Would you move across the country against the will of your teenage children?

[Hamnet]

How much say should teenage children have when a family is considering a move?

We live in London. We have done all our childrens’ lives. In fact all our adult lives. But I am from Devon and in lockdown I have both missed the countryside and felt that cities are dangerous from a health point of view and won’t be fun again for many years. I also now have flexibility to continue my career with limited time in the London office so a move is possible. DH feels the same.

My dream home is on the market. I knew this house as a child and used to imagine one day owning it but it seemed an impossible dream. DH and I want to offer on it. Our 14 year old daughter is distraught. She can’t stand the idea of leaving her school and friends (who she hasn’t seen hardly at all this year due to lockdowns). She also points out she is in year 10 and it’s a bad time to move schools due to GCSE coursework. She is finding this stage of life quite hard anyway and I am scared to damage her mental health further.

I think London will be in tiers for years to come and all the things we love about London will struggle to return after the pandemic. I also think further mutations or other pandemics are likely. I am desperate to move. Our other children are slightly younger and more malleable.

How much would you take on board the very strong feelings and risk to the mental health of a 14 year old?

Sorry,

Also you have misunderstood, the daughter is taking exams in 2022.

If she was year 9 I’d say absolutely, go for it.

But not Year 10. Only in the most dire of family emergencies do you move a child half way through year 10. My daughter had a couple of students join her (private, performing arts specialist school) in January of year 10 due to bullying and they were OK but they did a reduced number of GCSEs and had a specialism that worked.

The head of another school told me they would not accept any new pupils after the end of the autumn up term of year 10.

The only way I can see it being at all possible is if you are able to afford private education in which case a private school may allow her to repeat a year.

Also Devon is rubbish for teens, there's nothing to do and not many work prospects. That's where we moved and I hated it.

I live in Devon and since moving here from Brighton 26 years ago I can honestly say I haven’t met a racist/brexiteer/unfriendly person ever! Can’t believe people tar ran area with same brush.

However, no way would I move a child in Year 10- Devon has been catching up with the R rate so there’s no reason to assume we won’t be in a higher Tier or we have local lockdown.My family moved a lot - for my dads/ mum work - I’m talking every year - and the one time they didn’t was when we started secondary school- def not around exam time either . Devon will still be here in a couple of years- maybe move at start of college for her when friendships etc are more easily made too

Also many schools take GCSE options starting in Year 9. My local authority states that these schools should avoid taking new pupils after this point unless there is absolutely no choice.

She is very bright and doing well

Have you actually looked properly at whether she can restart year 10 in schools that have the space to take her? She will do significantly worse in her exams moving at this stage and carrying on into year 11. No matter how hard she works.

And it isn't about not moving when you have a teenager. It is about not moving in the middle of the exams.

I wouldn’t do it until 6th form and then look at somewhere like Exeter College .Don’t underestimate how horrible it is when you are dealing with an upset teen.

DS year 12 now and in the summer we put house on the market has he was starting sixth form some distance away and would be weekly boarding. We wanted to be closer to station for him to get to college and closer to my family. He didn’t have many friends here so I didn’t think it would be too much of an issue.

We were very wrong. The whole lockdown experience had more effect than I realised and I think the idea of moving from everything he knew was the final straw. I had to tell him one day one of our pets was very ill and unlikely to make it and there was nothing there, nothing behind his eyes. Horrible experience and we decided we will wait until he is settled at university again as never want to see him looking like that again.

He’s much much better now and has settled into college well and on pretty good form despite lockdown.

There is a big difference between putting your lives on hold for 11 years to waiting a bit of time to find a better time to move and in my opinion 6th form a much better time as lots move and this sets it up as a much better time to move.

I can’t believe that anyone thinks that moving in the middle of a pandemic is a good idea, even if you take schooling etc out of the equation.

And for the people saying “she will make new friends,” no, she won’t. Because there won’t be any opportunity to make friends. The OP will be removing her from here, where she has friends she is able to communicate with all the time, to an area where she knows literally no-one and where there are currently no opportunities to meet and get to know anyone and won’t be for the foreseeable future.

It’s incredibly possible that schools won’t re-open for the rest of the academic year and even if they do, the children who are already friends will be keen to see each other again and pick up where they’ve left off, while she will be on the outside.

And tbh that applies to all of the children, not just the eldest one. And that’s before we get to the impact on her education.

As for this being your “dream home”, get a grip. The emphasis here is on the word “dream” you have no idea what living in this house is going to be like. Even if you’ve ever been inside it that would have been 20/25 years ago at least? For all you know you would be living next door to the neighbours from hell, the house might be riddled with damp, or maybe it just won’t be as you remembered it.

This is all based on a fantasy and nothing more. As they say, you can never go back...

FWIW I grew up in South Africa. I see programmes about SA on the television and they make me incredibly homesick. But the reality of moving back there, even going there on holiday are so far removed from my memory of it it just wouldn’t ever work out.

Stop living in the past and make your own life, which takes the needs of your children into account.

@LucyLockdown

I'm another one quite shocked at the attitudes on this thread. London really isn't the be all and end all of culture, friendship and happiness. I wouldn't live in many parts of London again or raise kids there actually, though of course there are good things about it too.

I'd go for it, OP. I'm not being funny but GCSEs aren't the most important thing in the world anyway. A reset for an overly stressed 14 year old sounds perfect and since she's the oldest the youngest will have all their exam years in Devon. You've lived there and were happy so there's no reason why they won't be.

GCSE’s are going to be very much more important in the near future with the proposal to replace Btecs with T levels.

It will mean that students with lower grades who don’t get into A level courses will have to choose technical, work based education. Nothing wrong with that if it’s what they want but currently you can take a Btec in applied science, or Business, or Computer and still go the university route.

I appreciate that Yr 10 is a difficult time but I moved to a new school in Yr 9 as secondary options in my borough were crap. Didn't know anyone, is that not normal?
My dc will also be going to a secondary where they don't know anyone.

Pre lockdown Exeter was 7th in the country for growing economy. It really isn’t the backwater people think it is

I wouldn’t do it until 6th form

I think that would be the worst time. I made great friends in secondary who remained friends in 6th form & still are to this day. I think making new friends in 6th form would be really hard.

I did it with a start of year 9 child but wouldn’t have done it in year 10. I’d offer. I’d buy.
I’d move when she is end of year 11 though. Unlikely will complete before the summer then rent for 9 months and then go.

I’d be saying to her that she’s not meeting friends now and it won’t ease before the summer anyways.

@AaronPurr

I'd go for it, OP. I'm not being funny but GCSEs aren't the most important thing in the world anyway

Of course they're not, but they're incredibly important for the OP's DD.

She'll manage. It's not a disaster. There are ways around it that don't involve a family of 5 staying in the same place for another 11 years. That's a disproportionate reaction to the importance of her staying in her current school.

@gasgig

I wouldn’t do it until 6th form

I think that would be the worst time. I made great friends in secondary who remained friends in 6th form & still are to this day. I think making new friends in 6th form would be really hard.

Lots of people don't go to sixth form in the same place they go to school or with the same people. Then there's uni/college which is different people again. Change is a normal part of life and kids benefit from getting used to it.

I wouldn’t move in Year 10-11. So disruptive for her.

@gasgig

I appreciate that Yr 10 is a difficult time but I moved to a new school in Yr 9 as secondary options in my borough were crap. Didn't know anyone, is that not normal? My dc will also be going to a secondary where they don't know anyone.

Youve completely missed the point. It isnt about moving schools and making new friends. It is about moving schools in the middle of her gcse’s, finding what she has learned so far isnt relevant and then trying to cram two years work into one, and getting lower grades than she would have if they hadn't moved for 12 months.

And actually it wouldnt even by half way through gcse’s. The majority of the content is covered in year 10.

Massively selfish to move at this point with a child whose intention is A-levels and degree, if that is her chosen path.

Thanks Decorhate. I’m going to have to be a little bit patient as College will be launching into what comes next next month or March so I know he’ll be clearer then.

Oops, wrong thread, sorry !

@Hamnet

Those asking where in Devon, I don’t want to be too precise but a small town in the South Hams. On mainline trainline to London in 3 hours.

@Hamnet my parents moved near to Totnes many years ago when my DB was a teenager. He wasn’t consulted about this. He attended the local school but never really settled there and left as soon as he was able to and has never viewed Devon as home.

Out of four siblings (3 of us were older and stayed in London) one has settled in Devon.

Be aware that your own DC might settle and love it but there is a real ‘risk’ that as soon as they are able to they will gravitate back to the city and far away from you. That 3 hour train trip is easy enough but it’s expensive and home visits might not be as frequent as you’d like.

In your position I’d honestly advise you to wait.

She'll manage. It's not a disaster.

It could be a disaster for her. Changing at such a crucial time is likley to lead to poorer results. This could have a massive impact on her future options, A - Levels / degree etc.

Youve completely missed the point. It isnt about moving schools and making new friends.

Except many posters have very much made this point...

A terrible idea. Just don't. When she goes to Uni consider it then.

No way would I move a child in year 10. Different schools follow different exam boards (even if they offer the same subjects) they choose different topics within the exams and teach things in a different order.

Change is a normal part of life and kids benefit from getting used to it.

I agree but I still think 6th form is a worse time than secondary school.