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Dp keeps saying this and it's making me angry.

138 replies

xatcat · 10/01/2021 07:29

He keeps saying that I had a baby with him ( our first ) just to trap him.

He always says it jokingly but it really annoys me.

For context I was 19 when I accidentally fell pregnant. Me and dp had only been seeing each other for 10 months.

This was 11 years ago and he often brings it up.

What really annoys me is that he was a few years older than me so I feel he's blaming it all on me when he knew exactly what could happen.

I was also taking contraceptives, which he also thinks I stopped taking to fall pregnant.

How annoyed would this comment make you?

OP posts:
WiseOwlRelaxing · 10/01/2021 10:24

''Or when he says 'trapped' does he actually mean he slept with a younger and less experienced woman, opted out of making all contraceptive decisions and has resented her ever since for a contraceptive failure because he's a passive aggressive prick.''

in a nutshell

noirchatsdeux · 10/01/2021 10:25

My mother met my father in the January, and was 3 months pregnant with my older brother in the December. She was 24 and my father had just turned 19 (he lied about his age when they met). My father 'had' to marry my mother as this was the late 60s and my mother is Catholic...

My father had his first affair when I was about 4. They had moved back to my home country just before I was born as their prospects were far better there...my older brother was 10 (I was 9) when my father started being very discontented with the country, to the point he refused citizenship when it was offered to him ...he got a job working abroad and basically lived as a single man from then on. My parents finally divorced when I was 21 and he left my mother for another woman.

I would bet if you asked my father he would say that my mother 'trapped' him by getting pregnant with my older brother. I wish to God my mother had had the sense to divorce him when I was 9, when he made it crystal clear that he had checked out of family life.

I would start making sure that you and your children will be financially secure if he does (when he does) leave.

Haggertyjane · 10/01/2021 10:31

I would say....

If I hadn't accidentally got pregnant I'd be married to someone far better than you.

Very hurtful and when he tells you so, ask him how his comments make you feel?

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Chickenwing · 10/01/2021 10:31

The next time he says it lose your shit! Tell him its a fucking awful thing to say and if he genuinely believes that he should leave.

Azerothi · 10/01/2021 10:33

Do you and your boyfriend live together? I don't think you made that clear? I would be very insulted for my first child if anyone said that about him, honestly, it's a disgraceful thing to say about his child.

Did your boyfriend generally lack the intelligence to know how babies are made in his mid-twenties?

NataliaOsipova · 10/01/2021 10:39

@Ihatemyseleffordoingthis

You were 19 and he was 25? He trapped you more like.
Actually - this is an extremely good point....
Nanny0gg · 10/01/2021 10:39

[quote xatcat]@VettiyaIruken that's exactly the impression I get. He resents me for 'trapping' him when he was free before.

He makes out all the stress and problems that come with raising children is all my fault as I ' got myself pregnant' ( his own words ) [/quote]
Does he understand how pregnancy works?

He didn't want a baby? He had two choices- contraception or abstinence.

Seeingadistance · 10/01/2021 10:43

@Eckhart

'Leave, or stop putting the responsibility on me. Otherwise I will leave you.'

On repeat.

This.

Or LTB. What are arsehole he is!

Cokie3 · 10/01/2021 10:51

'Never a truer word said in jest' as they say. OP, he truly believes it. He truly does. He wouldn't keep saying it otherwise. Most men who have children with their partners don't accuse/joke that their partner did it on purpose. That is not normal.

I told him he's free to leave. His reply ' I'm not someone who will just walk out on my family.'

Wow. Not one mention of "I love you", or "I want to be with you, I don't want to leave". He never mentioned you. Just a cold, clinical 'I'm not someone who will just walk out on my family'. He couldn't state more clearly he is just with you 'for the sake of the kids' could he? That sentence said everything. He's not with you because he wants to be with you, he is with you 'for the sake of the family'. Charming. If my DH said that to me, I don't know what I would say back, but it wouldn't be pretty and I would be in tears and shouting. Ironically also that he feigns 'commitment' to his family, yet is he at all committed to you? I mean, I assume by 'DP' you are not married? If not you can say to him "you never committed to your family, you didn't ask me to marry you, so how are you trapped?" "We're not married, you can leave at any time."

And if HE didn't wear a condom then maybe you should say to him "maybe you trapped me, that's why you didn't wear a condom because you know deep down I wouldn't be with you if you hadn't got me pregnant, and I was your last hope of having a woman". As another poster said, I would ask him if he would like to repeat his 'joke' in front of his own children. Because sooner or later they will overhear or find out when they get older.

He truly resents you and truly, genuinely believes you got pregnant on purpose. He honestly does, this is clear. And I could not stay with a man who thought so little of me, who resented his family with me, and who basically said he is only with me for the sake of the kids. Kick him out and tell him, "now you don't get a say in 'walking out' because I am kicking you out".

Soutiner · 10/01/2021 10:55

What is his mother’s take on all this?

If my 25 year old son got his much younger girlfriend pregnant I would support him after giving him an earful of how irresponsible HE was.

RockinDobbin · 10/01/2021 11:10

Trapped him eh. Release him back into the wild, I think you're supposed to travel a distance away from home.

In all seriousness, I could not tolerate this. There's no joke there, it's just a way to try and rewrite history and create a narrative that he was the unwitting victim and how he has sacrificed his freedom. You could truthfully say he got a teenager pregnant when he was mid-twenties.

Joeblack066 · 10/01/2021 11:12

@SaltedCaramelIcedLatte

What an arse, tell him he is free to leave anytime.
Yep this. Tell he can therefore consider himself untracked. Byeeeee!
Forgothowmuchlhatehomeschoolin · 10/01/2021 11:14

"You know where the door is" would be my reply.
Maybe a joke the first time but eleven years on? That is not funny especially if your lovely daughter has heard it.

lottiegarbanzo · 10/01/2021 11:16

Annoyed??? It would make me hate him. He clearly resents and despises you. What kind of relationship is that?

He can easily be a good father to his DC while living separately, giving you and himself the chance to find a relationship that makes you happy.

The 'entrapment' narrative is a classic misogynist trope and a blatant, openly stated, double standard. It's a lot like the classic rape myths. So, because a tiny minority of women have deliberately stopped taking contraception in order to get pregnant, hoping to 'trap' the father, the misogynist says this is common behaviour and the most likely explanation for an unexpected pregnancy. Similarly, because a teeny tiny number of women have 'cried rape' after regretting consensual sex, the misogynist chooses to believe that this is what has happened in many or most cases where a woman reports a rape.

The entrapment narrative is closely linked to the Madonna / whore complex. That is, a man should be free to sow his wild oats until he's ready to settle down. At that point he will choose a 'Madonna', a wholesome, lovely, reliable mother-figure for his children, and himself. She might not be the sexiest woman he's slept with and she should have shagged far fewer people than he has.

Therefore, every woman he sleeps with in his 'wild oats' phase is, as demonstrated by her willingness to have sex with him, a whore. Whores are, by definition, wicked and unreliable. A self-styled 'normal decent man' wouldn't want to get stuck with one. To him, you are a whore. Your thoughts and actions are inherently wicked. Therefore, your becoming pregnant could only have been an action of deliberate wickedness.

On the other hand, if he didn't want to risk pregnancy, he could have kept it in his pants.

HappyintheHills · 10/01/2021 11:18

He was 25 and you were 19?

You took some responsibility for contraception; did he?

Lemonpiano · 10/01/2021 11:20

I would not have put up with this for a decade.

lottiegarbanzo · 10/01/2021 11:23

Oh and of course the 'wouldn't walk out on my family' line is all about his moral superiority over whorish, degenerate, witchy, entrapping little you. His 'self-styled decent man' narrative. He cannot accept responsibility because that would dent his proud self-image.

Ihatemyseleffordoingthis · 10/01/2021 11:29

"wouldn't walk out on my family" is particularly cruel and horrible tbh. It is the opposite of reassurance. It signals that he could and he might want to and he might.

PaigeMatthews · 10/01/2021 11:33

@Ihatemyseleffordoingthis

"wouldn't walk out on my family" is particularly cruel and horrible tbh. It is the opposite of reassurance. It signals that he could and he might want to and he might.
And using language that firmly shows everyone he was a victim in it all and just wanted to do the right thing, despite considerable personal sacrifice.
Cailleach · 10/01/2021 11:45

He is telling you over and over again that he does not love you.

He will leave you as soon as the kids can support themselves - you should be aware of this and make your plans accordingly. Above all, be prepared to be completely self-sufficient in the future - possibly sooner rather than later.

JovialNickname · 10/01/2021 11:56

I suppose if you really wanted to drive the point home you could respond (in front of people) by saying how horrified you were to find out it was his baby, as you'd thought and hoped it was someone else's. But it wasn't so you got stuck with him!! See how funny he finds that joke Grin

lottiegarbanzo · 10/01/2021 11:56

Oh and while he could have used a condom, that would have made him jointly responsible for any contraceptive failure and its consequences. It would be the sort of thing a partner, a man who respects women and cares about his girlfriend as a person, would do. Much easier to make the woman responsible for everything to do with pregnancy and children, then play the honorable victim.

Btw, do you think he's been faithful during your relationship? There's nothing in what he's said to suggest he would believe he should be. Entrapment is practical and financial. A lesser person, such as you, cannot tell someone like him where he can and cannot put his dick.

lottiegarbanzo · 10/01/2021 11:58

And sorry to keep being so blunt and crude. But he is an obvious and not uncommon 'type' and you don't seem to recognise that that is what you are dealing with.

Offskki · 10/01/2021 11:59

He was 25. I do wonder if he says it as he's worried other people might think he was too old to be going out with a 19 year old.

Are you tempted to turn to him and quietly muse out loud, "Do you ever wonder what people think nowadays about a 25 year old man getting a teenager pregnant?".

Offskki · 10/01/2021 12:02

It did get to the point where I told him he's free to leave. His reply ' I'm not someone who will just walk out on my family.

Also, "leaving a relationship" is not equal to "walking out on your family". Perfectly possible for you two to split up and for him to still be a dad.

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