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Original poster

My nearly 5 year old told me he didn't love me and it has broken me

107 replies

Pathetic32 · 01/02/2021 19:37

And please don't pile on me because I know I am pathetic and I know he is only 4 and they all say stuff like that sometimes. Logically I know that. But it just broke me today. I try so hard. I work but my job is freelance and can be done in the evenings so during the day I am pretty much totally with ds (dh wfh but no flexibility really, standard office hours- he takes over at 5pm and does dinner and bath etc). I thought we were getting on quite well, he seems to enjoy homeschool such as it is, haven't really had any strops etc. I had PND when he was a baby and felt so guilty and him just casually spouting out that he loves daddy more than me and if I didn't live there he and daddy would have fun and wouldn't miss me. Just made me feel shit. I knew I was going to cry and didn't want him to see so I said something very generally like that isn't a kind thing to say DS and took myself off to the bathroom. Just feel shit.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pathetic32 · 01/02/2021 19:37

He wasn't even in a bad mood at the time either so it wasn't said in anger, he just casually threw it out there

OP posts:
FallenSky · 01/02/2021 19:39

Ooh their words can cut can't they? You know, rationally, that he doesn't mean it and he's so little but I do understand how upsetting things like that can be to hear. Flowers

Original poster
Pathetic32 · 01/02/2021 19:43

I'm sitting here furious with myself for letting myself get so upset over it tbh. Fgs he is four!

OP posts:

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ThePlantsitter · 01/02/2021 19:46

I have never met a 4 year old boy who didn't have the capacity to be a little bastard. Sorry not to mince words. I think there's a hormonal thing that happens then. Feel better Flowers

IncludeWomenInTheSequel · 01/02/2021 19:46

Oh love, give yourself a break, parenting is fucking hard right now!

I had a big go at my 8 year old today as he was messing about and making schoolwork so much harder than it had to be, I really shouted at him.

A couple of hours later I was checking his spelling and he had written 'Mummy is the kindest person I know'. And I totally cried. I didn't deserve it.

But what it showed me is that their emotions are fleeting, and even when negative things happen they love us through it all anyway.

Nanny2many · 01/02/2021 19:47

Do you know it’s okay to tell him that’s a hurtful thing to say? If you feel too fragile to say it perhaps your hubby could mention it to him

BalladOfBarryAndFreda · 01/02/2021 19:49

@ThePlantsitter

I have never met a 4 year old boy who didn't have the capacity to be a little bastard. Sorry not to mince words. I think there's a hormonal thing that happens then. Feel better Flowers
So true.

Hugs to you, OP. He does love you, I’m sure, he’s just being 4.

SummerHouse · 01/02/2021 19:51

You are his world. He might not say it, or even think it, but you are. My DS once genuinely believed he was Jesus Christ. They are so complicated and weird. Confused

GloriaGuadalajara · 01/02/2021 19:51

My 4yo said similar this week and has in the past - I always reply that he doesn't have to love me but that I will love him to the sun and back forever and there is nothing he could ever do or say to change that.
Later he came to say sorry and told me "I'll never unlove you really".
I think sometimes they just like to test if your love truly is unconditional. Little sods.

flowersWB · 01/02/2021 19:52

Not much advice but much empathy here.

Both my girls do the same. The youngest actually cries if I collect them from the childminder instead of their dad. So not only do I feel awful, I'm also humiliated in front of someone whose opinion I care about. I try to reassure myself that it's because he's the fun parent who engages in physical play and chucks them around and takes them on bike rides. I'm currently heavily pregnant and so can't do those things but was fairly chubby and unfit before too so not the most hands on...

they do still come to me if they want comfort, eg at night or if they're hurt or sick so that makes me feel a bit better.
Mostly I try to remember that the opinion of 6 and 3 year olds is based on very shallow things and shouldn't be taken too seriously.

Pickles89 · 01/02/2021 19:53

Oh OP, that must have been so hurtful. When I was about his age my mum was upset about something and my attempt to cheer her up was to tell her not to worry because I loved her nearly as much as my teddies... Small children come out with all sorts of bullshit.

Original poster
Pathetic32 · 01/02/2021 19:55

Do you know it’s okay to tell him that’s a hurtful thing to say? If you feel too fragile to say it perhaps your hubby could mention it to him

DH pulled him up on it immediately and said it was a very unkind thing to say

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Original poster
Pathetic32 · 01/02/2021 19:55

Thank you all for being so nice

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MrsCrosbyNRTB · 01/02/2021 19:56

I have 3 boys (13, 11, 9) and would say that at one point or another (everyday) they can be utterly foul. They’ve ALL said things like that. At 4 they don’t understand the magnitude of what they’re saying, they just want to be as MEAN AS POSSIBLE in the heat of the moment. Totally agree with a PP who said to tell him it’s not nice to say and it’s very upsetting but I’d also add that letting him know that big emotions are ok too is important.

Good luck! It’s a roller coaster isn’t it? Flowers

birdglasspen · 01/02/2021 19:57

My 4 year old said he wanted a new mum today, I restrained myself from saying I'd like a new son..... don't take it to heart he doesn't mean it but do make sure he is told that it isn't a nice thing to say. x

Original poster
Pathetic32 · 01/02/2021 19:58

The thing is I totally get it about big emotions and so on but this wasn't really like that, we were playing trains perfectly happily and then he just came out with it as a random throwaway comment!

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andysdinousaur · 01/02/2021 19:59

I told my 4 year old off today for leaping off the sofa.
He said he was going to send me to prison and we weren't best friends anymore. Charming!!!

Hardbackwriter · 01/02/2021 19:59

Sympathy and solidarity, OP. My 2.5 year old keeps telling me that 'I not need you mummy, I just need daddy', told me that he doesn't like me and cries when I go in rather than his dad when he wakes up in the morning. I know it's circumstantial: I'm 39 weeks pregnant and he gets frustrated with what I can't/won't do with him, and also I'm now on mat leave and with him all day whereas DH is working from home and so tantalisingly unavailable. I also know that he's 2 and has no real idea what he's saying. It still really hurts.

WagnerTheWehrWolf · 01/02/2021 19:59

You poor thing. Perfectly natural for you to feel upset about that. They can be such self-centred little Emperors (and Empresses) at that age. Glad he was told it was an unkind thing to say. He does love you, loves you loads I'm sure. He was just being a bit bratty.

IncludeWomenInTheSequel · 01/02/2021 19:59

When my son he was 4 he was absolutely awful! He hit peak Little Bastard at 4, and he's got nicer every year since.

Wearywithteens · 01/02/2021 19:59

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

fairlygoodmother · 01/02/2021 20:00

I think any parent would find that very hurtful.

Obviously you know he doesn’t mean it. But as a pp said, is it possible that your dh is the fun parent and you are always the one enforcing boundaries? It might be worth thinking about whether there are any adjustments you can make in your family’s division of time and activities.

Emeraldshamrock · 01/02/2021 20:00

I'm sorry you're hurt. All the DC are feeling extra mean these days.
DS aged 6 told me I look like a granny he was angry on a good day he thinks I look like hayley quinn I don't look like either he wanted to be mean.
He says he loves/hates me every day he is an emotional wreck.

Original poster
Pathetic32 · 01/02/2021 20:02

I definitely know I needed to go for the well I love you sort of comment but I just felt overwhelmed suddenly with hurt. I know it is ridiculous as I am a grown woman and he is a tiny child. I have major issues around rejection due to issues issues my own parents and I have always been hyper aware that I must not project that onto DS.yet here I am doing it. I think I am very self aware and know exactly why I feel how I do and yet I still can't stop myself feeling it ifswyim.

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Mercedes519 · 01/02/2021 20:03

You know it means you’re getting it right OP?

It means your DS is utterly secure in your love and takes you for granted. If he genuinely believed you would leave he would be distraught.

Your next challenge is to teach him that while he can (and should) take you for granted in that you will always love him, it shouldn’t stop him expressing his gratitude and being nice to you. When you crack that one please let me know...