Older parents= older grandparents

[celeste5]

Hi there,
I know this is a controversial subject, particularly on MN but I feel I have to get this out and it's not something I could really discuss in RL. Both me and DH have older parents and now we have young children, it makes me feel sad that their involvement is limited. I know both sets of GP's love our kids & we are fortunate in that respect but I think covid has highlighted the situation even more. We have a baby under 1 but we can't form a bubble because they are vulnerable. They would never dream of taking them to a park on their own, DM just wouldn't be physically able and she's lost confidence with driving anyway since all of this. Same with meeting them for a walk. I have much older siblings and I remember my parents taking nieces and nephews on holidays on their own. I feel sad my children will never experience that. No getting down on the floor and playing. No days out with them. I am extremely close to my parents and they've had a few health scares and they always say don't get old so their health is always at the forefront of my mind. I'm pretty sure they wish they could enjoy the children more as well. When friends talk about holidays with parents or days out, I do feel envious I'm ashamed to admit. We would love to go to Center parcs as a family but it would just be too much for them. I travelled with the children and DM and it was awful, she needed my assistance and I had 2 under 2 and it was so stressful. I guess the crux of it is I wish both me and my kids had the best of them. I know we are lucky they are all here so I don't want to cause offence to anyone but I just wondered if anyone else felt the same. It has also been highlighted by a family member having a baby very late in life and DM saying there's no downsides to it and I do feel sad that I don't entirely agree. It does cause me some sadness.

How old are they?

My parents were older than some when they became grandparents, but they were also fit, healthy and young at heart, so I never felt that it was a problem. But maybe yours are older than mine were?

I only ever knew 1 grandparent
Did me no harm whatsoever though I know mum found it hard bringing us up as she had little outside help

This is why i prioritised having children young (ish). MIL had DH when she was 42. She's now nearly 75 and is so, so so sad that she isn't able to do the things my parents (55 & 57) are able to do with my kids. And so are we. My DH didn't know any of his grandparents, and by the looks of things our DC won't really remember they paternal GPs at all. It's one of those mundane tragedies.

I know what you mean. DH’s parents were 57 and 40 when he was born, mine were 31 and 30 when I was born. There is a huge difference - in my experience - between the activities his parents can do with the grandchildren & those my parents can do...

I think how involved grandparents are and what they bring to their grandchildren can depend on a lot more than age - health/fitness, youthful attitude to life, wanting to be involved etc. as much as actual age. I know ‘young’ grandparents who aren’t that involved with their GC and want to get on with their own lives, and those who might be in their 50s or early 60s but seem much older and live quite ‘old aged pensioner’ lifestyles.

Although, yes, age does have an impact.
My mum was 58 when she first became a grandmother and she was very hands-on and a huge support and part of my GC’s life. She is mid-70s now, very fit and active and out and about everywhere, but she says she thinks even she would struggle a bit with the ‘donkey work’ of young children now - tantrums, buggies, nappies, running around after them.

Covid has turned everything upside down, anyway! Try not to feel too sad about it. No situation is perfect and we all become parents and grandparents at the time it happens, not the ‘ideal’ or optimum time

Meh, I'm an older parent, had my children at 37 and 40. It's not ideal and I wish I'd had them sooner but it wasn't to be

My grandparents were older, as they all had their own kids late.
I am youngest of 3 and they were 68, 57 and 57 when I was born.

But they were very hands on, we used to go and stay on our own, I would ahve been about 9 or 10 and they were therefore 78 and 67.

My parents were young when they had kids but then my generation were old. I was 40 when my youngest was born. My parents were 60+.
They were also really hands on. My kids are all teens and they still go and stay etc, and my parents will be 80 this year.
They are just, in the last year, slowing down a lot.

My grandparents were older, as they all had their own kids late.
I am youngest of 3 and they were 68, 57 and 57 when I was born.

That doesn't sound old to me at all? 57 is still quite young to be a grandparent, no? Especially as you weren't the first?

I think part of the problem with MN and grandpas that parents aren’t wanting to put up with the complete lack of trust, overly directive instructions and ridiculous expectations imposed by the new parents who don’t value experience and wisdom.

You’d have to be pretty old as a parent and be born to pretty old parents for age to be a real issue. I suppose a 40 year old new mother born to 40 year old parents might find those 80 year olds struggling, but that’s quite unusual.
Your average 65 year old is perfectly capable of caring for several children. Many do professionally.

I don’t think there’s any perfect situation/age and unfortunately the pandemic just amplifies the challenges of these things! My other half has/had older parents and lost his dad when he was in his early teens as his dad had a heart attack in his late 50s his mum is now elderly with a range of physical and mental health issues and is not involved at all apart from brief visits as she just wouldn’t cope. Conversely my parents are freshly retired in their early 60s and frequently run around after 5 grandkids! My mum had 2 hip replacements in her mid 50s which did slow her down briefly. Many of my friends parents are late 50s/early 60s and they are still working, often full time, as retirement age gets pushed back so even though they are younger/fitter they don’t have time to help as still have their own commitments.

I had my dc young. Before my dm was 40.
She was a crap dgm.

Been nc for years...

My MIL is ten years older than my DM, but has always had more of an interest in, and been much more involved with, my son. My mum just isn't that interested as she is quite obsessed with herself, plus she also has a strong preference for my brother's child. This situation makes me sad if I dwell on it. Age is just one factor in the relationship between GP and GC. Try to focus on the positives.

I don't think being in your later 50's is old to become a gp. Quite normal, no?

I was just reading a thread about have children later.
I was late 30s when I had mine, but DH is 8 years older. The result is that he is 71 and I am 63 as our DC are in their early 20s. I regret waiting so long now and wish Id had children a few years sooner.
Is not just chronological age. DH is fit and well but my health suddenly went down hill in my late 50s early 60s.
I guess what we do have is time. We are both retired so if there were grandchildren we could be there.

Grandparents playing with young children like they do now is relatively recent. My parents grandparents would not have had a clue about any of that. Even my generation dad's were usually fairly hands off. My grandparents didn't play with me. They did spend time with me, but I would fit in with whatever they were doing and I loved it.

Age is factor, I was 36 when DD was born and I hope she has kids younger, so that I can be around for them all (all going well).

I think it's just another aspect of mum guilt.

They are nearly mid 70s and one is nearly 80 so naturally they are slowing down. They are all young at heart for sure but in the last few years, their age has definitely crept in and had much more of an impact, if not physically, I would say on their confidence. Of course there are always exceptions and some younger GP's have no interest in their grandchildren but on the whole, most people I know have parents a good 10 years younger and the difference is very noticeable. I have help one day a week and my friends will often make little comments like I wish I had help but we'll meet up and their mums will be there or they have the children once a week and I think I wish I had my mum with me, I'd much rather have my mum with me then get someone in to help and she always offers to do what she can but I know it's too much for her and don't want to burden her. I guess it's quite difficult being in the stage of very young children whilst having parents who need much more care now. And please don't flame me for saying that, I am one of 4 and I am always the one to take them to every appointment or scan with no questions, I do shopping for them, I speak to them once a day at least as I know they are feeling lonely with the covid situation and I would never let on to them that I do feel the pinch of them being older but the reality is that I do

I don't think grandparents in their 60s are elderly! To me, elderly grandparents are in their 80s... But this is just based on my personal experience with my inlaws.

MIL spent her late 60s and 70s caring for FIL (who was 17 years older), now she's 80, gets breathless going up the stairs, can't hear the kids crying from upstairs if she's babysitting because she is hard of hearing... MIL was 39 when she had her daughter, and her daughter just had a baby at 41, MIL is not going to be a hands-on grandparent at all.

You don't say how old your parents are? When my DC1 was born, my parents were in their 60s (63 and 68), which I would say was relatively old compared to some of my friends' parents. They were wonderful grandparents when my DC were small, but now my DC are pre teen / teens and they are 79 and 84 they find it all more tiring.

If the grandparents are top young they may be busy with work and not have as much time as they would like with grandchildren.

Recommend mediation/mindfulness to help you live in the present rather than wishing for other things.

My grandparents to my brother and I to London all the time (they lived in south London) so we went to all the main museums, saw trooping of the colour, went to chessington world of adventures etc but my cousins are 14 years younger and their memories with grandparents are much more based around day visits to their home. They can’t imagine Granddad on the vampire ride (he had the best time!). They still have a loving relationship with our granny (last living grandparent) at 94 but just different types of memories. My mum’s brother is younger than her and didn’t have dc until 38 whereas dm had dc at 26 and 28. A loving older grandparent is better than a narcissist younger one (from threads I read here there are horrors) and we can’t control timing on everything so no need to feel sad or guilty.

I think when you realise, as I have recently, that really life is all about family (or loved ones) and that ultimately nothing else really matters then yes, I would love to have had my kids a few years younger so that my kids can know them for longer. I also wish my parents had had me younger to give us all even more time together.

I was thinking this recently actually (as my children and my parents truly are my whole world) and thinking "maybe humans should all just have kids as young as biology / nature intended. If we all had kids at 16/17 or so, I'd maybe still have my gran here, and maybe even my great gran! So many generations, wonderful. Idyllic.

But then again, maybe not. As a pp said, there's so much more to it than just age. Also, my parents completely adore my kids. And they obviously want to be around for as much of their life as possible. But I know they are also grateful that my kids have a nice dad. And I have had an education and a decent job so that they have a house and some security.
I don't think they would want things to be different in that regard.

So, I do see what you're saying, but there are just so many other factors at play.
Also, are you close to your older siblings? I would say that they are a big bonus. Are they close to the kids? Can they take them on holidays etc the way your parents did with their kids?

Well you can’t do anything about it, so why worry?
My DM 57 when I had Dc1 which I think is relatively young, but she had my terminally ill father to look after (who died when he was 61 and never got to know my children). PIL were useless.

What age are you, OP? Are you an older parent?

Most people I know with young children have parents in their 70s, so I can't say your concerns are something I've ever given much thought to.

My DPs are 88 & 90 & have a fantastic bond with my DS (19), pre Covid they were all set to have a weekend away at his Uni city .

I am 63 myself and (hopefully) won't be having a grandchild any time soon .... most of us are in full time employment these days until at least 66/67 so the expectation of grandparents to provide child care is surely not very realistic?