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Original poster

Older parents= older grandparents

120 replies

celeste5 · 17/02/2021 21:19

Hi there,
I know this is a controversial subject, particularly on MN but I feel I have to get this out and it's not something I could really discuss in RL. Both me and DH have older parents and now we have young children, it makes me feel sad that their involvement is limited. I know both sets of GP's love our kids & we are fortunate in that respect but I think covid has highlighted the situation even more. We have a baby under 1 but we can't form a bubble because they are vulnerable. They would never dream of taking them to a park on their own, DM just wouldn't be physically able and she's lost confidence with driving anyway since all of this. Same with meeting them for a walk. I have much older siblings and I remember my parents taking nieces and nephews on holidays on their own. I feel sad my children will never experience that. No getting down on the floor and playing. No days out with them. I am extremely close to my parents and they've had a few health scares and they always say don't get old so their health is always at the forefront of my mind. I'm pretty sure they wish they could enjoy the children more as well. When friends talk about holidays with parents or days out, I do feel envious I'm ashamed to admit. We would love to go to Center parcs as a family but it would just be too much for them. I travelled with the children and DM and it was awful, she needed my assistance and I had 2 under 2 and it was so stressful. I guess the crux of it is I wish both me and my kids had the best of them. I know we are lucky they are all here so I don't want to cause offence to anyone but I just wondered if anyone else felt the same. It has also been highlighted by a family member having a baby very late in life and DM saying there's no downsides to it and I do feel sad that I don't entirely agree. It does cause me some sadness.

OP posts:
BunnyRuddington · 17/02/2021 22:07

I have older parents and I was glad that they were retired when my DC came along. So many friends and colleagues had their DP at work and I could see mine all of the time and the children really won't miss going to centre parcs.

Timpeall · 17/02/2021 22:08

I was thinking this recently actually (as my children and my parents truly are my whole world) and thinking "maybe humans should all just have kids as young as biology / nature intended. If we all had kids at 16/17 or so, I'd maybe still have my gran here, and maybe even my great gran! So many generations, wonderful. Idyllic.

Sounds awful.

tuttifuckinfruity · 17/02/2021 22:10

@Timpeall

I was thinking this recently actually (as my children and my parents truly are my whole world) and thinking "maybe humans should all just have kids as young as biology / nature intended. If we all had kids at 16/17 or so, I'd maybe still have my gran here, and maybe even my great gran! So many generations, wonderful. Idyllic.

Sounds awful.

I know that. There was a second paragraph to my post.

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Families
Timpeall · 17/02/2021 22:10

I know

Crescia · 17/02/2021 22:14

I wish my mum had me earlier and I wish I'd had my kids earlier. She's now 78 and my two are 8 & 4. While she loves them she would have been far more hands if I'd had them ten years before. If you have a loving family it's a point worth making to your own kids. If you find the right husband/wife I'd say do it sooner rather than later. Taking care of elderly parents and young children at the same time is no fun.

Original poster
celeste5 · 17/02/2021 22:17

@Ragwort

My DPs are 88 & 90 & have a fantastic bond with my DS (19), pre Covid they were all set to have a weekend away at his Uni city Grin.

I am 63 myself and (hopefully) won't be having a grandchild any time soon .... most of us are in full time employment these days until at least 66/67 so the expectation of grandparents to provide child care is surely not very realistic?

I am not expecting them to provide childcare, that's not where I am coming from
OP posts:
Ragwort · 17/02/2021 22:19

celeste - I appreciate you are not expecting childcare, but a lot of parents do ... many of my friends are Grandparents and the expectations around 'childcare' are very high, sadly.

im5050 · 17/02/2021 22:25

My mum was 37 when she had me
My dad was 28 😂
I’m 46 & my son is 26
But I had my son at 20 and my sister had her daughter at a similar age and her second at 28
So my mum was around 57 when she had her first grandchild
She was always full of life and very active and had more energy than me
Luckily she managed to enjoy 3 grandkids and one great grandson before she passed away at 82
My dad isn’t very well at the moment but he also had the benefit of enjoying all of his grandkids and great grandson which I know he enjoys
My ex who is my sons father is 54 and has a 3 year old his mum is 84
I couldn’t even begin to imagine having a baby at my exes age- I would rather eat shit than do that

JunoStarship · 17/02/2021 22:25

My niece and nephew were born just as my parents were retiring. They've had some fantastic adventures with them that wouldn't have been possible if they were younger and therefore still working. Parents are now 71/75 and still take them away on their own for weeks at a time. They've known two great grandparents as well.

Original poster
celeste5 · 17/02/2021 22:25

crescia this is something I have already considered. I am already determined to try to stay as fit and healthy as possible to give myself the best chance of being active in later life.

I know you cannot plan these things, we didn't think we would be able to have children for several years and the fear of our parents not being around to see it was huge. I wish I had started earlier but I wasn't able to.

People of course will say there's no 'need' to feel sad but those are the feelings that do sometimes surface, I can't help it. It comes from a place of love, I absolutely love my parents to bits and covid has highlighted things. I couldn't meet my DM for a walk because she can't walk very far for example.

And of course the children won't miss CP, again that's not my point. Someone said about older siblings and my eldest is old enough technically to be my Dad himself so we go away together a lot which is great and we all went to CP. We always invite my parents but they say we'd love to but it's a bit much for us.

OP posts:
timeisnotaline · 17/02/2021 22:26

My sibling had children young. Our parents were just 50 and both working full time, they couldn’t help out on inset days and holidays much at all and needed weekends to get their stuff done too. They are now past mid 60s and have been so helpful with ours during school shutdowns and kept home for sniffles with covid. I’m late 30s and trying for another baby, la vie cest la vie.

Nowifi · 17/02/2021 22:27

Haven't read the full thread sorry but my Mum was just 60 when my DD was born, which is relatively young in my opinion. Anyway she happened to get ill as soon as DD was born and has never been able to help so it's not always down to age I suppose.

AIMD · 17/02/2021 22:27

Op I understand how you feel.
I have a 4 and 6 year old and my parents and in their mid/late sixties. However my mum is disabled and despite that both parent are older in their ways.

Similar to you I don’t care about child age. However I do feel sad that they aren’t able to do more with the kids. I have a friend whose daughter enjoys a sleep over with her grandparents, and I see grandparents at the park with their grandkids etc. Mine just can’t /won’t (it’s partly choice partly ability) things like that.

Another related worry is about having to care for elderly parents whilst still having dependent children. Recently I had to help my parents a lot, not with personal care, but that is coming very soon I think. I had hoped to have a gap between caring for kids and caring for elderly parents. Doing both at once will be hard .

Lumene · 17/02/2021 22:29

How old were you when you had your children OP?

Ltdannygreen · 17/02/2021 22:32

DP36 dad is 75 and my mum is 53 (I’m 32). My Nan died 2 years ago aged 75 but got to know my kids pretty well, they had a great relationship. My other grandparents whom I’ve lost contact with years ago are in thier early 70’s and they’ve only met my son when he was one. Never even met my daughter. My kids have a very good relationship with DP dad but we haven’t seen him since December 2019 as were due to see him the first weekend lockdown started last March but he was shielding. He’s had bad health for years so we’ve always had to be careful and we can’t see him until we’ve all had 2 vaccines. So by the time we get to see him it will probably be around 2 and a half years since kids have seen thier grandad.

Wavingnotdrown1ng · 17/02/2021 22:33

I can understand your feelings and it’s important for you to acknowledge them and then move on and focus on the lovely things in your relationships. I had elderly grandparents and my DC did too- none surviving now, which is a source of sadness. However, it is what it is. I know that having young grandchildren in old age (late 80s) was a source of great happiness for my father and the children, even if he never played football or rolled on the ground with any of them. What’s important is that they spent time talking, hanging out, reading, hugging and laughing with him and that they all have fantastic memories of what they did do together. Try to focus on what you can do together and don’t waste time focusing on what you can’t have - it will make you very sad.

AlexaShutUp · 17/02/2021 22:33

Tbh, OP, it sounds like the problem is more about health issues than age. Early-mid seventies is not that old, but it seems like your parents have aged quite early? I'm sorry that you're having to deal with this.

I do agree that it's important for all of us to do what we can to stay fit and healthy for as long as we can.

mumwon · 17/02/2021 22:35

before the pill woman continued to have dc until they couldn't so (as in my df & his "aunt" they were playmates) so there was often an overlap with 2 generations & grandparents (if they lived to be over 70) might be young gp to their oldest dc children but elderly to their youngest dc children.
The role gp play in a dc life may be different with older gp but it may be equally rich or fun. Things like cooking jam tarts & playing chopsticks or learning to knit or planting seeds or whatever rather than playing football or running around. Just like the different roles parents might play or auntie or uncles.
Don't regret what you imagine it might be be grateful for what is. As pp have said you could have a younger gp who is detached or disinterested. People & relationships don't come in neat set packages.
I say this with feeling

Original poster
celeste5 · 17/02/2021 22:36

@AIMD

Op I understand how you feel. I have a 4 and 6 year old and my parents and in their mid/late sixties. However my mum is disabled and despite that both parent are older in their ways.

Similar to you I don’t care about child age. However I do feel sad that they aren’t able to do more with the kids. I have a friend whose daughter enjoys a sleep over with her grandparents, and I see grandparents at the park with their grandkids etc. Mine just can’t /won’t (it’s partly choice partly ability) things like that.

Another related worry is about having to care for elderly parents whilst still having dependent children. Recently I had to help my parents a lot, not with personal care, but that is coming very soon I think. I had hoped to have a gap between caring for kids and caring for elderly parents. Doing both at once will be hard .

Thank you, it's so nice to hear from someone who understands. Its a sensitive subject and i wouldn't ever mention in RL. Like you, I would love for the kids to have a sleepover and people jump on that and say oh it's just because you want childcare but I would just love for them to have those kind of experiences which are pretty common for most families.
OP posts:
AlexaShutUp · 17/02/2021 22:37

Anyway she happened to get ill as soon as DD was born and has never been able to help so it's not always down to age I suppose.

Indeed not. My two grandmothers were about 20 years apart in age, but they died within a month of each other.

Forgothowmuchlhatehomeschoolin · 17/02/2021 22:38

Yes l get this OP. My dd only has one grandparent which is my mum who was 67 when she was born. They have a lovely relationship but l honestly hope dd has her kids younger than me (although l didn't feel that old at 35!) So l can be around to help - if she wants kids that is!

Wineiscooling · 17/02/2021 22:39

I completely understand. I have 2 children and I was considered old ish when I had them but my husband at 10 years older more so. When my youngest was born (now 8) his grandad (my FIL) was 77 ( my dad died very young so no grandad my side) and my mum was 69, MIL 73. Sadly FIL died last year and was never an involved grandad , although did love them. My mum has always happily looked after my 2 but she is very limited mobility so if she does it's gadgets all day, she could never get them out. Same with MIL. I know my children are loved by their grandparents but I must admit, I look at friends/people with these grandparents that take them out, go on holiday with them and are a lot more involved and I do feel a bit of envy but at the same time, I didn't have grandparents like that and I'm ok! And I know my children are loved and spoilt in different ways by their grandparents. I didn't choose to fall in love with an older man and I also didn't chose infertility which meant I was 5 years trying for my first and another 4 for my 2nd. It is what it is and in Covid times I'm grateful for the love my kids have even if that doesn't translate into time out for me.

Original poster
celeste5 · 17/02/2021 22:40

@Wavingnotdrown1ng

I can understand your feelings and it’s important for you to acknowledge them and then move on and focus on the lovely things in your relationships. I had elderly grandparents and my DC did too- none surviving now, which is a source of sadness. However, it is what it is. I know that having young grandchildren in old age (late 80s) was a source of great happiness for my father and the children, even if he never played football or rolled on the ground with any of them. What’s important is that they spent time talking, hanging out, reading, hugging and laughing with him and that they all have fantastic memories of what they did do together. Try to focus on what you can do together and don’t waste time focusing on what you can’t have - it will make you very sad.
Thank you for your post. I think you are right, it's something I need to acknowledge and I think that's why I felt compelled to post on here. You are also very right that the joy that they provide for their GPs is very special and that is the most important thing, especially in later life
OP posts:
FedUpAtHomeTroels · 17/02/2021 22:43

One of my grandmothers was an older parent 42 when her only child was born. She was old enough to be a parent to my other grandmother. Yet even though she was in her 70's when I was born she still was very involved. I used to spend the night at her house once a week until I was a teen and as a small child she used to take me to Manchester each year to visit relatives eat out, shop and go to the theatre.
Age really is just a number I'm convinced of it. I know women much younger than she was that do nothing.

AlexaShutUp · 17/02/2021 22:43

Like you, I would love for the kids to have a sleepover and people jump on that and say oh it's just because you want childcare but I would just love for them to have those kind of experiences which are pretty common for most families.

I totally get that, OP. It's great for kids to have that kind of relationship with their grandparents. However, I don't really see what you're missing out on as being purely about age. I guess it's just quite normal in my experience for grandparents in their seventies to still be very hands-on, playing with kids, hosting sleepovers etc. My dad is 83 and still very active. Maybe I'm just lucky to know lots of youngish people in their seventies and eighties!

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