Arseholes Who've Ruined Groups And Hobbies

[EineReiseDurchDieZeit]

Moved house last year, then COVID happened.

I am CEV and so have done loads of shielding and joining a hobby group I was looking forward to post move hasn't happened but I am on their mailing list. For this specific thing they are my only option locally.

Get emails from the mailing list regularly and having had my interest piqued googled the social media presence of the named sender.

They are clearly an arsehole, a massive, tedious, arsehole with very "set views" which I imagine would need to be agreed with by any incomers, which is not going to happen. (They are a group organiser)

So potentially that's this group out the window...

Which made me think, MNers, were you / have you ever left a group style hobby you really enjoyed because of That One Arsehole and

What did they do? How bad was it?

@Margotshypotheticaldog

This thread has all the potential plot lines for another 3 series of Midsomer Murders. 😂

LMAO! So true! 😂😂😂😂

Every mums' Facebook group I've joined has been overrun with MLM bots. I actually got quite down about it. Even in groups where outright MLM posts were banned, women would make pleas that they were lonely and wanted to be added as friends. I took pity on them and added them, only to be met with "Thanks for the add, hun. Are u interested in becoming part of an amazing team and being a boss babe?" Fuck off, Kirsty!

Yes! Been in a few groups with these sorts. Some have been so cliquey that you become the spare part in the group. I've bumped into the younger, competitive males who stare at your crotch/boobs and ignore requests to be left alone to run in peace. The retired, deaf male who proselytised and dominated the class. The despotic art group leader who enjoyed humiliating me.

@OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow

Actually my friend at yoga. Me and other friend had been going ages. Nice and relaxed. Friend b decides to come. Totally competitive, doing fucking headstands at the drop of a hat, sighing loudly with boredom during cooldown. Sadly all those headstands gave her a migraine and she never came back.

The list of his accomplishments were: telling fellow students off for not doing homework. Anyone caught giggling or not giving the teacher 100% attention was told to concentrate. And insisting on correcting his peers pronunciation.

This reminds me of the episode in Friends where Monica ruins the English literature class for everyone .

@TheCrowening

Creative writing always seems to attract that one person - usually working on a memoir of their oh-so-interesting life - who dominates and monopolises any conversation, managing to somehow turn any topic back to Their Incredible Memoir and, of course, Themselves. Which is nearly always pretty boring.

Yes. I did a writing class some years ago, loved it. It was a great atmosphere, really enjoyable to attend.

The following year, a woman joined who spoiled it somewhat for me, anyway. If we were to bring and read one piece of work, she would somehow manage to read two of hers, and dominate the class, in general.

Another course I did, one of the guys in the class used to feel he had to say something about every lecture topic. I muttered one day to another class member that I hadn't paid to listen to him lecturing. I actually wanted to hear what the lecturer (who was the expert in the subject, after all), had to say. And there was time allocated for discussion and questions but he couldn't wait to chip in, before that.

Some of the lecturers were able to rein him in. One just seemed glad that someone else wanted to do the talking. Aaaargh.

I'm involved in a hobby and since joining I've been on the committee and actively involved in the running of the group. I worked as the secretary. A few years into it and we got a new chairman, and he was an absolute dick.

Put simply he wasn't letting me do my job. He was booking things in and taking phone calls without telling me or writing it down, I was getting shitty messages if meeting minutes weren't typed up the morning after the meeting (bear in mind I work and this is voluntary) and he spoke to people like they were something he'd stepped in.

Every idea he didn't like he shot down and didn't even allow the committee to discuss it. Nobody else did that - generally we support each other's ideas if the majority like them, even if we ourselves don't. But not him. They wouldn't even be allowed a discussion spot in the meeting.

He was an absolute dick.

I left the committee for my own sanity. He ended up leaving the organisation because nobody liked him (is it any wonder?) and things were a little better afterwards, but honestly it tainted my enjoyment of it permanently and I ended up leaving too, as years of him being chair had taken its toll on the organisation. It wasn't what it was.

Funnily enough though, lockdown meant we haven't been able to meet for a year, and I do actually feel ready to go back now. I hope I can love it just as much as I used to. Every cloud.

This thread has all the potential plot lines for another 3 series of Midsomer Murders. 😂

Agreed! Although I think theyve had one in a bell ringing group already.

Male surfers - 70% douchebags.

Support group for parents of autistic children. A guest speaker was going to give a talk, I can't remember the subject. One woman just would not keep quiet and kept going on about how rubbish everything was (schools, society etc) for autistic children. While I might have agreed with most of what she said I thought it was really inconsiderate to the guest speaker, it overshadowed his talk. She should have bit her tongue and waited until the next meeting when we didn't have any speakers invited and it was more of an open discussion format.

@Malin52 I am absolutely howling at the idea of you and a bunch of others repeatedly intoning 'mushroom' in French at an angrily uncomprehending man.

@Happinessisawarmcervix

It’s sad to read how many of these arseholes get away with it because group leaders/tutors/chairs won’t address the behaviour.

I'm not a tutor, but you could not pay me enough to probably feel the wrath of a arsehole man. Not forgetting women are socialised to "be nice" and men are socialised to take advantage of that.

Anyway I was in a slow cooker Facebook group but there was sod all cooking and lots of memes and jokes pretty much all misogynistic. I muted for 30 days and when it popped back up it was all jokes about blondes and blow jobs. So I left.
I did years ago join a keep fit type class. I was very very unfit. But no one said anything to me and then they looked disgusted when I couldn't keep up. That was the only visit I made.

@Babygotblueyes

We had a woman join a group that had been running for a fair few years. At first she seemed really shy, and we all worked hard to make her feel welcome. After a while she took on a role on the committee and it seemed like she turned into a monster - she would ignore anything she didnt agree with, cut other people off, and throw a tantrum if you did not immediately agree with her. As this was going on, I was also noticing that in all the time I had known her she had never asked a question about me, or had any conversation with me that was a back and forth and that was not getting better over time. She also was very sneering and condescending in her comments to me on my efforts in the group. I finally confided to someone else in the group and found out they felt the same way. To make a long story short, the person I confided in was the leader of the group and it turned out that 6 out of 7 people had approached her with the same concerns. The one who didnt was the woman I am talking about. it was really sad because I think she was quite lonely, but she changed the group dynamics so much that even after she went off in a huff, the group had kind of fallen apart.

That sounds so familiar! I was the sacrificial lamb!

I had already said I was leaving the group and some others asked if I would be brave enough to tell her why. So I spent a day or so inventing a speech and went to talk to her.

I started to speak and she said "If you are going to tell me you are leaving because of me, how I am, I don't care, goodbye!". Wind well and truly out of sails I could only apologise to the other women and leave quietly. The group folded shortly after! I wondered just how often that happened to her and why she never thought to try and change - or just stop joining groups!

I joined a choir. There was a woman, let's call her Fanny Bucket. Jeez she was terrible. Really thought she was the star. Unbearable. It was supposed to be fun and a way of meeting people. Tbf I found my people up the back doing eye rolls.

I've had a few of these.

Creative writing group monopolised by a man who wrote Vogon Esperanto poetry. There was a lot of standing up and throat-clearing. Tutor would moan privately that he was taking over the class but wouldn't do anything to curb his 'enthusiasm'. I left after three months.

Counselling course. On the first morning, the woman sitting next to me turned to me, eyes ablaze with cultish fever, and announced she wanted to 'finally mend herself'. Every discussion became about her and her missed opportunities. In one-to-ones she would get louder and louder as she went on until the entire group was listening to her. She would wail proper, head thrown back, virtually-a-scream wailing at least once a class. I stuck it out for a year because I'd paid upfront.

Fitness class. All fine for several years. Then the longstanding teacher left and was replaced by a 23-year-old man. It turned into Cougar Wars virtually overnight. Full make-up, hair and perfume agogo from at least half the class. Three of them in particular started to get nastily competitive. Various other members would get dragged into 'crisis coffees' by one of these three and subjected to venomous rants about the other two. There was a major schism followed by the instructor who was gayer than Christmas and not having any of this nonsense shutting the class down.

I understand all too well the folks with allotment issues, I got mine in October and it has caused me nothing but misery. They gave me a plot surrounded by five others two or three have been bitching about me to the administrators, I haven't planted anything yet and I feel like walking away to be honest...it just wasn't what I thought I was getting into. What is the matter with people..

I co-run a support group with three other women. We all sit separately, spaced out amongst the group, and work hard to involve everyone. We don’t just sit together and talk between ourselves. In fact we don’t talk about ourselves at all as our role is to facilitate others to talk.

Yet we still got accused of being cliquey by one member.

She took it very personally that us four had a coffee together after the meeting and didn’t invite her. We had admin to sort, it wasn’t like we wanted to stay late to gossip!

She complained about us and unfairly labelled us as cliquey to new members. People came to the group looking for support and who knows how many she put off joining.

This reminds me of the episode of This Country where Big Mandy the local scary hardcase joins the book club and takes over

@Bearnecessity

I understand all too well the folks with allotment issues, I got mine in October and it has caused me nothing but misery. They gave me a plot surrounded by five others two or three have been bitching about me to the administrators, I haven't planted anything yet and I feel like walking away to be honest...it just wasn't what I thought I was getting into. What is the matter with people..

I got lucky with a plot just a few minutes walk from my house. The deal was a half-plot in a sunny area then half of a plot at the back in the shade. Then the organiser kept moving the goalposts. Would I mind if they put the communal polytunnel on my shady plot? Oh, didn’t we tell you we’ve only given you the sunny half plot for this one season to get you started? Simon is looking for a plot that needs a bit of work, how about we give him the shady one and look for a few beds for you elsewhere?

I haven’t seen you on the site for a week, do you not want your plot any more?

Took my van, took my trailer, dug up all my veggies and fucked off.

Lots.

A few years ago I was in a creative writing group - it was really good. then this woman joined who was a mother . Like no one else was a parent or had been a parent - ever in the history of the world. She wrote epic appallingly bad stories starring her dcs and dominated the whole class. She was really prickly and the course leader seemed to be wary of her. Thus everyone had to sit in silence whilst she read out strange fantasy/Famous Five stories with her dcs as superheroes. She started off every one saying how her dcs loved this story and it was the best yet [tinkly laugh] whilst everyone else steeled themselves for torture by amateur writer.

@Gurufloof

“I'm not a tutor, but you could not pay me enough to probably feel the wrath of a arsehole man. Not forgetting women are socialised to "be nice" and men are socialised to take advantage of that.”

Not sure of your point? The tutor in my car maintenance class was a man. He should have pointed out the rules to the cheeky old fucker. That’s part of what he’s paid to do. In a number of these examples people have lost out on training or courses they’ve paid for because the course leader hasn’t nipped arsehole behaviour in the bud.

This Country nails it

Wow. I was intrigued by the title so started reading this thread. Page 4 and I'm really feeling quite sad.. I live alone (plenty of friends but little interaction over lockdown) and I've pushed myself outside my comfort zone to join some groups related to lockdown craft/ hobbies which I've been passionately pursuing.

I'd been feeling really pleased about extending my 'reach' but now am paranoid that anyone might consider me to be that arsehole .. I was going to share some of my work in a group today to start a discussion but now I think I'll refrain as I don't want to be considered to be showing off or dominating the group.

Oh, and I have an allotment (first timer). I've learned some great things from listening to my more experienced neighbours.

Btw, I kind of agree with the group who were less than friendly to a pp who wanted to join the WI with their partner . If the partner was a woman, then I think you are already trying to form a clique of two, and if it was a man - hell no! I must admit that people who turn up at groups as a pair are often rather annoying.

There was a married couple who came to an evening class and sat three desks away from everyone else, and whispered to each other passing each other mints. They didn't speak to another soul. So they hadn't come to make friends, but even a "good evening" seemed to be beyond them.

@Happinessisawarmcervix

It’s sad to read how many of these arseholes get away with it because group leaders/tutors/chairs won’t address the behaviour.

It's enraging, isn't it? Espeically if they don't do it because they're worried about bad feedback. What about the feedback from the rest of the class?!

Two spring to mind for me.

When pregnant with my first, I went to a two hour breastfeeding class at the hospital in the middle of the day. I went alone, one woman was there with her mum, one there alone, one there with her husband. Let's call that last pair Mr and Mrs Crank.

We only got through half the material in two hours because Mr and Mrs Crank were having their second and EVERYTHING the tutor mentioned was brought back to how Mrs Crank had struggled to breastfeed her first and had spent A YEAR HAND PUMPING so he could be fed exclusively on breastmilk anyway. She didn't even buy an electric pump and treated us all to detailed renditions of how many minutes she had to pump each day, squeezing the SINGLE HAND PUMP on each breast at work while typing with the other hand. Tutor mentions benefits of breastfeeding? Mrs Crank expounds at length on how that's why she went to such great efforts with her first. Tutor mentions breastfeeding support groups available? Oh, well, there weren't any of those two years ago when Mrs Crank had her first and was struggling so much.

The other there-alone mum left on the dot - maybe even early? The with-her-mum mum and I left after an extra twenty minutes. Goodness only knows when Mr and Mrs Crank left. I was appalled that the tutor let it go on. Wish I'd spoken up, but there never seemed to be a moment, and (surprisingly!) the two hours went by so fast I hadn't realised it was going to end up overruning so much/not covering so much material. I filled in the feedback questionnaire pretty fulsomely, though... If you're a tutor and it's your job (rather than a vague hobby group volunteer leader) then part of what you're being paid for is to shut cranks up.

The second was a recreational philosophy discussion group. I was expecting robust but pleasant and open debate. What we got was Roy (not his real name, but someone mentioned an overabundance of Roys upthread!) turning EVERY SINGLE topic into a belligerent explanation of why religious people were idiots and God couldn't possibly exist. I wasn't even especially religious at the time, and of course one would expect different sides on every debate topic, but I mean EVERY SINGLE topic. Can we be sure reality exists? Well, we can be sure God doesn't and religious people are idiots. What is a just war? Well, not a religious one because religious people are idiots and God doesn't exist.

I think I went twice then never ever again. And they wondered why they didn't get many new people staying! "Oh, that's just Roy..." Yeah, that's just Roy, being a knob to everyone.

I've since resolved to, at the very least, tell people WHY I leave groups if it is down to a Mr and Mrs Crank or a Roy. Usually afterwards by polite email: "I had a lovely time at penguin knitting/Womble hunting/underwater basket weaving group, but I didn't really feel it was for me. Roy is obviously a longstanding member and I didn't really feel I got on with him, so I think I might look around for a group that's more suited to me." Not rude, so I won't be dismissed as the crank, but lets them know that Roy is the reason I left.