Intrusive thoughts

[Mumtotwoxo]

I have just had a baby 10 weeks ago. I was doing well apart from small panic attacks from my anxiety that I’ve suffered with for years. The other day out the blue I started having intense panic attacks where I can’t sleep and intrusive thoughts that are extremely scary and real. I feel like a bad mum. Has anyone suffered this too? Reached out to my gp and now referred to a MH nurse.

@Gilead this thread has saved many extra thoughts. I'm just terrified for the next suicidal thought to come, it's like I'm waiting on it. I don't want to do it but my head is so strong by saying I do. X

Lots of different anxieties about the children. I was scared because I could feel myself edging closer to ending my life but there was nothing I could do to stop it. The thoughts absolutely consumed me and it felt that although people were saying they were intrusive thoughts and not real, they were very real to me. I tried to accept that I was poorly and I just had to really try to believe I would come through it, not that that made a difference on its own, but the mirtazapine was definitely my life saver and made me sleep through the night. I had been on zopiclone (didn’t work) and propranolol (worked a bit for the heart palpitations) but I still wasn’t sleeping which made things worse. I tried another anti-depressant which made me worse before that too. Really hope you get the right medication for you. They doctor said it was a chemical imbalance causing it after birth x

@Ty36 thank you for sharing. How did you control your body from not fufilling these thoughts? I'm finding it so hard. Had the nurses out again today from crisis team and they are telling me to keep active and try take control over my mind again but it feels impossible (cry). I hope the fluxotine kicks in sooner rather than later as I don't know how long I can cope with it. X

I had to be watched, usually by my mum, partner, in laws whoever could really, I think I was on the verge of being sectioned when I got given the mirtazapine. I honestly think the sleep deprivation made it so much worse! After a few nights of solid sleep on the tablets I could just think just a little bit clearer and that was my turning point, it honestly was x

They tried cbt but I was so low it didn’t help at all and I couldn’t concentrate. I needed medication to get me up to a certain level before trying again but by that time I didn’t need it so they signed me straight off x

@Ty36 did the medication start to work and block out the intrusive thoughts? How did you feel being suicidal and having the intrusive thoughts whilst your children were with you? Did you still manage to care for them, get to the shops etc or did it put a stop to everything for you? Thanks for helping me x

It was hard but they were very young and I just physically went through the day to day life (feeding, bathing, dressing, everything they need basically) but my mind was always elsewhere. I tried to avoid going out as I was so anxious that people could see what I was thinking/feeling so I stayed home as much as possible. Yes, the medication just started to clear my head bit by bit and after 3 months I felt more like myself and then by 6 months I was taken off them. I think it was a combination of the medication, the sleep it gave me, and time after the baby for the post natal chemical imbalance to rectify x

@Ty36 what were your suicidal thoughts like? Was it vivid for example how you'd do it via tablets or if people would miss you etc or was it just the thought about doing it without further depth? X

[quote Mumtotwoxo]@BCBG did you end up fearing the shops, driving etc? I struggle even looking at social media right now or sitting on the couch a certain way! (I sound mad) thank you for the support in that message. Do you ever have reoccurring thoughts or does it eventually go away in time? My head is in the scariest place right now and I'm at a complete loss when I should be enjoying my new baby. X [/quote]
@Mumtotwoxo the answer is yes I did. If I got into supermarket I would be paralysed by indecision - that lasted a long time so in the end I trained myself to pull the first can of beans, first bread, first milk etc off the shelf because either issue I would agonise over which one to touch. I would overthink sitting down, everything. Even now - thirty years later - I have the habit of putting my clothes for the next day before I sleep - as back then I simply couldn't decide what to put on each day. I absolutely PROMISE you that this will go. You are tired and overwhelmed and your brain has flicked a switch that basically means it's running on empty. When you start to have better sleep patterns and the meds kick in you will begin to feel better - but you will be aware of your own fragility for a while. And then one day - sometime in the future, you will realise you have been ok for quite some time

Also @Mumtotwoxo I feel the need to add something else. There are some old fashioned but brilliant self help books written years ago by a Dr Claire Weekes - called something lime 'self help for your nerves'. Written many years ago they are dated in some ways but the advice in them has never been forgotten and this is what you need to remember. A suicidal thought is not reality. It is a thought that - because you were alarmed by it - has decided to stick. The more scared you are, the more you will have. Trying to 'control' your thoughts will make you panic more and the pressure worse. Accept, if you can, that these thoughts may come and go until the meds start to work and you feel a bit better. Keep talking to people and keep reaching out. But just remember - they are thoughts, that's all they are. Not real.

@BCBG thank you for your support. The thought overclouds every other single thing I could be thinking about and it makes me feel that if I don't do it the thought will never go away does that make sense? It's so hard to stop the urge just to get rid of the thought. It's a horrible cycle my brain is in right now x

That makes total sense. Your brain is scrambling around for ways to make it stop. Your brain is in overdrive. Think of it this way. Right now, there are times when that thought isn't there. When you are asleep, when you are speaking to someone you love, when you are tending to baby, when you are washing your face. Etc. So in fact the thought pops in to annoy you all the other times. Eventually you will kill it by ignoring it. Its power will lessen. But you have to learn to kind of shrug and not fear it. It is just a thought. Like thinking you will suddenly kiss a stranger! That was one of mine Less scary but equally alarming!

It was very vivid and in depth and I replayed it in my mind. It was the most difficult thing in my life. My brain needed to rest which the mirtazapine allowed me to do and then that allowed me to build up more fight, I never thought sleep was as important in all this as it actually was x

Yes. @Ty36 is so right. The brain needs to rest. But right now it's running around in manic and ever decreasing circles yelling ' I have a baby. I must look after this baby! What if I can't look after this baby? What if I die?? OMG what if I DO die?? ' and so on and so on, escalating all the time. But it's still just thoughts. Your brain, on overdrive. Sleep is the key to resetting our brains (that and hormones) and it's not as easy as just having an early night. You WILL get through this, I absolutely promise. If you live in or near Kent I would be happy to call by. But keep reaching out. Xx

How did you get on with the Mh nurse? Don't give up, there is help out there and as Pp suggested CBT is very effective.

You poor thing. It's very common, you definitely aren't alone and you definitely aren't a bad mum.

It's like your brain tricks you by thinking of the worst possible thing that can happen.

Have a look at the PANDAS charity, they have good info on this kind of thing and def find a professional to talk to x

@Mumtotwoxo Hi, just to let you know we are all still here and it will get better! 💐

@Mumoftowoxo checking in as well, like others in this thread we have all been there and we have gotten better. You will too.

@BCBG thank you for the support. It's the ignoring it part that's the hardest, it tries to overrule my head all day then at night it finally gets in and I have no control. A truly terrifying feeling. How long did it take for yours to go away and did you use medication or just talking therapy? X

@Ty36 I'm on Zopiclone but it only helps me drift off I'm still waking in panic, they aren't willing to give me any stronger sedative just now so I've to try hang on till the fluxotine kicks in x

@BCBG each day I don't feel it getting lighter or easier right now and I just wish it would. It's hard to believe it'll go away when I see no improvement I'm actually in Scotland but that would of been lovely, thank you! Xx

@LostForWords2021 some of them I find great and others I don't get much from. It's the crisis team visiting everyday until I'm referred to primary mental health. Hoping to try cbt therapy with them as they have advised to use YouTube but I don't have a good attention span. X

@BritInAus thank you very much, I'll have a look x

@Gilead no day seems to get better or easier right now. I hope I'll see change eventually. Thank you x

@HaHaVeryBunny I just see this being my life now, I wish it could go away. I'm living a nightmare when I should be enjoying my children. Thank you for your support x