I haven’t got what I wanted from life and don’t know how to accept if

[WhataNCnelly]

If anyone can chat I would be grateful. I’ve NC mostly because I’m embarrassed.

All my life I’ve longed for a marriage and family. I’ve wanted it more than many friends who ended up with it. I used to think about paint colours for rooms in my home, think about surprise trips I would do for a partner and birthday celebrations. I KNOW it isn’t all happy stuff and everyone in a relationship is happy. I know that. But I just wanted to have a go at it, you know? I wanted my turn. I would have put my heart to it.

I got on with my life and I have a nice home and a decent job. I’m ok. I didn’t just pine for a man and do nothing else! But I’m still here and desperately lonely.

Recently I’ve become totally immersed in bitterness which is a new thing. I can’t stand talking about or hearing about people’s marriages or kids or engagements. I feel actual sickness and anger about it. It makes me resentful. Today on a video call at work a colleague was laughing saying me and her need to think ourselves lucky as we are not juggling kids (she’s older and has adult kids). It fucking hurt.

I didn’t want to do it alone and for me it was really about that companionship and a family with it. The void isn’t filled by joining a walking club, getting a new hobby or focusing on myself or loving myself more. It’s a void that remains every moment of everyday no matter how full my life is.

I just don’t know how to accept it, how to not wake up and feel such hurt and anger and bitterness. I never used to be like this and now I’ve simply had enough and can’t see a way forward. I am even withdrawing from friends as I’m scared of hearing about the next milestone knowing I have to celebrate that and at the same time accept it’s a life I will never have. How did I get it so wrong. I must have let good ones go. I didn’t focus on it enough when younger. I am so sad. How can I accept this? I see the life I want everywhere, just not in my own hands and now it’s past the point of being able to have it.

When I was at baby group with my first I made friends with another mum. She was 42, baby was 4 months when I met her. I was shocked because I was in my twenties and thought she was too! She went on to have another child age 43.

Anecdotal and only one person but at 38 it’s far from over! You need to make it happen!

@WhataNCnelly

How is 38 plenty of time to meet someone, form a relationship, move in, buy a house, get married, have a family? It’s not. Even forgetting house buying or marriage, there’s still no time for most of it. I’m 38... two years from 40. That’s barely any time at all.

OP I hope this will help you, it might not.... but here goes. I was 40 in July. 1st May I met someone, fell pregnant accidentally despite taking morning after pill (just to prove how fertile us older ladies can be!) - sadly I miscarried at 11 weeks.

I’m now back on the old, single and lonely pile AND wanting marriage and children!!

I am absolutely positive it will happen, and my experience of the past year has shown to me how quickly life can change. I know of someone who had their first healthy baby at 47, both doing really well and baby is over 1 yr old now.

I empathise as I’ve felt how you feel now. But please don’t give up, stay positive and be the person you want to be as if you had the husband and children

Within two years of meeting DH I was married and had a baby. I didn't feel we had rushed anything. We're still happily together nearly 25 years later. You need to focus on finding a partner or having children as a single person.
A colleague found her partner online dating during the last lockdown - it can be done

Sorry, but you do sound a bit defeatist.

There are two things here:

1. You can of course still meet someone and marry. Many, many people do so at your age and much, much older.
2. Children: I would say that if you really want children, you should look into doing it alone by donation for example. You can of course become pregnant in your 40's but your fertility is declining. I would do it now if this is a priority to you and it certainly sounds that way.

OP, I wonder if you’d benefit from some counselling about all this? It sounds as though your situation - and all the messages you’re getting from unhelpful people - has made you quite depressed. And when we’re depressed, it’s very hard to see alternatives and solutions.

@WhataNCnelly I appreciate you’re feeling down, but please stop saying ‘I’m old’!!!
You are not, not at all!

I know so many people who’ve met their partners and had children in their 40’s. It’s not unusual at all anymore.
If it’s the life you want, you need to begin trying to make it happen.
I know it’s soul destroying going through the rigmarole of dating (I did online dating between the ages of 34 and 41 after splitting up with my ex husband at 34, and it was exhausting and often awful - I met many, many unsuitable men and like you, never felt I’d meet anyone decent and have the life so many others seemed to have). At 41, I met someone incredible, and got engaged within 6 months. It can happen, but you can’t be passive about it.

Op I know many women who have met and married later in life. And those who have had children over 40! In fact (and I know this is extreme!) I have a good friends who has a cousin in her early 50s who has just had a baby.

A friend of mine at about 38, fell in love with her boss. He’s the absolute love of her life and they had a beautiful baby girl hen she was 40. They are all extremely happy.

It’s not too late. It’s definitely never too late for a happy relationship.

Your attitude absolutely sucks- your 38 not 108!!!! Who's going to want someone who is so bitter and negative!?!

If this is what you want go for it- dating sites, do things that mean you will meet new people. I was divorced by 30 but never thought I wouldn't find my soul mate. Took a few years and a few frogs but perseverance paid off and met a good guy. It was all about investing in this rather than pinning.

As for family freeze your eggs. I agree that 38 is hard to get pregnant. I'm 39 pregnant but had 3 miscarriages before hand. Freeze your eggs now so if you have a baby in your early 40s you have the best chance.

If you want this enough you will get it. But if you wallow in a ball of biter ness and self pity you will end up on your own.

I’m here with some more anecdata, to prove you have time. Please don’t give up.

I met my DH when I was 40. We have a gorgeous daughter. I never thought it would happen and I feel like I’ve won the lottery, every day.

35 has never been The End. My grandmother had my uncle at 45. My great-grandmother had my grandmother at 44.

Im in my 40s. I've done online dating. And I've met more than one man who I couldn't form a relationship with because he wanted children. There are men out there in their late 30s and 40s who are worried they have missed the boat regarding children and are keen to start a family ASAP. A man doesn't have the same biological limits as a woman, but this can encourage some men to delay a bit too long, then suddenly realize they don't want to look like grandad at the school gates.

They are out there. You are not too old. Seize the day

Well OP- no wonder you are miserable. Look at all the gloomy predictions you are speaking over your own life and all the "rules" you have in order for you to be happy:

1. "I'll never meet someone"
2. "I'm over the hill"
3. "its too late to have kids"
4. "I can never be happy without this fantasy view of a future family"
5. "I'm so old"
6. "I'll die miserable and alone"

You are 38, not 70. I know of several people who met people in their late 30s, got married and now have kids.
Part of the reason you are feeling this way is this negative self talk- imagine someone following you around all day saying these things to you?- well thats exactly what you are doing to YOURSELF.
Firstly, you need to change your attitude. You need to flip these statements around into positive ones. Then you need to repeat them to yourself over and over throughout the day. It will feel unnatural at first but after a few days of this, I guarantee you will better and more positive.
Write down your goals. People who write their goals achieve them more often than those who dont. Start planning what steps you need to take to achieve these goals.
Visualise yourself taking these steps to make your goals a reality. Get Paul mcKenna's book and try some self hypnosis. Watch Matthew Hussey on YouTube for some great advice about dating.

For heaven's sake woman!- the world is your oyster. You dont have to live in this cage of misery that you have created for yourself. Open the door and WALK OUT!

I got pregnant using a sperm donor when i was 39. ( partner was infertile). I went for my first consultation in May and was pregnant by September. 38 years old is not too late.

If you want it to happen you have to make it happen. Join a dating site and find a man who shares most of your values, has a decent job, is reliable, and a good friend. Forget about 'falling in love'. IME older single men are very happy to meet women who are not divorced and do not already have children. I am speaking from experience.

Everyone - colleagues, friends, media - says at 35 your time is basically up for a family.
This is arse. Yes, OK, you’re not going to have a long engagement and glorious wedding planning times – quite apart from anything else Covid has put the boot up all that – and you might end up “fast tracking” through the early relationship years to speed ahead to marriage, children, mortgages, etc. But there’s still time.

Personally I would prioritise exactly what you want: partner or children? You might get both, but one has a biological expiration date so you could consider going it alone, especially as I imagine it’s easier to buy some donor sperm than it is to meet a partner in a pandemic.

Most women I know, me included, met our partners very late, and just sort of got on with it – moving in, buying a place, having a baby – within a couple of years, rather than having the luxury of time with just the two of you. Mine isn’t the life I imagined when I was in my 20s, but I wouldn’t swap my particular partner and my particular baby for the opportunity to have done it all with someone else at a younger age.

Birthdays make lots of people despair, particularly when it’s an “approaching a milestone age” one. And the pandemic is making EVERYONE despair. Chin up.

I know of someone who went to Cyprus for IVF and had twins at 58!!! Not for everyone but shows that there is still plenty of time and options!

Hello love.

First of all... it’s NOT too late. I met my husband at 36. Married at 37 and had my son at 38. A friend of mine had twins naturally, at 43. Even if that doesn’t happen for you, there’s a possible partnership/relationship out there for you. It’s just finding it.

No one wants to be alone. Not totally. DH drives me potty at times but at nearly 60, we have a lovely companionship I wouldn’t swap for anything. I know EXACTLY how you feel. I spent much of my 30’s single and everyone thought I must be having the most wonderful time. I’d get the “how come you’ve not been snapped up?” and “are you being too choosy?” I wasn’t. I really wanted “my other half”.

It will come. This Covid nightmare won’t go on forever. It’s knowing where to “look”. And, it may be that the person you meet has children from a previous relationship. For some, not ideal but still... it’s a family unit very common today.

Please don’t feel sad. You’re still young. You really are! It’s all there, in your future, I’m sure .

Op I am sorry you are going through this. The good thing is that your life can change overnight. We never know what is in store for us. I would keep positive and take day by day. I would definitely be proactive in dating and be very clear that you want to marry and have kids. There are men out there who would be wanting the same. You said you are exhausted dating. Take a break if you need to but it may still happen. However, do not bitter because people would read through that and it may prevent you for finding happiness.

[quote WhataNCnelly]@Howmanysleepsnow in 5 years I will be 43! From what I read online most struggle after 35 and by 38 you’re very lucky.[/quote]
I don't want to be insensitive to those struggling to conceive (for that reason, I never say this on here but, for you, I am making an exception):

I got pregnant naturally with twins (!!) at 41, had them at 42, after 2 months of trying.

Get that 35 number out of your head please

I was told in my twenties I'd never conceive.

Relationships haven't worked out.

Mid 30s after years of gynae treatment I started to investigate donor sperm options.

At 39,I finally made that dream a reality. Best decision ever.

Now, I don't need to find someone to have a baby with, I simply have all the time to find someone who is right for me and my family unit... Totally different situation and for me, far more positive.

Have you considered going into motherhood alone?

OP you are full of self pity. There are a lot of people worse off than you.
Stop feeling so sorry for yourself - it's a waste of time and energy!

@tara66

OP you are full of self pity. There are a lot of people worse off than you. Stop feeling so sorry for yourself - it's a waste of time and energy!

That's unfair, given we all often feel slightly maudlin when a big birthday approaches and we review where we're at, often focusing on what we don't have and hoped to have.

From your vantage point of being in a relationship or having had a failed marriage, having children, it's easy to belittle how hard it is if this what you've always wanted.

The pain of infertility, used to literally stab me as though the knife was twisting in me. Try and have some empathy.

Yes, we're all grateful for being alive right now, doesnt mean we cannot mourn for what we thought would be...

It's not too late!

You sound like you're feeling low and I'd really encourage you to get some support.

I had a friend in a similar situation and speaking to a counselor really helped her, she was so set on looking for the perfect man and to a specific time table, scared to take risks with her heart. She found that some of these issues related to her upbringing and teenage years - her parents weren't very demonstrably affectionate and her self esteem had taken a big knock in her teenage years. She was sick of dating.

I agree with PPs, open up you mindset, there will be men happy to settle down quickly. Be honest and open to someone who you may not have considered.

Work on what you want most...is it a child or a relationship? Have one on your own if that's important to you, so many of those on dating sites have kids from previous relationships these days.

Actually, the op is right to feel sad. Many women find their fertility drops off a cliff at 40. I really wish I’d not heeded all the stories of people having babies in their 40s, it just didn’t happen for me, and it doesn’t happen for many. It’s tough, I’ve been there. BUT op, you are only just 38. Make a plan. So hard during these COVID times. Give yourself a time line, with goals. Possibly think about freezing your eggs (then time will be on your side!). With your foresight, op, you’ll be ok. Replace the bitterness with excitement if you can. It’s off putting to everyone, including you. Hypnotherapy for anxiety etc may also help!

I had children very young, got married to a different man years down the line. Divorced. Had another long relationship.. He cheated.. I've just come out of a fairly long relationship. Each time I thought I'd never meet anyone. I do feel absolutely deflated and miserable at the moment but things change. I friends early 40's having kids.. Its possible x

Haven't read all the posts but I felt very much like yourself OP. I decided however that children were a no brainer for me and if I was single I would go it alone. I set an age and if I hadn't met someone I'd have found a donor.

If it's what you really want don't let anything stand in your way x