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Original poster

Worried sick about DD drug use and job

124 replies

diamondsareforever4 · 07/01/2021 12:32

My DD is 21 years old. She has always been quite introverted and lives at home whilst studying for uni. Recently, she told us she got her first job at a pub.

The problems started arising in her second week at work when her shifts ended at 10pm but she started arriving home at 2am. This happened every single shift she did (4 times a week). When I called her to check if she was okay, she would say she was having a chat with her co-workers and would catch the uber home in a bit. I was quite dubious as to why she would stay behind 4 hours after her shift every day to chat to co-workers she had barely known for a week.

One morning, whilst doing the washing, I found cocaine in her jeans pocket. My heart plummeted and when I confronted her about it she said it was from work. I then raised my concerns to her manager who was quite relaxed about the entire situation. Since then, I have seen a massive change in her behaviour. She is snappy, irritated, withdrawn and talks about moving out of the house often because she feels restricted. She hasn't been to work in a while due to lockdown but she still talks about how much she loves her work, co-workers and how she can't wait to go back.

I'm a single mother who genuinely doesn't know what to do. My main concern is how her behaviour changed so drastically within the space of the 4 weeks she was working there. DD went from a sweet, easy going 21 year old to a moody, argumentative person who repeatedly tells me that she want's to move out a "live life how she wants". I'm concerned about how easily influenced she is and the blase attitude of the pub owner who still kept her on despite me voicing my concerns about her welfare and the illegal substances at his pub.

I haven't slept properly in 2 months. Could someone pls give me some advice on what to do :(

OP posts:
Scotstar91 · 07/01/2021 12:36

She's 21 - why are you talking to her manager FGS?

Original poster
diamondsareforever4 · 07/01/2021 12:39

@Scotstar91

She's 21 - why are you talking to her manager FGS?
Her manager called me one evening to let me know she had hurt her back whilst lifting a keg. I mentioned briefly to him if it was a type of pub where other substances are commonly used and he laughed it off
OP posts:
Jakey056 · 07/01/2021 12:42

Let her move out - in fact if she is doing coke I'd actively ask her to move out - she is banking on you allowing it - just say no - out. At 21 it is her choice to do coke or not. Hopefully not but your work is done now. Cards are hers to play.

VimFuego101 · 07/01/2021 12:43

You spoke to her manager? Wtf. I'm not surprised she wants to move out.

shitinmyhandsandclap · 07/01/2021 12:43

Her manager called me one evening to let me know she had hurt her back whilst lifting a keg. I mentioned briefly to him if it was a type of pub where other substances are commonly used and he laughed it off

Not getting the connection, she hurt her back and you ask about other substances? Can't actually believe you went to her manager, you could have got her the sack, it's her life, leave her alone, I'm sure she knows the risks

daisyjgrey · 07/01/2021 12:44

Cocaine is rife in hospitality. Staying after a shift, particularly at a pub, is pretty common.

You can't control what she does, she's 21, but you can ask her to move out if you're uncomfortable.

MadeForThis · 07/01/2021 12:44

If she moves out she'll have less money to buy coke.

Sameshirtdifferentday · 07/01/2021 12:45

Do you have anyone to talk too?
Try and keep talking to her. Hopefully someone with better advice will come along.
I think it’s normal to worry about your child. I wouldn’t want my DD to be working in that type of environment. Peer pressure is hard.

Mumblechum0 · 07/01/2021 12:45

As others have said, I think you were way out of line telling on her to her manager, she's been an adult for 3 years now, it's time to let her make her own decisions, even ones you aren't happy with.

Most people move out at 18 to go to Uni; if she'd done so you wouldn't have known anything (probably a good thing!). I think you need to let her live her life away from your home, to avoid potentially damaging your relationship still further.

murbblurb · 07/01/2021 12:46

chuck out. Choices have consequences. She is supporting knife crime, gang violence, cuckooing and county lines as well as fucking up her own life.

tell it to her how it is. The cocaine goes or she does.

I've seen the victims of drug use and it is disgusting.

Menaray · 07/01/2021 12:50

You don't suddenly stop worrying about your dc when they hit 18 but I guess your approach has to be different.

I sympathise hugely @diamondsareforever4 - I had similar issues with one of my ds's two years ago when he was 21. I tried to talk to him but he either wouldn't talk or else just lied.

I was hugely lucky in the end as he finally started confiding in his eldest sibling and saw what he was doing to us all. Not before he'd attempted suicide though :(. Does your Dd have any friends she would listen to? I really don't know how best to advise you other than to say try and keep all channels of communication open. Also, having no job might be good for her in that presumably she won't be able to afford to buy drugs.

For your own piece of mind could you speak to a drug counsellor who would know how to deal with these issues? I wish I could be more helpful - I know how you must be feeling - I spent about a year living in permanent terror. Good luck.

Original poster
diamondsareforever4 · 07/01/2021 12:52

Okay reading the responses, maybe I shouldn't have mentioned it to her manager but I wasn't thinking straight.

It's been a very difficult time for me having to watch my daughter who has never been into drugs come home drugged up. Her massive change in behaviour and the fact that she is always talking about her co-workers despite working at the place for a total of 4 weeks doesn't make sense to me. I know she's very easily influenced and not very savvy with her money. She has a hard time saying no to people. My main worry is her being taken advantage if she moves out or developing a cocaine addiction

OP posts:
Soutiner · 07/01/2021 12:53

I understand that you want to protect her and make sure she is on the straight and narrow path but the loving arms you wrap around her that made her feel secure as child, now make her feel trapped and she wants to live her life and make her own mistakes.

Original poster
diamondsareforever4 · 07/01/2021 12:54

@Sameshirtdifferentday

Do you have anyone to talk too? Try and keep talking to her. Hopefully someone with better advice will come along. I think it’s normal to worry about your child. I wouldn’t want my DD to be working in that type of environment. Peer pressure is hard.
No, it's just me and her younger siblings so quite often I'm alone with my thoughts and think that I'm a failure of a mother
OP posts:
Sceptre86 · 07/01/2021 12:55

I work on the other side with drug users and honestly the state most of them end up in. I would be doing everything to dissuade her from casual drug use. It almost always ends badly. Also like pp said drug use is casual support of gangs, knife crime, prostitution, people trafficking etc. Another thing to maybe emphasise is the number it does on people's looks, lank hair, swallow skin, rotten teeth. I would probably go down the soft, supportive route at first but ultimately would not allow drugs in my home.

HollowTalk · 07/01/2021 12:57

I would imagine the manager was one of the people staying behind after work and taking drugs.

Original poster
diamondsareforever4 · 07/01/2021 12:59

@Jakey056

Let her move out - in fact if she is doing coke I'd actively ask her to move out - she is banking on you allowing it - just say no - out. At 21 it is her choice to do coke or not. Hopefully not but your work is done now. Cards are hers to play.
She had never expressed an interest in moving out before she started working. In fact, she had planned to stay at home until she had completed her Masters degree.

Now she barely touches her uni work and is constantly on her phone. And that's what worries me. This huge shift in behaviour after 4 weeks of work. I just don't recognise her anymore and it's been such a short space of time. She used to play with her younger siblings all the time and now all she does is snap at them, i really don't know what to do

OP posts:
Sceptre86 · 07/01/2021 12:59

Sorry just saw that she has younger siblings at home. Dissuade her and support but if she doesn't listen I would have her move out. Under no circumstances would I allow drugs in my home. Kids are so impressionable, if they find out their older sister is taking them I would be worried that the younger ones might be intrigued to have a go.

Crinkle77 · 07/01/2021 13:01

I mentioned briefly to him if it was a type of pub where other substances are commonly used and he laughed it off

It goes on in all pubs. Believe you me.

Sceptre86 · 07/01/2021 13:01

This doesn't in anyway make you a bad mum. At 21 she is an adult albeit a young one and gets to make her own choices, however shit. You are keeping the lines of communication open and trying to help her which is what a responsible parent would do x

Theunamedcat · 07/01/2021 13:06

Go onto entitled to show her what help she can get as a 21 year old university student and look at the rental market in your town run the numbers with her the reality is 9ften unpleasant its on thing to say I'm grown im leaving but quite another to see what little you will get for your money

Original poster
diamondsareforever4 · 07/01/2021 13:07

@Crinkle77

I mentioned briefly to him if it was a type of pub where other substances are commonly used and he laughed it off

It goes on in all pubs. Believe you me.

As a manager, he shouldn't be supplying a young girl with no history of drug use with cocaine. This is all so destructive and I feel so helpless that my DD has been blindsided by people like this
OP posts:
Original poster
diamondsareforever4 · 07/01/2021 13:11

@Theunamedcat

Go onto entitled to show her what help she can get as a 21 year old university student and look at the rental market in your town run the numbers with her the reality is 9ften unpleasant its on thing to say I'm grown im leaving but quite another to see what little you will get for your money
She has shown me some rough inner city council flats that she can rent for £400 a month. She wants to live there alone and live off her student loan and income from job. It just breaks my heart to think that she would rather work at that job, take drugs and live in a council estate.

I think a part of me would rather have her at home so I know she is still safe at the end of the night.

OP posts:
Theunamedcat · 07/01/2021 13:16

She wouldn't be getting the rent portion of her loan if she is living at home and they pay in chunks not weekly plus of course she isnt guaranteed a place to live not everyone will rent to students

Bulldoglady · 07/01/2021 13:20

Why did her manager call you to say she had hurt her back? My boss would never call my mother unless I needed hospitalised ? Surely your daughter would tell you herself she hurt her back?

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