Worried sick about DD drug use and job

[diamondsareforever4]

My DD is 21 years old. She has always been quite introverted and lives at home whilst studying for uni. Recently, she told us she got her first job at a pub.

The problems started arising in her second week at work when her shifts ended at 10pm but she started arriving home at 2am. This happened every single shift she did (4 times a week). When I called her to check if she was okay, she would say she was having a chat with her co-workers and would catch the uber home in a bit. I was quite dubious as to why she would stay behind 4 hours after her shift every day to chat to co-workers she had barely known for a week.

One morning, whilst doing the washing, I found cocaine in her jeans pocket. My heart plummeted and when I confronted her about it she said it was from work. I then raised my concerns to her manager who was quite relaxed about the entire situation. Since then, I have seen a massive change in her behaviour. She is snappy, irritated, withdrawn and talks about moving out of the house often because she feels restricted. She hasn't been to work in a while due to lockdown but she still talks about how much she loves her work, co-workers and how she can't wait to go back.

I'm a single mother who genuinely doesn't know what to do. My main concern is how her behaviour changed so drastically within the space of the 4 weeks she was working there. DD went from a sweet, easy going 21 year old to a moody, argumentative person who repeatedly tells me that she want's to move out a "live life how she wants". I'm concerned about how easily influenced she is and the blase attitude of the pub owner who still kept her on despite me voicing my concerns about her welfare and the illegal substances at his pub.

I haven't slept properly in 2 months. Could someone pls give me some advice on what to do :(

Those of you saying that you used drugs, or know people who have, and who turned out fine - well that's all well and good. I know some like that too. But - I also know some who didn't. And I've been through it with my ds. And I know how scared the op must be feeling. I sat with my ds after he'd overdosed. I remember every minute of every hour of that period, and always will.

So op's Dd may indeed turn out to be fine, and op may not be handling things the way we would, but she's turned here for help and advice. And I completely agree that the advice to back off/stop worrying etc could be helpful. Equally, the other advice to get more involved or to actively do something could be helpful. None of us here know the op's Dd, and whereas diverse opinions are good to hear, I feel some people have been really unkind to the op. That's not what she needs right now.

Sounds like a really toxic set up.

For me now, it's dealing with the constant state of fear every single day. She's secretive about who she talks to and spends most her day in her room. I can't sleep at night. I just stare at the ceiling whilst my mind goes into overdrive. My DH passed away five years ago so I'm raising my kids alone and don't really have anyone to lean on

She's not being secretive who she talks to - she's 21 - she has every right to have a private life surely? Why would a 21 year old be expected to tell their mother everything. 'I' have constant fear. "I" can't sleep at night and stare at the ceiling. "I" lost my husband (she lost her dad).

If you're laying all of this on her and she's been guilted and emotionally blackmailed into having no life and not growing up for the last five years despite losing her dad then I feel really sorry for her.

The minute she got a job she liked and a life of her own you went mental about her not coming straight home from work and tried to know and control that area of her life.

Can you understand what it might be like from her side of things? Remembering that she is a whole separate person - not just a source of supply.

At 21 with all that on my plate and a mum who couldn't abide me having any life of my own or any shred of privacy I would take the £400 council flat in a heartbeat.

Sorry OP, you're making this about you.
It's about your daughter.

Ignoring what she's telling you (through words or actions) and wrenching the narrative to what suits you only works for so long.

I'm sorry about your DH. If she is willing to have counselling I suggest that could help. You could also benefit from talking to someone. It's a normal reaction to losing a someone to try and pull your remaining family closer, even to the point of overwhelming them.

It's not good that she is taking drugs, and it's completely understandable that you're worried. However, 'constant fear' is an overreaction. I second what PPs are saying about a realistic attitude to drugs. I took drugs in my late teens and early twenties, and of my friends at university I can only think of one who didn't. None of us went on to have a drug problem. I'm not minimising the fact that sometimes recreational use leads to addiction and ruined lives, it does and I wouldn't advise anyone to make the choices I did for that reason. But I think it's important to remember that it also very often doesn't.

You can make your position on this clear by stating your disapproval and telling her that on no account is she to bring drugs into your home. You have a right to draw firm boundaries about that and it's important that your younger children don't stumble across them.

Other than that, this is a situation where I think you have to let her make her own mistakes. I also think that you have assumed that her withdrawn state is definitely a result of the drugs. It may be, but it may also be that she feels stifled by her home situation. I mean this with kindness, but the way you talk about her is as though you are talking about a much younger child. It may well be that she has discovered a new environment that makes her feel like an adult, and for the first time she is feeling frustrated about returning to a state of childhood at home.

I'm not saying the drug use is normal, although it's not unusual. However, wanting privacy, asserting independence, developing intense friendships very quickly and wanting to stay for lock-ins at a bar job ARE all pretty normal behaviours for a person of her age.

I think you are engaging in catastrophic thinking and it would help you to try and take a step back and view the situation more calmly. The drug use is not good, but the way you write suggests that you are already convinced that it will turn into a full blown addiction. It may, but it also may not. But her behaviour right now is telling you that she needs some space to be more independent and it will be much better for your relationship if you don't fight that. So, stand your ground over drugs in the house, but the staying out late etc is all part of the fun of being young and it isn't something you should be getting into conflict over IMO.

If the pub manager is saying that is normal in some way, is there drug taking by your DD or others on the pub premises, and no action being taken? The pub may be closed for now, but surely a case for the police or the licence being removed.

@Regularsizedrudy

I have always found Mumsnet has a really weirdly relaxed attitude to coke.. probably because it’s the drug of choice for high earning work away DHs and middle class bored sahms. You are right to be worried op. I’m sorry about the crap responses you’ve had on here.

I agree. I can honestly say that I don't know anyone who has taken it or admitted to taking it. Weed, yes, but not coke.

It is very normalised on mumsnet, sadly.

@Menaray

Those of you saying that you used drugs, or know people who have, and who turned out fine - well that's all well and good. I know some like that too. But - I also know some who didn't. And I've been through it with my ds. And I know how scared the op must be feeling. I sat with my ds after he'd overdosed. I remember every minute of every hour of that period, and always will.

So op's Dd may indeed turn out to be fine, and op may not be handling things the way we would, but she's turned here for help and advice. And I completely agree that the advice to back off/stop worrying etc could be helpful. Equally, the other advice to get more involved or to actively do something could be helpful. None of us here know the op's Dd, and whereas diverse opinions are good to hear, I feel some people have been really unkind to the op. That's not what she needs right now.

I know people who have lost their lives to alcohol abuse. A few actually, including someone during lockdown. I went to his memorial and cried my eyes out.

I also had a few glasses of prosecco at Christmas. Because there are people who can use their drug of choice fairly safely, and those who absolutely can't. But most can, pretty much regardless of what the drug of choice is. I've worked with crack addicts whose actual drug of choice was alcohol. EVERYONE assumed it was a crack addiction but the thing they couldn't kick was booze.

I think OP's DD has some warning signs. But all the hyperbole about locking her out and worrying all night is not helpful. It she doesn't have an issue it's wasted. If she does it's damaging to the relationship. She probably has some trauma from the bereavement which she may need help with. Or other trauma. That's the thing to look at.

Let her move out, see how she pays rent buying cocaine at £40 a whack.

I think you need to focus on getting some sleep and some support for yourself OP. To have only lost your husband 5 years ago, that is alot for your family to go through and your eldest seems to have done really well to be on her masters at 21.

I cant help wonder if your daughter feels like shes been too well behaved and missed out on a bit of the adolescent separation stage that alot of young people go through? She maybe trying to get that independence now but feels the only way to get it is to push you away forcefully. I think you might have to respect her right to make decisions without necessarily agreeing with them. Rather than trying to persuade her to change her job; do her Uni work - I would calmly state your views but acknowledge its her decision. I think it would not help your relationship to suddenly withdraw the financial support you have been providing through subsidizing her outgoings - it would come off as you punishing her for not doing what you want. I would accept that she wants to move out and might even support that idea as it will give her a true sense of costs and may even help your relationship improve. Its surprising how visiting home rather than living there can change things. By the sounds of things you have given her a good start in life, education, a loving family background - she may need to work the next part out for herself. I dont know who supports you in the lone parent task but if you are entitled to look after yourself as well - perhaps invest a bit in you and let her take the driving seat for herself,

Drugs can be just a social experiment and phase, sometimes addition can develop and lives are fucking ruined.
The decision making is hers alone.
Things you can control:

1. drugs in your house is a hard NO. Especially with younger siblings about.
2. How connected you are to her. You need to love her to bits, give her a pass on the moods, do lovely stuff with her (I know lockdown makes that tricky) and connect connect connect. Addiction is lonely. So lovely and connection is the key. So I’d say don’t talk about the drugs again and try your best to stay on team with her.

I did the same to help me through, as did many others whilst at uni. For me the bar work not the drugs.

It was great we loved it,,being paid to be out. It was hard work but we had a blast getting in at silly o clock after lock ins.
Mosy did take coke, i never felt i needed it but they all grew out of it......however that does not stop it being a worry as a parent.

The more you push her though the further away she will go and she won't feel she can come to you if she needs you.

Shes 21, be someone she can come to if it f**ks up

I used to work at a pub at that age. We did indeed get pissed after hours at the pub with the doors shut a lot. Often until late late hours and a bond forms like no other I've known in a workplace. I didn't do coke, but I know a lot who did. This is very much pub working culture so I'm not surprised her boss isn't shocked.

There's not much you can do tbh if she's 21. Try not to drive her away. The mood change might just be because her job means she realises she'd have much more freedom/adulthood if not at home with mum monitoring when she comes home.

I wonder how many posters who think normalising taking cocaine is OK have offspring of a similar age to the OP's DD, and whose offspring also take cocaine?

DD is 20. I certainly wouldn't be happy if I knew she was taking cocaine.

I am struggling with the irony of a poster whose name is Gin For Dinner being so anti drugs.

@MrsTerryPratchett I'm struggling witht the fact that you think my name is nothing other than a name. I do like a gin and tonic, but don't drink it very often. Also:

1. It isn't illegal, and is therefore regulated and not adulterated with random, potentially dangerous substances.
2. The gin I purchase fro Tesco doesn't fund people trafficking, prostitution and other nefarious activities.

Why is it so difficult to understand that being measured in a response to this is neither normalising nor is it celebrating. I'm not pro cocaine FFS. But alcohol is a very dangerous drug without adulteration and causes many times more deaths than all other drugs barring cigarettes.

The OP is worried about addiction and behaviour not trafficking so that's what I'm addressing.

Taking drugs IS normal. Humans have been doing it for ever. Not everyone, not always and 'norma'l doesn't mean 'optimal'.

A measured, calm approach is much more likely to preserve relationships.

But alcohol is a very dangerous drug without adulteration and causes many times more deaths than all other drugs barring cigarettes.

I do know that. BIL died from cirrhosis of the liver recently because he was an alcoholic.

Taking drugs isn't uncommon, but I dislike the way it is normalised on here because it makes it sound acceptable. We normalise obesity and drinking as well, and I don't agree with that either.

Maybe I should change my name?

Have literally never met a cocaine user that a) keeps it in their jeans pocket or b) has any left over at the end of the night.

Is it definitely coke OP? Did she tell you it is? I thought kids these days did ketamine, which is also powdery and white and a fraction of the cost, and just as rife as coke in hospitality.

@PolPotNoodle that's EXACTLY what I said!

Alcohol is a very dangerous, legal gateway drug that is infinitely more dangerous than any other class of drug, mainly because of it effectvon our neurotransmitters. The fact that it's legal lulls people into a false sense of security but it's effects a far more wide reaching than cocaine, on a personal level (ignoring for a moment the criminal and negative societal aspects of cocaine usage)

Found some in my ex's pocket the same way, Candy. Sometimes people forget they have it. I nearly accidentally took a small amount on the plane to venice with me once by doing that.

I think there is not too much to worry about here as my son went to Uni and there was drug use among most of the students at the 3 or 4 Uni's his friends went to but it hasn't led to any serious problems for them.

Shes just showing off to her supposedly cool new work mates. Itl probably burn out and they'l probably go onto different jobs.

Have you considered that the change in her behaviour may also be because she feels quite suffocated? You've told tales on her to her boss (I would not be able to forgive this easily), and now you're (by your own admission) hounding her to get another job and asking who she's talking to etc. I would be snappy and irritable too.
Four weeks of sporadic cocaine use (in October?!) is unlikely to continue to affect her to the extent you're describing, so it's probably a bit of both.

Staying late after shifts in hospitality is the norm. So are drugs, it's unfortunate but it is the truth. She's 21, she's experimenting. The fact that she's coming home a few hours after her shift and not staying out all night makes me think she's really not in that deep. (Absolutely preposterous to suggest she's trapped in a prostitution ring, FFS!).

Honestly, I think the best thing you could do at this point is act totally uninterested in what she does after work. At this age, they just want to feel cool and rebellious (I , embarrassingly, vividly remember). You've made your feelings perfectly clear, and whatever you do, you won't be able to affect her choices for a while - so either ignore it, or kick her out, and have done with it.

She's highly unlikely to move into aforementioned shitty council flat once the reality of how good she has it at home hits her - and if she does, she definitely won't be able to afford coke!

I don't want to "normalise" it either, but chances are she'll soon realise it's expensive, hurts your relationships, and makes you feel like crap for days afterwards.

I did all my "experimenting" while at University, and was able to be quite frank with my parents about it a few years afterwards, because I didn't feel controlled or judged. I have maybe used drugs 4-5 times in past 5 years (late twenties now), and at extremely low levels, because it's just not that exciting anymore.

It's not wrong to care and be really worried, of course, but there's very little you can do to change what she does at the moment, so please try not to torture yourself. Alienating her will only make her pull further away. Best of luck OP.

Oh gawd she’s 21 and your treating her like a child - that’s part of the problem here! No wonder she wants to move out - how embarrassing having her mum speak to her boss!!

Let her try move out - I doubt a wage from her minimum wage pub job would get her very far!

But I’d definitely back off or you’ll
Just push here away and she will move out or go stay with friends or something

Sounds like a normal 21year old and the most likely outcome is she grows out of this behaviour tbh