Would you move across the country against the will of your teenage children?

[Hamnet]

How much say should teenage children have when a family is considering a move?

We live in London. We have done all our childrens’ lives. In fact all our adult lives. But I am from Devon and in lockdown I have both missed the countryside and felt that cities are dangerous from a health point of view and won’t be fun again for many years. I also now have flexibility to continue my career with limited time in the London office so a move is possible. DH feels the same.

My dream home is on the market. I knew this house as a child and used to imagine one day owning it but it seemed an impossible dream. DH and I want to offer on it. Our 14 year old daughter is distraught. She can’t stand the idea of leaving her school and friends (who she hasn’t seen hardly at all this year due to lockdowns). She also points out she is in year 10 and it’s a bad time to move schools due to GCSE coursework. She is finding this stage of life quite hard anyway and I am scared to damage her mental health further.

I think London will be in tiers for years to come and all the things we love about London will struggle to return after the pandemic. I also think further mutations or other pandemics are likely. I am desperate to move. Our other children are slightly younger and more malleable.

How much would you take on board the very strong feelings and risk to the mental health of a 14 year old?

@Nuitdesetoiles - yeah no one in Cornwall can make friends the culture forbids it.

And if you aren't Tory/Brexiteer/Racist then you aren't allowed to live here!

Probably just as well it's not for you with attitudes like that.

@nuitdesetoiles

My mum regrets our move to the shitty Midlands village. It was for my dad's job, I can't imagine what a culture shock it must have been for her growing up and living in London until mid 30s. I have struggled to forgive my parents and still when I'm walking through London when visiting think "why the hell did you put us all through that when we could have been here!"....

My friend who doesn't have kids moved from Bristol to a tiny Hamlet in Cornwall and I can already see the change in her. She literally just goes for dog walks and works from home pre pandemic as well. No friends locally as the culture doesn't lend itself to making friends, very few activities unless you're into surfing! She's already said I couldn't live there as I'd find the Brexit/Tory/racism thing intolerable. She won't even let you talk about it if you are out and about in case some local overhears!

It really depends on the location though.

South Hams is quite a sophisticated area because it’s very beautiful and there’s a lot of cultured ex Londoners who’ve moved for the lifestyle.
Totnes is alternative, Salcombe is big for sailing and tourism in the summer. Dartington has a literary festival every year.

The English countryside is not all of a piece. The Midlands are completely different.

Obviously some pupils do move yr10/11 - death of parent, refugee etc but schools would very much be on trying to salvage something mode eg maybe letting the girl sit 5 GCSEs to try and pass maths and English. Drop anything that’s not compatible eg mine does classics gcse which not every school offers. If she is academic and was hoping for A levels/degree after it will seriously impact her. Covid means teacher predictions may be relevant too my yr 10 is doing a lot of past papers assessments so there is data there in case. I know records can transfer but new staff wouldn’t know her.
If you do move I think only option would be private and restarting yr 10.

the move to Devon will benefit the whole family.

It's much more likely to have a negative impact on her DD educationally. Moving in the middle of GCSEs is a terrible idea, and one which could have life long consequences for her daughter.

Don't do it. She will never forgive you. We are 7 years on from you and our three have not forgiven us.
And also, there will be less opportunities for her there - both in education and career prospects.

@CheshireCats

Don't do it. She will never forgive you. We are 7 years on from you and our three have not forgiven us. And also, there will be less opportunities for her there - both in education and career prospects.

You can’t make hard and fast judgements like that. You can say it didn’t work for you.

But so much is dependent on when - in this case best time would be just after GCSE. And where - this bit of Devon socially isn’t so very different from London.

A friend of mine moved with her kids to Exeter and the children are super happy there, in very good schools, a lot less pressure, no pollution, and a lot more time outdoors. The youngest one’s asthma has improved dramatically.

There will never be a better time with the ages of your children,

This really is the worst possible time for a child in the middle of studying for GCSEs @halfgirlhalfturnip.

I'm going to go against the grain and say yes, I would. Providing you research schools to make sure she's going to be able to carry on where she left off.
I wouldn't not move because of my 14 year old- but I would consider her. If you could afford to buy the house and rent it out for a couple of years, I might hold off until she's finished school.

Even schools that study the same board choose different topics from the syllabus.

I suspect some posters may be a bit distant from the GCSE experience.

This gets worse and worse- it seems only ex-Londoners can be cultured! If people can't see how bigoted this thread is then I feel sorry for them (and speaking as an ex-Londoner not everyone in London is cultured (whatever that means) anyway.

Can you imagine if you wrote off a whole part of the UK in the way the SW has been described in this thread? Oh wait, it's MN so the North is grim, the SW is racist and uncultured, the Midlands is drug fuelled, what about East Anglia?

Of course on MN London is the only place that has it all and those who have the misfortune to live somewhere else are considerably lesser in all respects.

MN has really gone downhill lately and I think this thread has just about finished me off. Not to worry I won't be missed because I have left London and have therefore got questionable credentials. I can just enjoy my friendless, racist, Tory, uncultured life and hope that people with opinions demonstrated here leave me to get on with it

No. Not for a dream home.

I'd consider a teenager but no, I would not allow a child to determine what the rest of the family do. If I needed to move for work and my kid wasn't happy about the idea, I'd try to find a compromise (is a home in a town rather than completely rural), but no, I would not let her determine all our lives. She's a child. Sometimes it won't go her way. To be clear though, it would only be a "necessary" move, not because I fancied a change.

@Ginfordinner I mean if she doesn't do it now she is stuck for 11 years due sibling ages and stages, not that the stars are aligned. Also exams may not even happen this year so restarting GCSEs without the current pressure she faces sounds like a bonus. Not many young teens would suggest the move as they lack life experience, so parents need to make the best decisions they can for the overall benefit of their family.

@Yuddiesorno I find it really weird, Im a born & raised Londoner & don't have this view. I actually think it's people who don't grow up in London who tend to think this or else they live in a real bubbles.

@JaimieLeeCurtains

What will your DD actually do in the Devon countryside? How will she get around? She's too young to learn to drive, public transport is absolute rubbish these days, taxis cost a bomb, and she won't know anyone or know the area.

Where will she go to school? How will she get there and back? Will her subjects be available? Will you be able to get registered with a dentist, GP etc? What's the broadband like?

Where will she get a Saturday job / job in future years? How will she travel to it? Will she dependent on the taxi services of mum and dad? Will you let her walk miles in the dark at night to and from friends' houses, or accept rides in older friends' cars, or chuck a wobbly at the thought?

My parents certainly didn't think it through. And we only moved from a tiny wee town. You'd be moving from London!

(From a former rural teenager.)

This isn't at all my experience of living rurally.

Kids do grow up in the countryside, get Saturday jobs - around here they help out on farms, in pubs, walk dogs, wash cars... Not all country side locations are miles from any kind of civilization or kids friends either. I live very rurally and have broadband fibre to the premises so way better than a lot of city dwellers. My DS has 5 good friends of his age within a mile that he can cycle to see. No polluted, busy roads to get there either.

But I do agree that moving your DD in year 10 is not a good idea, if she is going to uni, wait til she is 18. Plus your dream house might be snapped up before you are ready to put an offer in.

merrymouse Yes, indeed.

@HibernatingTill2030

I'm going to go against the grain and say yes, I would. Providing you research schools to make sure she's going to be able to carry on where she left off. I wouldn't not move because of my 14 year old- but I would consider her. If you could afford to buy the house and rent it out for a couple of years, I might hold off until she's finished school.

There is not a cat in hells chance of her being able to carry on where she left off, no matter what research is done. Absolutely none at all. So the only thing to consider is whether op is happy to negatively impact her dd’s gcse results.

I suspect some posters may be a bit distant from the GCSE experience. and even then, they only had knowledge of their own gcse’s.

Do it OP.

I know other families with similar age kids who've done this - initially against the will of their kids.

Overall it's been massively positive for everyone.

I'm another one quite shocked at the attitudes on this thread. London really isn't the be all and end all of culture, friendship and happiness. I wouldn't live in many parts of London again or raise kids there actually, though of course there are good things about it too.

I'd go for it, OP. I'm not being funny but GCSEs aren't the most important thing in the world anyway. A reset for an overly stressed 14 year old sounds perfect and since she's the oldest the youngest will have all their exam years in Devon. You've lived there and were happy so there's no reason why they won't be.

Also from the process of applying to schools mid-GCSEs.

It's actually more likely to find she can't get a place in a school, than that she'll be offered the chance to go back a year into Year 10.

Then you're looking at a PRU, homeschooling or private.

And if it's a grammar school area, that's another level of tricky.

Having said that, I do think if private schooling is an option, it all becomes less tricky.

I'd go for it, OP. I'm not being funny but GCSEs aren't the most important thing in the world anyway

Of course they're not, but they're incredibly important for the OP's DD.

I'd move, OP.
For all the reasons you say.
When she still can't properly do stuff with her friends in 12 months you'll be glad she can go on long countryside walks rather than be another city any. Skype/Facetime will be the same whether London or Devon - but Devon IS nicer. And get a tutor!

No. I was forced into doing this as a teen and it ruined my education. I was chronically shy back then, I found it too hard to make new friends so I spent all my time alone in my bedroom. I dropped out of college after 4 months and never went back. Ended up leaving home at 17 as I felt so resentful.

I swore I will never do that to my DS.

Not many young teens would suggest the move as they lack life experience, so parents need to make the best decisions they can for the overall benefit of their family.

A parent making the decision on the basis of permanent lockdown in London could perhaps take some advice from a 14 year old.

Also, you have misunderstood. A