Babies at weddings AITA?

[HM2018]

I am the maid of honour for my younger sister’s wedding this summer. Her and her fiancé are both pre-kids and I have a 3 yr old and am expecting a second child in 3 weeks.
I have been to a lot of weddings and in my experience, it’s totally fine to say ‘no kids’ for a wedding, but everyone allows you to bring ‘babes in arms’ i.e. little babies who don’t cost anything as they’re still on milk and don’t require a seat.
However my sister and her fiancé are planning on allowing me to bring my 2 kids, but saying to others that no kids (including babies) can come. Obviously a lot of people are very happy to leave their babies or kids with grandparents, so for many it won’t be an issue. But I just feel that obligating parents to choose between having to leave their baby or being part of a social event, is really unfair and quite an outdated stance to have on it. In this day & age I think Mums should be supported and accommodated in taking their babies with them. To be clear, I’m talking about babies who are still being milk fed and who don’t take up a seat at a table etc.
What do people think?

@Frogartist

not allowing babies and children at weddings is quite a new tradition, not the other way round. But it is up to the bride and groom to invite anyone they like. Personally I think weddings with (well behaved) children are much nicer.

This.

Weddings have traditionally been very much family occasions, attended by all ages. Adults only is a very recent trend.

We had a child free wedding except for close family (nieces and nephews). The only people who didn’t make it due to children/baby reasons were a heavily pregnant friend overseas who was past the cut off date for flying and a new mum who was recovering from a unplanned c section two weeks earlier. We had already said she could bring the babe in arms if she was up to it.

But, we had no other friends with young children at the time. Everyone with children was used to leaving them with people overnight and had childcare options so it want an issue for them.

Had it meant a lot of people wouldn’t have been able to make it I might have reconsidered.

The no children thing was purely a numbers thing for us though rather than not wanting children there specifically.

Totally up to them, I'm not bothered about attending weddings with or without children but I can't see a simple justification for the B & G not having it exactly as they no one has to go if it doesn't suit them.

@lounatics you've been to lots of weddings you werent invited too?! What? Do you just turn up?

If it's going to be quite a wedding, with a lot of alcohol, perhaps kid free is best

I’m not fussed if an invitation says no kids, but I’ll tell you what really pissed me off with a couple of my cousins weddings. “No kids invited to keep costs down” on our invitations. Y’know actual family who had to travel to get there and find babysitters (outside of the family obviously) for overnight, couldn’t bring kids and yet when we get there there’s loads of kids who are all kids of their friends. That had me a bit to be honest. But a blanket no kids rule is fine by me. As others have said, you just have to be prepared for people to decline if they can’t make it work.

Totally up to the couple having the wedding. We had our toddler at the ceremony then my friends mum took him home, he had a lovely afternoon with her and we got to relax. He sat quietly amazingly during the vows ( my friend was on standby to take him out if he wasn’t happy), whereas my sister in law allowed her 2 year old to shout, screech, bang her toy against the seat and eventually wail throughout the whole ceremony. Elderly relatives couldn’t hear the vows and my sister in law sat with her husband both smiling indulgently at their child. I was pretty pissed off that one of them didn’t take the child outside. According to my mil that made the wedding having the input of this child.

I find child-free weddings a bit bleak TBH. Going to weddings as a kid is part of seeing how adults do things - part of learning social cues and so on.

I can understand not wanting screaming babies there (I had to take our eldest out of a friend's wedding), but I think weddings lose a community element if kids are excluded.

I always find it a bit weird that people say “no children apart from my lovely nieces”. It’s like saying I know my sister won’t come without her kids and I don’t want her to say she’s not coming, but I don’t care whether you turn the invite down because your kids can’t come!.

Their wedding, their choice, why should it be ruined by hungry babies crying, what are you going to do if yours wants feeding part way through the actual wedding?

And why should mums be accommodated, not everyone wants children at such an event

@Giraffaelina

I think it's quite standard, I literally have never been to a wedding in the UK where kids / babies were invited. But some invites did mention in advance that children (as well as babies) of close family will be attending so everyone knew what to expect. This of course means that some families will not attend as they don't want to leave their kids at home. Plus it's not always because they cost money / take up a seat but because they tend to get (understandably) bored and noisy and it's not always possible to set up a kids entertainment corner etc...

On the other hand, I have never been to a wedding where there were no children.

Personally, I love having children at a wedding. I had a fair few at mine, ranging from one who was about 10 months old to to a 13 year old and it wouldn't have been the same without them.

But obviously each to his own.

I don’t think it’s fair to not allow babes in arms. I understand not wanting to have lots of kids running around but it’s very hard to leave a young baby. Two of my friends have recently had ‘no children’ weddings but babies were allowed. It meant I could bring my baby DS but had to leave my young DD with her grandparents.

I felt uneasy about it but they were close friends so I went.

A PP has said she’s had to stay behind with a baby while her DH attended weddings in the past. There’s no way we would do that. It would be both of us or nothing.

Only family children is a thing. It’s their decision. Not your problem if other people are annoyed they can’t go - they won’t know your two are there anyway - or if they get childcare, go and see you and your DC. Why are letting your sister and her fiancé’s wedding guest decision affect you?

I also think families are a multi generational occasion and it’s lovely to have young and old together.

I'm currently organising our wedding and it's a huge issue for me. We have kids of our own and there are some other children we're close to as a family that I'd like to invite (also company for our children.

However, if we invite all the children of all our friends (many of which are my friends and I barely know their kids, or his friends whose kids he barely knows, rather than joint) then that's an extra 20 people I have to pay for at £40-80 each!

Sounds boring for you kids- they'll have nowone to play with.

My husband and I were invited to an adult only evening reception 3 hours away so would of required an overnight stay. The bride understood we would have to bring the children if we were to attend. She suggested we leave them in the hotel room, they were 2 and 4 at the time! Needless to say we didn't go but there were no hard feelings from either side.
I'm all for people doing their wedding day exactly how they want it!
A baby cried through most of the vows at my wedding but I can't remember being overly fussed by it!

It’s hardly unfair - it’s their wedding! If you don’t want to leave your baby then don’t, you’re not obliged to attend.

In this day & age I think Mums should be supported and accommodated in taking their babies with them.
In this day and age when everything is so blooming expensive and there is so much pressure on brides to be perfect and have the perfect day I think they should be supported and accommodated by their friends and family following their wishes and not thinking they're entitled to special treatment because they want it. By your second child you should be past the PFB entitled mama thing OP.

I love kids. Me and my husband met later in life and haven’t been able to have them sadly. I always assumed I’d have kids at my wedding. By the time we got married in our 40s, we’d been to a million weddings on our own and many of our friends had had kids years ago. We also have many single friends and couples without children because of how our own lives have turned out.
If we’d invited all the children of our long-standing friends - many of whom we’ve barely met though I’m sure they’re fantastic kids - we’d have not been able to invite many of our other friends. So we said family children only or siblings of bridesmaids (two of whom were my goddaughters).
It’s mainly my friends who have kids and I was fairly sure thinking through them all that they’d all be ok for childcare with family (which is lucky for them and me). We said very early on when we mentioned the dates what we were planning and asked people individually if it would cause them a problem. If it had we’d have tried to make it work for them (or accepted they couldn’t come). All were fine about it and most said they were looking forward to a grown up party for a change. We were worried the kids who did come would be a bit bored so we got games packs for them and gave some of them special roles.
In the end it was my toddler niece who was a flower girl who screamed through our vows. Pretty annoying and my sister was mortified but in another way it probably is part of what makes a wedding.
But having waited for ages and accommodated others’ weddings for years when I had to turn up alone but did it for them (same for my husband), I also hoped our guests would understand the way we wanted to do it for our special day so we could have the adults there that we wanted.
So in many ways I love a child filled wedding but equally my priorities had changed by the time mine actually came around and I’m glad I had it the way we did and that our friends understood and we all had a brilliant time. That means such a lot to me, always will.

I think it's reasonable to invite family children only actually. For a start, most people do actually know the children in their family but might not know the children of friends. When we got married my ILs presented us with a list of their friends who "had" to be invited - including their children that neither DH nor I had ever met. Well I wasn't wild about inviting any of them really but was prepared to compromise for the sake of peace. But I most certainly was not willing to miss our own friends off the guest list in order to accomodate a bunch of kids that I had never met. I would think that most people do have a hierarchy of guests if they are honest, and wanting the children of your sister or best friend there but not, say, the children of colleagues is fair enough.

I think it’s fine for people to arrange weddings as child /baby free events so long as they are accepting that this means that some people won’t/can’t come.

My brother said no babies at his wedding when my son was 3 months old. I told him that I wouldn’t be able to come if that was the case because I was not prepared to leave my 3 month old and had no one to leave him with anyway ( everyone obviously at the wedding). He let me bring the baby in the end.

Generally I prefer weddings on my own without the kids. Weddings don’t tend to be that child friendly... kind days, big expectations of behaviour, food running late, lots of waiting about for different parts to start etc,

Child free wedding - fine

Child free except close family children - fine

Child free except babes in arms - fine

Child free except family children and babes in arms - fine

Big free for all with all children invited - fine

Where it might come unstuck:

Bride and groom hurt and upset people can’t come. See also Tuesday wedding, destination wedding.

Genuine misunderstanding of what is being asked - B&G may genuinely not understand the realities of breastfeeding a little one/childcare available. If you’re close - talk about it.

Aren’t most weddings public ceremonies? Like baptisms and funerals?

There was a wedding most saturdays at the church at the end of my street when I was growing up. Plenty of people would go in an watch, including me and my friends some days especially if it was raining. We liked it when someone gave us some confetti or rice and we could throw it. My Mum would take us in to sit in the back sometimes if we were passing because it was a nice thing to see. Lots of older people would also attend. You knew who was invited and who wasn’t by the gap, there’d be a few empty pews and then the hangers on.

We also got to stick around for a fair few baptisms as they were often after the main church services and in the summer they’d often have cake in the churchyard after and hand it out.

Funerals were of course advertised in the paper and open door with very little idea on numbers. The funerals I've arranged Ive met many people I didn’t even know existed, never mind known to invite.

When I was older I also worked at many weddings as I worked in events.

So yes, I’ve been to many weddings I wasn’t invited to. Are they not matters of public record ?

I think weddings are family occasions and it is a bit weird not to have children at them. I had children a bit earlier than most of my friends so I missed most of their weddings because they didn’t want babies at them. I didn’t really mind but some of my friends were a bit annoyed that I didn’t make the effort to go. They were more forgiving once they had children and were breastfeeding.