Dp keeps saying this and it's making me angry.

[xatcat]

He keeps saying that I had a baby with him ( our first ) just to trap him.

He always says it jokingly but it really annoys me.

For context I was 19 when I accidentally fell pregnant. Me and dp had only been seeing each other for 10 months.

This was 11 years ago and he often brings it up.

What really annoys me is that he was a few years older than me so I feel he's blaming it all on me when he knew exactly what could happen.

I was also taking contraceptives, which he also thinks I stopped taking to fall pregnant.

How annoyed would this comment make you?

“You keep saying I trapped you which is completely untrue so the only way to prove I didn’t is to set you free.

Please get your things out of here by the end of the week and pay X amount in child maintenance each week/month as I know you wouldn’t let them down as you love them so much.

Which weekend do you want to start off having them to stay over in your new place?”

Sorry, OP, but he sounds vile.

He must think he’s some great catch that you would go so far as to bring another human being into the world in order to make sure he didn’t leave you.

Yuk.

@chairthistle

Play him at his own game, introduce him to people as your first husband.

totally this!

I would be making lots of “grown adult man getting a teenager pregnant” ‘jokes’ to see how he likes that.

What a prick.

Can you sit him down and tell him how much it upsets you. Make that really clear. Any decent and kind partner would then stop saying it. If he doesn’t stop saying it then he is not very kind or nice. Then you takes your choice.

Ps I would do that and play it straight rather than undermine him back - that will just lead to more nastiness.

As the saying goes, "Many a true word said in jest".
OP, it it were me I'd want to thrash this out once and for all and really get to the root of why he keep making that "joke". Even if he's happy with the relationship (is he?), it could be that part of him regrets having children so early in the relationship or in his life. But it's not on to keep bringing it up in that way, and if he's going to it needs to be in a mature way. Unless there's a real reason he feels let down, eg you forgot to take your pill/didn't use contraception properly, then he needs to be reminded that it takes 2 to produce a baby and that contraception isn't 100% reliable.

It did get to the point where I told him he's free to leave. His reply ' I'm not someone who will just walk out on my family.

@xatcat
Tell him he has misunderstood your tone and seriousness and that it isn't a decision that will be his to make if he repeats that. He will be a man who got thrown out by his former wife after he once again decided for reasons known only to himself to insult an denigrate her and speak of their relationship in terms of a trap and all that that implies.

Invite him to sit the oldest child down and make the remark to his or her face.

I too would gave a calm direct conversation with him.

Tell him calmly how it makes you feel. Ask him in an open way whether, the children aside, he actually wants to be in a relationship with you.

And if he does he needs to stop saying this.

Tell him he either believes you that it was a genuine accident or he does not. That you cannot and will not live with the constant implied accusation and the constant reminder from him that he is only with you because if the pregnancy.

He needs to know how you feel, you need to know his true intentions.

Don’t play games. One person spewing passive aggressive shit into a relationship is enough.

@Respectabitch

He said what?

He means it, you know. He truly believes that you lied to him and stopped contraception behind his back. He resents you and your child and doesn't take responsibility.

I couldn't stay in that relationship. I could not love someone who believed me to be a liar.

This and if you leave him, I think there's a chance he would quibble and eventually stop paying any child support as why should he when you trapped him anyway.

He makes out all the stress and problems that come with raising children is all my fault as I ' got myself pregnant' ( his own words )

He is going to love visitation every other weekend, but it's going to be hard for him to understand how you got yourself divorced.

This isn't really a joke, is it? It's a passive aggressive dig becasue he feels trapped. He's being an arse.

@NewYearNewPlumbing fully agree.

Don’t play games. One person spewing passive aggressive shit into a relationship is enough.

I would be so angry and I would retort with a "no, your sperm got me pregnant because you didn't wear condoms to double up on protection like you should have"

You need this "joke" sorted!

The other retort could be "it's sounds like you are trying to justify an affair to sow your wild oats"

Some people have an utterly moronic "sense of humour" and can't even see how rude, insensitive and downright disrespectful they're being until it's pointed out with absolutely no finesse at all.

Sometimes they still think one is just being "sensitive" and carry on - in which case they are fully showing you that they have zero respect for you or your feelings.

How does he think his child is going to feel about being called a "trap"? Does it ever cross his mind that they might be negatively affected by that? IF not, it fucking well needs pointing out to him (again with all the tact of a sledgehammer).

I KNOW this is nowhere near the same calibre of annoyance but I had a friend who kept telling me that I had "turned an ex boyfriend gay" - because she thought she was being funny. I used the no-finesse version of asking her exactly HOW she thought that was amusing - it wasn't possible (you can't "turn people gay"), he'd had 2 more GFs after me (so even if it was possible, it wasn't me - but still not possible) and it's fucking RUDE to say I'm so fucking awful that men would rather be gay than with me.
She never said it again.

If he carries on, then he's telling you the truth, whatever he says about it being "just a joke". But whichever, it's still fucking disrespectful.

Wow. Me and DH also had a surprise baby early in our relationship, 16 years ago. Never once has he said this to me.

Does he say this directly to you or in conversation with other people? If its to other people I'd "jokily" respond with "ah ignore him, he's just embarrassed he got a teenager pregnant" and see how he likes it

"DH, as I have told you before, I find this comment very upsetting. If you ever make it again, I will have to conclude that you are deliberately trying to upset me. Is that clear?""

Ask him how exactly his robust contraceptive approach was ruined by a teenager?

Or when he says 'trapped' does he actually mean he slept with a younger and less experienced woman, opted out of making all contraceptive decisions and has resented her ever since for a contraceptive failure because he's a passive aggressive prick.

Does he do 50% of parenting now? Because if not, he'd actually see more of his kids if you separated and wouldn't be 'walking out'. But I suspect he has no interest in doing this.

@breakingthebank

Does he say this directly to you or in conversation with other people? If its to other people I'd "jokily" respond with "ah ignore him, he's just embarrassed he got a teenager pregnant" and see how he likes it

This ^

It did get to the point where I told him he's free to leave. His reply ' I'm not someone who will just walk out on my family

Whilst he might be free to leave and choose not to but you are. Why hand him the power

I also noted his reply wasn’t anything to do with loving you

You have 2 options either sit him down and say for once and for all if you have an issue spit it out. A joke is only funny if both sides find it funny and I do not. Does he not realise the kids will end up hearing this. Or you start your own. "Well I was seeing someone else so they may not be yours" "My friends did warn me about you being older and me so young and you would try to get me pregnant on purpose" along those lines, to see how 'funny' he finds your jokes

You were 19,not 15 fgs.
Does it matter how old he was?

what an arsehole.

This is his own shame he is projecting on to you.

He was a grown man in his mid 20s and he got a teenager pregnant.

He should at the very least be taking 50% of the responsibility (he should take more responsibility imo) but whatever, he is taking less than 50% of the responsibility for you getting pregnant.

And worse, he's insinuating that he is the prize. You trapped some prince. YOu didn't. You got stuck with a man who accuses you of trapping him. How wonderful.

Have you worked ? Do you have a job/

you're still so young.

You can end this.

You don't have to stay and push water uphill forever. If he doesn't respect you then he won't suddenly begin to respect you.

I wouldn't allow this to continue.

I would tell him flat out in a calm moment that he is a grown up as he was when he started dating you. Tell him if he ever jokes/suggests/claims that you trapped him into marriage again by getting pregnant, he can start packing, because it's grossly offensive and completely untrue.