I haven’t got what I wanted from life and don’t know how to accept if

[WhataNCnelly]

If anyone can chat I would be grateful. I’ve NC mostly because I’m embarrassed.

All my life I’ve longed for a marriage and family. I’ve wanted it more than many friends who ended up with it. I used to think about paint colours for rooms in my home, think about surprise trips I would do for a partner and birthday celebrations. I KNOW it isn’t all happy stuff and everyone in a relationship is happy. I know that. But I just wanted to have a go at it, you know? I wanted my turn. I would have put my heart to it.

I got on with my life and I have a nice home and a decent job. I’m ok. I didn’t just pine for a man and do nothing else! But I’m still here and desperately lonely.

Recently I’ve become totally immersed in bitterness which is a new thing. I can’t stand talking about or hearing about people’s marriages or kids or engagements. I feel actual sickness and anger about it. It makes me resentful. Today on a video call at work a colleague was laughing saying me and her need to think ourselves lucky as we are not juggling kids (she’s older and has adult kids). It fucking hurt.

I didn’t want to do it alone and for me it was really about that companionship and a family with it. The void isn’t filled by joining a walking club, getting a new hobby or focusing on myself or loving myself more. It’s a void that remains every moment of everyday no matter how full my life is.

I just don’t know how to accept it, how to not wake up and feel such hurt and anger and bitterness. I never used to be like this and now I’ve simply had enough and can’t see a way forward. I am even withdrawing from friends as I’m scared of hearing about the next milestone knowing I have to celebrate that and at the same time accept it’s a life I will never have. How did I get it so wrong. I must have let good ones go. I didn’t focus on it enough when younger. I am so sad. How can I accept this? I see the life I want everywhere, just not in my own hands and now it’s past the point of being able to have it.

I'm not always the best at giving advice but have you ever thought of having a little one by yourself? My NCT class had two single mums who at 40 chose to do it by themselves as they just hadn't met the right person.

One of them is actually dating someone now.

@FionatheCat

35-40 fertility wise you’re most probably ‘ok’ 40-42 gets a bit kore difficult 42+ it does decline but not a cliff edge more a slow roll down a hill where you reach the bottom around 44

Well that’s depressing for those 43 and over.

Ok, I understand you and I'm just 27... I get your point. But the same thing I'm telling myself I will tell you as well.
Everything happens for a reason.
We have to love ourselves first before someone would love us.
You are only 38..I have been in a long-term relationship and it ended up bad.
I live in a woman shelter with my two boys age 1 and 2. Did I wanted this life? Hell no!
Every day I'm struggling and crying that why I couldn't have had the family and the husband I wanted? Happy life?
And honestly I don't know 100% why I ended up like this.. but I have to accept it and more forward..
In your case Hun, be more gentle and more loving to yourself.. it's not your fault..
We really have to just be more loving to ourselves first.. and you have many options...and whoever said that after 35 you cannot have kids is bulshit..is it more risky to have kids? Yeah..but that doesn't mean you cannot have one..my good friend was giving birth at age 39... So don't worry..give yourself time and space to look after yourself and love yourself..then the right person will find you ❤️

Please don’t give up hope. A friend of mine met her now husband at 42 and had a child at 44. She is blissfully happy.

@Italiangreyhound wow well done

I have a good friend who felt just like you on her 40th birthday. A few months later she met someone and a few years later she is now married with two children. I've had two children in my 40s too.

Also, have you read the book Bolder? It made me look at getting older in a different way...

Did you post a few weeks ago ? Just remember reading a similar post thats all.Anyway you are not too old at all at 37/38.Life is not a tick list! .My Cousin married in her 40s .Very happy ,lots of holidays together, and a nice home .lots of chums! Take heart ,many nice chaps both single/divorced/widowed .With or without DC of their own .Lots of people probably regret settling down too early as well .

You are certainly not too old, I am on my own have been for many years and you are a lot younger than me, the past year and now have totally changed our lives so maybe that has impacted the way you are feeling now.
Never give up, that certain person could be just around the corner and a new life with children could begin. Best of luck.

OP i just wanted to swing by and tell you not to give up on achieving your happy ending. My best friend felt the same at 38, she's now 40. Has a 1 year old and is happily settled with her partner of 18 months.

I think very few people have the experience of life of everything working out perfectly how we planned or wanted. But we are sort of fed that myth and feel like it 'should' be like that. I think I would feel the same as you in your position but you have a choice; either slowly get wound up and more bitter or try and change the things you can change. You can't reverse time and have the slow engagement, marriage and then kids a few years after at your age but you can make steps now towards achieving what you do want. You can't even guarantee meeting a partner and having children within the time frame but if you do want to be a mother you probably do have time to make that happen if you act now. I wouldn't be comfy just shagging someone to get pregnant either but I think I would probably go down the sperm donation route. It may not be your ideal scenario but it could give you the family you crave and in moving towards your happiness proactively you will be moving life forward and getting out of this feeling of life being stalled. I think it's completely rational to be feeling as you do but I think to move forward you have to be brave

Also I know fertility can be complex and varies but I got pregnant thr first month trying twice when over 35.

@WhataNCnelly

How is 38 plenty of time to meet someone, form a relationship, move in, buy a house, get married, have a family? It’s not. Even forgetting house buying or marriage, there’s still no time for most of it. I’m 38... two years from 40. That’s barely any time at all.

Ok, I was younger than you admittedly but I met a man, we moved in together 6 weeks after starting dating and I got pregnant the weekend he moved in. We're still together 20 years later.

I know that's maybe not ideal and I know it's not common but it can happen.

I have a friend who was ina very similar position to you and a similar age (37 I think) and was looking at adopting as a single woman. Then met a man, whirlwind romance and had a baby last year at the age of 39.

Another friend of mine in her early 50s, ok doesn't have kids. But met the love of her life 18 months ago and they are seriously the most romantic couple I know. They make each other treasure hunts for their birthdays!

I haven't really got any advice about meeting men, etc. I'm sure you've heard all the join a gym, online dating, join sports clubs advice and done all that. But I just wanted to say although time might be ticking the clock is not up.

OP you are NOT too old. Please believe me.
I think I know how you feel because I used to have these thoughts too. I was painfully lonely and upset all the time, although I didn't show it to the outside world.

I met my now husband the month before I turned 37, so not much younger than you are now. Also, due to complications, it took us more than a year to get together.
We ended up getting married when I was 40 and I have two children, born when I was 41 and 43.
I am only telling you my story to say that there is most definitely hope. Yes, there isn't time to hang around, but there is hope!

My advice is to prioritise finding a partner. Sign up to lots of dating sites, get out there and socialise, even if you don't feel like it. You won't meet anyone sat at home. Be prepared to go on lots of dates. Be ruthless. If they aren't on the same page as you, move on!

I used to feel so hurt about comments like the one you describe. People just don't think. I also got sick of people asking if I had/wanted children. It really hurt. You deserve all the things you want. You really do. I hope it happens for you.

I buried my head in the sand, ignored the red flags, ignored the fact I didn't really love the guy, determined to have the things I wanted...house, marriage, kids.
OP I wish every day I hadn't done that. I'm 39 now, separated, I had to get out of a very bad marriage.
I wish I hadn't inflicted this on my children, because of my selfish desire to have the life I wanted.
Yes, I know the risk is I might never have met someone else, but I honestly think I would have tried to build a family by adoption or sperm donor if that had happened.
Hey, being a single parent would have been easier than co parenting with the man I did marry! And I had so many unhappy years in that marriage.
In a way I feel cheated of the life I wanted for myself. I wanted all the things you want, but I did them all with the wrong man who I am now tied to forever.

Ok, so let's take Meghan Markle for example. She was 36 I think when she met Prince Harry?

And now let's talk about someone ordinary. A friend in Australia has had a son via sperm donor, aged 45. Another friend got pregnant from a fling on holiday aged 43 and kept the baby - never met anyone else but 13 years on, says her child is the best thing she ever did.

I am much, much older than you and I think you have taken this age of 35 that is so talked about in the media and used it to draw yourself a line. Ignore that 35, please!! And the friend who said men would be scared of you because they'd know you want a baby? Well there are plenty of single men out there who also want children. I think rather than hide the fact that you want a family, be upfront about it. That way, if they don't want that too, then you've weeded them out before you spend your time on them.

Honestly, gather up your energy, sign up for some dating sites - try the smaller ones as well as the big names, and give it another go.

38 is absolutely not too old to build yourself a family. Frankly, you don't even need a man for that if you don't want.

Ok, OP, 38 I'm struggling to feel sorry for you as you're only 38!

If you want to have a relationship, go out and date and keep dating till you find one. Be more realistic this time about what you could settle for vs absolute dealbreakers, since what you really want is companionship, and a family.

No one is guaranteed a big love - but there are enough tools and options out there to help you meet someone and start a comfortable, easy relationship. It's a very defeatist attitude to think that it's all passed you by - you're likely going to live for another 40 years! And you could try to have a child pretty quickly if you meet someone who wants the same.

Bitterness at 38 isn't attractive. Life may not have worked out exactly as planned but this isn't completely out of your control. Yes, you'll have to work a bit harder on the dating front once you're older, and maybe settle for a bit less - but if it's just companionship you crave, that can be ok. Or you might find exactly what you want.

Prioritise dating as you did your career. Even e-dating can work if you're in lockdown. Stay single minded in your focus to meet someone. But don't just get bitter and resentful because you're just losing more time this way.

I can completely and utterly understand where you’re coming from OP, so empathise wholly.

I’m 42, single, no kids and only recently bought my own house after coming out of yet another shitty relationship. When I was in my late 30’s I had this painful longing for a relationship, it’s hard to explain but it was a desperation I’ve never felt before (much like you’re describing). I threw myself in OLD and into a toxic and abusive relationship as I was sure no one else would want me and my time was running out, I felt I HAD to be married by the time I was 40. Thankfully that relationship ended so back into OLD I went, more shitty experiences of ghosting/being stood up/dick pics galore! I then met my previous ex who was straight out of a marriage and used me as an emotional crutch whilst he went through a messy divorce and custody battle, once that was sorted I was chucked. I haven’t dated since, in 18 months.

I bought my house after my last break up which was bitter sweet, I always dreamed of buying with someone. I’ve dreamt of my engagement and wedding since a little girl and have now come to terms that might never happen...it’s very hard. So I understand and also get VERY angry with friends telling me I’m lucky to be on my own and men are all idiots! The loneliness is so painful though and the weekends are long when you have no one to spend them with and have to see happy families doing family things! I even get jealous of the family arguments I hear and exhaustion they talk about!

My advice would be to stop putting pressure on yourself, step away from OLD (if that’s what you’re doing) for a few months and if possible seek some emotional support.

I wish there was a support group for people like us, I’ve always felt it was just me feeling like this! I think a group of like minded people would be the best therapy.

@ReallySpicyCurry

There ARE always blokes if you want one. Never a truer word.

There's something to be said for meeting one post baby. I was a single mother when I met DH and actually it was great for our relationship as DD's dad wasn't in the picture, so I got all the benefits of having a partner around without the crash course in how not to kill each other at 4am when the baby won't sleep. It's fine. Honestly. And being a single mother was fine too. No matter what way you do life there'll always be hard bits and unexpected bits. And most things in life you can change at some point but your fertility isn't one of them, once it's gone it's gone. In your shoes I'd absolutely have the baby, frankly.

There is the option of IVF......

You do still have time. Yes, I was younger (early 30’s) but I met my husband online dating, we moved into together (renting) after 3m, knew we didn’t want to hang around and was discussing our future and getting married at 8m togetger. He proposed that Xmas, got married in Feb the year after got pregnant in September that year and purchased a house in March the year after. It can happen. However, you have to play an active role in trying to make it happen if you really want to find that special someone. Are you joined to any reputable online dating sites (where you pay so people are more serious)? This is a good starting point. You have to invest to get what you want. Never say never.

OK, you seem to view this as an end point rather than a process ie the house, marriage and children. What does all of that actually mean to you? And what do you feel has influenced you away from getting it? I understand both the pain of feeling you’ve missed out on something and the sense of urgency about fertility. I suppose I notice that sense of you feeling the ‘package’ for want of a better word is out of reach, as though it’s an exam some people pass and others don’t. I see relationships, marriages and children as complex and unpredictable things rather than something to achieve or not. What would you like from a relationship other than children? If it’s mainly a relationship you want, that’s one journey. If the desire for a child is paramount, well, that’s another sort of decision. Sorry if this comes across as unsympathetic, it’s not intended to. It’s just that when we get stuck in this kind of emotional loop, it’s sometimes useful to think beyond the either/or and more about what those things symbolise to us.

In your position I would find a reputable paid dating site and decide what exactly you are looking for in a husband in terms of shared interests, values etc

Absolutely. If your goal is to have a family, look for a man who wants to have a family. Don’t look for the dreamers, ditch the timewasters...and be upfront about what you are looking for. You maybe have to accept that you won’t get the grand passion that you see in films....but I’m not sure that real life is like that for most people. This man you’ve been chatting to sounds like a decent bet. Give it a proper go with him. Be positive rather than negative about it: there’s a nice man on the scene who seems to want what you do.

They do exist. I have a lovely friend; he’s mid 40s. Very successful professional. He’s not a stunner, so lacks confidence with women - but is a genuinely lovely man, who would love to have a family and have someone to share his success with. He’s just let his 20s and 30s go by sitting in an office until late and now feels down that he’s missed his chance to meet someone vaguely his own age. I’ve given similar advice to him, OP. So they are out there....

Nobody is ruling out marriage and DC but you op. We are you your most negative critic?
You need to be your best friend! Work on that first!

I had 2 DC in my late 30s when I was 38 and another born just a month before my 40 th birthday.

Stop writing yourself off, it's not doing you any good whatsoever.

I've also seen some women who can't have kids, so we all have different things in life, these days I realised to be grateful and appreciate what I have. rather than keep looking at other people. I noticed there is always someone else who appears to have more than me. but not necessarily peace and happiness. sometimes its just a 'show'.

*things is not the correct word, perhaps blessings/family etc,...

also the ones with kids and family, i know a few people who now don't have a job. they are on benefits due to no employment. it can be hard to raise a family on benefits. so everyone has it tough, we just need to make ourselves happy. otherwise this is how depression takes over us and GP hand out pills.