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Original poster

For those of you childfree , do you regret not having children?

368 replies

Seaair2 · 19/01/2021 13:55

Interested to hear from those of you who are slightly older.

I’m mid 30s and I have never really seen myself being a biological parent. I like children, more so in smaller doses! I am open to step children in the future or even adoption sometimes, or being a teacher , sort of feel like my calling is to help children who are already here does that sound silly?

I just don’t think the full time responsibility (obviously this would happen with adoption) is something that is for me. I don’t know how parents balance it all! I can be quite an anxious person and I think I’d be worrying non stop!!

But my view seems to be looked down on in society because it’s still the norm to have children. I wish it was more common for people to be childfree for there to be more balanced views!

OP posts:

ShatnersWig · 19/01/2021 23:17

46 nearing 47. Knew from a young age I never wanted kids and have never had one regret or moment of doubt. Not one.

Whatatune · 19/01/2021 23:18

@CounsellorTroi

It's amazing how often it gets trotted out on here that "no one ever regrets having a child" despite there being plentiful evidence on here that they do.

I agree. Google 'I regret having my child' and there's so many forums, articles, blog posts and youTube videos not to mention social media posts, people who see counsellors about it, people who keep it to themselves and then add on the now adult children who knew they weren't wanted or were abused/treated badly because their parents regretted them and it's a big topic.

It's really sad for both the parent(s) and the child and its horrible that people struggle to get support and feel unable to talk about it. Some of the things I've read are heartbreaking, I don't know how parents who regret having their child cope day to day and I feel so sad for the child as well, I can't imagine what it must feel like to go through what some have said their life growing up was like eg actively being told they weren't wanted or ruined their parents life and stuff like that.

ilovesooty · 19/01/2021 23:19

No.

Cherrysoup · 19/01/2021 23:23

50, it just never happened and I wasn’t bothered enough to get tested. Just my opinion, but there’s enough children in the world. I thought I wanted to adopt but just never got round to it. My mum worried that there’ll be nobody to look after me in my dotage, but that’s a SHIT reason to have kids, IMO.

TheFaithfulBorderBinliner · 19/01/2021 23:31

Waves at the everyone, but particularly those from the dial up days. Post of the week 2004 several times
,:-)
//Preens, twirls, falls over//

I came because I had tiny children but wanted a break from talking or thinking about them occasionally. My 'Mum' friends were rather in a zone.

On the adoption thing, before I had kids I naively thought adopting would be fairly similar, didn't think I was even bothered about the baby stage. I now know that having your own kids is hard, having fertility treatment is another level and adoption requires a totally different skill set.

I hope people are kind, I'm sure unwittingly I've upset people with clumsy assumptions about fertility or life choices. It's not you, it's me and Mumsnet has hopefully taught me to minimise those times.

evenBetter · 19/01/2021 23:37

Join the CF community on Facebook, this place is obviously not the place for the topic, but all my cf friends and me are blissfully happy and couldn’t be less interested in parents fuckin whining relentlessly about their choice to bang out more consumers on a dying planet 😂

sneakysnoopysniper · 19/01/2021 23:40

Ive always felt that women get the dirty end of the stick. We are one half of humanity and we get lumbered with bearing in pain and degradation the children of all humanity. If the man would bear the first child I would have the second.

missbunnyrabbit · 19/01/2021 23:45

Such a good thread to read. I really don't know about children, I'm 25, and my partner doesn't want any, ever. I am in two minds, but my reasons FOR children are entirely selfish.

When I was younger, I insisted I would never have children because I had such a miserable life. My parents were extremely loving etc., but school was awful and I was so depressed as a teen. I never wanted to be responsible for another child having such a miserable time as I did.

As I've gotten older, I do wish for a mini-me, someone to look after. I have also always dreamed for a big family, as my family is dysfunctional and unsociable.

But, I am a teacher of young children and see how demanding they are. I did actually think, when planning to be a teacher, that this will be my way of 'enjoying' children, rather than having my own. And I love leaving the children at the end of the day, and going home for my own company!

I also worry about loneliness - if my relationships break down and I become long-term single, I would love to have a child to spend time with and look after. Living alone is so mentally hard.

On the other hand, I HATE the thought of pregnancy and childbirth. It makes me feel sick.

Cautionsharpblade · 19/01/2021 23:48

I’m 49 and have no regrets at all about being child free. The first day of lockdown in March I was sent a ‘cute’ video of a kid dancing and gave thanks that I don’t have that in my life.

I’ve never wanted children because I can’t stand being around them. For me, it’s like someone bringing a snake into the room. I can make all the right noises ‘oh it’s a lovely snake! You must be so proud! Oh no I won’t hold him thanks, I don’t want to wake him’ but I can’t take my eyes off the snake because it makes me so uncomfortable and I’m dying for it to leave the room. All I am thinking is ‘why would you choose to have this in your life?’

Woollypulley · 19/01/2021 23:56

How can anyone regret what they never had?

CremeEgg2019 · 19/01/2021 23:57

I wonder if there are any much older people on here who have chosen to remain child free have had any regrets on that front?
I can understand the pleasure and freedoms when one is relatively young (as in 30’s - 40’s - 50’s) but what about later?
I don’t mean having kids to provide care - but more about not having a family of your own to spend Christmas with, or other holidays, the companionship of one’s own kin.

I often wonder how those in their 60’s onwards fare when they don’t have families of their own (apart from a partner / spouse)

CounsellorTroi · 20/01/2021 00:00

I'm perfectly happy to spend Christmas just with my DH, and family Christmases can be hell from what I've read here.

Dutypaid · 20/01/2021 00:01

Mid 40s, no regrets and hoping to retire early. I am in no way maternal and very thankful for that, particularly now during a pandemic.

Tinkerbell456 · 20/01/2021 00:04

I have known that I can’t have kids since I was 15, so I never expected to have any long before it became an issue. Yes, I have had the odd sad moment, but not really regrets. I actually think that me and hubby have a stronger marriage because we haven’t had competing priorities.

Tinkerbell456 · 20/01/2021 00:05

By the way, a pp was asking about older women. I’m 56.

Whatatune · 20/01/2021 00:06

@CremeEgg2019

I wonder if there are any much older people on here who have chosen to remain child free have had any regrets on that front? I can understand the pleasure and freedoms when one is relatively young (as in 30’s - 40’s - 50’s) but what about later? I don’t mean having kids to provide care - but more about not having a family of your own to spend Christmas with, or other holidays, the companionship of one’s own kin.

I often wonder how those in their 60’s onwards fare when they don’t have families of their own (apart from a partner / spouse)

I'm not 60 yet but the childfree family and inlaws I mentioned earlier are all 70+ and no regrets and my friends and acquaintances over 60 have no regrets either. I was talking to a woman who is 84 the other day and she was telling me how hard it was for her and her husband to be childfree when they were younger because of the judgement so they used to lie and say they were infertile. She was saying she's glad it's easier for people now to be childfree because she's loved her life and she's glad people can choose it now.

I don't have kids but I have family and friends to spend Christmas with and the companionship of my family, friends and husband. Not all parents have someone to spend Christmas etc with so it's not guarantee of anything.

Dimsummummy · 20/01/2021 00:06

@MabelMoo23 preach! X

SelkieQualia · 20/01/2021 00:12

Do not have children just because you want someone to look after you when you're old.

I've got 2 kids. It's right for me and I bitterly regret not having more.

Having said that, I've given 10 years of the best years of my life over to raising children. They will dominate my life for another decade. If I wasn't totally, completely into it, I would have spent a large portion of my adult life miserable.

Just save your money so that you can afford care in your final few years.

Notimeforaname · 20/01/2021 02:18

Just save your money so that you can afford care in your final few years
Its ok,we've organised a mini bus to dignitas 🤣 get your names down.

Whatatune · 20/01/2021 02:48

@Notimeforaname

Just save your money so that you can afford care in your final few years Its ok,we've organised a mini bus to dignitas 🤣 get your names down.

I'm in! I'm hoping by the time I need them (if I ever need them!) they've been approved in the UK.

Notimeforaname · 20/01/2021 03:07

I'm in! I'm hoping by the time I need them (if I ever need them!) they've been approved in the UK.

And It they are,sure we'll still take the mini bus out for the day 🤣
Coz we can.

GodOfPhwoar · 20/01/2021 03:13

I'm gladder than ever watching everybody around me meltdown with the stress of juggling kids and work atm. I'm finishing two hours early every day due to the traffic and enjoying my free time.

Delphinium20 · 20/01/2021 04:23

I feel bad there is a stigma to not raise kids. I do have children but I really love it and always wanted them. I can't imagine pushing someone to do something they don't want to.

Whatatune · 20/01/2021 04:54

@Delphinium20

I feel bad there is a stigma to not raise kids. I do have children but I really love it and always wanted them. I can't imagine pushing someone to do something they don't want to.

I think people who are unhappy and/or unsatisfied with their lives try to push others to live theirs the same as they do to make them feel better about their choices. All the people I know who love being a parent are supportive, talk about the good times and the bad and we respect each others choices. On the other hand I've known parents like a woman I worked with who never stopped complaining about her children they were the reason she was late, the reason she couldn't watch TV or go on holiday or for a night out, they've made her skint, she's tired, they've wrecked her body, they're too loud, they're brats, they've ruined the sofa etc and then she'd have a go at me because I don't want any kids! She wasn't exactly selling the lifestyle!

garlictwist · 20/01/2021 05:18

I'm 40 this year and have never been anti children just never really get the urge. Now I think the ship has sailed.

I don't think I will regret it but if I do, I do. I am quite happy with my nice little life.

I have two nieces and love them to bits but my god it looks like hard work and my sister always seems tired and stressed.

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