I haven’t got what I wanted from life and don’t know how to accept if

[WhataNCnelly]

If anyone can chat I would be grateful. I’ve NC mostly because I’m embarrassed.

All my life I’ve longed for a marriage and family. I’ve wanted it more than many friends who ended up with it. I used to think about paint colours for rooms in my home, think about surprise trips I would do for a partner and birthday celebrations. I KNOW it isn’t all happy stuff and everyone in a relationship is happy. I know that. But I just wanted to have a go at it, you know? I wanted my turn. I would have put my heart to it.

I got on with my life and I have a nice home and a decent job. I’m ok. I didn’t just pine for a man and do nothing else! But I’m still here and desperately lonely.

Recently I’ve become totally immersed in bitterness which is a new thing. I can’t stand talking about or hearing about people’s marriages or kids or engagements. I feel actual sickness and anger about it. It makes me resentful. Today on a video call at work a colleague was laughing saying me and her need to think ourselves lucky as we are not juggling kids (she’s older and has adult kids). It fucking hurt.

I didn’t want to do it alone and for me it was really about that companionship and a family with it. The void isn’t filled by joining a walking club, getting a new hobby or focusing on myself or loving myself more. It’s a void that remains every moment of everyday no matter how full my life is.

I just don’t know how to accept it, how to not wake up and feel such hurt and anger and bitterness. I never used to be like this and now I’ve simply had enough and can’t see a way forward. I am even withdrawing from friends as I’m scared of hearing about the next milestone knowing I have to celebrate that and at the same time accept it’s a life I will never have. How did I get it so wrong. I must have let good ones go. I didn’t focus on it enough when younger. I am so sad. How can I accept this? I see the life I want everywhere, just not in my own hands and now it’s past the point of being able to have it.

It's not too late OP - OK you don't have lots of time to hang about, but a partner and family is still very achieveable! Plenty of women have children in their late thirties and early forties these days.

In your position though I would be actively seeking a man and prioritising dating. Using sites that focus on long term relationships/ marriage rather than casual hook ups. And giving people a generous chance (i e not rejecting the) for trivial reasons - whilst keeping standards of course! Good luck

Sorry to hear how you're feeling OP. If it helps, I met, married DH and had a child within 2 years.

It can still be done, but if you want it whilst still fertile (by early forties), you would need to Internet date in an almost business-like fashion, ruling out unsuitables quickly and moving swiftly on to the next potential mate. Have several dates a week (online until Covid's over), as honestly it's simply a numbers game. If you imagine turning one card at a time in a pack of cards, where the aces are suitable mates, the very first card of 52 could be an ace, or all 4 aces might come towards the end of the pack. You just have to keep going and not stop until you fine one that is mutually suitable. There will be men like you, who've wanted a family, but haven't ever met the right person. Don't give up! Good Luck 🍀

Op you are nowhere near too late. The fertility dropping off a cliff at age 35 thing is a bit of a myth. Yes it will start to decline but the vast majority of people have a good few years after that. I had a baby at 37, thought it would take months to get pregnant took, took me two weeks to conceive him. Three of my best friends had a baby aged 40 or 41, one of my colleagues had twins age 47! My mum has friends who have married in their 50s and are now celebrating their silver wedding anniversary. Dont write yourself off at such a young age.
Yes life hasn't gone the way you planned. Most people's don't. Consider what you want to do to change this. Is it more important to have a child then look into adoption, egg freezing, sperm donors and decide whether any of this will work for you. If you want a partner first then I appreciate it is not easy meeting people at the moment but this pandemic won't last for ever. Meet that man you have been talking too. Prioritise opportunities to meet likeminded men.
You can change your situation and you have time but you are the only one who can change it.

Oh and forgot to say, I was also very late thirties.

At your age you can have a child. Several of my friends have had healthy babies into their 40s.
You could even go it alone - I would if i could.

Sadly I'm 44 and childless.
I suffered depression from 34 then had a psychotic breakdown at 36. I was diagnosed with Schizoaffective disorder.
I'd planned to have children in my 30s, technically I could still have a baby now.

But I have epilepsy with the risk of seizures when pregnant as my meds aren't good enough; I have to continue taking my antidepressants which could give a baby heart defects & my anti psychotics will cause the baby to be addicted to them at birth.

Despite taking those meds I'm at high risk of pre or post natal depression & psychosis.
I find it hard to care for myself so would need a lot of support to care for a child & social services would be involved which I wouldn't want.
So a baby is out of the question and when I see babies I feel very very upset & very bitter about it.

I don't really understand why you feel so bad as you are younger, healthy, financially stable.... have a child then look for a man to marry if you want!!
Lots of single mothers meet men like for example the woman next to me has a new boyfriend & 2 sons from 2 old relationships.

I am the same age as you and value my DH and DC above all else and would feel exactly the same as you in your position.

I wanted to acknowledge your feelings without saying but but but as I may not know about your situation but I do know something about life not turning out as planned as I have been living with a Chronic condition which is very debilitating and has changed my life and my dreams of what we'd do as a family. Well meaning people say things basically equating to things could be worse you could be dead (probably a bit dramatic but you get the jist)

Sometimes I just want to acknowledge my situation is hard without a silver lining. However you can also get lost in the bitter feeling of what could have been and I have been working with a counsellor and over time I have been able to challenge my thinking especially as my health will not improve and is very likely to get worse.

You deserve happiness and peace and I hope you find it OP, it takes strength to acknowledge you need help with a way of thinking so I know you can do it as you've taken the first step.

If you want DC that is very doable. I had my first of three at 38 and my third at 44. All conceived naturally without any assistance.

If you want a man to go with the DC that is doable at any age!

Would having a child by AID be any good for you?

When I was reading your post saying you are too old now, I assumed you were much older than 38.

At 38, you still have time. You don't have time to lose, but you have time.

Honestly everyone I know who has settled down and had a family has really proactively sought it out.

I know covid has made everything hard, but if I was single at 38 in non covid times, I'd be going on several dates a week. I'd approach it like I was job hunting.

And yes, many of us feel robbed of the life we wanted. ExH turned out to be a cheat and an abuser and I have never wanted another relationship because I could never trust anyone again, one of my DC has additional needs and I will worry about him as long as I am alive. Having DC and a useless exH cost me a high flying career to the point of having a breakdown.

It takes time and a certain dogged fuck you attitude, but the life I have now at sixty is definitely the best part of my life so far. You need to choose what you want and go for it. Having a purpose makes life better.

Only 38, it’s not that bad, my aunt met someone at 40 and at 42 accidentally fell pregnant, 21 years later and they are still a happy family. Whose to say that can’t happen for you?

Firstly it may not be too late. Secondly, you could have many of the things you want but in a different way to how you planned. You’re right it isn’t your exact dream. It is perfectly reasonable to grieve that but don’t let it stop you having a good life.

You could -

Have a baby with a donor or a friend
As they get a little older meet the man of your dreams
Grow old together

Or
Meet the man of your dreams
Get married
Adopt together

I know it’s so hard but I think the rigidity of your happy ever after is blocking you from other happy situations.

Another one coming on to say it’s not too late. I met my husband at the same age and now have 2 children

These anecdotes aren't helpful.
The reality is that being single at 38 is fucking hard, and if you aren't even close to your life goals then things really can feel hopeless.
My soulmate died in my late 20s, our long engagement, lovely marriage and house was snatched away, 1 long failed relationship later and I was 38, living back at home with nothing.
Dating at this age is horrific and by the time I turned 40 I was even lower than when I lost my partner.
I have met someone now, It's not what i expected, he doesn't want more kids so that's not on the cards, at 42 I'm pushing it and I know I would rather have an amazing relationship with someone that loves me than become an older single mum. (No reflection on older single mums, I've seen how my friends struggle at times and I don't want that now)
I found it was acceptance that made me start living again, and to be honest I'm bloody happy now.

You sound like your own perfectionism is getting in the way of you having what you want. You want it to happen exactly the way you imagined or not at all. You need to let go of what you can't have (the idealized romance-story nonsense...) you must stay true to the side of yourself that made a decision to focus on other things in life, own that choice and focus on what you can have (everything you say you want, sans the fluff). 38 is definitely not too late but from the way you've responded to other suggestions it sounds like you don't really want a DP, just DCs and a cardboard cut-out man who fits your vision. If you really want love go and find it. I know loads of people who conceived in their early forties.

You still have time but you need to get cracking on the dating. I met my husband right before my 36th birthday after being single 5 years. By my 38th birthday I was engaged and pregnant. Married then had another baby at 40. You do have time but need to really go on a lot of dates, and believe me I know what it is to be utterly sick of dating and think it has all passed you by.

Be kind to yourself OP. Yes you are older but you haven’t failed and there is still time to create a life closer to what you want.

@Blueskysunsout

It’s NOT your fault. You’ve done what you felt was right at the time for you.

This. If you had 'settled' you would just be living with different regrets.

In your shoes, if I had some money, I’d freeze some eggs. It’ll give you a better idea of your fertility, and it’s not a 100% failsafe but it’ll give you the possibility that if you meet someone or decide to go it alone in a few years there’s a chance of using your younger eggs to do so.

The vast majority of women are still fertile at 38. Fertility does, however, decline steeply in a woman’s early 40s (although many aged 40+ women are still able to have a baby).

If you can’t or don’t want to freeze your eggs I’d at least get your AMH tested if you haven’t already- that will give you some indication of what your ovarian reserve is.

I’m dealing with infertility and coming to terms with the possibility of childlessness is incredibly hard, but there are things you can do to give yourself the best chance.

If, on the other hand, you decide that your priority is a relationship and with a good relationship you’d be happy with no children/ only step children then you have lots of time to meet someone, I know a couple who met in their 50s, married at around 60 and spent many happy years together.

I very much agree with @empiricallyyours

It may not sound romantic, but it will be when you find the right one. Don’t worry about impressing them, just worry about finding the right one for you.

@WhataNCnelly

How is 38 plenty of time to meet someone, form a relationship, move in, buy a house, get married, have a family? It’s not. Even forgetting house buying or marriage, there’s still no time for most of it. I’m 38... two years from 40. That’s barely any time at all.

I know for a fact it's not too late as I was that old when I met my husband. We dated, eventually got engaged, eventually got married, eventually had kids.

You have enough time.

What I would say is that life will never ever ever be like the picture in your head. It's physically impossible as one is life and one is fiction.

Sending you hugs as it sounds really hard - especially in this s* show of a pandemic xxxxx

@LaurieFairyCake

You're right - it is too late to do it in the rigid way you had planned

So do it the 38 year old way 🤷‍♀️

Buy some sperm, have a baby. Have a short shagathon with someone handsome enough you think has good genes, have a baby.

Have the baby first.

Then meet a bloke later (there's ALWAYS blokes, even when you're 90).

You've very few years of baby making so if you really want one, JUST HAVE ONE.

@LaurieFairyCake - exactly what you said ❤️❤️❤️

I think you look it dead in the eye, OP. You don't have the things you want and may never have (who knows). Face it, grieve it but do not allow it to blind you to the areas where there can be happiness.

It is sad that you don't have the kind of life you want or value. But it's sadder still to allow that to rob you of the life you have.

Are you still reading @WhataNCnelly? Has any of this helped?

@WhataNCnelly

How is 38 plenty of time to meet someone, form a relationship, move in, buy a house, get married, have a family? It’s not. Even forgetting house buying or marriage, there’s still no time for most of it. I’m 38... two years from 40. That’s barely any time at all.

OP my Sil was pretty much the same age as you when my second dc was born. She sat and sobbed when she came to visit us in the hospital as she said it would never happen to her. She was late 30’s single, had split up from long term shitty partner a few years before.

Fast forward a few years (over 10), she met someone at work, they moved in together fairly soon and now is happy with 2 dcs. She was 40+ when she had both kids.

Don’t give up....