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Original poster

My nearly 5 year old told me he didn't love me and it has broken me

107 replies

Pathetic32 · 01/02/2021 19:37

And please don't pile on me because I know I am pathetic and I know he is only 4 and they all say stuff like that sometimes. Logically I know that. But it just broke me today. I try so hard. I work but my job is freelance and can be done in the evenings so during the day I am pretty much totally with ds (dh wfh but no flexibility really, standard office hours- he takes over at 5pm and does dinner and bath etc). I thought we were getting on quite well, he seems to enjoy homeschool such as it is, haven't really had any strops etc. I had PND when he was a baby and felt so guilty and him just casually spouting out that he loves daddy more than me and if I didn't live there he and daddy would have fun and wouldn't miss me. Just made me feel shit. I knew I was going to cry and didn't want him to see so I said something very generally like that isn't a kind thing to say DS and took myself off to the bathroom. Just feel shit.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pathetic32 · 01/02/2021 20:03

Sorry my typing has gone to shit! I promise I actually am quite articulate!

OP posts:
Emeraldshamrock · 01/02/2021 20:04

we were playing trains perfectly happily and then he just came out with it as a random throwaway comment!
It was a throw away comment in his mind.
I agree saying "well that is a pity I love you so much"

littlejalapeno · 01/02/2021 20:06

It’s ok to let him know that that is a hurtful thing to say and show that you are upset. Not to try to get back at him or make him upset, definitely not that, but to show him the power of words and help him learn emotional intelligence and cause and effect. You are a great mum (yes Internet stranger I can tell that by your tone and by how much you care and are upset by this) it’s not personal and he really has no concept of what it would mean to not have you around. My kid says “I love you... naaaahhh!” And refuses to kiss me sometimes. It’s part of their personal boundary development and learning they are separate from you and are safe to reject you- even at that age they are still quite little in that respect. He’s going to test those boundaries... also I’m pretty sure I read something about how little boys are obsessed with their mums til they are three then are obsessed with their dad for the next few years then it swings back... don’t take it personally, we’re all grinding at the moment, worn out and sensitive. Just keep showing you love him and be kind to yourself too

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Whitecup4 · 01/02/2021 20:08

Urrrrmmm his 4! 4! I have two children, one who is quite advanced and has always been very mature....would a 4 year old really say something like that off their own back? Think of it all by themselves and string the sentences together? Sounds like he is repeating something he has heard from someone else!

Original poster
Pathetic32 · 01/02/2021 20:09

Because he has no siblings I also feel like there is so much pressure on me to get it completely right, you always hear about only children feeling really pressurised by their parents and so on. & will he be angry with me for sticking with one? I sort of had to because I couldn't risk PND again.

Kind of feels like you can't do anything right as a parent sometimes. I'm always thinking of future DS saying to his partner in later years oh god my mum always did X, Y, Z and so on, will never do that with my own kids

OP posts:
Original poster
Pathetic32 · 01/02/2021 20:10

I have two children, one who is quite advanced and has always been very mature....would a 4 year old really say something like that off their own back? Think of it all by themselves and string the sentences together?

Oh god yes, sorry but he would, you should hear the stuff he comes out with sometimes! He's an only child in a massive extended family where there are no other children at all so he's sort of really adult in his attitudes

Plus I can't imagine who he'd have heard it from as it's only been the 3 of us for god knows how long!!!

OP posts:
Octopuscrazy · 01/02/2021 20:11

My 4 year old said she loves the snow more than me.
Don't worry it doesn't matter really.
I used to tell my mum I didn't love her, so when I told her she laughed and said it was karma. I love my mum really and he will learn to appreciate you and be kind in the future as long as you can show him your love is unconditional.
Big hugs to you x

littlejalapeno · 01/02/2021 20:15

@Whitecup4 I had to reply to you as i don’t think we should be steering the op to paranoia right now. of course they would, it’s part of normal development at this age; using imagination; hypothesising; feeling secure in their boundaries; being defiant etc etc. How old are your children? I bet they’ve done something along these lines at some point but it didn’t effect you at the time enough to remember it now. Doesn’t mean there’s anything nefarious going on!

MessAllOver · 01/02/2021 20:15

My 3 yo screamed and tantrumed all the way home from nursery today because he wanted to go home with his friend and his friend's mummy.

I cuddled him while trying to lug 16 kg of toddler all the way home. At the start of the walk, I was hugging him calmly and saying "I'm sorry you're so upset". By the end of it, I may have been muttered "I wish they had taken you home" under my breath a few times.

Of course, he hasn't quite discovered the power of words to hurt, which it sounds like your DS has. Though if you don't make a big deal of it, he'll probably wake up tomorrow and forget he ever said it.

Boysarebackintown · 01/02/2021 20:16

@Whitecup4

Urrrrmmm his 4! 4! I have two children, one who is quite advanced and has always been very mature....would a 4 year old really say something like that off their own back? Think of it all by themselves and string the sentences together? Sounds like he is repeating something he has heard from someone else!
@Whitecup4 Yes they can and do......all the time.

OP - it’s tough for everyone at the moment and I get why you are upset, everyone emotions are high? He didn’t mean it one bit kids can and do say some horrid things sometimes, and don’t mean a word!

noirchatsdeux · 01/02/2021 20:17

I remember my mother saying the my little brother turned into a nightmare literally on his 4th birthday...day before, sweetness itself, day after, absolutely awful. To the point of insulting random strangers in lifts...my mother says he only really stopped when he started school (we were in Australia so he was nearly 6 when he did).

My mother has always had the annoying habit of attributing adult thought patterns and reasoning on things we said as kids..before we were even 10 years old. She took any perceived 'insult' as personally as if a 40 year old had made it. I look back at things I said - just thoughtless random comments made from ignorance or silliness - that she still throws in my face now and just think 'I was a CHILD!'

I'd take some comfort that he feels so secure with you he feels he can say the random (silly) things that pop in his mind.

bigbird1969 · 01/02/2021 20:18

totally get it...my 5 yr old told me i was the worst mother ever....my much older DD told me she wished i was dying of cancer rather than her dad. I have grown a very thick skin...

Tal45 · 01/02/2021 20:18

I agree with a pp that it's actually a good thing and shows how safe and loved by you he feels that he has absolute faith that you would never leave no matter what he says. My son has told me he hates me, doesn't love and has also told me that if I died he'd kill himself - which was actually far, far worse to hear (he's autistic and very emotional).

Changemaname1 · 01/02/2021 20:19

Oh op it does hurt a bit huh honestly try not to take it to heart

I go from being the best mum in the world to the meanest mum in the world apparently at the drop of a hat . Meh

littlejalapeno · 01/02/2021 20:23

@Pathetic32

Because he has no siblings I also feel like there is so much pressure on me to get it completely right, you always hear about only children feeling really pressurised by their parents and so on. & will he be angry with me for sticking with one? I sort of had to because I couldn't risk PND again.

Kind of feels like you can't do anything right as a parent sometimes. I'm always thinking of future DS saying to his partner in later years oh god my mum always did X, Y, Z and so on, will never do that with my own kids

You won’t ever get it perfect, no one will. Putting that pressure on yourself will stop you enjoying your time together and make it harder. What’s the saying... just messed up enough by your parents to have a sense of humour. Well if it’s not a saying it should be. You also can’t control what his future self will think of you, just lay the foundations of him feeling loved and supported and like he can talk to you. It sounds like you’re doing just that.

I had bad pnd too, I’m worried about getting it again but part of me also thinks in someways the second time will be easier as I know what to expect and have learnt how to ask for help and share when I feel overwhelmed. I’m not saying you should though, just that you sound like youve put a lot of pressure on yourself and need to hear there’s no such thing as perfect!

0blio · 01/02/2021 20:23

@Wearywithteens

The thing is, the more power you give to that sort of expression ‘telling him how hurtful it is’ etc. The more it’s likely to happen as they know it’s an emotional button they can press. The best thing always is to be bright and breezily oblivious and say ‘well I love you and I always will’. And just move on. Try not to take it so seriously.
Very, very wise words.
Honeypickle · 01/02/2021 20:24

My youngest turned 4 a few weeks ago and in the same breath can tell me “I don’t love you Mummy” and “You’re the best Mummy in the whole world!”
My 10 yr old has NEVER said I hate you while my 8 year old says it every other day.
I try not to take it too personally!

SimonJT · 01/02/2021 20:26

They do it, it’s not nice, but they don’t actually comprehend what they’re saying.

My son is five and sometimes says similar, I was ill last week so my partner essentially looked after my son alone for two days. My son kindly informed me that he thinks my partner loves him more than I do. He also asks my friend who sometimes babysits to be his new daddy. His new favourite game is locking Daddy in prison, prison is the utility room. Can’t wait for the teenage years...

BeautifulStar · 01/02/2021 20:26

I remember having my second ds when ds1 was four and him having a meltdown over absolutely nothing and screaming “you don’t love me! It’s all about THAT BABY now!”
It did upset me a bit but I found the humour in it too - he was just feeling a bit displaced as his little world had been turned upside down (he especially didn’t like me breastfeeding his brother!) I tried to just give him extra hugs and attention.
They say stuff at that age - they don’t mean it, it’s all about the moment and they just say what pops into their head. They can be very manipulative even at that age!

EuropeanRoller · 01/02/2021 20:29

At times like this I would sometimes leave the room, close the door and then do v signs at them out of sight.
Felt better.

PPs are right, you will never do everything perfectly. Do your best in whatever circumstances you are in (these are particularly trying ones at the moment) and that's good enough. You must be doing something right if he's secure enough to be so casual about your relationship. I would never have dared say anything like that to my DM, even at that age, for fear of getting a slap. We are not close.

LostFrog · 01/02/2021 20:33

At my MIL’s funeral a few years ago a family friend spent ages playing with my then 6yo son. When I put him to bed later on he said “I wish she was my mummy instead of you”. It absolutely floored me.
OP, he didn’t mean it and he won’t even remember saying it.

HotCupOfNo · 01/02/2021 20:33

There's something about 4 year olds - they're absolutely dicks. I actually found it the hardest age and I'm dreading it with my daughter.

Pookythebear · 01/02/2021 20:33

Oh OP, I’ve been there. We were on holiday with my two boys (7 & 3 at the time) and we put some coins in a wishing well. Out of nowhere my 7 year old said ‘I wish I had another mummy’. It was awful! My husband told him off straight away but I couldn’t stop my eyes welling up (thankfully had big sunglasses on 😂) but had nowhere to hide - the tears just kept coming and going! Needless to say it’s long forgotten by him and just the other day he announce in his PHSE class that I was his ‘most special thing’. They’re complicated wee beasts, op!

HotCupOfNo · 01/02/2021 20:34

Also agree with PP that starting school is a game changer

justanotherneighinparadise · 01/02/2021 20:36

I can clearly remember my four year old telling me he hated me. I think it was around a year ago. He’d copied from his older sibling so it didn’t hurt too much, but obviously once they say it once they tend to start saying it often.

Very fortunately for me I have zero guilt attached to their childhood so far. I’ve been a SAHM and have pretty much given up my life for them. So nothing they can say can hurt me as I know I couldn’t have done anymore and couldn’t have been anymore present.

HOWEVER if I had felt one iota of guilt attached to work or PND etc I could imagine that sort of comment would have been a stab wound to the heart. I completely understand. But this is something you are dragging behind you, it’s not your child really communicating that to you. They just don’t have the capacity to decide who they love or hate. It’s almost impersonal from the child’s POV.