My nearly 5 year old told me he didn't love me and it has broken me

[Pathetic32]

And please don't pile on me because I know I am pathetic and I know he is only 4 and they all say stuff like that sometimes. Logically I know that. But it just broke me today. I try so hard. I work but my job is freelance and can be done in the evenings so during the day I am pretty much totally with ds (dh wfh but no flexibility really, standard office hours- he takes over at 5pm and does dinner and bath etc). I thought we were getting on quite well, he seems to enjoy homeschool such as it is, haven't really had any strops etc. I had PND when he was a baby and felt so guilty and him just casually spouting out that he loves daddy more than me and if I didn't live there he and daddy would have fun and wouldn't miss me. Just made me feel shit. I knew I was going to cry and didn't want him to see so I said something very generally like that isn't a kind thing to say DS and took myself off to the bathroom. Just feel shit.

@Pathetic32
Little children can be very savvy and quite good at “ manipulating “ parents.

They can read adults like a book, even at four, BUT....- I wonder where he learned to say those things, though?
Parroting your husband??

“We have more fun without Mummy, don’t we, eh”?..

It is highly unlikely a 4 yr old would come out with this off their own bat.

I have two children, one who is quite advanced and has always been very mature....would a 4 year old really say something like that off their own back? Think of it all by themselves and string the sentences together?

Of course they can. Of course four year olds can think and string sentences together. Perhaps your child isn't quite as advanced as you thought.

I bet your son likes jam some days and chocolate spread on others, they are like that the littles aren't they, tomorrow is another day (can't help thinking of Scarlett O'Hara having said that), have a good/ better evening.

That would break my heart to hear that. But I would also know deep down that he didn’t mean it. Sending a hug

It is highly unlikely a 4 yr old would come out with this off their own bat.

Really? So do you think the father of my 2yo had been speculating on the delights of my imminent demise?

When I left ex dh (I took ds age 3 with me), I asked him who he loved the most. He said ex. I wondered where I was on the list, so he went through all the people he loved. I was about 20th!

My point is, small children say all sorts of rubbish which can change almost on a minute by minute basis.

Try not to let it bother you. They have no self awareness and a nowhere near as big an emotional range as you.

Hyppogriff, ime they are difficult in different ways. 2yos in the straightforward, throwing themselves to floor and howling fashion. 4yos (and this was actually explained in the book on child development they made us read in secondary) use big words, they have massive imaginations, they can struggle to separate fantasy from reality and they often want to impress. Often come across as boastful or goody-two-shoes. It's all developmental stages.

Kids can be little shits.

DD started nursery at 2. Always ran in with a smile, never a tear, rarely a hug goodbye.

Come pick up time, tears, tantrums, rolling on the floor. This lasted around a year. After a couple of months I started to feel like I had to explain myself "she's fine by the time we get in the car, she loves playing with her friends" etc.

So embarrassing!

My stock response to that over the years is to reply "well that's okay but I love you very much and that makes me a bit a sad" and then move on. It's okay to let them know that words can hurt but also that you you still love them.

I don't know if that's right or wrong but they are adults now and still seem to like me and love me.

It does hurt OP but honestly sometimes I think it's just something to say and even better that it wasn't in anger - he's just exploring reactions really.

I grew up with a large extended family who were all interested in children and liked to talk about the funny things that children said. I have anecdotes going back as far as the 1890s- and really children were no different then.

My grandmother (c 1900) had an imaginary friend who got the blame every time she'd misbehaved.

Here is my mother c. 1936:

Child-minding Auntie: When your mummy isn't here, you'll have to do as I tell you.
My mother: When my mummy isn't here, I'll do as I like.

My 4yo says this quite a lot. He's got no reason to, but i just tell him that's ok, i love him more than enough for both of us and give him a hug (whether he wants one or not ) . It didn't half sting the first few times though!

If it's any consolation, my nearly five year old says this to me all the time. It's not personal. It's about being contrary!

@Nanny2many

Do you know it’s okay to tell him that’s a hurtful thing to say? If you feel too fragile to say it perhaps your hubby could mention it to him

I think it’s a bit much. OP is upset about it fair enough but he is 4. What more do you want! Children don’t have full understanding at 4. OP told him herself already.

Children say all sorts..

I totally understand what you mean. I had pnd after my first two pregnancies and I seem to take things to heart which I know they don’t mean. For example the other day my 7 year olds spelling words included ‘mother’ and ‘father’ the sentence he came up with and wrote was ‘My father is nice but my mother is not’ I felt like bursting into tears and had to leave the room, looking back I know it’s because I was doing the home schooling and dad wasn’t! But at the time it really upset me. So I totally understand how you feel

Another here who who's 4yo had a habit of making her preference for her dad VERY explicit. If they were having a hug and I tried to join she used to snarl and try to bite me like some feral beast. DH had none of it though and she stopped eventually, although she did once say my private parts looked like beef when she barged in whilst in was in the bath.

They can be daft little things that experiment with words to illicit a response, I think you handled it really well. If it's any consolation, my DD and I are peas in a pod now and I often tease her about the times she would ask if there was another home I could go for, or if auntie is allowed to be her new mummy .

*Go to, she would quite kindly ask if I could go and live somewhere else, not even maliciously.

If had a nightmare who would he go to 1st for a cuddle? My dd claims to live dh more but always wants me when ill etc. He knows which buttons to press and he's doing it, plus probably doesn't fully understand feelings yet.

@Pathetic32 I ow it doesn’t help when you’re feeling shit, but the way you’ve articulated how you feel, and why makes it clear what a bloody good mum you are.

Totally agree with a PP that it shows how secure he is in your love and his relationship with you that he can just put it out there and not worry about the effect it will have on you.

It doesn’t make it easier, but just know that you’re doing a good job.

When my DD10 was 4, she’d say things like this- that she wanted me to go away, that she wanted to live with just Daddy, etc.

I’d quickly turn it into a jokey imagination game. I’d say ‘Oooo mummy would quite like a long holiday on my own. Where shall I go? How about the moon? How exciting, what should I pack to go to the moon, hey?’

Within a couple pf minutes we’d have resolved together that either she’d quite like to come with me, or that it might be better if I stayed around after all. I know that part of my reason for doing this with her was because otherwise I might have felt the sting for hours.

By turning it into a game I had a sweet memory rather than a pang. Not saying that it works those times that they are furious, but I still gave it a go. Then I’d drift off into a daydream where I actually did get a nice long break from being mummy!

They can read adults like a book, even at four, BUT....- I wonder where he learned to say those things, though?
Parroting your husband??

DH has never said anything of the sort. Please stop trying trying imply something that doesn't exist and isn't happening.

Objectively this is upset me but I do know rationally kids say bizarre shit. My friend's daughter who is the same age turned round the other day apropos of nothing and told her mum she was going to chop her into pieces and put her in a field

if he had a nightmare who would he go to 1st for a cuddle? My dd claims to live dh more but always wants me when ill etc

Same here, definitely always me

Kind of feels like you can't do anything right as a parent sometimes. I'm always thinking of future DS saying to his partner in later years oh god my mum always did X, Y, Z and so on, will never do that with my own kids

He might do, I said that too about mistakes my mum made. And I haven't made them, but I have made fresh mistakes all of my very own! We're human, we learn parenting as we go along with little training, it's very hard!

My DS (5) said to me that he liked me, but he liked his dad "MUCH better". We were playing in the garden at the time, he wasn't trying to spiteful or hurtful, but he didn't realise the qualifying side to his remark would be painful for me to hear. I mean, I knew it was true, and I understood why - DH is a more fun and humorous person and generally well liked - but it really really stung hearing DS say it.

I mentioned it to him recently and at 12, he understood instantly that I would have felt hurt by it, and he said "Oh. I'm sorry Mum." At the time I had to go and sit by myself (which he didn't notice particularly, he was five and is autistic) to recover my aplomb enough to start playing again.

They say these things, and as a PP said, they can do it because they feel so secure in you that they can try to push it, and see if you'll not stop loving them. Or just not realise how acutely painful it is, like my kid.

@Pathetic32

I definitely know I needed to go for the well I love you sort of comment but I just felt overwhelmed suddenly with hurt. I know it is ridiculous as I am a grown woman and he is a tiny child. I have major issues around rejection due to issues issues my own parents and I have always been hyper aware that I must not project that onto DS.yet here I am doing it. I think I am very self aware and know exactly why I feel how I do and yet I still can't stop myself feeling it ifswyim.

I find your insight into this really really impressive. You are clearly a great parent.

FWIW I had crippling PND as well, and understand the guilt and fear you are getting it wrong.

You will be fine op.

[quote oakleaffy]@Pathetic32
Little children can be very savvy and quite good at “ manipulating “ parents.

They can read adults like a book, even at four, BUT....- I wonder where he learned to say those things, though?
Parroting your husband??

“We have more fun without Mummy, don’t we, eh”?..

It is highly unlikely a 4 yr old would come out with this off their own bat.[/quote]
There are about 50 posts on here that say kids can and do come up with this stuff by themselves. Why do you want to make the OP feel worse by giving her an imaginary unpleasant husband?

It's easy to say he didn't mean it (and he didn't) but when my niece was 2 she told me she didn't like me and told me to go home and I went into the loo and cried! And that's not even my own child. So yes, I understand how it hurts.

I used to say all sorts of shit to my mum - I remember I once told her that I thought she was secretly a witch who was only pretending to love me. She was devastated. As an adult I can totally see why!