Worried sick about DD drug use and job

[diamondsareforever4]

My DD is 21 years old. She has always been quite introverted and lives at home whilst studying for uni. Recently, she told us she got her first job at a pub.

The problems started arising in her second week at work when her shifts ended at 10pm but she started arriving home at 2am. This happened every single shift she did (4 times a week). When I called her to check if she was okay, she would say she was having a chat with her co-workers and would catch the uber home in a bit. I was quite dubious as to why she would stay behind 4 hours after her shift every day to chat to co-workers she had barely known for a week.

One morning, whilst doing the washing, I found cocaine in her jeans pocket. My heart plummeted and when I confronted her about it she said it was from work. I then raised my concerns to her manager who was quite relaxed about the entire situation. Since then, I have seen a massive change in her behaviour. She is snappy, irritated, withdrawn and talks about moving out of the house often because she feels restricted. She hasn't been to work in a while due to lockdown but she still talks about how much she loves her work, co-workers and how she can't wait to go back.

I'm a single mother who genuinely doesn't know what to do. My main concern is how her behaviour changed so drastically within the space of the 4 weeks she was working there. DD went from a sweet, easy going 21 year old to a moody, argumentative person who repeatedly tells me that she want's to move out a "live life how she wants". I'm concerned about how easily influenced she is and the blase attitude of the pub owner who still kept her on despite me voicing my concerns about her welfare and the illegal substances at his pub.

I haven't slept properly in 2 months. Could someone pls give me some advice on what to do :(

@Menaray
"
You don't suddenly stop worrying about your dc when they hit 18 but I guess your approach has to be different."

this

I totally understand your worries OP. It's it possible for you to talk to some close friends of your DD to whole you think she would listen. I thibk you are right in worrying as once she moves out she might get more into drugs etc. Hope you find a way

I'm sorry OP - this is awful to be going through.

Firstly- controversial opinion here: you were well within reason to inform her manager. If the staff are using drugs, what's to say they're not selling it to the customers? Either the manager knew his staff were on drugs and was complicit, or he's an idiot (in which case he shouldn't be working in that industry). I'd have gone further and informed the police.

I also do not think it's normal for people to 'use recreational drugs' and I think the attitude of 'don't worry about it, it's a phase' isn't the right one. Any decent parent should be worried if their child is using any sort of drug if only because being caught with it on them can mean prison and therefore be incredibly career damaging.

People posting on here are adults and should know better that to normalise drugs like cocaine - they'd think differently if it was their child.

If your daughter isn't willing to listen I'd do this;

Explain to her that it's her life. She is an adult and she can do with it what she wants. But also mention that not only can cocaine contain things like rat poison, lead and asbestos but that it also haggers you and in many cases leads to psychosis. A little bit of fun now can have significant consequences later in life including, in serious cases, making you infertile. Is she sure that this is what she wants to be doing and if she says yes;

Explain she cannot do it under your roof and give her a deadline to move out. Ultimately, if that's what she wants she's going to do it. At this point, I don't think you can stop her.

If I am honest it sounds like she's actually fairly certain you wouldn't force her out and she can carry on doing drugs under your roof. I'd call her bluff.

If within a month her behaviour has change this much, I think your options are limited. But I don't think turning a blind eye and letting it continue under your roof is the right one - it's essentially enabling her.

Finally, I'd also question HOW she is affording something like cocaine. Cocaine is not cheap. So either she is taking the really cheap stuff that is probably full of awful other products (as mentioned above, even the pure stuff isn't 'pure'), or she's getting it at a massive discount somehow.

I really hope this helps OP and good luck!

I doubt very much she wants the reality of her own place. She is just seeing the £400 and the freedom she thinks she will get.

No wonder you are worried sick and it is harder now she is an adult. She is taking the drugs to fit in I suppose.

Cocaine is very expensive. I would be worried about her plan to fund the addiction.

Lockdown may be a blessing for you here.

Might just give you an opportunity to turn things around whilst she’s not working.

There’s lots of jobs around working from home now. Call centre and customer service type roles. Could you look for something like this and casually suggest it to her?

Best case scenario - she likes it, gets to know different people, and doesn’t want to go back to the pub.

At the moment, it sounds like this pub was the only thing in her life really. Apart from sitting in her bedroom studying.

Would be amazing if you could use lockdown to find something else which fills that hole.

AND, once that pub is back open, I would definitely be making reports to the police. Anonymously if necessary.

@YardleyX

Jesus! Some of the responses on here!

Making it sound as though OP is some sort of controlling parent for not wanting her daughter taking hard drugs.

I don’t know where you lot come from that you suddenly stop doing your best for your children once they turn a certain age?! 🤷‍♀️

Thank you. If anything, I have always encouraged my children to travel and come into their own, however, hard drugs is something which will never sit right with me.

@Lofu

Staying after shifts when working behind bars is not just common but expected.

It sounds like she is now behaving like a typical 21 year old. It's normal to want to move out at that age. It's normal to be taken with your cool new job. It's even somewhat normal to experiment with drugs. It seems like she's acting normally.

Normalising it doesn't make it OK though

I did coke every time I went out which was twice a week when I was about 19. I would have also told my mum I was moving out and would have been irritable and snotty if my mum had spoken to my boss about drug use - and btw knowing that your staff use drugs after their shift doesn’t mean they are the supplier.

PS - I literally paid for it once. Every other time, it was a shared bag with someone else. So it’s not necessarily that she’s buying it and using it. I also stopped when I went to uni as I wasn’t bothered enough about it, haven’t had a snifter since about 2000. I didn’t get suicidal or any of the other horror stories, I might have been a nasty cow to my mum but I was in general at that age tbh. I know of one person who graduated to harder stuff. I’m not trying to minimise here, just offering a different POV to those who work with drug addicts seeking help, as they only see that side.

I also don’t think there’s anything wrong with a 21 year old making friends with her colleagues an staying behind after work? I used to, every single night I worked in a pub we’d cash up, have a drink and then go onto another bar. It’s normal? It’s normal to spend your cash on drink (and maybe drugs) when you live at home and have no other or minimal bills.

I do honestly understand why you’re worried. But you need to step back and realise she’s an adult and can make her own choices. You can too - increase her rent, kick her out - whatever - but you can’t make her stop. It really does sound to me more like she’s sick to the back teeth of living at home with her mother and younger sibs and just wants to be independent. I would certainly have conversations with my adult child if he came home with drugs in his pocket, but it would be clear to me that I can’t control what he does, and he is free to make any decision he wants, bad or not.

@Soutiner

I think she is doing more than taking drugs after hours. There is the very strong possibility that she is ‘working’ and is trapped by a circle of having to pay off the drugs by ‘working’ and that is why she has a complete change of personality.

You are not a failure as a mother but you are a bit naive (nothing wrong with that) about how young people can easily be sucked into an unsavoury lifestyle.

Wtaf?? I think you're the naeve one! I've never ever known anyone to pay off cocain use by prostitution. I was in that circle for many many years and I can assure you it is only the serious habitual drug users who sell them selves.

(I'm dyslexic and even auto correct doesn't know what I am trying to say haha)

@YardleyX

Lockdown may be a blessing for you here.

Might just give you an opportunity to turn things around whilst she’s not working.

There’s lots of jobs around working from home now. Call centre and customer service type roles. Could you look for something like this and casually suggest it to her?

Best case scenario - she likes it, gets to know different people, and doesn’t want to go back to the pub.

At the moment, it sounds like this pub was the only thing in her life really. Apart from sitting in her bedroom studying.

Would be amazing if you could use lockdown to find something else which fills that hole.

AND, once that pub is back open, I would definitely be making reports to the police. Anonymously if necessary.

I have seriously thought about making an anonymous complaint to the police but I think it will cause long lasting damage to our relationship if the police were to act.

I have asked her time and time again to look for other jobs. She flat out refuses. She has said she loves her work and co-workers.

@MustardMitt

I did coke every time I went out which was twice a week when I was about 19. I would have also told my mum I was moving out and would have been irritable and snotty if my mum had spoken to my boss about drug use - and btw knowing that your staff use drugs after their shift doesn’t mean they are the supplier.

PS - I literally paid for it once. Every other time, it was a shared bag with someone else. So it’s not necessarily that she’s buying it and using it. I also stopped when I went to uni as I wasn’t bothered enough about it, haven’t had a snifter since about 2000. I didn’t get suicidal or any of the other horror stories, I might have been a nasty cow to my mum but I was in general at that age tbh. I know of one person who graduated to harder stuff. I’m not trying to minimise here, just offering a different POV to those who work with drug addicts seeking help, as they only see that side.

I also don’t think there’s anything wrong with a 21 year old making friends with her colleagues an staying behind after work? I used to, every single night I worked in a pub we’d cash up, have a drink and then go onto another bar. It’s normal? It’s normal to spend your cash on drink (and maybe drugs) when you live at home and have no other or minimal bills.

I do honestly understand why you’re worried. But you need to step back and realise she’s an adult and can make her own choices. You can too - increase her rent, kick her out - whatever - but you can’t make her stop. It really does sound to me more like she’s sick to the back teeth of living at home with her mother and younger sibs and just wants to be independent. I would certainly have conversations with my adult child if he came home with drugs in his pocket, but it would be clear to me that I can’t control what he does, and he is free to make any decision he wants, bad or not.

I do appreciate your point of view but its how drastic the change is. She has never expressed an interest in drugs/nights out. She used to be a bubbly girl who would always be up for a girly chat with me and her younger siblings.

She is now very moody, snappy and anything beside texting is a chore to her. She says she hates it at home and has barely touched her uni work. When I casually asked her if she had done a bit of revision she said "what's it to you, it's none of your business"

I'm just so taken aback by it all. Personally, I find that pub to be a toxic environment which has had such a detrimental affect on her. Nothing matters to her now aside from work and her co-workers. She also tends to hide her phone when she's texting. I'm just a really worried parent who doesn't know what to do.

I think a part of me would rather have her at home so I know she is still safe at the end of the night.

This is course is at the heart of the problem. A young woman who has never been encouraged to be independent because of her mother's fear. And is now beginning to rebel and go off the rails.

As someone with two siblings who have gone through D&A rehab, and with one of their children still battling meth addiction, here is my 2 pence.

Your daughter was unhappy. She probably didn't even know it. Perhaps she was bored, perhaps the lockdowns have taken their toll. But someone has given her a taste for group drug taking and she has leapt at it.

Who are her usual friends? What do they think of her change? If she didn't have close friends, then ask yourself why not.

For someone feeling isolated to be suddenly accepted into a whirlwind of new experiences - perhaps even romantic ones? - is heady and exciting and you CANNOT compete.

She will not want to let this go, and the drugs are part of it.

For everyone saying this is a normal rite of passage, it may be for some, but for others the desperate need to fit in can quickly turn into a life spent chasing something you can never really attain. The approval of strangers is a moving target.

Does she have any other family figures who can talk to her without judgement? An aunt or uncle, or her father? At this point it's important to keep the dialogue open and I sense you can't do that easily.

@titchy

I think a part of me would rather have her at home so I know she is still safe at the end of the night.

This is course is at the heart of the problem. A young woman who has never been encouraged to be independent because of her mother's fear. And is now beginning to rebel and go off the rails.

I agree. With the benefit of hindisght, wish she had moved out for uni and let it all out of her system away from me. It would have saved me the anxiety too.

I worry about her moving out now because she will be renting alone in a council estate. Also I dread her going off the rails further when she's alone.

I understand you care about her but its now reached a point where being this involved will come across as controlling and actually put her at more risk...she is an adult so if she wants to leave she will.. what you dont want to do is alienate her to the point she can't be honest with you and reach out for help from you if she needs to... this is not something you are going to be able to fight with fire and control.
I say this as someone who experienced drug addiction as a young adult.. what she needs is to know you are there and will help her when she is ready to recieve help... that is literally all you can do at this point.. this is an awful situation for you but if you go in there all guns blazing you really do stand to make the situation much worse..l talking to her manager was massive ott she is a grown woman. This is the type of thing that will push her away from you. It perfectly understandable to be concerned by the coke you found in her pocket and to try and discuss it with her... its not going to work for you if you take a heavy handed approach to dealing with this... she will leave and she may even drift out of contact with you.

Do you think she's still taking drugs even though she's not at work? Is she still meeting with these 'friends'?

Considering she has younger siblings in the house, I'd tell her the drugs go or she goes. It's not fair for others to be around that.

She has never expressed an interest in drugs/nights out. She used to be a bubbly girl who would always be up for a girly chat with me and her younger siblings.

Well, she was hardly likely to express an interest to you, was she?

Being moody, snappy and absorbed in friends and phone is pretty typical for a teenager. You sort of don't seen to have ever expected that she would grow away from you and be more than a compliant "young girl". It is kind of not your business if a 21yo woman does or doesn't revise for her master's course.

Everything you're doing to try and pull her in and turn her back into the young girl who lives under your wing just proves to her that you don't understand her life and her experience right now. Don't you remember being young? Didn't you ever experiment, make mistakes, rebel, do things you knew your parents would hate?

Scaremongering about the effects of coke won't work, because she will see and meet people who have perfectly functional lives while using occasionally, and lots more who have perfectly functional lives and used to use. Insisting that she'll end up raddled and infertile and whatever just doesn't sound credible in that context. It will make you sound naive and out of touch to her.

Cocaine is seen as a party drug and it REALLY isn’t. It’s time to make sure she knows all the risks.

I’ve never taken drugs. My mum was happy for us to grab an occasional drink if we wanted. We knew where they were kept. (Neither of us ever really did tbh) but drugs my mum Drew the line at.

She was clear about the effects having worked within a setting that saw drug users and the awful effects it had. This was compounded when as a teenager a young woman lost her life the first time she did ecstacy and her parents chose to allow papers to publish a photo of her deceased on the front page next to her former self. It showed how awful the drug was.

Also there was going back a really good documentary on exactly how damaging cocaine is to you and how addictive which was eye opening

And I don't have a personal agenda in this, btw. I didn't use coke or anything else as a young adult and I still don't. I think the coke supply chain is vile. I know tons of respectable well employed people who did though. Insisting that she'll end up addicted, selling herself, poisoned etc just makes you sound like an elderly maiden aunt to a young person whose lived experience doesn't match up to the scare stories.

@MondayYogurt

As someone with two siblings who have gone through D&A rehab, and with one of their children still battling meth addiction, here is my 2 pence.

Your daughter was unhappy. She probably didn't even know it. Perhaps she was bored, perhaps the lockdowns have taken their toll. But someone has given her a taste for group drug taking and she has leapt at it.

Who are her usual friends? What do they think of her change? If she didn't have close friends, then ask yourself why not.

For someone feeling isolated to be suddenly accepted into a whirlwind of new experiences - perhaps even romantic ones? - is heady and exciting and you CANNOT compete.

She will not want to let this go, and the drugs are part of it.

For everyone saying this is a normal rite of passage, it may be for some, but for others the desperate need to fit in can quickly turn into a life spent chasing something you can never really attain. The approval of strangers is a moving target.

Does she have any other family figures who can talk to her without judgement? An aunt or uncle, or her father? At this point it's important to keep the dialogue open and I sense you can't do that easily.

I had my brother talk to her about the dangers of drugs and she told him "I know I'm being selfish but I don't care, I can and will do whatever I want" which is so out of character for her. I don't recognise her anymore.

In terms of friends, she has 2 best friends. One is away at uni and the other was kicked out of the house by her mother so lives in her own apartment. I don't want to escalate the situation so haven't spoken to either but I think she has gained inspiration from her friend who was thrown out which is fuelling her ideas to leave.

and its also worth notimg that a high number of students do use drugs casually and then go on to be fine... people are often experimenting with all types of thing in their early twenties... this is not necessarily some type of massive tragedy.
All you can do is be there as a voice of reason and someone she knows will support her and help her if she needs it. Try not to get massively emotional about it and catastrophise about.. altho I understand where you are coming from with feeling that way... it really will not help. Shes not going to be convinced to not take drugs by you shouting at her or crying or forcing her to live at home or talking to her manager..
Hopefully she will go on the same journey most students do and realise her drug use is getting in the way of the things she wants to do with her life and who she wants to be etc... in order for her to realise that she enedsa strong support system around her of people who love her.
Right now she will be getting all this friendship and warmth and seeming affirmation off these people she is doing drugs with... and from you she will be getting all these negative emotions and guilt. This will result in her leaving how could it result in anything else?
I'm not trying to criticise your emotional reaction because like I said its understandable and id feel the same if it were my daughter... but I think its important to take a step back and ask yourself if your reaction is actually helpful for sorting this situation out.

I really don't like reading other posters comments saying it's normal for her age and that the OP sounds naive. Yes young people will experiment, but it is not without risk. Cocaine ruins lives. My ExH started similarly, a bit of recreational use with friends at weekends, nothing serious. It was 'normal', like weekend binge drinking is for young people (alcohol is a whole other issue!). The vast majority of them grew out of it, but he kept going, while hiding and minimising it, so it looked as if he too had moved on from it. Eventually it lead to a breakdown. He was in huge debt to dealers, he begged stole and borrowed to pay them, he destroyed pretty much every relationship he had. His physical health is ok, but his mental health is destroyed. He will never fully recover.
I think some people are more susceptible to becoming addicts than others, and a lot will depend on their mental health, self esteem etc. If they feel 'worthless' or like they don't belong cocaine can make them feel great and like they are part of something. Everyone knows recreational drug users who would disappear off together like some kind of secret club. That sounds like what is going on here with her new workmates.

diamondsareforever4 the only advice I have is that you cannot control her actions or stop her taking drugs, but you can control your response to it, and be firm with your boundaries e.g. no drugs in the house, perhaps a curfew or the door is locked, etc. I know you are scared to 'let' her continue to do this, but you cannot stop her, it is her choice. But you don't have tolerate it just because you're her Mum. She is counting on you doing no more than telling her off, and at the moment she is right. If she says she will leave, say OK then, and let her. Make sure she knows you are always there for her if she needs you but you absolutely will not tolerate her drug use and resulting behaviour in your house.
Do not under any circumstances give her money, no matter what stories she tells you, because she may well just spend it on drugs. If she moves out don't help with her bills, because she needs to be responsible for herself. You will be enabling her to continue taking drugs if you do. When you love someone that is easy to do because you think you are helping them. But the reality is the opposite.
It may help to focus on the needs of your other children and yourself instead in this. Do what is right for all of you.

I really hope she sees the light soon, but be prepared for a tough time ahead. I wish you luck.

I don't think that anybody is saying that the DD definitely will grow out of it, @Throwntothewolves, because we don't know. But the balance of probability is that she will, and more importantly nothing the OP does or doesn't do at this point can really stop her either way, except that she can make things worse by trying to control the DD.

I am struggling with the irony of a poster whose name is Gin For Dinner being so anti drugs.

I've worked in addictions and with addicted people for decades. It's not the drug of choice that is the issue, it's the behaviour. Perfectly normal to alter your mind a bit as a young person whether that's alcohol, energy drinks, cocaine or acid. Alcohol is the most dangerous and addictive of those, of course. Withdrawal can kill you and so can use.

The issues with your DD are the frequent use, the mood changes, the pull to be back there (which could be the people or the cocaine, it could even be the alcohol... those substances LOVE each other). I wouldn't be talking to DD about cocaine, I'd be talking to her about addiction red flags. Like using every day, mood changes, spending more than she has, prioritising substances over people, anything that would make HER believe she has an issue.

A shy person and cocaine are interesting because it's meeting a need in her. To be sociable, talkative, lively, liked. Drugs are more dangerous if they meet a need in someone.

However, the vast majority of people use whatever they use for a while, grow up and stop using as much or at all. With no real effects. Alienating her will be worse than that path.