Do you know anyone who did the "I'm just going to the shop to buy a paper" thing and who then disappeared forever?

[AliceAir]

Another thread on here reminded me of a girl I was in school with years ago. Her mother apparently popped to the shop to but some potatoes and never came home, and was never heard of again.

I'm not meaning people who have met with foul play but people who have decided to disappear and then done so.

Thanks!

I wonder if many people see it like a virtual suicide. Lots of suicidal people want the situation to end not necessarily their life but can't see an alternative. Disappearing is a way of affecting a "suicide" in one life and then being able to try again/ carry on / come back. Not suggesting that it's that easy but just that it's an overwhelming urge to end this life without ending actual life

It’s too superficial an analysis to moan it’s selfish. It’s complicated
Factors are
Stress
Mental health
Feeling overwhelmed
Having another partner or life to go to
Impulsive act,spur of moment
Pre planned and executed a disappearance

I realised I semi-disappeared: married to someone violent. Had a short time frame to escape.

Changed me name, did property dealings in the 2 separate names so no paper trail. Moved to a place I knew no one that was incredibly unlikely.

Didn't keep in touch with old friends.

It worked, although it was much harder work than just walking into a shop.

Did you have no decent friends or family @friendlyflicka?

2 people actually.

A family member went to work one day and never came back. Was missing for years. Eventually made contact from France and was behaving very erratically. Turned out he had a brain tumour and died shortly afterwards.

A local man disappeared one day. He was a campaigner for a prominent local cause and was not doing well mentally from the stress I think. He was tracked to the coast but I don't think they ever found out what happened to him.

Some of my family knew the situation. No friends who could help me. It was actually the only solution I could come up with and I was incredibly grateful to be given the opportunity.

When I moved, I was very nervous for months. I kept seeing him everywhere...but it was my imagination. I have never seen or heard of him since. I think he is quite likely dead. But I am still very careful with anything public that allows tracking.

After I moved I just walked endlessly and processed preceding events. I probably did have PTSD, but that was the way I coped with it.

@SchadenfreudePersonified she wasn't a very nice person, but I only knew her a long time after all this. She treated her children dreadfully, I could probably fill up every page of this thread with awful stories about it all. The thing I have always wondered is why she was like she was, was it because of the things like her husband leaving in that way and her giving up her child (apparently she had intended it to be a short term foster but she could never get the baby back, obviously this was 70 years ago now) or did he leave because of how she was. I dont know much of what her life was like as a child. I do know she put her kids through some horrific stuff though. He was an alcoholic and she ended up leaving him for his best friend about 5 years later.

@SleepingStandingUp. Did you have no decent friends or family

Keeping in touch with anyone from your old life can be a way for ex partners to find you. They can be quite persistent to say the least. Also if you stay in the area there’s also a chance of meeting unintentionally.

Sometimes you need a complete clean break

@friendlyflicka how did you manage to find a new property with your new names? Presumably you had no credit history on your new one? Nowadays everything is so linked electronically it must be hard to change identity.

I think a lot of men disappeared after WW2. They were posted away from their families and went on to make new relationships and have new families.

I know two separate friends who this happened to and their childhoods were very difficult as women couldn’t earn much in those days and there was little in the way of social benefits so they were very disadvantaged from lack of money. Strangely both fathers returned to first family when their second partners died and they brought the children of second family with them. First wives welcomed them all with open arms. Very forgiving. Neither friend seemed resentful.

@bluebluezoo @friendlyflicka yes sorry I didn't mean that to sounds quite how it might have. I guess I just can't comprehend disappearing and leaving close friends or family scared of what had happened to me, esp if they might have sensed the relationship was abusive, a lifetime of wondering if the ex had done it etc.

My mother's cousin's son vanished for 20 something years. He left behind a young child and his wife. Eventually they had him declared legally dead and the wife moved on and remarried. He turned up in the middle of a South American jungle, and came back to Britain. I've no idea what happened after that though, as we're not close to them.

@friendlyflicka how did you manage to find a new property with your new names? Presumably you had no credit history on your new one? Nowadays everything is so linked electronically it must be hard to change identity.

That bit is actually simple. If you change your name tomorrow from Jane Smith to Louise Jones, you might need to document the change by deed or declaration, but you can do that really quite quickly and easily, then you just show your document to banks, credit card companies, DVLA, passport office, and before you know it, not only do you have ID on the new name, but the financial institutions have informed the credit agencies of the change so “Louise” now has the benefit of “Jane’s” credit history.

I changed my name with my bank account, rather than changing bank account. I don't know if that means my history stayed connected to my new identity?And I had an extremely generous mother and that helped a lot.

My old friends had become impatient with me because they couldn't understand the situation and I was too controlled by him to be able to talk about it. They had moved on to new stages of their life. Most didn't even know I changed my name.

My family were aware of the situation and were frightened for me but supportive. They were also scared that he was aware of their addresses etc and were worried for their safety. But there was no contact of any kind.

My childhood friends brother did this. He just disappeared. I think he was late teens at the time. He was always quiet and a little socially awkward but her parents were devastated. The whole family were devastated. They searched for years. The police were involved. The Sally Army helped but there was no trace. They resigned themselves to fact that he was probably dead. It changed them and the whole family as people. They tortured themselves for decades over his fate, then about 5 years ago he knocked on front door of his parents house with a big smile on his face a saying ‘hi Mum, how are you?’ He’d been living in Europe all that time! He seemed completely perplexed as to why after the initial relief that he was alive, they were so upset and angry with him. I don’t know if he had some kind of mental health issues or personality type, but it was horrific for everyone involved.

@TheScurrilousFunge
That's good to hear she had support from her family, and I hope she is doing ok now. I met him (not his family) years before that, and he seemed a lovely man, reminded me a bit of my dad. Sad situation for him and his family.

@friendlyflicka

I realised I semi-disappeared: married to someone violent. Had a short time frame to escape.

Changed me name, did property dealings in the 2 separate names so no paper trail. Moved to a place I knew no one that was incredibly unlikely.

Didn't keep in touch with old friends.

It worked, although it was much harder work than just walking into a shop.

Well done friendlyflicka that was incredibly courageous and I know it must have been and no doubt still is very difficult.

I have a friend who did this. She literally ran for it when her husband was asleep and had left car keys out. Normally he locked all doors and hid all keys. She had been with him 10yrs and spent much of that in a basement room. He ran up debt in her name etc.

She left with nothing, found her way to refuge and now, 2yrs later, lives in sheltered accommodation (serviced apartment within a guarded compound, social workers and counsellors onsite).

I met her through the treatment centre we both attended.

She is still paying off the debt he ran up, she has about two friends because she lost them all during her years of isolation and can't risk being in touch with anyone who is linked to her ex. She suffers terrible PTSD from years of terror - sleep disorder, anxiety, intrusive thoughts etc

Well possibly as we've recently found out via dna ancestors testing that my mum isn't the daughter of who she thought she was so who know where her parent(s) are.

Dh's great great uncle was married with a baby and one day the mum left. Baby was brought up by her dad and his sister but the mum I think was traced and alive but never had contact.

Not quite the same thing but a similar story. My dad and his cousin were both only children and grew up like brothers. Lived on the same street, did absolutely everything together, inseparable as children. Grew up, same close relationship - went on camping trips together, holidayed together. They were each other's best men, then the two couples spent a lots of time together. Basically, they were as close as could be.

One night my dad got a phone call from the cousin saying he was at his farewell party as the next morning he and his wife were emigrating to the other side of the world and he just wanted to say cheerio. Not only had my dad not been invited to this "farewell party", he knew absolutely nothing about the plans to emigrate - not a word had been mentioned in all the times they'd spent together. And that was that - this happened 50 years ago and they haven't seen each other since. Dad was very hurt and it still bothers him, I think.

Well possibly as we've recently found out via dna ancestors testing that my mum isn't the daughter of who she thought she was so who know where her parent(s) are oh gosh, what an awful shock. Does it give enough detail to show of there's any family link so raised by grandparents or aunt rather than a full adoption by strangers?

Well possibly as we've recently found out via dna ancestors testing that my mum isn't the daughter of who she thought she was so who know where her parent(s) are

Have you had this confirmed? Who did the testing? Have you checked birth certificates and looked for adoption etc?

I’d be a little suspicious if it’s one of those postal or online things. It’s very very easy to contaminate DNA samples, and while I’m sure they get it right a lot of the time, I wouldn’t take completely unexpected results at face value without finding something to corroborate.

(Ex DNA lab worker- if we ever got a wierd result it was nearly always user error...)

@changingmine Thank you. I was just glad I had a window of escape I didn't think I would ever be free.

A neighbours son just disappeared one day, no trace, he was 17/18. 15 or so years later he made contact, made plans to visit them but never turned up and not heard from since.
His Sister is slightly younger and can’t understand either why he vanished or why he made contact only to do it again 😟