Older parents= older grandparents

[celeste5]

Hi there,
I know this is a controversial subject, particularly on MN but I feel I have to get this out and it's not something I could really discuss in RL. Both me and DH have older parents and now we have young children, it makes me feel sad that their involvement is limited. I know both sets of GP's love our kids & we are fortunate in that respect but I think covid has highlighted the situation even more. We have a baby under 1 but we can't form a bubble because they are vulnerable. They would never dream of taking them to a park on their own, DM just wouldn't be physically able and she's lost confidence with driving anyway since all of this. Same with meeting them for a walk. I have much older siblings and I remember my parents taking nieces and nephews on holidays on their own. I feel sad my children will never experience that. No getting down on the floor and playing. No days out with them. I am extremely close to my parents and they've had a few health scares and they always say don't get old so their health is always at the forefront of my mind. I'm pretty sure they wish they could enjoy the children more as well. When friends talk about holidays with parents or days out, I do feel envious I'm ashamed to admit. We would love to go to Center parcs as a family but it would just be too much for them. I travelled with the children and DM and it was awful, she needed my assistance and I had 2 under 2 and it was so stressful. I guess the crux of it is I wish both me and my kids had the best of them. I know we are lucky they are all here so I don't want to cause offence to anyone but I just wondered if anyone else felt the same. It has also been highlighted by a family member having a baby very late in life and DM saying there's no downsides to it and I do feel sad that I don't entirely agree. It does cause me some sadness.

My grandparents died before I was born so I didn't know or miss them. DS's grandparents died before he was born. Equally, he hasn't missed them. But we both have lots of family, uncles, aunts, cousins so it doesn't make any difference.

My dm knew six of her grandchildren and preferred to see them as pictures in a frame rather than as noisy, mess making real live children. Everyone's family is different.

I had ds at 45. He has a secure home in a lovely area, decent school, interesting holidays, hobbies and sports. And a mum who runs, skis, cycles with him if he wants. He does ok

Wishing for something different is unhelpful, We all do the best we can.

My parents were 42/43 when I was born. I had one living grandparent, but back then the expectation wasn't for grandparents to play with you in the same way.

I'm now 48 with 1-year old twins and my parents are 90/91. They love playing with the babies! Eg they kneel behind the couch entertaining the babies with finger puppets, or make funny faces at them.
It is a shame they likely won't see the kids grow up though, but they're healthy, so we hope for many more years.

Correction - I had two living grandparents when I was born.

@NovemberR

Well you've done the same as your parents surely? I don't mean to be unsympathetic but you said parents were mid 70s and almost 80? You've just said you were mid 30s when you had children. If your DD makes the same choice as you then you will also be a grandparent at 70 and be trying to deal with small GC when you are elderly.

Are you sad for your DC now? Or sad that you will be an old grandma?

I tried to have children earlier but couldn't, it took several years unfortunately. I am one of 4 and there's a big age gap between me and my other siblings so it's a different scenario

@Sumwin1

I suspect this can be very true most of the time. I can see a few people have asked how old your parents are? Surely they could do centre parcs? Just not as many activities OP.

My mum had me really young and I always knew I wanted to be a young mum too but I can’t give you an exact reason I was 24.

They're 75 and nearly 80, I did put that in the thread but it might have been missed. DM wouldn't be able to do all the walking at CP. She really needs two new knees but she hates hospitals. FIL has recently had one so I'm hoping it encourages her to have it done!

I had my children relatively young (early - mid 20s), my parents were involved with them which was easier as my mum was a housewife and my dad retired when my children were still primary aged (although my own pathological need to be self reliant meant they were involved for fun not childcare). I don't know what the answer will be with my children having children (if they do) though as they are young adults now and I won't be retirement age for another 25ish years so there is no perfect answer.

I do think there is more to family than grandparents though, my brother had his child later in life and until covid caused issues I was an involved Auntie on a regular basis and as much older cousins my children are involved too - I still try to be as involved as I can on a remote basis and will hopefully go back to babysitting and days out once covid has passed. I have no idea what the future holds but I do hope my children are willing and able to help each other if they have children of their own.

I had my child when I was 42, my parents were 68 and 71 and my OH’s mum was early 60s and his dad had already died. My child has a good bond with all of them! She’s spent a day a week with my parents since she was born, she has days out with them and we’ve holidayed together. She doesn’t see as much of her paternal grandmother but has a great relationship with her. She has more living grandparents than I had at her age, so I think she’s very lucky.

@celeste5

Hi there, I know this is a controversial subject, particularly on MN but I feel I have to get this out and it's not something I could really discuss in RL. Both me and DH have older parents and now we have young children, it makes me feel sad that their involvement is limited. I know both sets of GP's love our kids & we are fortunate in that respect but I think covid has highlighted the situation even more. We have a baby under 1 but we can't form a bubble because they are vulnerable. They would never dream of taking them to a park on their own, DM just wouldn't be physically able and she's lost confidence with driving anyway since all of this. Same with meeting them for a walk. I have much older siblings and I remember my parents taking nieces and nephews on holidays on their own. I feel sad my children will never experience that. No getting down on the floor and playing. No days out with them. I am extremely close to my parents and they've had a few health scares and they always say don't get old so their health is always at the forefront of my mind. I'm pretty sure they wish they could enjoy the children more as well. When friends talk about holidays with parents or days out, I do feel envious I'm ashamed to admit. We would love to go to Center parcs as a family but it would just be too much for them. I travelled with the children and DM and it was awful, she needed my assistance and I had 2 under 2 and it was so stressful. I guess the crux of it is I wish both me and my kids had the best of them. I know we are lucky they are all here so I don't want to cause offence to anyone but I just wondered if anyone else felt the same. It has also been highlighted by a family member having a baby very late in life and DM saying there's no downsides to it and I do feel sad that I don't entirely agree. It does cause me some sadness.

Hi, I can see both sides here. My parents were very young when they had me, but in earlt 30s by the time they had their last child (very much wanted but took time conceiving). My grandparents when young were actually only mid 40s when I was born, but in those days that seemed so much older than it often does nowadays. They never played on the floor with us, but were amazing grandparents in so many ways! My siblings had their children so much earlier than me - I was 39 compared to their being mid 20s. My parents were very hands on grandparents. But even though they were young, they still had health issues which meant that in the space of 7 years, ideas of sitting on the floor playing games and with toys were out of the window. Older age doesn't mean that people will have health issues but nor does younger age mean they won't have health issues. There are no downsides to being a parent or grandparent. And we cannot always have the timing that hindsight suggests would have been more perfect. What we can do, is make the best of what we do have"!

@OddBoots

I had my children relatively young (early - mid 20s), my parents were involved with them which was easier as my mum was a housewife and my dad retired when my children were still primary aged (although my own pathological need to be self reliant meant they were involved for fun not childcare). I don't know what the answer will be with my children having children (if they do) though as they are young adults now and I won't be retirement age for another 25ish years so there is no perfect answer.

I do think there is more to family than grandparents though, my brother had his child later in life and until covid caused issues I was an involved Auntie on a regular basis and as much older cousins my children are involved too - I still try to be as involved as I can on a remote basis and will hopefully go back to babysitting and days out once covid has passed. I have no idea what the future holds but I do hope my children are willing and able to help each other if they have children of their own.

I hadn't really thought about this but I think you're right. DH is an only child so no cousins that side and I have 2 and they're closer in age to me than my own siblings so they are more like sisters and we are very close

@user1471604848

My parents were 42/43 when I was born. I had one living grandparent, but back then the expectation wasn't for grandparents to play with you in the same way.

I'm now 48 with 1-year old twins and my parents are 90/91. They love playing with the babies! Eg they kneel behind the couch entertaining the babies with finger puppets, or make funny faces at them.
It is a shame they likely won't see the kids grow up though, but they're healthy, so we hope for many more years.

That's so lovely

My DS only has one grandparent and that's not due to age - my mum was 44 when he was born. I'm NC with my own dad, and eXH never met his dad and his mum is dead.

Quality not quantity.

I should add as well that my mum suffers with severe depression so she isn't always up for doing things with DS. So young doesn't always mean everything is rosy

My DC are 8 and 11.

I’m pleased that my parents were in their 50s when they were born as they had an active relationship where my parents would have them overnight and take them on days out. My DF recently passed away (aged 66) and I’m glad that they had the chance to know him and build a relationship with him. We’re also going through dramas with my DMs health (67). I’m grateful that the DC are old enough to understand this and be accommodating that we have to go and help DM regularly, and that I have sometimes have to prioritise her over them.

@celeste5
I would love for the kids to have a sleepover and people jump on that and say oh it's just because you want childcare but I would just love for them to have those kind of experiences which are pretty common for most families.
Can they have sleepover experiences with their cousins? My lo has slept with cousins for sleepover and that's very exciting for my child! Visiting grandparents and spending time with them is great, but actually sleepovers with other children far more appealing! Could that be the same for your children?

[quote MotherExtraordinaire]@celeste5
I would love for the kids to have a sleepover and people jump on that and say oh it's just because you want childcare but I would just love for them to have those kind of experiences which are pretty common for most families.
Can they have sleepover experiences with their cousins? My lo has slept with cousins for sleepover and that's very exciting for my child! Visiting grandparents and spending time with them is great, but actually sleepovers with other children far more appealing! Could that be the same for your children?[/quote]
Yes they do have sleepovers with them. They're late 20s so they're more like aunties in a way but they always have lots of fun and the children love it

It is a shame when kids don’t have a close relationship with grandparents, but I think this happened for so many reasons other than age too. My mum was only 42 when my niece was born, but she never really got overly involved with her, and now that DN is an adult they barely have contact. I’m much younger than my brother. So Mum was late 60s when mine were born, and she regularly says she wishes I’d had them earlier so she could do more. Clearly, though, she Disney when she had the chance, and age is now a perfect t excuse for her.

DHs parents were younger when our DSs were born, but his mum is disabled and they both still enjoy their live. FIL still works, so between everything, they are not very involved either. Again, DMIL often says she would do more if she wasn’t in a wheelchair, but they don’t do much when they are together and can spend time with the boys, so I’m not sure that’s true either.

You never know what will happen though. My parents were 26 and 30 when I was born but my grandad died in his early 60s, when I was 8 and my brother was 2. There are never any guarantees.

So many things come in to play here. Grandparents age is less important than their inclination and their health.

We have 8 grandchildren aged between 4 and 28. We are both fit and I love helping with them. My DH, although he loves them to bits and is a good grandad, has always been less inclined to want them staying. Because of his work he was a quite hands off father when our children were young, so I guess it is no surprise.

I never had grandparents in my life and I do think it is something I missed out on. My grandchildren all have very involved grandparents from all sides and I do believe it enriches their lives.

I think one thing to remember also, is that life has changed for many women.

My grandmothers were both quite elderly - in their 70s when I was at primary school, and they played a lot of card games with us, and baked us cakes, had us for tea, etc. They weren't terribly active - I don't remember them doing energetic games, but they were pleased to see us and waited on us hand and foot! They didn't have us for sleepovers, however.

I had my first DC at 24. She is now 30 and doesn't have children yet. She lives 300 miles away from me so my input into their lives, if and when they arrive, is likely to be minimal. Also, at 54 I'm still working roughly 50 hours a week - and likely to do so til I'm 67. I get little free time to myself, and I'm not desperate to fill it up with small children - even if they are GC if I'm honest. Nowadays it often takes two wages to run a home.

I think it's difficult to understand the difference, personally, of having my Grandma (in the 1970s - had been a housewife all her days and had time to spend with us) and today's generation of women who are often working full time and still dealing with housework/hobbies and a very active life of their own. Families are often a lot more spread out in distance also.

I think a lot more than age comes into it.

I had a young grandparent who was only 50 when I was born but unfortunately crippled with arthritis so my memories of all of her sitting in her chair. But that didn’t diminish my relationship with her as I knew she adored me and her eyes lit up so much when I visited. My other granny lived to be 101 but had lots of grandchildren and didn’t give me much attention at all when I was young. I did forge a good relationship with her when I had my own children in my 30s and 40s. My point is that it’s not about age or even health, it’s about love. My Own dad hated being a young grandparent at 55 as he had just remarried to a much younger woman so he refused to be called grandad or anything similar and he barely knows my kids as a result. Kids know the feeling of unconditional love that a great grandparent can give and that’s all that matters even if it doesn’t last long because they lose their grandparent. They will have the memories.