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Original poster

My nearly 5 year old told me he didn't love me and it has broken me

107 replies

Pathetic32 · 01/02/2021 19:37

And please don't pile on me because I know I am pathetic and I know he is only 4 and they all say stuff like that sometimes. Logically I know that. But it just broke me today. I try so hard. I work but my job is freelance and can be done in the evenings so during the day I am pretty much totally with ds (dh wfh but no flexibility really, standard office hours- he takes over at 5pm and does dinner and bath etc). I thought we were getting on quite well, he seems to enjoy homeschool such as it is, haven't really had any strops etc. I had PND when he was a baby and felt so guilty and him just casually spouting out that he loves daddy more than me and if I didn't live there he and daddy would have fun and wouldn't miss me. Just made me feel shit. I knew I was going to cry and didn't want him to see so I said something very generally like that isn't a kind thing to say DS and took myself off to the bathroom. Just feel shit.

OP posts:
LaTomatina · 01/02/2021 20:37

My 4 year old has had a huge phase like this with his father (who loves him dearly and always has). We joke that his first full sentence was "stop singing, Daddy!" And he spent most of last year shouting things like "get away from me! I don't love you! You're not my daddy!" We mostly treat it humourously, but it is very wearing for DH. Luckily it's improved a lot lately. I think it started as mischief but became a habit.

Coffeeandaride · 01/02/2021 20:38

I remember my brother saying "I hate you so much" to my Mum (around the same age and not particularly in conflict) but he kept ON saying it (not all day but quite regularly). Looking back my poor Mum, I wish I had intervened (but was a child) or said something nice to her.
Of course he didn't hate her and stopped in the end. I do agree with pp though to try and appear not phased (as you did).

They do have to "practice" out saying things and what reactions occur and figuring out other peoples emotions and their own. I would say that is what he is doing, I'm not sure about my brother though! How many times do you need to practice? I think he must have known my Mum felt it and got some kind of response (although I don't remember her saying anything in reply in particular).

LynnThese4reSEXPEOPLE · 01/02/2021 20:39

My older DS is 5. If he'd said that to me I would let him see I was upset. Teaching empathy is really important. We have a mood board with emotion emojis and I use it to help him understand other peoples' feelings (DS is neurotypical but it's still really useful).

It's ok if he see that his words have consequences. You are allowed to be upset. Flowers

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MoreMorelos · 01/02/2021 20:39

It gets easier to hear and depo down you know they don't mean it, still stings though, don't be hard on yourself

Trinpy · 01/02/2021 20:39

Urrrrmmm his 4! 4! I have two children, one who is quite advanced and has always been very mature....would a 4 year old really say something like that off their own back? Think of it all by themselves and string the sentences together? Sounds like he is repeating something he has heard from someone else!

My DS told me he didn't love me and wanted me to go away so he could be with daddy when he was 2. I'd just gone back to work and he was unsettled my the change in routine. It is a completely normal thing to say and both my kids have come out with similar statements over the years. Sometimes for no apparent reason. I've so far managed to stay breezy about it but all it takes is for the parent to be caught off guard or having an off day and it can really sting!

MoreMorelos · 01/02/2021 20:39

*deep

mumwon · 01/02/2021 20:40

tomorrow he will tell you he loves you the most in the world
Bless his heart (warning sexist comment!) he is a little male mouth in action before brain in gear Grin

CityDweller · 01/02/2021 20:43

DS (5) said stuff like this to me all of the time. He ha(s/d) a very strong preference for DH from about 18 months until really recently. He often said, with no malice at all, that he loved DH but not me, that DH was 'his' and I was his Dsis's. Etc. He was/is much more bonded with DH (SAHD) as they spent so much more time together. It was hard for me at times (and for DH as he was DS's everything). But it's becoming more even now. I think it's partly an age thing, DS starting school helped. But yeah, it does cut to the bone when they say stuff like that...

TokyoSashimi · 01/02/2021 20:43

My DS1 just today screamed he hated me and he wanted me to die.

On friday he wrote in a project about 'what makes you happy' that he likes creeping into my room in the morning and listening to me breathe before waking me up with a kiss.

TokyoSashimi · 01/02/2021 20:44

(Oh and he is 12) :)

IncludeWomenInTheSequel · 01/02/2021 20:44

It's four words, of course he can string a sentence together. Plenty four year olds are at school Confused

LizFlowers · 01/02/2021 20:47

Aw bless. He does love you, he's just fed up at the moment. Small kids say all sorts of things off the top of their heads and don't mean them.

If you disappeared for a while he would soon miss you! I'm not suggesting you do :-).

AnnaMagdalena · 01/02/2021 20:49

Oh OP. I remember being similarly hurt by things my children said when they were little (they can still say some pretty horrible things now, at times).

He is just a small child, and it means absolutely nothing. Agree with breezy responses. Don't give it more weight than it deserves by mentioning it, saying it's not a nice thing to say, etc, etc.

Anyone trying to look after young children during lockdowns has my utmost sympathy.

randomer · 01/02/2021 20:49

he is a little male mouth in action before brain in gear
Thats an appalling thing to say.

corythatwas · 01/02/2021 20:49

I have two children, one who is quite advanced and has always been very mature....would a 4 year old really say something like that off their own back? Think of it all by themselves and string the sentences together?

Ha, ha, my 2yo told me she wouldn't have to have me for a mummy when she was grown up because I'd be dead by then.

Dd is now 24, I'm still going strong- and I rather get the impression she is grateful for that.

This too shall pass.

And I equally remember the moment when, aged 4, she suddenly turned to me and said "you are the right mummy for me". I rather think I was...

TokyoSashimi · 01/02/2021 20:50

I remember when my DS aged about 4 told me 'I picked you at the Mummy shop'.

MrsKoala · 01/02/2021 20:54

When ds1 was 4 he was walking past me while I was sitting bfing dd on the sofa. He was perfectly happy. As he walked past, close to me I said to him ‘love you ds1’, he turned round and looked at me with such malevolence and quick as a flash jabbed me hard in the open eye with his finger. His nail really scratched me and it hurt so much. I was so shocked and upset I burst into tears. I still remember the look of pure hatred. I really wondered whether he was a psychopath with the things like this. Now he is 8 and the most empathetic, thoughtful, caring person. Emotionally mature beyond his years with the kindest most generous nature. But fuck me. 4 year olds are brutal.

It’s not silly to feel upset OP. Especially considering how much we love the little beasts. I just keep dishing out the love no matter what they do or say but I don’t hide my sadness when they are spiteful either. My 4yo dd says the most awful things she can and spits at me at the moment...

Frlrlrubert · 01/02/2021 20:54

DD is 4 and can be awful to DH. She tantrums if he picks her up from nursery. She shouts 'go away Daddy I just want mummy'. She often says she loves me the most.

She's worse if she's tired.

We tell her it is unkind, 'NO mummy YOU'RE unkind, you're being RUDE!' And hope she gets a bit more emotional maturity soon.

She occasionally decides she doesn't like me but never for very long.

I don't understand it really, he's more fun than me, we do roughly equal amounts of care, though she does still mostly come to me for comfort if I'm available (I don't know if that's linked to me breastfeeding her for nearly two years or not).

Confusedandshaken · 01/02/2021 20:59

Both mine said that occasionally when they were annoyed about something or other. . My heart broke each time but I just hugged them and said something like 'that's a shame, but it doesn't matter because I love you enough for both of us'.

It's important they know our love for them is unconditional and it doesn't stop when they say something unkind or unacceptable.

FirstladyKirkman · 01/02/2021 20:59

My DD6 often shouts "I am not your best friend anymore!" in a fit of tears and tantrums. My BFs DS5 often says "I only love Daddy, not you" it cuts her really deeply.

Sending you hugs Flowers

Unsure33 · 01/02/2021 21:00

My grandson told his mum this week he does not need or want a mummy or daddy at all , ever .

Honestly don’t worry about it .

BeautifulStar · 01/02/2021 21:01

Oh OP, I’ve been there. We were on holiday with my two boys (7 & 3 at the time) and we put some coins in a wishing well. Out of nowhere my 7 year old said ‘I wish I had another mummy’.

Wow, that’s brutal!

Bbub · 01/02/2021 21:02

I can't believe some posters are calling boys "little bastards" and other similar disgusting comments.

They aren't little bastards, it's normal behaviour for a child to clash with their parents.

I know it can be hurtful and theres nothing wrong with feeling sensitive to it, but I don't think we should be making such a big deal of it by showing the upset and telling them off for it.

My 7 year old wrote me a note the other day to say that he hates me and I'm "disgussting"Grin but we have such a close loving relationship normally I wasnt bothered, I secretly found it funny, and Im actually glad he felt comfortable letting me know he was cross with me.

We can hope that they grow to choose more appropriate language but it's a healthy part of our children's development IMO.

Iamuhtredsonofuhtred · 01/02/2021 21:02

Mine tells me he hates me, he wants to turn into a giant and stomp on me, I’m boring and dad is more fun (dad doesn’t live with us). I tell him that’s not nice and it hurts my feelings. 10 minutes later he’s brown nosing up to me and telling me I’m the best mummy in the world! I let it all wash over me but sometimes it does feel like being in an abusive relationship

Hyppogriff · 01/02/2021 21:03

Ow I was hoping that by the time they are 4 they are sweetness and light after the 2 year old stage (we are in now!). My little 2 year old boy can be the sweetest little thing but he has a preference for my DH especially during my recent pregnancy for DD (4 months) and there have been times when I thought my heart was going to break!!! But I am aware somewhere that it doesn’t really mean anything, but it is still hard! He told a man in the village the other day we met on a walk when he said ‘and does your mummy look after you?’ ‘No. She looks after my sister. My daddy looks after me!’ And I almost melted!