Do you know anyone who did the "I'm just going to the shop to buy a paper" thing and who then disappeared forever?

[AliceAir]

Another thread on here reminded me of a girl I was in school with years ago. Her mother apparently popped to the shop to but some potatoes and never came home, and was never heard of again.

I'm not meaning people who have met with foul play but people who have decided to disappear and then done so.

@Viviennemary

So selfish just to disappear. Not a thought for the people left behind worried and wondering what happened.

Unless they have severe mental health issues or an abusive family situation, one of which is probably the case more often than not.

A little compassion and imagination is in order.

Honestly, things can be really hard at home, sen dc and teenagers. I feel like running away sometimes (seriously) or topping myself but usual just drink too much.

@DianaT1969

I wonder how psychologists would explain this. What type of personality does it. In some cases we can assume it is caused be domestic violence or other abuse. Other times could be severe depression. But the decision to not go back, or get in touch is baffling. Perhaps they convince themselves that the ones they left behind are better off without them.

I think it's incremental. You leave as you are .....selfish. Mentally ill. Had a titful. Various reasons. Once away you then can't face explaining yourself and it's easier to stay away than deal with the consequences.

I've considered it on a few occasions. I have three family members that I love, all of whom are older than me . Once they are gone I will do a bunk from the rest without a backward glance.

wonder how psychologists would explain this. What type of personality does it.
All kinds of personality
It may be a planned act or spontaneous and unplanned
Could be as a result of mental illness
Avoiding confrontation or conflict
Stress reaction causing avoidance and flee situation
Selfish, has another relationship to go to

My teenage niece, disappeared after school one day about 3 years ago and we haven't a clue where she is.
My sister passed away when she and her brother were children. I saw her last when she was 14 and we spent the summer together. She was a typical teenager, it was obvious that she was pampered and used to getting her way. Her father seemed to bend to her will and it sounded like her stepmother was very cautious about displeasing the children. What hurts the most is not knowing whether she ran away or if something has happened to her. Our family feel enormous guilt like we should have done more, maybe had her over more. One of my sisters had offered to take her when our sister passed away but her father didn't want her far from him. They live in a different country which isn't known for its human rights let alone women's rights. I spend sleepless nights thinking of horrible scenarios and praying they're not true and hopefully she's safe and happy somewhere. As a PP said upthread its the not knowing thats so hard.

@Handsoffstrikesagain no, they were together and still are, happily married with 6 other kids. They just left me. Not everyone feels abandoned, and not everyone is damaged by it.

@Dislocatedeyeballs

Does anyone know anyone that actually did this and started a new life as in they know them now and not then rather than they knew of someone that did it or it happened to? How is that person now?

I know someone who was given a new identity to protect her. Her husband was violent and had attacked her many times. One day he stabbed her and left her for dead. Her son, aged about 11 found her and saved her life by calling an ambulance. She was renamed and relocated (with 2 children) and has since found happiness with someone she met online many years ago.

Kind of. DH father, left to go out one day when he was two and never came back. DH hasn’t seen him since. SIL tried to find him a few years ago and managed to find a half brother he did the same to. DH thought about trying to find him himself a few years ago, and we traced someone with the same name potentially living 15 mins away. But we don’t know for sure.
Our son is the same age as DH was now and I look at him and can’t imagine it, and my heart breaks for DH all over again.

Clicked too soon... that was 28 years ago.

My Aunt did this. She had a baby at 16, she left the baby with her older sister and said she was going to the shop and would be a couple of hours. She didn't come back and my cousin was raised by her aunt (Also my aunt, DF is their younger brother) a
She resurfaced about 30 years later when my cousin was getting married. The poor girl had been suffering from post-natal depression and couldn't cope. Sad that no-one could help and also sad for the aunt who was left to raise a child alone at 20. She never married or had her own children.

not a paper but one of my great uncles did this while going for a pint of milk. My Dad was a child at the time so about 60 years ago. Literally buggered off never to be seen again.

My eldest child's biological father did. He drove away after dropping her home one day and we have never seen or heard from him again. He deleted all social media and telephone numbers etc...we don't know if he's dead or alive......and as awful as it sounds I don't care. The impact its had on my eldest is heartbreaking and something she will never recover from.

they were together and still are, happily married with 6 other kids. They just left me. Not everyone feels abandoned, and not everyone is damaged by it

Yet your description of your life experiences seems to imply the opposite.

@Whatsnewpussyhat

they were together and still are, happily married with 6 other kids. They just left me. Not everyone feels abandoned, and not everyone is damaged by it

Yet your description of your life experiences seems to imply the opposite.

I agree with pussyhat.

I'm sorry Grisen,but I think that you have been much more hurt than you realise.

Your denial may be your way of coping with a hurt which is too great to consciously acknowledge. I honestly can't imagine that anyone - child or adult - could come through an abandonment like the one you experienced and remain emotionally unscathed.

Not read the whole thread so sorry if it’s taken a different turn, but replying to the OP yes it happened to me, my parents had an fall out one teatime and my dad up and left. We lived in Jersey and he got on the overnight boat back to the UK. Left me and my mum in an absolute pickle and homeless as we were mid moving, staying with friends and our new accommodation was part of my dads job.
He phoned our friends the next day and said I’ve gone and I’m not coming back.

Name change.

My father did it to his first family. He went out one day and never returned (kids 5 and under). His children next saw him (or his photo) 10 years later when he married my mother and it was in the local paper. We were always jealous of them because although he didn't contribute in any way to our family life, and my mum chucked him out when I was about 8, he was always around somewhere and very violent. We'd rather he'd fucked off. Of course I expect they saw him being around and wondered why he couldn't have stayed with them. Soon after he married my mum he moved hundreds of miles away from them. Then when I was a teen he moved a few hundred away again from us!

Awful situation. All of us are pretty fucked up. He's never had any sense of personal responsibility.

My great grandmother had a sister. But she wasn't her biological sister. Their neighbours asked my great grandmother's parents to look after their little girl for the day while they were out and they never came back. Think they had other children that they took with them but for some reason not this little girl. She stayed with my great grandma's family.

@bluebluezoo

*Nopreservatives This has made me think of the boy who it was believed may have set off to walk to his gf's. Was he found?*

The one at the beginning of lockdown? If I remember rightly the working theory is he fell/jumped off a cliff into the sea, as belongings were found near there and there is no other proof of life.

That was Owen Harding, I believe.

@BrandoraPaithwaite

There's a great film with Gemma Arteton that explores a mother's motivations to leave her family. Really recommend it.

I second this. It's a fantastic film.

@Pyewhacket

My step sister is a Detective Sergeant and she told me it’s very difficult to disappear completely in the UK. And every investigation she was involved in regarding a missing person was pretty much sorted within a few weeks. One way or another.

I would have thought this to be the case. People have to have NINOs unless they're going totally "off grid", so even if they change their name their NINO will follow them.

I would have thought this to be the case. People have to have NINOs unless they're going totally "off grid", so even if they change their name their NINO will follow them

Long term missing tend to be illegal immigrants or human trafficking victims. No way of tracking them once they disappear from a safe house- they usually go back to whoever “employed” them.

That or they have come to harm, particularly in rivers or sea where bodies don’t turn up.

These days most will be found, but often give instructions not to tell their families where they are.

Interestingly a friend who works in Safeguarding says there are people who go missing that the police don’t look for. For example rich families from places like the UAE, visiting with their maid/nanny, quite often they abscond once they hit foreign soil, report them as “missing”. They will be recorded as missing but no one will go look for them because there is very little risk to the individual, and if they want to do some independent sightseeing, that is their right as an adult.

was wondering (generally - not expecting you specifically to answer) in what way someone can officially be 'missing' as an adult if the police know you are alive and safe? Do they carry on looking for you?

I imagine that if you've had to disappear to escape an abusive situation, it's possible for the missing persons enquiry to be kept 'officially' open for the benefit of the person you've had to get away from but for the police to discreetly reassure worried loved ones. Obviously they would not carry on looking for you in that situation.

I agree it's probably very hard to completely disappear in this day and age. When missing person cases stay unresolved for a long time, it's almost certainly because the person is no longer alive but there's not enough evidence to close the case confidently.

I think 'disappearing' in a way that has an explanation is probably quite common. It's happened to three people in my life, and I've had a pretty ordinary life. One turned up in a psychiatric hospital, one rocked up in another country with another family, and one was just walking away from a relationship in a cowardly way. Some of the stories on this thread are tragic. to all.

I imagine that if you've had to disappear to escape an abusive situation, it's possible for the missing persons enquiry to be kept 'officially' open for the benefit of the person you've had to get away from but for the police to discreetly reassure worried loved ones. Obviously they would not carry on looking for you in that situation

No the missing report will be closed. But there will be big DO NOT DISCLOSE warnings on name, address etc. You can request relatives are told nothing at all, or you can tell them you are safe and well, nothing further.

If the report is left open it will flag any time that person comes to the attention of authorities, for a traffic violation for example, and they will be treated as a found missing person until facts can be established- and there’s a chance someone will phone nok to inform them.

@Micah

I would have thought this to be the case. People have to have NINOs unless they're going totally "off grid", so even if they change their name their NINO will follow them

Long term missing tend to be illegal immigrants or human trafficking victims. No way of tracking them once they disappear from a safe house- they usually go back to whoever “employed” them.

That or they have come to harm, particularly in rivers or sea where bodies don’t turn up.

These days most will be found, but often give instructions not to tell their families where they are.

Interestingly a friend who works in Safeguarding says there are people who go missing that the police don’t look for. For example rich families from places like the UAE, visiting with their maid/nanny, quite often they abscond once they hit foreign soil, report them as “missing”. They will be recorded as missing but no one will go look for them because there is very little risk to the individual, and if they want to do some independent sightseeing, that is their right as an adult.

I didn't mean that, sorry, what I meant was people who deliberately disappear and make new lives for themselves. They can change their names but I've always wondered how they can truly disappear because they'll be able to be traced via social security details. You can't just roll up and get a new one. So the police at least would know where they were. You can't really totally disappear in this country without at least someone knowing where and who you are.

Also, those after 9/11 who supposedly disappeared, how are they not known by anyone at all if they're still alive and making a new life for themselves?

The film with Gemma Arterton leaving her kids is 'The Escape'. It's very thought provoking