For those of you childfree , do you regret not having children?

[Seaair2]

Interested to hear from those of you who are slightly older.

I’m mid 30s and I have never really seen myself being a biological parent. I like children, more so in smaller doses! I am open to step children in the future or even adoption sometimes, or being a teacher , sort of feel like my calling is to help children who are already here does that sound silly?

I just don’t think the full time responsibility (obviously this would happen with adoption) is something that is for me. I don’t know how parents balance it all! I can be quite an anxious person and I think I’d be worrying non stop!!

But my view seems to be looked down on in society because it’s still the norm to have children. I wish it was more common for people to be childfree for there to be more balanced views!

*when I grew up

At least it took a bit longer than usual for the "why are childfree people even on Mumsnet posts...

I'm too lazy as someone mentioned in thread.

When I was younger and naive I thought I wanted them as society told us you get married and have children...

No partner and no children came but that's fine. I like my peace. If I had a baby it would probably be a baby genius and change its own nappy, make it's bottles and look after me as I'd be useless!

I'm considering getting a cat when I'm older but scared of the responsibility...
Does anyone know if there is a thread with just cat pictures?

@IcedGem

Has Mumsnet become somewhere childfree people choose to post regularly?

Genuinely not being confrontational when I ask that - I am really interested in why?

It has for me. I found MN when I was looking for support after trauma I'd suffered and some posters, and even reading others threads, helped hugely.

I stayed because I love books, tv, food and being nosey . There's no female dominated forum as big in the UK as far as I'm aware and I like talking to women. Also, while I don't want children, I do find the 'funny things my toddler said' type threads absolutely hilarious.

Does anyone know if there is a thread with just cat pictures?

Threads of gratuitous cat pics pop up often on The Litter Tray:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/the_litter_tray/4138417-Gratuitous-cat-pictures-please

I’m 44, and I have 2 young children, and I suffered several losses before I had them.

I love them so much, literally more than anything, and yes I would die for them.

But do I miss my pre children life? More than you can ever ever imagine.

I miss being me, I miss my life, my career has absolutely tanked and may never actually recover. I’m at home, furloughed and being made redundant home schooling my eldest, whilst trying to not cry at being up to my elbows in shitty pants as my 3 year old refuses to poo in the potty or toilet. Whilst my husband is still working and is still enjoying his career. I’m desperately applying for new jobs and I want full time now as I’m not sure I can so this anymore and feel like an absolute failure

I miss me. I miss my old life. Desperately

So please don’t regret your choices. I can assure you, the grass is most definitely not greener on the other side. It still needs fucking mowing 50 million times a day

@Whatatune I have kids and I never ever post on the parent threads. Usually style & beauty, AIBU and the pet ones

That said, toddler ones, usually involving dubious substances are hilarious and make me howl

It always amazes me that the majority of people want kids when there are so many reasons not to 😂 money, sleep, physical changes, no free time etc etc

I could have written this, word for word. We used to say ‘in 2-3 years’ and then it kept being 2-3 years and we didn’t feel any urge.

@LApprentiSorcier thanks so much! Didn't expect a response. Have a big in my face!

Sorry that was to @WhereDoMyBluebirdsFly

Well, I started out genuinely interested and not confrontational, then I got slightly pissed off with the chippy responses from some, hence my second post.

@heroku though, I get that - yes, it is tricky to talk about why people haven't had kids IRL. I never ask anyone, because I don't want anyone assuming I'm doing a head tilt sympathy thing - I'm not. There are a billion reasons not to have kids (as you all know!), some selfish, lots not - just as there are a billion reasons to have kids, some selfish, lots not. And I can see that a childfree by choice board may well not get as much traffic as MN (not being snarky, MN have done a lot of publicity-causing things over the years so it stands to reason non-parents would find the board and of course there are interesting threads here that aren't all about bum-wiping and sore nipples!).

Anyway, I'm sorry I interrupted your conversation.

No

I'm 51 and don't regret not having children one bit, I never give it a second thought. I never felt broody or that my clock was ticking, it just wasn't for me.
I did work with children for many years and I enjoyed it but it wasn't something I wanted outside of office hours.

Am a mum and a stepmum, adore both. Can't imagine life without them.
My friend said the only reason I love being a step mum is because I get 2 weekends childfree with my partner but I disagree.

Niece is mid thirties and amazing with children but does not want her own. I know her well enough to know she is happy with that decision as well. She says the older she gets the more she feels secure in that decision.

@IcedGem

Lol at not being familiar with MN - yeah, ok.

I'm perfectly able to converse with people with and without children, thanks.

And I was genuinely interested - I was wondering if I'd seek out a parenting site if I didn't have children as I wouldn't seek out a childfree by choice site now (and I def wouldn't start a thread on there about how amazing kids are and how selfish it is not to have them, but maybe that's just me).

Anyway, as you were.

You're truly a gem, I'm in a couple of childfree subreddits and on posts where people need support for horrendous things they've been through due to being childfree, parents come on and tell them it's their own fault because if they had kids it wouldn't have happened and berate them and tell us all how our lives are meaningless and it'd be better for everyone if we committed suicide rather than damage the lives of selfless parents and their children.

Their posts are always deleted quickly but sometimes the person who has been through something awful because their childfree does see them before they're deleted and its horrible to see that it puts them back at square one.

The reverse is also true though, I wouldn't start a thread on here (or anywhere) about how amazing my life is and how shit parents lives are and how selfish they were to have kids. I'm always happy for people who want kids and have them, I only feel sad for people who have kids if they didn't want them or did want them but now regret them.

Again there's a subreddit for parents who regret their kids to get support and it's often infiltrated by parents telling them they don't deserve their kids and how awful they are and how they're going to destroy their kids. #bekind really is over!

I'm greatful that I'm child free every day.

@Gooseysgirl

Anyone I know who is child-free by choice has absolutely no regrets.

Same - as far as you can know anyway. I have five childfree relatives four who have partners, one who is widowed. I also have four childfree in laws, two married, one single, one widowed and some childfree friends and acquaintances and as fsr as I know they don't regret it. They all seem to have great lives, are supportive of me and my choices and comforted me when I've been upset by things people have said to me about it when I was younger. One of my relatives is especially an inspiration to me and has the best life, amazing friends, a fantastic relationship, comfortable finances and very active at an elderly age.

You are dime a dozen. Honestly, two of my best friends are childfree and if I wasnt as broody as a bloody hen all the time I totally get it (logically). I respect them tonnes for it. Please dont feel like there is anything wrong with you.

I love being a mum but it's something I always wanted. That's why we did it. I dont expect to be less lonely as an older adult because of it. I definetly don't expect grandchildren. Sadly I've worked with a lot of lonely older adults who have children but never see them, so it's really opened my eyes to that.
It is the hardest thing I've ever done and I've aged so much. Don't do it unless you really want them.

Me and DH are both in our 60's, married for 40 years and don't regret our decision not to have children at all.

We discussed it at length which is more than most couples who do have children do it seems.

We both like children but decided for many reasons that they weren't for us.

Never regretted it in the slightest, in fact we both often say "thank goodness we didn't have children". So many of our friends and people we have met over the years say if they could go back in time they would not have any.

We know a lot of childfree couples and they all seem happy whereas most of our friends with children are on 2nd, 3rd or even 4th marriages. They have grown up children and even grandchildren but still seem to get so much hassle, worry and heartbreak from them

I'm rather about the posters who have said if they change their mind they'll just adopt. It really isn't that easy!

@Whatnext8901

I never wanted kids and was always focused on my career and personal goals, by admission I was and still am selfish with my time and energy. Then in 2017 that changed with my first born closely followed by my second. I’m now married with 2 amazing kids. Amazing because they’re mine and I love them both unequivocally, I would die for them both. However, if I could click my fingers and go back to my life before children, you bet your bottom dollar I would, in a flash. Hindsight is a wonderful and completely unrealistic part of human life because you have to live something to know it. Walk a mile in my shoes type of thing. Before kids I would sit and look at friends and family members with young kids and think “nope” my parents would say “oh you’ll change your mind” and I would say “nope”. Not to give you my life story but I did end up with the 2 and I genuinely honestly sit here with nothing but love and care for them but I will never stop pining for my old life back. My time, my energy, my sleep, my sanity. I’m not the same person I was before kids, I’ve lost an edge I had in work, foggy. My marriage has suffered unimaginably since having kids and we’ve discussed divorce a number of times. In my opinion it’s probably a matter of time but right now I’m here because we have young kids together and we’re very financially tied in together. I endure the day to day and I’m never not tired. I’m a very determined person but marriage and children was not for me. By the way I’m 40 and male.

This is so interesting. What made you have them? If you don't mind me asking?

No not regretful I've not had children. Never really seriously entertained the idea...think I knew from quite a young age that it was not for me.

As for old age, unfortunately I know a couple of people whose children are no help at all - or are estranged....there's no guarantees in life. I prefer to spend time nurturing my friendships which are very important to me.

No regrets at all, by choice never was on the agenda, we have a great life ( normally pre Covid ) and if children were on the scene it would be much more restricted