Older parents= older grandparents

[celeste5]

Hi there,
I know this is a controversial subject, particularly on MN but I feel I have to get this out and it's not something I could really discuss in RL. Both me and DH have older parents and now we have young children, it makes me feel sad that their involvement is limited. I know both sets of GP's love our kids & we are fortunate in that respect but I think covid has highlighted the situation even more. We have a baby under 1 but we can't form a bubble because they are vulnerable. They would never dream of taking them to a park on their own, DM just wouldn't be physically able and she's lost confidence with driving anyway since all of this. Same with meeting them for a walk. I have much older siblings and I remember my parents taking nieces and nephews on holidays on their own. I feel sad my children will never experience that. No getting down on the floor and playing. No days out with them. I am extremely close to my parents and they've had a few health scares and they always say don't get old so their health is always at the forefront of my mind. I'm pretty sure they wish they could enjoy the children more as well. When friends talk about holidays with parents or days out, I do feel envious I'm ashamed to admit. We would love to go to Center parcs as a family but it would just be too much for them. I travelled with the children and DM and it was awful, she needed my assistance and I had 2 under 2 and it was so stressful. I guess the crux of it is I wish both me and my kids had the best of them. I know we are lucky they are all here so I don't want to cause offence to anyone but I just wondered if anyone else felt the same. It has also been highlighted by a family member having a baby very late in life and DM saying there's no downsides to it and I do feel sad that I don't entirely agree. It does cause me some sadness.

@DennisTMenace

Grandparents playing with young children like they do now is relatively recent. My parents grandparents would not have had a clue about any of that. Even my generation dad's were usually fairly hands off. My grandparents didn't play with me. They did spend time with me, but I would fit in with whatever they were doing and I loved it.

I don't know if this is a hard and fast rule. My grandparents played with us, we stayed over most weekends, I have brilliant memories of them being really good fun. My mum had similar with her grandparents.

As far as age, my mum was 78 when she died suddenly this year, and despite not being the fittest, she was huge fun and so close to my dcs (14, 13 and 10). My 10 year old ds who has complex needs and learning disabilities, adored her, she picked him up from school once a week and they would play for hours, they were completely in cahoots....we were incredibly lucky to have her, for the time we did.

My kids have no grandparents, they all had died before they were born. Grandparents days at school were sad.

@AlexaShutUp

Like you, I would love for the kids to have a sleepover and people jump on that and say oh it's just because you want childcare but I would just love for them to have those kind of experiences which are pretty common for most families.

I totally get that, OP. It's great for kids to have that kind of relationship with their grandparents. However, I don't really see what you're missing out on as being purely about age. I guess it's just quite normal in my experience for grandparents in their seventies to still be very hands-on, playing with kids, hosting sleepovers etc. My dad is 83 and still very active. Maybe I'm just lucky to know lots of youngish people in their seventies and eighties!

Perhaps it's because my children are so young. If they were school age even I think it would be different but someone said previously about doing the donkey work of very young children and that's what I really notice they struggle with. DMIL is fit and walks a lot (can't see them at the moment as they don't live locally) and was coming over for around 5 hours once a week at one point and would often fall asleep on the way home. I know she loved it but that made me feel guilty

Sorry for your loss hazey

@DisposableGoon

My kids have no grandparents, they all had died before they were born. Grandparents days at school were sad.

Sorry to hear that, that must've been incredibly tough for them

My parents had me when mum was 40 and dad 45.

I had my kids what I’d think was average - at ages 27-33. They saw my kids almost grown up. Lost mum when youngest was 15.

They didn’t have them overnight as husbands parents did but they were still hands on and present for the grandkids - especially in the Earl it days when paternal g parents still worked.

It was odd having parents of his grand parents generation almost ( dh and I are same age ) and it was a bugger loosing them so early 😢 but they were great parents and grandparents.

I was very close to my maternal grandmother, who was 64 when I was born. I was conscious from being a small child that she was older than other people's grandmothers -- which now terrifies me a bit, because my dad is already 64 and I haven't had a child yet. I know my Nanna was fit and well until she fell and broke her wrists when she was 70, after which her health was a huge concern to me. I used to lie awake in bed as a child worrying about her dying. It is rubbish having older grandparents, but on the other hand, she lived until I was 22 all the same and was a massive positive influence in my life.

My MIL was not particularly old but she was disabled with poor mobility. She passed away recently and the eulogies from her adult grandchildren all mentioned the time she gave them - her poor mobility meant she was happy to walk at toddler pace whilst they examined every bug, flower and leaf. She took them to museums, often the same ones over and over, and was happy to sit on a bench while they explored. She loved them unconditionally and that was all that mattered

@Bettafish

My MIL was not particularly old but she was disabled with poor mobility. She passed away recently and the eulogies from her adult grandchildren all mentioned the time she gave them - her poor mobility meant she was happy to walk at toddler pace whilst they examined every bug, flower and leaf. She took them to museums, often the same ones over and over, and was happy to sit on a bench while they explored. She loved them unconditionally and that was all that mattered

She’s sounds lovely

It depends on the individuals health, though, surely? Dm is mid 70s and looks after the dc plenty alone, did plenty of getting down in the floor or taking them out for the day. It just comes down to the health of the individual.

I’m 55 with 3 granddaughters ( eldest is 5) .... even at my age I find them exhausting...... I’ve had them for the weekend before now but usually only overnight....My own NaN was 64 when I was born and raised me alongside my Mum...l when I look back now she had so much energy....I’m in awe.

All my kids grandparents died before they were born. One christmas my DD asked "mummy why is there no one else here?" and both my DCs were acutely aware they did have this amazing "grandparent" thing that all the others seemed to have and enjoy so much. My mum was 42 when she had me, then I had my first child at 38; now I'm late 50s, kids are late teens and I am worried how well and capable I'll be by the time any grandchildren come along .

Obviously, people can die at any time, and some older grandparents can be fit and very active, but overall I'd say I regret having children so late.

@Bettafish

My MIL was not particularly old but she was disabled with poor mobility. She passed away recently and the eulogies from her adult grandchildren all mentioned the time she gave them - her poor mobility meant she was happy to walk at toddler pace whilst they examined every bug, flower and leaf. She took them to museums, often the same ones over and over, and was happy to sit on a bench while they explored. She loved them unconditionally and that was all that mattered

That's lovely, she sounds like a wonderful grandmother

My situation is the opposite my parents had me quite young and I had my DC very young. I love that my DC get to know my grandparents and my parents for hopefully a long time. However I often feel guilt that my DC don’t have the normal grandparent relationship that a lot of children have like baking cookies, pottering about in the garden etc. By the time my parents retire my DC will be grown up so I feel like they’ve missed out a bit. I guess the grass is always greener.

sorry that should read "aware they DIDNT have this amazing grandparent thing"

@Timpeall

I was thinking this recently actually (as my children and my parents truly are my whole world) and thinking "maybe humans should all just have kids as young as biology / nature intended. If we all had kids at 16/17 or so, I'd maybe still have my gran here, and maybe even my great gran! So many generations, wonderful. Idyllic.

Sounds awful.

This is DH’s mother’s family. One generation after another of people having children extremely young because of poverty and lack of opportunity. His nephews and nieces knew their great-grandparents into young adulthood, but in itself this isn’t necessarily a good thing.

My PIL first became grandparents (to our nieces) when they were in their late 50s, and we then had our DC when they were mid-60s so in theory will have more time with their GC than my parents will (DF was 67 when our eldest was born). However, my parents are in better health, so who knows... We just hope that our parents get to see our children grow up and become teenagers at the very least, so that our DC will have good memories of them.

Two things that sadden me is that I missed having time with my grandmothers as they died when I was a toddler, and that sadly my grandad only missed seeing our eldest DC by 4 years - he had a younger mindset and was more active than my other grandad, who was 19 years older than him and more old-school. I'm in no doubt that both of them loved me though and I mention them sometimes to our DC to give them more awareness of the family in general.

I hear you op. My parents were older when they had me, and I was 35, so they were mid seventies when they become grandparents. They are around 79-83. Same for dh's parents. All of them are in ok health but have declined in recent years with various health problems and have never had the energy to take the dc on their own. I am jealous of friends who have a night away with their dh. My dd would love to go to their gp's house on their own but that won't happen either.

However, the kids have 4 loving grandparents, so we try to focus on that. My dd are 7 and 9 now and have happy memories of their grandparents and will remember them.

My parents were older when they had me - 35 and 39 - and I did feel it was a disadvantage. However, i didn't meet dh until I was 30 and he was 40.

I have a one year old and a four year old, my parents have just both turned 70 and won't form a bubble with me because they are extremely Covid phobic. My PIL are 75 & 74.

I know exactly what you mean they don't have the motivation, both lots have been aged by Covid, they just sit now. Occasionally MIL did come on days out with my oldest, but now FIL is unwell and she is his carer, so she can't come out on her own as he needs her. I think some it's done to personally, I see some ancient grandparents on the school run giving it their best, mine would never offer ever, they could manage they just don't want to.

I once or twice took my Mum to things with my oldest too, but my Dad wouldn't coke. Then she would say after it was too much and she couldn't manage it again. I think basically my Dad and her usually do everything together. Or have a health scare later that week she is fine,nothing wrong with her but she's very anti fun.

If GP don't interact with their Grandchildren why would the grandchildren be excited to see them. It's an expectation they should be adored and then a vicious circle. Ho hum!

Sorry terrible typos

My grandparents were all already 'old' when I was born because both sets were quite late having their own families and I was the youngest grandchild on both sides

As a child you just tend to assume that is the norm so I didn't really think anythof it but it does always shock me when someone my age (40s) refers to having a living grandparent because mine had all died before I became an adult

I was close to my paternal grandparents though even without doing the things some families do like sleepovers etc

My parents were much younger when they became grandparents (mid 50s) and although they try to be supportive they have never been very hands on with my kids. I think the fact that they had no practical support when they had young kids meant it just didn't cross their minds to offer me an support. My parents have only looked after my kids a handful of times overnight and always because we were going to a weddior something, they would have never though to offer to have then unless there was a specific reason why we needed childcare

I know exactly what you mean @celeste5

My MIL died last year at the age of 63. Her grandchildren range from babies to teenagers, she became a grandmother in her late 40s. She was an awesome grandparent to the older grandchildren, taking them out places etc. While she always tried with the younger ones, she was ill and just couldn't do it. It really hurt to see as she lived for her family.
Im glad my MIL was relatively young when she had grandkids, she got to enjoy before she became ill. If her children had waited to have kids until they were in their mid 30s she would have been too unwell to play any part in their lives at all.
So even being a parent young is no guarantee...

I understand where you're coming from OP

My grandparents were late 40s when I was born and when my much younger cousins came along my grandma said once or twice that I "had the best of her" as a grandparent as she just didn't have as much energy to play and run around with her other grandkids as she was 20 years older by then.

I was lucky that I had 4 grandparents and 3 great grandparents when I was born.

I've just had a baby with my fiancé - I'm 40 and he is 45 (we have both been married before).
We are in a support bubble with my parents who live in the same village. Mum is 65 and very "youthful" - she is going to be doing the childcare for a few days a week when i return to work. Dad is 70 but has always been rubbish with babies - even from when I was one tbf!!
However, my fiancé's parents are both late 70's so I wouldn't expect them to do much childcare, even if they lived near us. Don't get me wrong - they love her to bits - but wouldn't be able to chase around a lively crawling baby!
They have two other grandchildren who are now 18 and 20 and did do a lot of the childcare then, but obviously this was because they were considerably younger then.