agree with anything Japanese because of how they behaved in the war! Thousands of pounds worth of books destroyed!

I had trouble on a parkrun core team. It's one of those tricky things where personalities can clash. When new regulations come in - something to do with safeguarding for example - you'd get 'well we never had any of this nonsense in my day'; some people men just couldn't accept change.

There was another mother at my local multiples club whose twins were exactly the same age and gender as mine. She was full on and competitive with everyone, but especially me. I assume because they were so easy to compare. Of the various activities the club ran I used to go to a all ages playgroup that she didn’t, in part because I had an older kid too but also having stopped going to the under ones group that she just took over completely. Then she followed me to the other playgroup when her kids got too old for the first one, it was never the same, I didn’t keep going much longer. It was just exhausting. No matter what my kid was doing (good or bad) hers was doing it more. I don’t participate in anything related to that club now.

@WannabeOT

Hasn't made me leave but some people in yoga class (men) who don't get that deep breathing doesn't need to be audible to everyone else.

This is every yoga class I've ever been to with a man / men in it, much prefer the all female ones. I think the audible breathing is competitive? Shows how hard they're working in comparison to all us females who are tons more flexible and can happily do the balances they can't

@wishingitwasfriday

I moved to a new area and joined a women's beginners cycling club. Was great, until a man joined. He didn't want to be in the men's cycling club as it was too fast and competitive but he then proceeded to try and speed up each ride meaning that our nice gentle club for beginners who wanted a ride and chat disappeared. He would cycle ahead to the top of the hill. He was then waiting for us and once we got to the top he would lead the group to cycle on, meaning no rest for those at the back. I gave up and have barely cycled since.

OMG whoever ran that club should have chucked him out, or at least just let him ride ahead when you got to the top of a hill. Why do men all seem to need to bend everything in life to their needs? It's oppressive for women and how we've ended up in a patriarchy for millennia, a women's cycling group is for women, end of discussion.

Allotment politics is a fucking nightmare. I'm the secretary on ours (because I'm the only one who knows how to take minutes and manage the massive waiting list) and seem to have defaulted, along with a lovely allotment neighbour, to be the "allotment managers". At the moment I'm dealing with:

• two plots who aren't growing things but keeping chickens and not keeping their plots clean, so there is a rat infestation.
• nobody wanting to help a plot holder who has recently become disabled and we need to make sure his plot is easy to navigate
• new tenant who has cleared his derelict plot and moved all the crap to a communal area and now can't be arsed to move it, but we need it clearing so we can use that for deliveries of manure, woodchip etc.
• tenant who has depression and just sits on his derelict plot all day smoking weed.

I'm getting calls every day when I work full time and half of them are retired and won't do anything to help.

@wishingitwasfriday - have you looked on the British Cycling website for Breeze rides in your local area? They are women only.

Pre Covid & after first lockdown I've been paying quite a bit each month to go to a good gym in a large hotel with lots of equipment.

I enjoyed doing weights especially and was beginning to get fit & tone up, some colleagues from the hospital where I work also attend so it's nice to see them.
I like to get a coffee in the coffee shop or a Coke Zero at the pub in the hotel & had made some friends.

However had a suspicion all was not right... then found out that a small group of men who I was getting a bit paranoid about because they keep looking over, basically like to look at my chest & I heard them making comments.
It's very cringe for me as I do feel my chest is too big and I'm self conscious about it.
I wear a good sports bra plus a top.
I have a mental illness where I get paranoid but unfortunately I'm not just imagining things this time.

So. When lockdown is over - Do I ignore this small pathetic group or do I stop going to the gym I enjoy??