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Original poster

Babies at weddings AITA?

172 replies

HM2018 · 15/02/2021 18:20

I am the maid of honour for my younger sister’s wedding this summer. Her and her fiancé are both pre-kids and I have a 3 yr old and am expecting a second child in 3 weeks.
I have been to a lot of weddings and in my experience, it’s totally fine to say ‘no kids’ for a wedding, but everyone allows you to bring ‘babes in arms’ i.e. little babies who don’t cost anything as they’re still on milk and don’t require a seat.
However my sister and her fiancé are planning on allowing me to bring my 2 kids, but saying to others that no kids (including babies) can come. Obviously a lot of people are very happy to leave their babies or kids with grandparents, so for many it won’t be an issue. But I just feel that obligating parents to choose between having to leave their baby or being part of a social event, is really unfair and quite an outdated stance to have on it. In this day & age I think Mums should be supported and accommodated in taking their babies with them. To be clear, I’m talking about babies who are still being milk fed and who don’t take up a seat at a table etc.
What do people think?

OP posts:

Ragwort · 16/02/2021 08:09

But why do brides get so offended if guests turn down the invite?

And equally, why are guests so offended ... if the invite says 'no children' then you either arrange childcare or decline. No one has to accept the invitation.

custardbear · 16/02/2021 08:19

Bride and grooms choice - however it was a bonus fir me when I couldn't be a bridesmaid one time due to this rule - I really didnt want to be as it was clear our friendship got rocky between her asking me snd the day, long story, she started being a bit bullying, which she always did to other people, guess it was my turn, and I became aloof as I can't be bothered with bullies or politics, so it was a great excuse that i couldn't come, except an hour on the evening, I did my duty and left her to it.

SnuggyBuggy · 16/02/2021 08:21

[quote supersonicginandtonic]@SnuggyBuggy but that's why I love child free wedddings. I get an excuse to dress up, enjoy myself and let my hair down. [/quote]
Because the decision to not have children is always either cost or because you don't want the noise and nothing to do with wanting guests to let their hair down.

Do it if you want, your choice just don't pretend you've done it for my benefit. I don't need a wedding invitation to leave me kids with someone in order to let my hair down.

And don't do one of those awful poems about it.

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3 year olds Families Weddings

Fridget · 16/02/2021 08:42

I think excluding babies in arms is just selfish

Can’t stand this attitude.

I’ve been at 3 weddings where I’ve been close to the bride, and she has told me she has been upset because of baby noise in the ceremony - in one wedding a baby screamed as she walked down the aisle. In another the baby while not actually screaming was fractious and noisy throughout.

It’s selfish not to want that to happen at your wedding?

I’ve been at others where babies have been noisy but I don’t know how the bride felt about it.

Why the fuck is it selfish? Because it means some people can’t go? It’s selfish to have a wedding if some people can’t go? Fucking hell.

Actually this is just another example of society thinking that childless women (which is the majority of brides having child free weddings) are inferior to mothers such that even on one of the biggest days of her life, what she wants is less important than a mother having to potentially decline a wedding invitation.

And yes I do have children.

Sparklingbrook · 16/02/2021 08:49

Babes in arms are the worst for wailing through the ceremony. I would rather have older children at a wedding if I had to have any (no children at all at our wedding)

I have seen too many ceremonies disrupted by screechy 'babes in arms' and toddlers yelling the bride's name through the vows/speeches etc to think they are a good addition to proceedings.

WhoStoleMyCheese · 16/02/2021 08:55

Can you not see why after having spent several thousand pounds on an event people don’t want it ruined by a crying baby? Also whoever pays for a party gets to decide.

Aurorie11 · 16/02/2021 08:57

Couples choice, for me weddings are about family and friends including children. We had a small wedding of 40 and there was children of 10, 7, 3, 2 and 1. It had been the 10 year old birthday the same week bought him a birthday cake and got all to sing happy birthday to him. But it was our choice

WhoStoleMyCheese · 16/02/2021 08:58

Also to add this rule is because of the general rudeness and inconsiderate ness of wedding guests, not the bridge/groom.
I’ve been in charge of my baby cousin at weddings - with strict instructions to take her outside the hall if she started being fractious. If everyone had the decency to behave like this then perhaps babies would be allowed at more weddings.

Sparklingbrook · 16/02/2021 09:03

When DB got married DS1 was 5 months old (DB was happy for children to attend). DH sat with him in the bar at the wedding venue so I could relax and watch the wedding without worrying about a fussy baby.
Unfortunately SIL's relatives didn't adopt that approach and one of their toddlers shouted throughout the vows. SIL was soooo upset.

GrimDamnFanjo · 16/02/2021 09:23

Their wedding, their rules.
When mine were younger I just declined the invitation.

AIMD · 16/02/2021 09:28

@WhoStoleMyCheese

Also to add this rule is because of the general rudeness and inconsiderate ness of wedding guests, not the bridge/groom. I’ve been in charge of my baby cousin at weddings - with strict instructions to take her outside the hall if she started being fractious. If everyone had the decency to behave like this then perhaps babies would be allowed at more weddings.

Ha ha. Except when you have a baby they’re crying, babbling loudly or otherwise making noise 90% of the time. My kids are older now but when they were babies I remember feeling highly stressed about them making fuss places and spending a large portion of my time taking them out of cafes, grandparents houses etc because they’re were behaving in a completely appropriate way for their age. It’s not a nice feeling.

I’d rather someone said no babies than allowed someone to being a baby only to expect either the baby to not act like a baby or the parent to spend the whole wedding walking the halls so as not to disturb the other guests by having a baby who acts like a baby.

Sparklingbrook · 16/02/2021 09:30

I think the 'I'll take them out if they start crying/fussing' people are the worst. The damage is already done and then the disruption involved in standing up/moving about noisily and opening doors to get out makes it all ten times worse!

RoseAndRose · 16/02/2021 10:33

@Sparklingbrook

Strongly agree!

LolaSmiles · 16/02/2021 10:40

I think weddings are family occasions so don't see the appeal in banning children and babies, but then all my friends and family tend to nip out quietly if their children get restless.
If a couple wants to insist on child free and baby free weddings then they can, but they can't be annoyed if friends and family decline due to childcare.

One of my friends has decided she is having a childfree wedding because she wants the adults to be able to have a drink and party all night. What I think she's forgotten is that some of us will actually be leaving earlier to drive home because the children will be with babysitters, whereas if children were invited then I'd probably stay down with friends later and DH would go up with DC.

supersonicginandtonic · 16/02/2021 17:22

@Lockdownbear I'd be happy taking the older ones as they'll be 14, 13 and 12 but the little ones will be 3 and 15 months. Too difficult for keep them quiet during the ceremony and speeches and they won't enjoy it. I'd much rather leave them with a baby sitter. Think we'll all enjoy it more that way.

Sparklingbrook · 16/02/2021 17:35

nip out quietly

I have never witnessed this. Baby screams during vows, everyone looks, moment is interrupted. Baby owner gets up, making other people stand, looks apologetic/uncomfortable (or not sometimes!), pretends to be invisible while rushing out/opening doors baby's screams still audible into the distance...

Back to the vows.

LolaSmiles · 16/02/2021 19:17

Sparklingbrook
Maybe we've been lucky as I can't think of any weddings I've been to where there's been babies screaming and ruining things, including ours. I also accept though that different people have different visions of their day, so if your view is that weddings are a nice day with family then you're probably less bothered about some infant cooing than if you see it as a day of showcasing your romance as a couple and want all eyes on you.

It's up to people how they want to arrange their invites though. My issue is the growing number of people wanting child free and baby free weddings whilst also expecting everyone to RSVP yes to out of area venues and/or get funny about people leaving earlier because they have to get back for the children.

Sparklingbrook · 16/02/2021 19:25

@LolaSmiles

Sparklingbrook Maybe we've been lucky as I can't think of any weddings I've been to where there's been babies screaming and ruining things, including ours. I also accept though that different people have different visions of their day, so if your view is that weddings are a nice day with family then you're probably less bothered about some infant cooing than if you see it as a day of showcasing your romance as a couple and want all eyes on you.

I went to a lot of weddings throughout the 90s when there seemed to be one a week of out friends/family getting married each summer. All seemed to involve some sort of screeching from a baby/toddler at some point. We had a tiny wedding with no children, but there was only one couple who had a 4 year old at that point and didn't want to bring him anyway.

I've not been to a wedding since 2003 so maybe I am out of date and it's all full on bouncy castles and children's entertainers now?

Changi · 16/02/2021 19:25

I think weddings are family occasions so don't see the appeal in banning children and babies,

Nor do I. In my family, weddings are excuses for big family parties. Everyone welcome. Luckily, I married into a family with same values.

Sparklingbrook · 16/02/2021 19:28

I don't think it matters so much at the evening do. The important bit is done and with the loud music nobody is going to worry too much about the noisy children doing knee slides on the dance floor etc

BlobbyYouTwat · 16/02/2021 19:32

I've been at more than one where the ceremony was ruined by screaming - not gently cooing - babies and toddlers. Including one where the MoB actually stood up and told the parent of the baby to please leave, as the baby was showing no signs of quieting and the parent just stood there dumbly jiggling them. Another where a toddler ran amok up the aisle.

I don't blame the kids, it's not their fault. But it was pretty bad, and the bride looked very upset at one.

My wedding is next year. We are not having any children at the ceremony. We don't have children, and only a couple of friends do. My cousins might not come if they can't bring their children but I'm not particularly fussed about them coming anyway. I'd rather have no children than a couple of distant cousins not coming.

Lalapurple · 16/02/2021 19:36

I agree with you OP - mums should be supported and accommodated. Society is very intolerant of babies.
I wouldn't mind if a baby cried during my wedding- also my experience is that little babies don't cry as often as people tend to make out. (toddlers may be a different matter)

Sparklingbrook · 16/02/2021 19:37

Even ‘cooing’ is not great is it?

Good for that MOB @BlobbyYouTwat but she shouldn’t have had to do it- the poor bride and groom.

Lanzo · 16/02/2021 20:26

Babies and toddlers can a marvellous excuse to get out of parts of the service or speeches and there is always a small gathering of people outside to chat to. I can see why the bride and groom might not see this as a good thing though!

LolaSmiles · 16/02/2021 20:33

Sparklingbrook
If a slight noise leaving a baby's mouth is considered to be horrific then that sounds miserable to me, but each to their own. That's why some people don't invite children or babies.

I think that a wedding day is absolutely THE DAY for 'showcasing your romance' isn't that sort of the point? As for 'all eyes on you' then that's going to happen on your wedding day surely, rather that than all eyes on a noisy baby?
I think you're missing my point. Of course the couple getting married will be showing their romance. I was more meaning that if the couple is the sort of couple who expect their guests to spend every second of the day staring at them and love the centre of attention thing then the likelihood they will view the presence of children very differently to an equally in love couple who view their wedding day as a celebration of their love with friends and family.

I've not been to a wedding since 2003 so maybe I am out of date and it's all full on bouncy castles and children's entertainers now?
It depends on your circles. Most of the ones I've been to, mine included, were friends and family and included children. Parents occupied their children, if a baby cooed or laughed nobody got stroppy or felt an annoyed. No wedding vows were ruined, nobody was miserable that someone might have attention or discussion on something else other than the bride/groom at all times. No couples provided children's entertainment. Families were invited to a family event.

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