I wish I had a better mother

[Yandle]

I am so fed up of having an emotionally barren mother. My whole life she has provided zero support and seems unable to function like a parent should. My friends mums listen, provide emotional and practical support, offer advice and are just generally there for their children.

I’m really struggling at the moment & like lots of us finding it stressful trying to home school (with no support from my dc school) and work. My mum rang me this morning, proceeded to talk about her relationship issues with my dad (!) how she wants to leave him, is sick of him blah blah. She does this all the time & has been threatening to leave him since I was 12. It’s embarrassing & uncomfortable to hear her talking like this.

I tried to tell how how worried I am about my children (her grandchildren) & while she makes sympathetic noises is completely useless in that she doesn’t ask how I am, what can she do to help, offer any form of support at all. I feel like my work colleagues offer more support than my own mother.

Every conversation makes me feel sad. I just want a mum who cares & isn’t wholly interested in herself. She is interested in my brother & she seems to offer him emotional & practical support. So she can do some parenting.

I’ve gone very low contact with her because every interaction makes me feel crap. It’s ok if (before lockdown) we meet up for a coffee & talk about what’s on tv ie nothing serious but if I mention any problems or issues she just doesn’t want to know. She can only do a superficial relationship.

What should I do? Does anyone have a similar set up with their mother? The only good thing to come out of this is I make sure I’m the best mother I can be with my own children & try to always be there for them.

Agree hazelbite but sadly not every parent has those feelings or skills. My mum had me very young and needed more ‘parenting’ herself. Some people just don’t know how to (or want to) give to others as need so much themselves.

@NovemberR I would have loved your mother as mine.

Conversely mine threw her entire life into me but only as long as I was what she wanted. She has no interest in who I am and what matters to me yet I am certain she tells everyone we have a wonderful relationship.

We don’t. She’ll she’s got a remarkable way of making everything about her. She’s now firmly at arms length. I don’t remember anyone she’s not criticised and my dad (who is admittedly an arrogant arsehole) more than most.

I have no emotional support as everything is my fault and “upsets” her, anything that I tell her is another stick to best me with so I tell her nothing. I’d have loved a mother who saw the resilience in me rather than one critically hovering in the hope I fall apart so she can fan herself and bask in the attention of how upset she is.

No advice but you are not alone my dm never forgave me for not staying a baby/lil child. Relationship since teenage years been very odd and its now only looking back 20 odd years later I realise how odd it was and detached. She makes comments about what a wonderful Mum I am and I do wonder if she feels guilty we don't have the Relationship I have with my grown up dc.

@RJnomore1 Oh golly, that sounds hard!

Yep, my mother is fine - we get on ok. To be fair to her she doesn't demand any emotional support from me either. When Covid first hit I phoned her and Dad to ask if they were anxious and her answer was Not in the slightest. We assume we'll probably catch it and we'll probably survive which is very 'Blitz' spirit of them. (They are closer to 90 than 80). They have pretty much shielded and had shopping delivered as they are pragmatic and not particularly sociable anyway.

I did wistfully look at friends whose mothers are their 'best friends' and who went on days out together, but there is no point in wanting anyone to be someone else. My DM brought us up to be independent and resilient and I have been grateful for that over the years - even if I'd have liked a bit of pampering occasionally.

@Yandle

Yeah once she tried to talk to me about her sex life with my dad I really don’t want to hear it!

I empathise with the awfulness of this. I recall my mum doing the same, years ago. I represents a complete lack of appropriate boundaries.

Have a sort of similar thing here... but she had a really fancy upbringing, everything given to her, parents spent any money they had, had too many kids... mum doesn’t have a clue. She’s oblivious to how bad our childhood was (proper horrid poverty and neglect), how abusive our dad was, how they had too many of us. Now we’re grown up and she’s properly baffled by practical stuff like paying rent, and it’s like some huge thing that you can’t mention how reckless they were as parents. And she needs care now, which is expensive and means I probably won’t have kids to pay for that. She basically grew up in some la di da fancy family and we now live like bloody beggars, and she’s in denial. It’s hard having to lie to maintain the pretence of normality, you have to be really sensitive to it. She doesn’t take much interest in us at all. I’m amazed when people say they’re close to their parents - like wow when a mum takes THEM out for lunch! That just beggars belief, and acting like friends. Suppose it gives us all something to aim for

On and we’ve all done ok professionally but she thinks it’s a shame we haven’t done better. I mean we went to the worst school and had no family encouragement/ support so...

My DM is very much the same. She’s never really been able to connect with on an emotional level and from a very young age I remember realising that my relationship with her was different to the relationship all my peers had with their mums. They all had the classic ‘best friend who I can tell anything’ thing, and I just didn’t have that. I felt, and still feel there is a wall between us in that respect.

For example she has never once asked me how I amor how my day was. She doesn’t want to hear my problems or worries. I learned a long time ago not to expect my mind of emotional support. She’s far too self absorbed.

My Mum is like this too but is completely open about favouring my sister and now her children over me and my children.

I struggle and struggle and constantly hear about how hard my sister's life is and why she needs all my Mum's affection and support. My Mum is always there helping and constantly talking about my sister's life and the kids. She has literally no idea about is going on in my life.

I have three kids and I just can't imagine treating them differently or in fact treating anyone the way my Mum treats me.

It's shit

I hear you. A friend posted a photo on FB of her as a child of about 9, holding hands with her mother. It made me sad, as my mother never held my hand or hugged me

I think all you can do is try to accept her for what she is, and let go of that secret hope that she will change

I’m a daughter of an emotionally barren mother. I just accept that’s how it is and expect nothing whatsoever. I’ve been through phases in no contact, resentment, anger but it didn’t get me anywhere. I’ve spent time thinking why she’s like that I reckon she had a very tough childhood (she never talks about her childhood at all but I’ve got some pieces together). She has been unwell recently and I sorted out her appointments, went up to see her, did her shopping etc - her favourite kids did bugger all. She actually thanked me and said she appreciated what I did, which was a first. But, I’ve missed out a whole life’s worth of experiences and love by not having a present mother. I think it’s made me an aloof and distant person towards others but I make sure I show my beautiful boy lots of affection and attention. We have a great bond and I see him flourishing into a wonderful person (not all down to me but I know he feels rooted). I feel your pain OP. Do the best you can for your kids and accept your situation with your mum as you can’t change her.

I also have a mum who is same like yours she’s to much she don’t even understand she always look after my older brother to much and don’t even care for me or love me She always screams at me and shouting but talk about my older brother when he do something wrong she won’t say nothing all she do is screaming at me I feel like moving out and I’m 28 years old.

I sympathise. My mother isn’t exactly emotionally barren, but she is emotionally extremely immature. Highly reactive and prone to drama and histrionics, but incapable of empathy. She literally cannot imagine that anyone ever thinks or feels differently from her, and if she is told that is just uncomprehending. She also cannot relate to anyone adult to adult- she can only do parent- child, whether she takes the adult or child role. And she is getting significantly worse as she gets older. My relationship with her is basically me managing her: telling her just enough to keep her happy, not enough that she can go off and gossip. It’s extremely wearing, and I do often wish I had a “proper mum”.

I do also know, though, that not a single female friend of mine has a straightforward relationship with her mother. The only one who is always positive about her mum, and never conflicted, lost her 20 years ago. And I remember (although of course never say) that it was very much not that way when she was alive, and my friend did not have the mum she needed either.

I do sometimes worry my kids might feel like you… I’ve worked very hard not to make their lives about managing my emotions and I wonder if it comes over as a bit cold. I’ve always been first in to battle for them and always will be but I am quite contained as a person. Possibly as a result of my emotions always being second place, inconvenient.

I love them to bits though. And I do tell them.

I'm sorry to say this but your mother sounds exactly like mine, and my therapists has confirmed she exhibits many traits of a narcissistic (unloving mother).

have y'all ever had a mom where she loves you and then she doesn't? like as a baby growing up I used to be loved and now im getting into this stage where now I've had more siblings, and I'm in the teen and preteen stage where I feel like every age the more I get older the less I become a existent. Like today my ma was yelling at me for making a yt acc. a predator will sneak in my window and break the window and come take me like????????????/ :/ I'm to old for da like its not always about stealing or kidnapping.

like when my ma yells at me she always cusses at me I ain't even 14, or 13, yet like dude why u gotta cuss at a kid and a toddler and yo baby!!!!!!!!!!! like yall I'm serious, my ma always be causing fights like today I said I got 5k views in total on my yt acc, and she said oh well I got 10k views and my ma wishes she could spank my baby brother like he's a baby............................................... I feel like my ma is rally toxic to me and always harsh and yh