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Original poster

Babies at weddings AITA?

172 replies

HM2018 · 15/02/2021 18:20

I am the maid of honour for my younger sister’s wedding this summer. Her and her fiancé are both pre-kids and I have a 3 yr old and am expecting a second child in 3 weeks.
I have been to a lot of weddings and in my experience, it’s totally fine to say ‘no kids’ for a wedding, but everyone allows you to bring ‘babes in arms’ i.e. little babies who don’t cost anything as they’re still on milk and don’t require a seat.
However my sister and her fiancé are planning on allowing me to bring my 2 kids, but saying to others that no kids (including babies) can come. Obviously a lot of people are very happy to leave their babies or kids with grandparents, so for many it won’t be an issue. But I just feel that obligating parents to choose between having to leave their baby or being part of a social event, is really unfair and quite an outdated stance to have on it. In this day & age I think Mums should be supported and accommodated in taking their babies with them. To be clear, I’m talking about babies who are still being milk fed and who don’t take up a seat at a table etc.
What do people think?

OP posts:

Fridget · 16/02/2021 20:52

I was more meaning that if the couple is the sort of couple who expect their guests to spend every second of the day staring at them and love the centre of attention thing then the likelihood they will view the presence of children very differently to an equally in love couple who view their wedding day as a celebration of their love with friends and family

I don’t think many couples expect people to stare at them every second of the day, not sure what that has to do with babies being disruptive to a wedding.

Also unless the baby is a family member then babes in arms being there or not has naff all to do with celebrating with friends and family as the baby is neither friend nor family. The baby would be there for childcare reasons, not to celebrate as a friend of the couple.

Spillanelle · 16/02/2021 20:52

It’s obviously the couples choice ultimately, but I do think it’s a shame that it’s the norm now for weddings to be mostly child-free.
I think it’s almost worse to have just one or two children of family members but no other kids as they just get bored. We let everyone who wanted to bring their children to our wedding and they all ended up playing together, it was lovely and really made the day even more fun. (Although one did shout “I’ve done a poo” during the speeches 😂)

Sparklingbrook · 16/02/2021 20:54

Well it doesn't really matter to me any more, I haven't got a horse in the race so to speak @LolaSmiles. No weddings on the horizon for me to attend.
I don't really understand what you are getting at about the 'staring' or 'centre of attention' stuff re the B&G but no need to explain.

As you say we must move in different circles/each to their own etc...

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

3 year olds Families Weddings

Sparklingbrook · 16/02/2021 20:56

@Fridget

I don’t think many couples expect people to stare at them every second of the day, not sure what that has to do with babies being disruptive to a wedding.

I agree. And small babies/children don't gain anything from attending a wedding ceremony, maybe older children might with some understanding of how to behave and what's going on.

ChrissyPlummer · 16/02/2021 21:10

Well, I wouldn’t have had any at mine because I don’t have any of my own so no way would I be ‘accommodating’ anyone else’s. As it was, it was just me, DH and a witness so 🤷‍♀️.

As pp said; their wedding, their choice. It’s more likely to do with noise/distractions rather than taking up seats. The only time I’ve ever thought a ‘no kids’ wedding was unreasonable is a relative of DH who got married on either 27/28 December (can’t remember exact date) and stipulated no kids. A lot of her friends turned her down as their usual childcare places were closed for Christmas and their relatives were hosting/being hosted by another family member.

AnotherKrampus · 16/02/2021 21:24

We had strictly no children or babies at our wedding. It meant that a couple of people declined. We were more than fine with that. In fact, we very much took that into consideration before issuing the invites. We had really liked these mates before becoming parents but both sets of them become pretty insufferable afterwards. One couple had the most obnoxious toddler who run riot, would pull down stuff from tables and regularly ruined any gathering, while they did nothing and smiled indulgently. There was absolutely no way, I would put up with that on our wedding day. As a few mentioned, it’s primarily a special celebration for the couple and friends are nice to have around but not the most essential part of the day. We also fully expected another friend to decline the invite, as she was very wrapped up with her baby. Her family offered to babysit, as the baby was by no means a new-born and around 5 months old by then but often very loud and cranky. I did not feel guilty at all in her case because she would happily organise babysitting for an entire day or even weekend if she wanted to go on a Spa day or retreat. She could only not bear to be parted with her baby on social occasions because she wanted to be the centre of attention and get everyone to coo over and prioritise her baby. I get it, of course, most parents are smitten with their babies but it doesn’t mean everyone else is and this was our one special day when we did not want to pander to child-friendly activities and really party. The few other guests who had DC loved it

figgypudding24 · 16/02/2021 21:52

Op, I don't think you've ever had to deal with the stress of various family and friends whinging that it isn't fair and having to figure out where to draw the line at age some people would insist their child is EBF when on solids! - Wedding planning for me was an absolute nightmare because everyone felt entitled to bring their child or baby- being in my early thirties almost all my friends and cousins, siblings etc all have multiple young children. when you say you can invite one but not another it causes huge difficulties. Not to mention the cost and wedding size. there would have been 60 kids and 40 adults (and that was our guestlist cut right down) which would have been ridiculous - a creche rather than a wedding! not to mention the cost of weddings now even for the cheapest wedding you could book would still be too expensive to justify what would have become a large group of children with a few adults to supervise?! I really love children but it is ridiculous and not the wedding day many people would have planned.....

LolaSmiles · 17/02/2021 08:03

I don't really understand what you are getting at about the 'staring' or 'centre of attention' stuff re the B&G but no need to explain
To illustrate, one of my good friends (we get on well but have very different views of weddings) has decided that their wedding will be totally childfree, including babies. They are quite open about the fact that this is for several reasons. One is that they feel children ruin the party and parents won't drink and party as hard if they have their children with them, which is true for most people. Another is that they openly want what they call the 5* day where there's all eyes on them, and if there's children then all the attention won't be on them all day. The view weddings as an adult party where everyone spends all day in awe of the couple and all the wedding details. Their group of girl friends from childhood all have a very similar view, whereas across our friendship group in adulthood there's a broader range of views.

I view weddings as a family occasion where the couple does their vows, but beyond that it's essentially a nice excuse to have everyone together, so don't go to weddings expecting the whole day to be geared around an adult party, or where the expectation is that everyone spends all day focusing on the couple. That's the norm in my circles growing up.

It's just different priorities and views of what a wedding should be like.

Sparklingbrook · 17/02/2021 08:25

I say you 'no need to explain', and then I get to illustrate

CherryRoulade · 17/02/2021 08:51

I guess it’s about differences as to what a marriage ceremony is for. For many it’s about making a public commitment to the wedding vows. Children don’t stop or inhibit that.

Sometimes it’s more about a stage managed image of perfection, a show. Children might interrupt that, I suppose.

Lockdownbear · 17/02/2021 09:06

[quote supersonicginandtonic]@Lockdownbear I'd be happy taking the older ones as they'll be 14, 13 and 12 but the little ones will be 3 and 15 months. Too difficult for keep them quiet during the ceremony and speeches and they won't enjoy it. I'd much rather leave them with a baby sitter. Think we'll all enjoy it more that way. [/quote]
I that case I'd let LOs stay with a babysitter or have them picked up after the photos

Sparklingbrook · 17/02/2021 09:19

@CherryRoulade

I guess it’s about differences as to what a marriage ceremony is for. For many it’s about making a public commitment to the wedding vows. Children don’t stop or inhibit that.

Sometimes it’s more about a stage managed image of perfection, a show. Children might interrupt that, I suppose.

It's not really either of those things for me and certainly nothing to do with being showy or wanting perfection. I feel that the saying the vows bit is important, and I would feel the same if it's in front of two hundred people or one witness, just let the vows be uninterrupted and quiet. It's not that much to ask when it's something that you won't be doing again in your life (hopefully!), it's a one off thing that you can look back on.

As I said by all means get the children/babies at the evening do as it makes no difference how loud they are then!

Changi · 17/02/2021 09:36

Not to mention the cost and wedding size. there would have been 60 kids and 40 adults

I can see that that ratio might be tricky. We had over 100 adults at least 40 children. Parents took turns to supervise the more risky activities at the reception.

We had a free bar and the party ended at dawn. Having children present didn't appear to stop people enjoying themselves.

Like somebody has already said, different people have different ideas on what a wedding should be like.

LolaSmiles · 17/02/2021 09:50

Sparklingbrook
Yes, but there's others on the thread

Sparklingbrook · 17/02/2021 09:53

@LolaSmiles

Sparklingbrook Yes, but there's others on the thread

I can’t speak for everyone.

Ikora · 17/02/2021 11:16

We had a special activity table for dc at our wedding.

Though not for me it is the couples choice to have no dc at weddings. There has been one childfree wedding in our family. It was the most beautiful wedding I have ever seen and cost ridiculous amounts of money. But it was all very staged and the bride was a bridezilla extraordinaire. I thought my poor sister was going to have a breakdown with all the demands. The other brother had his wedding two years later, they are my nephews. His was far more enjoyable and a lot of fun. I ended up supervising the sweet table which was amazing and the children were so excited.

So it’s just down to the couple regardless of how we as invited guests feel. I do love a wedding all those connections made some more welcome than others.

LolaSmiles · 17/02/2021 15:22

So it’s just down to the couple regardless of how we as invited guests feel.
I agree. Couples can make whatever choices they want, as long as they don't get moody if people can't attend or they don't stay as long because they have to factor in childcare.

My pet hate at weddings is if there's a huge section of the day where there's a bar and everyone is expected to mingle for an hour or two whilst the couple get photos, or the main room is being rearranged and there's usually limited seating. Things like that that don't consider the guests annoy me more than whether someone invites children or not.

BlobbyYouTwat · 17/02/2021 16:59

I'm absolutely fine with people declining because they cannot bring their kids. Very few people in our lives have children anyway.

Neither of us are particularly close to extended family, but we have lots of lovely close friends who are more like family to us, many of whom do not have children. We do not have very child centric lives.

I have no problem with people seeing family weddings as a big multi-generational event, but neither of us had that kind of upbringing. We're very happy people and have wonderful friends in our lives.

Our wedding involves a wine tasting and live bands, neither of which would be particularly fun for children.

supersonicginandtonic · 17/02/2021 18:36

@BlobbyYouTwat oooh can I have an invite to your wedding please? I will happily leave my kids to come 😂

BlobbyYouTwat · 17/02/2021 19:21

[quote supersonicginandtonic]@BlobbyYouTwat oooh can I have an invite to your wedding please? I will happily leave my kids to come 😂[/quote]
If it ever happens! It was postponed from last July to October then to next summer, so it'll probably end up being 2023 at this rate if covid keeps being an utter bastard!

gnashingsalt · 17/02/2021 20:15

It’s their wedding so yeh YTA. I can’t stand parents who think their kids should be accommodated in every area of life. Since you’re clearly a redditor, check out r/entitledparents, you might spot yourself on there

gnashingsalt · 17/02/2021 20:40

@Teakind

I don’t think it’s fair to not allow babes in arms. I understand not wanting to have lots of kids running around but it’s very hard to leave a young baby. Two of my friends have recently had ‘no children’ weddings but babies were allowed. It meant I could bring my baby DS but had to leave my young DD with her grandparents.

I felt uneasy about it but they were close friends so I went.

A PP has said she’s had to stay behind with a baby while her DH attended weddings in the past. There’s no way we would do that. It would be both of us or nothing.

Can you & your DH not cope without each other for a day?

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