I haven’t got what I wanted from life and don’t know how to accept if

[WhataNCnelly]

If anyone can chat I would be grateful. I’ve NC mostly because I’m embarrassed.

All my life I’ve longed for a marriage and family. I’ve wanted it more than many friends who ended up with it. I used to think about paint colours for rooms in my home, think about surprise trips I would do for a partner and birthday celebrations. I KNOW it isn’t all happy stuff and everyone in a relationship is happy. I know that. But I just wanted to have a go at it, you know? I wanted my turn. I would have put my heart to it.

I got on with my life and I have a nice home and a decent job. I’m ok. I didn’t just pine for a man and do nothing else! But I’m still here and desperately lonely.

Recently I’ve become totally immersed in bitterness which is a new thing. I can’t stand talking about or hearing about people’s marriages or kids or engagements. I feel actual sickness and anger about it. It makes me resentful. Today on a video call at work a colleague was laughing saying me and her need to think ourselves lucky as we are not juggling kids (she’s older and has adult kids). It fucking hurt.

I didn’t want to do it alone and for me it was really about that companionship and a family with it. The void isn’t filled by joining a walking club, getting a new hobby or focusing on myself or loving myself more. It’s a void that remains every moment of everyday no matter how full my life is.

I just don’t know how to accept it, how to not wake up and feel such hurt and anger and bitterness. I never used to be like this and now I’ve simply had enough and can’t see a way forward. I am even withdrawing from friends as I’m scared of hearing about the next milestone knowing I have to celebrate that and at the same time accept it’s a life I will never have. How did I get it so wrong. I must have let good ones go. I didn’t focus on it enough when younger. I am so sad. How can I accept this? I see the life I want everywhere, just not in my own hands and now it’s past the point of being able to have it.

It's not too late. I was single from age 31 to 36. I met DH, married him at 38, had DD at 39.

Have a baby with a sperm donor or some random bloke.
Buy your own house - why havent you? Paint your own walls.
Do you still live with your parents? Stop that now. Move out, have a baby, paint your own walls and start living.
Sorry to be so harsh but theres a lot of ingrained sexism in the thought that you need a man for these things.

OP, I sympathise with how you are feeling. My life hasn’t worked out as I hoped, and I can’t change it (dd died) but I am trying to make the best of my future.

You CAN do everything possible to get what you want. Have a baby using donor sperm if that’s your biggest desire. Sounds crazy but quite easy logistically (I bought donor sperm online...that’s another story). You can meet someone...online dating, through work, hobbies (running, cycling clubs etc).

Don’t give up on yourself, do your absolute best to make the changes and believe that you are worth everything you want and try to make it happen. In a few years you will regret not trying, and you have nothing to lose.

OP loads of us that might appear to have everything you want didn’t necessarily get it in the conventional order (long engagement, choosing house together etc) or the exact way we had hoped. Life can be a muddle but the pieces can still slot together. I think you need to focus on what the end result that you want is - not how you get there.
Maybe it’s a positive that you are having this crisis now - as there IS time to do something about it.

OP how is the rest of your life? Work for example? Your home? Your friends sound awful so you might want to have a think about the company you are keeping. Maybe find a fellow single woman for solidarity and to share all the bad dating stories? Or embark on a home improvement project or similar to give you something to occupy your mind instead of endlessly churning negative thoughts of hopelessness about the future?

I worked with someone who had her first child at 38.You are not old and it could happen.

@WhataNCnelly

I am 38 on Sunday. Everyone - colleagues, friends, media - says at 35 your time is basically up for a family. I’m years past that now. I just don’t know how to get my head around it all. I know it sounds silly but when I think about it I feel actual shock each time... how did this happen? My veins run a bit cold and I hate myself for not just going along with a past relationship which I could have done. I could have just hidden my reservations and so what if I wasn’t actually in love. Who did I think I was looking for that, a companion wound have been good enough.

35 isn’t the drop off a cliff fertility wise we are led to believe That info is from v v v old french data from church records I think of a small village plus up until maybe 10-15 years ago it was just the social norm to have children before 35. If you look back though to generations before women were having babies in their mid forties quite commonly!

@tara66

OP you are full of self pity. There are a lot of people worse off than you.
Stop feeling so sorry for yourself - it's a waste of time and energy!

Such an unfair comment. Her feelings are totally valid, just because many of us can see options for her that she currently feels to upset to see.

OP I know how you feel and I have really been there myself. Life can suddenly change so quickly though (for better or worse) and you could be looking back on today in a years time and things could be very different and hopefully very happy for you.
I have been there where it felt like everyone else was meeting people and marrying and having babies, I couldn’t even get a date! I had been single for years - I would have friends who would split up from serious and long term relationships, be devastated and then have met someone new and be happy within 3 months! I couldn’t even manage a few dates at this point. Things changed so quickly and out of the blue for me (actually by starting at a new company and meeting my now partner)
We had to do things like the baby etc much quicker due to age - sometimes I still feel like I missed out on all those lovely couples breaks, dinners, holidays etc! We had to skip those to have the baby - but I am grateful nonetheless as I know how different my life was just a short time ago and how hope I felt. I often think about if this covid business had happened then when I was single and felt I was in my ‘last possible years’ I think I would’ve really struggled too. Funny how now I feel lucky, 3 years ago in my later 30s and single I felt anything but lucky. Things can change so easily.
Many of those people (as I’m sure you know) who look like they have the perfect lives on the outside really have anything but. Life is up and down for everyone, nothing is permanent, things will be better again - and I hope for you that will soon. Hopefully you will have your changing moment very soon where you just meet someone, it clicks and you’re the one with one of the stories about how a year after meeting you own a home and a newborn and are planning a wedding. I think you just have to make some changes too and take some new opportunities to maximise your chances of the random meeting (for me it was a new job) but of course there are many ways to start to change your course. I do appreciate that it is very difficult now with this pandemic and lockdown, also being a miserable dark and cold January can’t help when things feel bleak. Try and put a plan into action for the spring when hopefully things will be going back to normal, so things you can change to give yourself the option to meet someone new (as well as the online dating too.) meeting new friends - could introduce to new people, or even meeting the guy too. I so hope this works out for you. It’s really not too late - but I get there is time pressure and you might have to step out of your comfort zone and force things more than if they happened organically- but many many people need to do this. I hope you are looking back on this in 6 months/1 years time with very different things going on for you.

35-40 fertility wise you’re most probably ‘ok’
40-42 gets a bit kore difficult
42+ it does decline but not a cliff edge more a slow roll down a hill where you reach the bottom around 44

@WhataNCnelly

I will be 38 on Sunday. I can’t believe this is my life, what a mess I have made.

That's not too old. For marriage or children.

What are you doing to make your wants a reality?
Are you dating seriously?
Have you told family or friends - because they may know suitable partners and can set up a date?

A short pity party is fine, but you are definitely of an age where you are not "down and out". If you're worried about mental health and resentment, go to your GP, get a therapist. But for goodness sake, take action.

Lots of people have their first child in their 40’s. I did! Conceived easily and I met my husband late after decades of being single. My midwife had loads of 40+ first timers on her books.

But it may not happen for you and that is true, I have friends in a similar boat who are now mid 40’s, still single and without their own children. They are lovely people but it just didn’t happen for them but they are happy though.

What you need is some counseling, to help you process it all. One of my close friends did this, it took quite some time but she’s found her peace now. Her therapist unpicked it all with her, as she had similar feelings to you. It is possible to move on from feeling like this.

Another close friend met her life partner at 50. They do not have children but are very happy together. Life does not end at 40 I can assure you.

You will never be younger than you are today OP, so you can waste time bemoaning your bad luck or bad decisions or whatever and becoming bitter about it, or you can say 'Fuck it' and do what you can to change your situation which, whatever you say, is NOT destined to lead to a lonely, childless old age.

I can appreciate that you feel down right now. It's dismal January, you've got a birthday coming up and this sodding pandemic makes meeting someone even harder than it was before, but this is where you are and I'm willing to bet that if you waste time now being bitter and angry you'll regret that even more in 10 years than you do now.

Many women meet a partner at your age or even older and many of them will go on to have a family. A previous poster advised being upfront in your OLD profile and I echo this. Be completely honest about what you want and see what happens. Maybe this guy you're already talking to will be the one and maybe he won't, but one thing is damn sure - wallowing in self pity won't solve anything - nor will allowing desperation or bitterness to take hold. Men can smell them a mile off and they will head for the hills. Imagine a friend was moaning to you about your situation. What would you say to her? I'm willing to bet it's just what many of us are saying to you.

If you're seriously fretting over your own fertility, this is a test that can be done to measure your egg reserve in number and quality www.ivf.com.au/planning-for-pregnancy/female-fertility/ovarian-reserve-amh-test

I had this done at 42 because I was having a little more trouble getting DS2 than I'd had with DS1, and my results were off the charts for my age - I was nearly in the PCOS bracket (which I don't have).

So if you haven't already had that done, it might be reassuring to have it done.

@zafferana

You will never be younger than you are today OP, so you can waste time bemoaning your bad luck or bad decisions or whatever and becoming bitter about it, or you can say 'Fuck it' and do what you can to change your situation which, whatever you say, is NOT destined to lead to a lonely, childless old age.

I can appreciate that you feel down right now. It's dismal January, you've got a birthday coming up and this sodding pandemic makes meeting someone even harder than it was before, but this is where you are and I'm willing to bet that if you waste time now being bitter and angry you'll regret that even more in 10 years than you do now.

Many women meet a partner at your age or even older and many of them will go on to have a family. A previous poster advised being upfront in your OLD profile and I echo this. Be completely honest about what you want and see what happens. Maybe this guy you're already talking to will be the one and maybe he won't, but one thing is damn sure - wallowing in self pity won't solve anything - nor will allowing desperation or bitterness to take hold. Men can smell them a mile off and they will head for the hills. Imagine a friend was moaning to you about your situation. What would you say to her? I'm willing to bet it's just what many of us are saying to you.

Yes! When I was dating online I had a list of "dealbreakers" (e.g. shared values, wants children, feminist, etc. - whatever you really care about or want) and I'd be upfront about some (e.g. looking for relationship) in profile - that was first stage of vetting - and then I'd bring up the others in the first few dates, revisit them if a relationship started, revisit them if getting serious, etc.

Set your high standards and get out there! 😁💪🏼💖🎉

You are far from too old.
Please check out the Conception forum and you will see MANY 40-45 year olds that are trying to and successfully conceiving their first children.

Op, 38 is not too late at all. I’m 43 and still trying for children.

The universe works in wonderful ways and manifesting and believing in you deserve what you desire is a great start. If you feel hopeless and all chance has gone then that is what will happen.

I decided to open my mind to manifesting as I suffer from SAD and struggle desperately in winter. I had tried to accept We wouldn't have children because my DP seemingly wasn't able to. I ordered my self a journal to manifest what I really wanted from life, it arrived the day of my last period, I immersed my self if the guidance and the affirmations - hell I even burnt my feeling under a full moon.

Initially I just thought it was a great way to feel gratitude and positive about all I do have, but what it was really doing was opening me up to receive more. I just found out I'm pregnant. I fully believe it's because of my actions over the last 6 weeks.

Trusted I was worthy, believed I could achieve and decluttered and gave thanks where needed.

It might sound crazy but look into manifesting and the law of attraction. Believe the universe is always supporting you.

It's changed my life in 6 weeks.

@Bubbles1st

The universe works in wonderful ways and manifesting and believing in you deserve what you desire is a great start. If you feel hopeless and all chance has gone then that is what will happen.

I decided to open my mind to manifesting as I suffer from SAD and struggle desperately in winter. I had tried to accept We wouldn't have children because my DP seemingly wasn't able to. I ordered my self a journal to manifest what I really wanted from life, it arrived the day of my last period, I immersed my self if the guidance and the affirmations - hell I even burnt my feeling under a full moon.

Initially I just thought it was a great way to feel gratitude and positive about all I do have, but what it was really doing was opening me up to receive more. I just found out I'm pregnant. I fully believe it's because of my actions over the last 6 weeks.

Trusted I was worthy, believed I could achieve and decluttered and gave thanks where needed.

It might sound crazy but look into manifesting and the law of attraction. Believe the universe is always supporting you.

It's changed my life in 6 weeks.

Excellent post and I couldnt agree more.

The things we tell ourselves in our minds are so important. If you constantly bombard yourself with negative destructive thoughts then its no wonder you fail or find things hard. This is NOT to say a positive attitude is magic by any means but it sure as heck beats a negative one.

No entrepreneurs would exist if they all gave up as soon as things got hard. You have to push through and stay positive and open to possibilities and opportunities. Its hard and its difficult but its so so worth it

Please don't feel that life is over for you at 38. I was single and childless too at that age and spent most of my adult life single. I too yearned for what everyone else seemed to get so easily: a good relationship and kids. I did internet dating, speed dating - the lot. I was still single and childless at 42 although by then I had met the love of my life (we separated a few months later). The reason: I desperately wanted kids; he didn't at all - so I did it myself via a sperm donor. I had my child a few months before I was 43 (the relationship ending during my pregnancy). Despite the loss of the relationship, becoming a mum was the best thing I could have done for me personally. It plunged me into family life which I had yearned for - albeit as a single parent. I'm writing this, not to drone on about myself, but to let you know that you're not alone in feeling the way you do but if you are determined there is a lot you can do to get the things you want. Nowadays, you don't have to find a man in order to have a family. That's what I did up until my forties but then took charge of my life. My friend couldn't bear to be a single mother and didn't meet her now-husband until she was 45. She went on to have twins via donor eggs when she was 50. There are many routes to getting a family and ditching your aloneness. Lick your wounds for now but then channel that hurt, rage and disappointment into getting what YOU want out of life.

@JerichosPenisInADeadChickHat

Come on, meet the man you've been chatting to. You've got time and I know hoards of women having babies at 38+. Hoards of them.

If you want a baby you can have one. All the buying a house, long engagement stuff...forget it. You've got a house, and anyway, it's not the rosy dream you imagine. It's stressful and annoying.

This

One of my best friends is 40 this year, has had a couple of awful relationships but met a gorgeous man 6 months ago who we're all crossing our fingers maybe the one for her. She early on discussed that she wanted kid/s so they're on the same page if things do work out. She has also been saving money (on a relatively low income) so that she is in a position to go it alone and get sperm donation if she needs to. I have another friend of a similar age who has had a child on her own too as was tired of waiting around for the right man. You need to decide what your priority is and focus on how to get there and definitely get some counselling to address your current negative emotions.

Why do you take the words of friends colleagues and the media that you are too old for children but not the doctor and all the tests that have been run on you personally that day you are fine?

Following on from my previous post, having a baby via a sperm donor is not as anonymous as it used to be. I have an adult and child picture of my donor, his family history, an essay about himself and a recorded interview so I could hear what he sounded like. I chose him as I would have chosen someone IRL. I found him physically attractive and liked his personality, values and qualities. He is an Open-ID donor which means my son can contact him when he is 18 (being an anonymous donor is no longer allowed on the UK). My son has lots of half siblings (mainly in the US) and his siblings families and I have a Facebook group. My son is now 14 and has no issues with having a sperm donor father. He's completely open with his friends and views it as an interesting aspect of his life. For support and guidance I can recommend the online groups: single mothers by choice (worldwide but manly US - I felt guided and supported by them through the whole process even when just thinking about it) and the Donor Conception Network (UK).

In the single mum donor conception point- when I was single in my thirties I gave this some thought and decided that child raising alone was not for me. I felt it was raise a child as a couple or not at all, and was fairly at peace with that decision.

As I said, I was lucky enough to meet my husband and we now have DS aged 4. Now that I know the reality of having a child I do still realise how much easier it has been doing it with someone else. But I would tell my previous single self that it IS worth doing even if you have to do it alone.

Both my grandmothers had babies in their 40’s. My cousin had a baby at 43. It’s not impossible.