Older parents= older grandparents

[celeste5]

Hi there,
I know this is a controversial subject, particularly on MN but I feel I have to get this out and it's not something I could really discuss in RL. Both me and DH have older parents and now we have young children, it makes me feel sad that their involvement is limited. I know both sets of GP's love our kids & we are fortunate in that respect but I think covid has highlighted the situation even more. We have a baby under 1 but we can't form a bubble because they are vulnerable. They would never dream of taking them to a park on their own, DM just wouldn't be physically able and she's lost confidence with driving anyway since all of this. Same with meeting them for a walk. I have much older siblings and I remember my parents taking nieces and nephews on holidays on their own. I feel sad my children will never experience that. No getting down on the floor and playing. No days out with them. I am extremely close to my parents and they've had a few health scares and they always say don't get old so their health is always at the forefront of my mind. I'm pretty sure they wish they could enjoy the children more as well. When friends talk about holidays with parents or days out, I do feel envious I'm ashamed to admit. We would love to go to Center parcs as a family but it would just be too much for them. I travelled with the children and DM and it was awful, she needed my assistance and I had 2 under 2 and it was so stressful. I guess the crux of it is I wish both me and my kids had the best of them. I know we are lucky they are all here so I don't want to cause offence to anyone but I just wondered if anyone else felt the same. It has also been highlighted by a family member having a baby very late in life and DM saying there's no downsides to it and I do feel sad that I don't entirely agree. It does cause me some sadness.

Big difference between both sets of grandparents here. My parents are early 60's, in laws early 80's - almost seems like a generation difference between FiL and my mum.

My parents have been much more hands on, we've had holidays, they've had the children over for sleep overs in the school holidays etc. In laws have never done that, couldn't cope with young children and now all grandchildren are teens (or near enough) they're too old to be able to manage

Sadly we lost FIL two weeks ago and it really saddens DH that they never really had a lovely grandparent relationship

I had one set of very lovely grandparents who have both sadly now passed away due to Covid. They brought a lot to my life and I learned a lot from them over the 30 odd years that I was lucky to know them. However I also think young children can offer a lot to elderly grandparents, and vice versa. Young children bring them a huge amount of joy. And children learn how to respect and take care of their elders, and I think still very much enjoy their company! Even if they're not physically able, just taking an interest and being with the kids is special.

My other set of grandparents have been largely absent from my life. They never had any interest in being grandparents and as soon as they retired 25 years ago they moved away and we didn't see them for dust. I get a birthday card and Christmas card every year and apart from that they couldn't care less about what I'm up to. I'd rather have the company of interesting, loving, older grandparents than having never known them at all.

My in laws are young. They have dh at 21. But they have never been in the grand children's lives.

They are too busy living their best lives ever. One moved to Asia before we had our 2nd DC and the other was to busy being a high powered boss married to someone who hates kids.

So even with young fit healthy gp it's not always happy days. My kids dont know dh parents really at all. My mum is older and has never had the kids over night or anything but is a steady presence and values the kids.

I wonder if the in laws would want to strike up relationships when they retired or when the kids approached adulthood. But nope. Ds is 18 this year and he still around 999 on their top 100 list of priorities and haven't seen him at all in three years

Ok so for those of us who had our children when we were older are doomed to be decrepit old wrinklies with no capabilities to participate in our grandchildren’s lives?

I’m fully participating in my kids lives right in the now and that’s just fabulous imho.

Whatever the future brings, it’s the luck of the draw and I have no say in what’s to come.

So for now, I’m an old mum thoroughly enjoying my kids feeling luckier than anyone can ever imagine that I have my miracle kids and that I have been given the unbelievably lucky chance at being a mum let alone a grandma.

I’m just grateful for what I have now, anything else in the future is a huge bonus.

My feeling is that to have really young busy active grandparents you have to have two generations who have children in their 20s. My grandmother was 49 when I was born and she was still very active (and working full time) when I used to stumble in drunk during the summer holidays (when I stayed with her) as a teenager. Once grandparents are in their later 50s+, it seems to me to depend much more on individual circumstances. There isn't a fixed age at which people necessarily become 'elderly'. I know a set of grandparents in their late 70s who bubble with a toddler in my son's nursery and pick up their granddaughter with much merriment a few times a week. But two of my own grandparents were in poor health by their early 60s. One died at 51.

My DM was in her 40s when I had my first child. In the 20 years that's followed, she's done the sum total of bugger all for/with her grandchildren.

MIL is now in her 70s. She is still very active and enjoys doing things with her grandchildren and her great-grandchildren.

Younger grandparents don't always mean more involvement.

My DPs are mid 60’s, so you would assume young. However my mum has been showing signs of dementia for the last few years and my dad has been in a nursing home since his late 50’s. Meanwhile my ILs who are late 70’s/ early 80’s are healthier, MIL will happily get down on the floor with my DS. So age and good health don’t always go hand in hand. I do hope this thread isn’t a sly dig at older parents.

It's the luck of the draw; personality, age, location, lifestyle.

My DCs are junior school age. My mother is in her 50s, works full time, 200 miles away. They have great-grandmas in their 80s, and the toll of aging affects their stamina, and interest.
Older than their great grandmas is DH's mum (DH older, youngest of a big family) again, the toll of aging shows.

It is mildly frustrating that I've seen other children growing up in the family where the oldest relatives had more energy and interest than anyone has left to spare for mine. At least I never expected hands on older relatives though.

The sweet spot seems to be recently retired in their 60s to early 70s for much of childhood and local or on good form for travel. For those that have that kind of circumstance, it's an additional blessing (assuming interested personality). Involved grandparents aren't a right or essential, just a nice bonus.

Totally luck of the draw. I lost one grandparent before I was born and one when 12. The two remaining weren't that interested in us - we very rarely saw them. My mum sadly died when I was 30 so I would have had to have been cracking on with things in my early 20s for it to make a difference. My hubby is similar, losing his dad as a teenager and his mum at 30. There's only one grandparent left for our child and we are low contact as he's not that bothered!

I think you can't miss what you never had.

Still not sure what age you had kids at OP?

@Lumene

Still not sure what age you had kids at OP?

Mid 30s

I get what you're saying OP

My DS paternal grandparents are older (late 70s and early 80s). His wonderful grandmother on that side is an absolute rock, they both love DS, thankfully DS has had the chance to form a real loving bond with both his grandparents on his Dads side but I do worry about their age, health, wellbeing etc. They e not been able to do the physical things with DS that THEY would have like either.

My parents are early/mid 50s... we go on days out, for meals out, holidays abroad together, my parents are very involved in my day to day life and therefore my DSs etc...

BUT - I'm KNOW that my DS will always love and adore his paternal grandparents just as much as his maternal grandparents for the time he spent just sitting with them, being in their cosy farmhouse, hearing about the old stories, being tucked up by his beautiful white haired Nan, hugged and kissed by his "unaffectionate" grandad.... the list goes on!

It's different, but it doesn't make their relationship any less special, magical, important if the effort and time is put in.

Visions of my Nan taking her white hair down from her bun while I was snuggled in her bed waiting for her to come cuddle me still bring a smile to my face and a tear to my eye

my great grandmother is mid 90's and still tottling about, my parents ae in their 40's I would love my children to be in the same situation as me but I don't want children just yet so I am willing to let be what will be in terms of age etc

Well you've done the same as your parents surely? I don't mean to be unsympathetic but you said parents were mid 70s and almost 80? You've just said you were mid 30s when you had children. If your DD makes the same choice as you then you will also be a grandparent at 70 and be trying to deal with small GC when you are elderly.

Are you sad for your DC now? Or sad that you will be an old grandma?

My parents were 66 and 68 when my first child was born, but they were great with the kids. Sure they 'never got down on the floor" with them but who cares. They used to read to the kids, take them for walks, just talk to them. My DC have great memories of them. I don't think age has a lot to do with it.

Honestly, my inlaws are in their 50s and wont take my kid to the park. They dont sit on the floor with her. They sit on their phones, and nap on my couch.

I think we have an idealised version on what grandparents should be. I grew up with one grandmother who was very old (85 when I was 15). She had 35 grandchildren by the time I came along, and zero interest in me. She had started giving us nicknames because she couldnt be bothered to learn our actual names. Did I wish I had a granny like I saw on the tv? Yes. Did I think they were fictional and not actually get that upset about it? Yes. It was just what my life was. Now, my kids have 4 grandparents all in their 50s, 2 who cant be bothered and 2 who live in another country (but definitely would be bothered). They will be fine. They wont know any different.

Your kids will have their own childhood and they won't pine for what they never had. I only had one grandparent alive when I was a child - my granny was in her 60's then but she was bedridden with severe rheumatoid arthritis. I used to go and visit her after school and we'd listen to the football together on the radio, or I'd help her do crosswords. Those times are wonderful memories to me - she died when I was 9 but I always remember her as a beautiful light in my life.

Don't grieve for something that isn't going to bother your kids at all. They'll make their own memories.

My mum was 70 when my first child was born. She was an amazing GP to little kids. Down on the floor playing with them, rocking babies to sleep for hours, reading the same book over and over. She’d happily travel 90mins each way on PT to spend the day with us. She’s only noticeably slowed down since she got to her early 80s. But my kids are teens now and they don’t need someone to physically care for them or play with them. She watches the cricket with DS, chats with DD about what she’s up to, plays board games.

I have a friend whose parents had her young, she had her kids young and her parents both died before the kids were old enough to remember them.

It just depends on their fitness though really doesn’t it.
Ds grandparents range from 59-75 years. The youngest is the unhealthiest (various chemo treatment, overweight, asthma) and oldest fittest ( rows, skis, walks dog 5miles min daily)

So far he has all four grandparents and two great grandparents. I hope in the next year he starts to be able to be around all of them still. Yes some can’t be more active with him, but they can spend time in different ways

FIL died in his sixties. Age doesn't necessarily reflect the relationship. You say GPs are in their 70s and you already have DC. I think you're fine.

I suspect this can be very true most of the time. I can see a few people have asked how old your parents are? Surely they could do centre parcs? Just not as many activities OP.

My mum had me really young and I always knew I wanted to be a young mum too but I can’t give you an exact reason I was 24.

My DC is the fifth grandchild for both sides. Novelty wore off a long time ago, and none of the grandparents are particularly proactive. MIL is most interested and will babysit and spend time with us, but she’s early 70s and limited in what she can do. My parents are mid 60s with partners in their 50s but their relative youthfulness doesn’t increase their interest. I do feel very sad about it. My own grandparents were so much a part of my every day life, and my parents are not keen to do the same.

I'm glad to read that you value the part grandparents can have in a child's upbringing, something I think is often not given enough support. I am sure that your parents and MIL/FIL can still have a part which is valuable and your children will appreciate though.

Better that than no involvement- plenty of accounts of NC with parents you'll find on MN.

My feeling is that to have really young busy active grandparents you have to have two generations who have children in their 20s.

Or even 3 ! DGM had DM at 31 (but she was the 4th), DM had me at 26, I had DS at 28. The relationships between GP and GC here sound like the relationship my DC had with their GGP. My DPs are now 71&73, my DC are 14&17. We all went ice skating in Dec 2019 !

I do understand your feelings. My parents were both early 60s when I had mine and were happy to just see them once a year. Nothing to do with health, they just lived abroad and are not really in to family. I am sad about it, especially when I see how other families seem to really enjoy the grandchildren and be part of their lives. But, I just accept my parents aren't like that. It is their loss. My mum is early 70s now and really quite ill. She has missed out. I am very aware than I had my children late and really hope my children have theirs earlier, if they have them.

It is ok to feel sad but comparison is the thief of joy.