If your mum was a SAHM, are you one too?

[user2021]

And vice versa, so if your mum worked out of the home, did you follow in her footsteps or did you become a SAHM?

My mum was a housewife, then got a part time job working in our school when we were both in school.

I’m currently a sahm (ish!) I’m home every weekday with DS but work part time in the evenings and on a Saturday day time. Currently expecting baby 2 in April.

I’m very fortunate that I’ve been able to do something that allows me to be home during the day, but is still in my field of expertise and keeps my hand in the industry.

I do aim to go back to work FT when baby is 6-12 months old ish and DH be a SAHD.

My mum gave up work when I was born and never worked again (save for the odd bit of paperwork for the family business).

I've worked full time throughout parenthood (bar 6 months of mat leave).

My gran never worked but she had 7 dc, no washing machine, microwave, dishwasher, drier, freezer etc she didn't have time to do what I do with my dc

Yes it’s only relatively recently that childcare and mod cons became available to allow both parents to work.

We had a twin tub, no microwave, no drier, a small under counter fridge with an ice compartment. No shower either until I was about 15.

This meant trips to the shop for groceries was pretty much an everyday thing.

Also bear in mind now we have everything online. A holiday for example when I was a child involved going into town, picking up brochures from all the Travel agents, circling what we chose, then another trip back into town and an hour sat with the TA booking everything.

All had to be done in working hours. Same with paying bills, all a traipse down to the shops to pay the electric, water etc, or to the post office to post cheques.

Without paid help and the internet a sahm was pretty much a full time job. It wasn’t the click click and everything paid by DD, or the 24 hour culture we have now.

As kids we either ran riot round the streets, or spent the day tagging along on all the errands. We certainly weren’t supervised and entertained.

I admit to struggljng to understand why any mother wouldn't want to spend those precious initial years with their children... As I see the absolute benefits

I don't struggle to understand how some don't, I would never have been able not to personally , but I have friends who are just not cut out for it, they chose to put their career first as that what makes them happiest. I do find it sad that it makes them happiest not to be with their children as much as possible, but if they are happier that's best for their kids, everyone is built differently, they can't understand how I love it so much.

I also have friends who have no choice, and would love to be at home but simply can't afford it, they are the ones that struggle to understand the ones who choose not to, but again that's more out of their own sadness and frustration.

@Bourbonbiccy

I admit to struggljng to understand why any mother wouldn't want to spend those precious initial years with their children... As I see the absolute benefits

I don't struggle to understand how some don't, I would never have been able not to personally , but I have friends who are just not cut out for it, they chose to put their career first as that what makes them happiest. I do find it sad that it makes them happiest not to be with their children as much as possible, but if they are happier that's best for their kids, everyone is built differently, they can't understand how I love it so much.

I also have friends who have no choice, and would love to be at home but simply can't afford it, they are the ones that struggle to understand the ones who choose not to, but again that's more out of their own sadness and frustration.

I think this is coming across as very rude And narrow minded. Those that don’t want to stay at home with their children all day are seemingly odd - you ‘struggle to understand it ‘ many mothers are putting their careers first & aren’t ‘cut out for it’ and then there are those who can’t because of money reasons and are sad and frustrated. I think you’re trying to justify your own insecurities around staying at home and doing something which many women have strived to move on from. Most working mothers I know balance it just fine and their children have great lives. I could never teach them and entertain them like their nursery does . They have the best fun all day and the weekly timetable makes me jealous I’m not a toddler tbh. As a sahm - yes I can play with them but no doubt you can’t do that all day long , there’s house work and all the other stuff too. I don’t believe you would be able to offer stimulation all day long like a nursery environment can. I remember much tv with my own sahm! A lot of jobs are really flexible these days too - I wfh at least 2 days and can leave early for pickups every day. Companies accommodate working mothers (at least those of my friends and I) because they are pushing to be inclusive and gender diverse. I have energy in the evening and weekends to play with my children and am not worn out from doing it week in week out. I want my girls to see their mum earning money , with ambition and not relying on her dh’s money . At the same time also able to balance taking care of them and being (I hope) a fab mum

My mum and grandma were both teachers. I work in the City now but am thinking about retraining so I can be around more as my kids grow up.

Mum was self employed, working flexibly around family. I'm the same.

My mum was sahm. She had no qualifications and couldn't wait to leave her office job when she had me.

I went to university (1st in family to do so) work PT since having dc. I thought I had best of both worlds and still do but wrestled for many years with guilt and fear of judgment from my mother. I put a lot of pressure on myself to be a perfect mother but also be excellent employee. I'm better now, glad I did stay working as I don't think being sahm full time would have helped my mental health. I love my job and am doing further study at moment to progress. Being at work reminds me I'm an educated responsible adult doing a worthwhile job, my dc obviously think I know nothing and am here solely for the purpose of providing food and drink for them with a side order of nagging about picking up after themselves

@Hubblebubble75 excellent post.

I agree, my children benefitted greatly from nursery and the stimulation they provided. Even a sahm who does lots with their dc will have to do other jobs or just need time to themselves at points in the day. My mum never played with me despite being at home with nothing else to do but housework and talk to friends, I watched lots of TV or played on my own. Obviously we benefitted from the stability of her being there if we needed her but she certainly didn't add to my education in terms of the type of activities childcare providers do. I see her with my dc and she doesnt have that ability to play with small children so I know I havent mis remembered

I also think that if sahms express their views in terms of that pp who "can't believe anyone wouldn't want to sah", shows very little empathy or understanding of other peoples' circumstances and comes across judgy. There are lots of reasons why people do or don't stay at home with their children or use childcare provision.

I know for one I was a better mum for working, because on my two days off with them we had more quality time together rather than me being bored with kids' games or fussing about housework etc.

I work and my mum worked. All the women in my family always worked, even my great grandmother.

@Bourbonbiccy

I admit to struggljng to understand why any mother wouldn't want to spend those precious initial years with their children... As I see the absolute benefits

I don't struggle to understand how some don't, I would never have been able not to personally , but I have friends who are just not cut out for it, they chose to put their career first as that what makes them happiest. I do find it sad that it makes them happiest not to be with their children as much as possible, but if they are happier that's best for their kids, everyone is built differently, they can't understand how I love it so much.

I also have friends who have no choice, and would love to be at home but simply can't afford it, they are the ones that struggle to understand the ones who choose not to, but again that's more out of their own sadness and frustration.

Going out to work does not mean I put my career before my child. Your post is narrow minded.

This is another go nowhere thread with people piling on about their own experiences.

People do what they do. Dependent on income, inclination, geography, jobs and what their DP and they can sort out including pre covid availability of family child care.

The one thing that should be repeated is that every woman should have a pension, savings if possible and a basic legal knowledge - eg who owns the house, who is liable for rent, what rights if not married.

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Mum worked when I was young but was a stay at home mum between aged 2-8 b because childcare for 3 was not really available /affordable. At 8 she got a job which meant she didn't need childcare and we were all at school by this point. Then when I was 15 she went back to her original career because I was old enough to look after siblings after school. She's still in that career now. I worked part-time trying to get the balance right.

Interesting that a few people saying they are SAHMs because they want to be there for their children. I think it's not as binary as that.

My mother was a SAHM but although physically present was not emotionally present. She was no support to her children once they got past the stage of needing physical needs to be catered for. On the other hand, I'm not always physically present for my children (although I do work flexibly to ensure I'm there as much as possible) but I'm very much emotionally available to them 24/7.

Obviously I'm biased but I'd argue that being there for your children is more than physically be there.

My mum was a sahm who did pt temp jobs sometimes to help bring in money. Her relationship with my Dad made it really clear to me that I needed to earn my own money to have an equal role. I’ve always worked but between DH and I we’ve never missed a school assembly or event.

Mine took 5 years out I think when we were small.

Unfortunately my Dad buggered off so she had no choice but to work quite a lot when we were school age. I only remember her picking me up from school once and she was very busy all the time generally cooking/ trying to keep the house going. I admire her for her hard work.

I work part time full days. I actually think school years are more important to be around for. My twins are due in July and my DD is 3 so I might take around 5 years out. I’ll be around well I to school years for her and get the early years with the twins. I want to be able to walk my little girl home from school and hear about her day, and she’ll be able to have little friends after school.

I’ll never work much, 3 days is the limit for me! I’m not a career woman at all. I’m just not that bothered. I do like the idea of volunteering and being a SAHM though. My grandma is retired and (before covid) was so busy with volunteer work- she’s amazing and I basically want to be like her when I grow up.

My mum was a sahm, then housewife. I've worked ft since dc were 9 months ( pt 6-9 months). I don't think my mum being a sahm was any benefit to me ( yes to the community she was very involved in the church, playschemes, wri, women's guild etc), have wondered if my dc will go in opposite direction to me and be sahp

My mum was A sahp when she had us ( in her 30s, had worked full time till that point). Then had little part time shop jobs when we were teenagers. I appreciated her being around but when my father cheated on her multiple times she kept taking him back. I think that was partly because she felt trapped. My father was financially controlling. He made it clear she would be one her own financially if he left. They finally split up in their 60s.

I always wowed I wanted to be able to support myself. Am now in a professional career but work part time so have the best of both worlds. My DH is the main breadwinner but should the worst happen I could easily go back to full time and support myself and children.

No. My mum was a SAHM as they were able to buy a house with just my dad's salary and live off what he made. He was a teacher so not a crazy high earner.
I work full time as we couldn't afford to live on one wage.

Obviously I'm biased but I'd argue that being there for your children is more than physically be there.

Of course but I mean I'd hope that I manage to achieve both? If I didn't feel I was I'd go back to work as what would be the point.

I think this is coming across as very rude And narrow minded. Those that don’t want to stay at home with their children all day are seemingly odd - you ‘struggle to understand it ‘ many mothers are putting their careers first & aren’t ‘cut out for it’ and then there are those who can’t because of money reasons and are sad and frustrated.
Firstly I said I don't struggle to understand it. Yes my friends with whom I'm talking about ARE putting their careers first, they have A choice and they choose a career, they don't shy away from that, they say they are not cut out for being at home all day with their child and choose to work, why so defensive @Hubblebubble75 that's not necessarily a bad thing.

And yes there are those who can't because of money, who would love to who can't, I never said they were sad and frustrated, I said they are frustrated that they can not live the life they want, as I would be if I couldn't live the life I wanted, I would be frustrated , how is that narrow minded or rude it's true??!!
for it

I think you’re trying to justify your own insecurities around staying at home and doing something which many women have strived to move on from

Oh please don't confuse my opinions with insecurities, I have non about the choices I have made and I don't feel I have to justify my decisions to anyone, not the striving women or the ones who are just happy some women have a choice now, and accept them (like I do)

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Most working mothers I know balance it just fine and their children have great lives*
That's absolutely great that they are happy and it works for them.

I could never teach them and entertain them like their nursery does . They have the best fun all day and the weekly timetable makes me jealous I’m not a toddler tbh*
Yes some people can't, but some people can and enjoy it.

As a sahm - yes I can play with them but no doubt you can’t do that all day long , there’s house work and all the other stuff too. I don’t believe you would be able to offer stimulation all day long like a nursery environment can. I remember much tv with my own sahm!
Wether you believe it or not, yes I can offer and did offer stimulation to my child and it was without a TV. There are a million things to do, even including them in the housework is play for them. And we enjoyed that time together, going out exploring with others, learning and playing.

A lot of jobs are really flexible these days too - I wfh at least 2 days and can leave early for pickups every day. Companies accommodate working mothers (at least those of my friends and I) because they are pushing to be inclusive and gender diverse
Of course a lot of them are are, I'm not sure that was disagreed with anywhere ?
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I have energy in the evening and weekends to play with my children and am not worn out from doing it week in week out
Again none had disagreed or mentioned energy levels of a weekend. Im sure it's great. I'm not worn out from doing it week in week out because we do millions of different things that we enjoy. .

I want my girls to see their mum earning money , with ambition and not relying on her dh’s money . At the same time also able to balance taking care of them and being (I hope) a fab mum
That's brilliant that you are doing what you choose and raise them how you choose to.

My mother I wouldnt call a SAHM at all, she was abandoned by my father with three kids under the age of 5. She couldnt work, there was no childcare and no I certainly didnt think this was lovely growing up, it was tough, my mum was stressed and the end result has been my sisters and I always working. None of us chose to SAHM, likely coming from a broken home and struggling financially has left us fiercely independent. Funny enough all of our kids have a good work ethic, dont appear damaged by there early years spent at nursery or after school clubs. I should add that the minute my mother could work she did...

My mum worked on and off through the years. I am one of 4 dc. She has no private pension, won't even get a full state pension (only 62). She is so bored as she never really got to appreciate 'retirement' as she didn't give a job up. Didn't get to meet friends through work etc so was quite isolated when we left home.

I work ft I suppose, but run my own business half the week and work for a company the rest. I work a lot from home even in normal times so I'm always around. I also work term time only. I am very lucky. I couldn't not work though and I think it's a good example to my dc.

So far little about my life is like my mom's life.

She was wild teenager, bit of a sex maniac, shotgun wedding, mother of 2 by age 19, divorced at age 20, always worked (main earner).

I ran quiet, late to relationships, first child age 32, 8 yrs as SAHM.

We both did a lot of volunteering.

My mum was a sahm. It was terrible for her mental health and I felt so guilty when I was a teenager. She had a total breakdown when I left home, as she had lost her sense of purpose and her sense of self. I always pitied her lack of confidence and financial independence, so it was a no brainer to me that I would carry on with my career. My DSis has done the same. My mum has been very supportive of this, as she always wanted us to maintain our careers. However, there is a lot of regret and some bitterness that she didn't have the same opportunities. I really wish that she had worked, as it would have been so much better for all of us.

I'm pretty sure that my dd will carry on working when she has dc, as she has seen what staying at home did to my mum, and she has also seen that it's perfectly possible to balance a successful career with being around for your kids.

An alternative question is whether there is a link to paternal grandmothers working, and does that give fathers the view that it’s important for mothers to stay at home. (As in, my mum was always home therefore you should give up your career to be home too).

Interesting theory, but it didn't play out in my family. My paternal grandmother was very career driven, but my dad was quite content for mum to be a SAHP. I think it was just the norm for many people in the seventies. He has always been very supportive of me and dsis in our careers, though, so maybe his mum's influence rubbed off. I always admired my paternal grandmother hugely for having the drive and ambition that she had, and for raising four healthy, happy and successful kids on top. She wasn't typical of her time at all!