I wish I had a better mother

[Yandle]

I am so fed up of having an emotionally barren mother. My whole life she has provided zero support and seems unable to function like a parent should. My friends mums listen, provide emotional and practical support, offer advice and are just generally there for their children.

I’m really struggling at the moment & like lots of us finding it stressful trying to home school (with no support from my dc school) and work. My mum rang me this morning, proceeded to talk about her relationship issues with my dad (!) how she wants to leave him, is sick of him blah blah. She does this all the time & has been threatening to leave him since I was 12. It’s embarrassing & uncomfortable to hear her talking like this.

I tried to tell how how worried I am about my children (her grandchildren) & while she makes sympathetic noises is completely useless in that she doesn’t ask how I am, what can she do to help, offer any form of support at all. I feel like my work colleagues offer more support than my own mother.

Every conversation makes me feel sad. I just want a mum who cares & isn’t wholly interested in herself. She is interested in my brother & she seems to offer him emotional & practical support. So she can do some parenting.

I’ve gone very low contact with her because every interaction makes me feel crap. It’s ok if (before lockdown) we meet up for a coffee & talk about what’s on tv ie nothing serious but if I mention any problems or issues she just doesn’t want to know. She can only do a superficial relationship.

What should I do? Does anyone have a similar set up with their mother? The only good thing to come out of this is I make sure I’m the best mother I can be with my own children & try to always be there for them.

I have a mother who sounds very much like yours. I have actually given up telling her anything about my life. Good and bad. She never had any involvement with my children when they were little in a grandmother kind of way.
She is elderly now and too late to build any bridges unfortunately. We have a very polite relationship where I ring to see if she is okay and that's about it.

It has left me emotionally scarred though and like you has made me determined to love my kids unconditionally and be there for them good or bad.

OP I hear you. My mum is just the same and I am now estranged, haven't spoken to her for nearly five years. Mine goes beyond being emotionally disengaged as she's also not a very nice person and I realised that my life would be far, far better without her in it, and it is.

I think the way forward is to just accept that that is how she is and just deal with what the relationship is now. The important thing is to accept that this is not going to change, no matter how much you want it to.

I hung on to an emotionally abusive relationship because I was desperate for a mum, but I might as well have hung onto an electric fence. Eventually I stopped fooling myself that it was going to change.

I'm a mum of adult children. Neither have families of their own yet. I'm supportive and I give practical help if asked, but I feel my 'parenting' days are over and my children should mainly rely on their partners and friends rather than come to me and expect me to solve all their problems. Maybe the dynamic will change once grandchildren appear, but for now I've taken a step back and am very much getting on with my own life.

Do you get more out of your dad?

lagney I had no support even as a very young child. You say yourself that you are supportive to your adult children. My mum offers zero support. It’s not that she feels her parenting days are over, she’s never been a parent! I am incredibly self sufficient and independent as a result- I’ve had to be.

I can’t imagine not being there for my own children. What sort of parent only wants a superficial relationship with their children, whatever their age?

I do get more out of my dad yes, and more importantly he doesn’t talk to me about his relationship issues with my mother!

@Yandle

lagney I had no support even as a very young child. You say yourself that you are supportive to your adult children. My mum offers zero support. It’s not that she feels her parenting days are over, she’s never been a parent! I am incredibly self sufficient and independent as a result- I’ve had to be.

I can’t imagine not being there for my own children. What sort of parent only wants a superficial relationship with their children, whatever their age?

That's true. I was very attentive when they were small. It sounds like your mum wasn't/couldn't give that to you and it's still hurting you now, probably more than ever as you've got your own children and the difference between how you care for them and how your mum cared for you has become even more apparent.

She sounds deeply unhappy tbh. Her relationship with your dad has been bad for a long time but for whatever reason she has stuck around and it's made her bitter. Bitter people find it hard to be emotionally available to others.

However in general, parents of adult children should be as supportive as possible of course, but they shouldn't have to drop everything to rush to help, meanwhile pretending they have no problems of their own.

Concentrate more on your relationship with your dad and leave your mum to it. If she calls and makes you feel like rubbish cut her off and say 'Is dad there?'

There must be some women who reach the age of 60-70 years old and regret never having children. I wish there was a way one of those women could adopt me. Yes, I am 33 years old but I still make a lovely daughter

My mum was the same. She died when I was 12 and I've never shed a tear. Horrid woman. I dread to think how I would have turned out if she'd lived.

I've gone too far the other way with my own kids though to the point where I've neglected my self and my own well-being for the last 18 years to give them every thing I've got in me. Still, they are happy.

toolazy what a great idea!! I’d love to be adopted too!

I too had no support. From her or my dad. I was only told I wasn't good enough. No love shown, I was mocked when I showed any kind of emotion. It did so much damage. My kids are showered in love as a result.

fuckadoodle I’ve done similar - I’ve given up my career, not applied for promotion etc as it meant I wouldn’t be there for my children. I’ve always put them first.

My mum is incapable of emotionally supporting me. Now I've realised this, I keep her at arms length.

I have also made a concerted effort to parent my children differently.

Therapy has been very helpful. I'd recommend it.

Hi hun my mum has no maternal side to her at all. I grew up with my dad and have been told she didn't even want me when she had me at 18. I did move in with her in my last year of senior school and moved out again when I was 17 due to her lack of emotion or care when it came to me. She gives my younger brother the time but usually when she wants something and she has even called the police on him when he went to retrieve his own stuff! My brother thinks she's a waste of time and space and I agree but deep down I just wished she'd give me the time of day. I have 4 boys and she has seen the older 3 once in all of their years (they are 21, 18, 9 and 5 yrs). She doesn't even know about the youngest. She doesn't know my brother and his gf suffered a baby loss nor the fact they have another child since and another on the way. She is a very selfish and self centred person who shouldn't have had kids (there are 4 of us). I was given to my dad, one of my sisters went to foster care, the other was adopted from birth and my brother was only allowed to be kept because my mum was married to the father at the time. We have no bond with each other at all which does sadden me when I see other women with a close bond with their mums but you don't miss what you never had I always say.

I would also recommend therapy. Obviously the hurt is still there but I have been able to deal with it better.

Definitely therapy. And could I just say, that when my emotionally abusive mother (whom I loved) died in 2014, it was a relief. Therapy does help. So does death.

Your children - yes, be there for them. But live for yourself first.

This struck a chord. My Dad raised me (and my siblings). My mum lived a 5 minute walk away so we would drop round to see her on the way home from school sometimes. She made it very clear that this was inconvenient.

She has only wanted a relationship when she is single, and has no interest in my children, well aside from the eldest who she likes to boast about his career (mainly as a conversation starter with men) but has no relationship with.

I have periods of trying to forge a friendship with her and periods of staying away from her. She called me on Christmas day, which she spent alone despite having 4 children, told me about her gifts and then said bye

I've accepted who she is now but I have to admit to feeling sad when others talk about how close and loving their mum is. I havent seen her for months and I don't miss her.

I hope you find a way to make peace with it OP and for everyone in the same or similar situation!

I know what you mean OP and PP. However, if you try to explain it to other people they do not understand and either minimise what she has done or make out that you are the one who is being unreasonable.

My DM obsesses over other people’s children and they think she’s wonderful, yet she is vile to her own grandson (my nephew) as she doesn’t like the way his mother (my SIL) is bringing him up. SIL is doing a fine job FWIW, but DM does not have one good word to say about him.

Wow, I felt like I was reading my own little story.
I'm sorry you are experiencing this too, OP. I can offer no advice, as I am trying to figure this one out for myself - but please accept a big virtual hug and hand-hold 💕 Following this thread as hoping to learn some things for myself. Thank you for sharing your story and I'm sorry that it is like this xx

yandle it is disappointing isn't it?
It sounds like you would like someone to listen and support you and your Mum cannot/will not do this.

I would recommend therapy, if you can afford it, it will not change her, but it may help you view it differently.

I empathise, my Mum is the same and I found having my children just highlighted her 'deficiencies' ☹️

Its just luck (or bad luck). Find your support among your friends and partner. Or here!

Lower your expectations right down and you might move to a place where you get on ok.

I don’t like parents using their kids as a sounding board for marital issues. It’s very selfish. She should be taking to her own peers, a counsellor or him of course.

I guess I’ve had to accept she’s emotionally barren and only wants a superficial relationship with me. But sometimes like today when I’m having a bad day I really really just want a mum. She does this thing where I’ll say something like “I’m really struggling with home schooling” and she’ll automatically change the subject to something lighter. I must admit sometimes I say stuff hoping for a reaction but all I get is silence or a swift change of topic.

It’s ironic because she tells me all the time how she gets told what a lovely person she is and how nice she is. The problem is she is nice and I’m sure she loves me but as a mother she’s completely rubbish.

Yeah once she tried to talk to me about her sex life with my dad I really don’t want to hear it!

This thread is so sad.
I never really wanted DC's and DS1 came as a complete surprise and I went on to have 3 more sons. They are my best achievement, not because they are particularly beautiful or talented but because they are basically decent nice and honest adults. 3 of them have the most wonderful partners who I also love dearly.
Sadly 2 of my DIL's are unable to have DC's and I am sad for them and what they will miss out on.
Having DC's is a privilege and even when they are adults and are no longer in your care you don't stop looking out for them because they are adults but because you don't stop loving them when they are grown

I think the main problem is in expecting someone to be something other than what they are. My own mother sounds like yours in many ways. She has never provided emotional support - her way of parenting was to briskly tell us Chin up! People don't like moaners. I assume that is the way she was brought up. (She was a child in the 1930s) She is a hard worker and very practical but has spent my entire life telling me You'll cope. Keep going! Bright and breezy. She had a good career and was a good mother in that she brought in money, cooked, cleaned and made sure we were clean, tidy, had the clothes we needed and were working hard at school.

I'd have liked a mother who stayed at home, waited on me hand and foot (like some friends' mums) and was gentle and kind. Instead I got one that was brisk and capable and who did love us all but was not a soft and cuddly mother. As an adult I was envious of friends whose mothers offered childcare, did their ironing, and went shopping and for coffee with them.

But that is perhaps unfair. My mother is not a 'domestic' type - and realistically why should she 'mother' me and do all the boring shit I don't want to for my kids so that I can have an easier life. No one did that for her. She had a professional career and would be exceedingly bored by shopping or going for coffee. She still likes to do the Guardian cryptic crossword and plays international bridge. Her hobbies are not my hobbies.

When my children were small she was still working - and has always found very young children fairly boring, I suspect.

I think you just have to accept people for who they are and what they can offer you. Wanting someone to fit a role they don't want or to be a different person from who they are is unfair. Yes, it's a bit rubbish if it's your mum - but I don't want to spend my life (as a pp said) pandering to my now adult children. I was there when they were little, but I don't now have the desire or energy to offer lots of emotional support to anyone. It's tiring.

I think you have to accept that people won't necessarily fulfill the role for you that you'd like them to do.

I would recommend looking at Jungian Psychology. It takes a deep analytical look at life and it specifically looks at the relationship with Mother.

This is a great podcast (once you get used to their voices) and this is one specifically on the negative mother complex

thisjungianlife.com/episode-75-negative-mother-complex-when-our-painful-childhood-owns-us/