For those of you childfree , do you regret not having children?

[Seaair2]

Interested to hear from those of you who are slightly older.

I’m mid 30s and I have never really seen myself being a biological parent. I like children, more so in smaller doses! I am open to step children in the future or even adoption sometimes, or being a teacher , sort of feel like my calling is to help children who are already here does that sound silly?

I just don’t think the full time responsibility (obviously this would happen with adoption) is something that is for me. I don’t know how parents balance it all! I can be quite an anxious person and I think I’d be worrying non stop!!

But my view seems to be looked down on in society because it’s still the norm to have children. I wish it was more common for people to be childfree for there to be more balanced views!

Nope 41 now. No regrets. I’ve watched and been present with nephews, nieces, godchildren and friends children growing up. I work with children but I’m happy with my life with my partner without them.

I hate it when people say ‘but who will look after you when you are old’ that’s not a reason to bring a life into the world.

I’m 58 and childless with no regrets.

Thank you for this thread OP, it's really helpful to hear people's experiences. DH and I are 30s and feel we are getting to a point where we need to make a decision one way or another - or rather, let our families know we've made a decision. We're both pretty certain we wont have biological children but sometimes we wobble.

Our main reason for choosing not to is the world is utterly f*ed. Both of us work in sectors that force us to confront the reality of the climate/ecological crisis daily and although I'm sure it sounds "dramatic" to some, we genuinely feel we cannot in good concious bring another child into the world. Even in a best case scenario we know we couldn't offer them the standard of living our parents gave us.

Both of us do like children and I think would have enjoyed raising a child. But It's something we can "give or take" and I know we will continue to live full and happy lives without them.

Child free and happy with that! Not even really good with the responsibility of pets! I kept waiting for that biological urge to kick in but it never did.

@IcedGem

Has Mumsnet become somewhere childfree people choose to post regularly?

Genuinely not being confrontational when I ask that - I am really interested in why?

It's been like that for years. How long have you been using the site?

It's as if most of the topics aren't about non parenting issues. It's wild you are so defensive about child free people apperently seeking out a parenting site. (when a really small amount of the forum is parenting).

Icedgem, this is eventually asked on every single thread relating to being child free. I mainly come here for knitting, The Archers, Scotsnet. I arrived here some 21 years ago because my beloved sister was at her wit's end with her son being bullied at school and I was bimbling about the newfangled Internet to see if I could find anything to help her, and stumbled on MN. Been here ever since in one guise or another.

That particular situation made me quite pleased I didn't have children.

Sometimes I regret that I never wanted it. Just like I regret not wanting to follow the usual path of school uni career marriage kids.

Sometimes I regret that my life isn't underpinned and stabilsed by those expected milestones.

I never wanted those things. Just felt like I should, cos it is usual and expected.

I definitely would regret it if I'd gone that way.

@Gooseysgirl

Anyone I know who is child-free by choice has absolutely no regrets.

And all the child free couples I know are still together. All of them have been married for upwards of 25 years.

@Notimeforaname

but it's always the fear of being older and lonely that keeps me on the fence

I'm always threatened with this..by people with children. 🤣
Even if I had kids, who's to say we'd have a great relationship when I'm in old age?
And how do I know they wont have moved to the other side of the world and I'll be old an alone anyway?

This. Do people think they are breeding slaves? Also, do they think there is a 100% warranty that the small slave-to-be will be up to the task, rather than possibly being disabled in a way needing round the clock parental care to the dying day of one or other of them?

Late 30s and no. I thought I would inevitably have kids when I was young as that's what women did, but never really wanted them. I've been waiting to want it but it's never happened. Might get a biological urge when it's too late but 🤷‍♀️
I love my friends kids and I'm very close to them. But I also absolutely love not having my own children. So does my DP. We have a very good life- lie ins, travel, time to ourselves. Parenting is not for everyone and that's fine. You do you x

51 and no regrets. At all. I knew from a very young age that I never wanted children, as sure as my sister knew she did. It seemed to me a life of drudgery, being broke, and endless worry! All of my friends had children and whilst I love them all motherhood diminished them, it’s like watching a light go out in them. And some of them moan incessantly, like the kids were foisted upon them. The worst one for this was buckling under the weight of 2 but was determined to have a third. She’s insufferable now altogether.

@Ginfordinner now you mention it I don't know any divorced childfree couples. I know a few widowed childfree people and one who is single by choice and always has been been (now in her 80s). I am childfree and divorced but divorced (well seperated) very shortly after marriage as I found out he had been lying about being childfree and 'knew' I would change my mind when married

Childfree and no regrets here. In fact, I think it’s one of the few things in my life I got right.

Not defensive, just curious.

Used MN since 2004, thanks.

That last was in reply to @Plussizejumpsuit, doh!

Never wanted them, never had them. They deprive you of sleep, money and patience. Sometimes of your friendships and partner too. And they are so boring. I love my life and freedom too much to sacrifice it for a child. I'm late forties now.

I came here because it was recommended to me as being fun and wide ranging and was reassured that you didn't actually have to be a mum to post here.

I'm 50 now and knew quite early on that I never wanted kids of my own. I'm all too aware of my shortcomings (riddled with arthritis from a young age, lazy, very short tempered when due on, generalised anxiety disorder etc etc) and knew I would not be a good mother.

I've never for a single second ever thought of wavering from this and I don't regret it. I love my step kids to bits, but I knew having babies wasn't the right thing for me.

For me, I find it best to rephrase the question from 'Do I want to have a child?' to 'Do I want to be a parent?'

Rather than wondering about this child who doesn't exist yet, an abstract concept which it is far too easy to idealise, to imagine in kodak-perfect form... And basing it on this nonsense notion of 'having', this misguided sense of possessing, of fashioning a little recreation of me who would supposedly be mine ...

It is much better to think: Do I want to be a parent? Do I want that job? The reality of that job? All the chores and responsibilities and day-to-day work of it? Do I want to dedicate myself to parenting? Twenty four hours a day, for 20 years? Or even for the rest of my life? Do I want that to be my life's work?

Then the answer is easy: no.

Parenting is work that should only be undertaken by one for whom it is a vocation.

My sister and most of my closest female friends are childfree by choice, but often had to defend this decision when asked about it by older generations (lots of 'you'll feel differently one day' etc etc).

In my case, I have always known I wanted a child and the feeling became v strong/almost a desp 'need' in my early 30s.
My sister loves kids, is her niece's fave person, likes the idea of adoption but has admitted she never felt that same 'urge' I did to give birth.
As far I'm aware, no one I know who is childfree by choice regrets their decision.

So many good point made on here. The selfish argument winds me right up! Having children most definitely is selfish, the planet needs no more people -it actually needs less. It's just a different manifestation of yourself. Packaging it up as selfless is nonsense and hypocritical as it's really not.

Having children is a lifestyle choice. Yep that statement makes people angry but it's true. No one NEEDS to, it's a want. But people struggle to separate wants and needs it appears.

The way people without children have to justify themselves isn't right. People with children are never seem put under that lens or under pressure to justify from what l have seen. The condescending cock of the head when people want explanations is inappropriate

I was never that into having children until l met my fiancé. We both have fertility issues and have got nowhere so far and increasingly lm burned out by it all. Plus l like our life e.g. holidays (pre-pandemic!), lie ins, gigs, shoes (both of us), nice clothes (was me, now increasing him!), cats etc. Our lives aren't dreadful. My Dad's mum had 6 children in 9 years which is intense and did put me off when l was younger. Physically and mentally she paid the price. At the end of the day different folks = different strokes

@grapewine it took longer than usual. Plus the "your life has now meaning / so empty", "you have never know love like it" and "do people without children come on here?!"

But yeah lots of cat loveliness over in the litter tray

@sleepyhead1980 if anyone describes having children: mangled genitals, no sleep, impaired career prospects, marital strife, financial penalties etc then lm sure lots would be up for it 😂

30's here - always had zero interest in kids. I can't think of anything more boring than raising kids. I like my own space and wouldn't take well to having to give that up for something that I'd have to painfully force out of my vagina. I have a niece and she is amazing, but giving her back is also a blessing after a full day. Kudos to those that do, but I simply am not designed for babies, toddlers or kids. No regrets here and I'm getting the snip later this year.

Another teacher here- love the little dears but very very happy to wave goodbye to them on a Friday afternoon! No regrets whatsoever!

Early 40s here and nope, never regretted it.

It does get tiresome having to justify decisions: why haven’t you had children, won’t you regret it, why are you on Mumsnet...

It's amazing how often it gets trotted out on here that "no one ever regrets having a child" despite there being plentiful evidence on here that they do.