Worried sick about DD drug use and job

[diamondsareforever4]

My DD is 21 years old. She has always been quite introverted and lives at home whilst studying for uni. Recently, she told us she got her first job at a pub.

The problems started arising in her second week at work when her shifts ended at 10pm but she started arriving home at 2am. This happened every single shift she did (4 times a week). When I called her to check if she was okay, she would say she was having a chat with her co-workers and would catch the uber home in a bit. I was quite dubious as to why she would stay behind 4 hours after her shift every day to chat to co-workers she had barely known for a week.

One morning, whilst doing the washing, I found cocaine in her jeans pocket. My heart plummeted and when I confronted her about it she said it was from work. I then raised my concerns to her manager who was quite relaxed about the entire situation. Since then, I have seen a massive change in her behaviour. She is snappy, irritated, withdrawn and talks about moving out of the house often because she feels restricted. She hasn't been to work in a while due to lockdown but she still talks about how much she loves her work, co-workers and how she can't wait to go back.

I'm a single mother who genuinely doesn't know what to do. My main concern is how her behaviour changed so drastically within the space of the 4 weeks she was working there. DD went from a sweet, easy going 21 year old to a moody, argumentative person who repeatedly tells me that she want's to move out a "live life how she wants". I'm concerned about how easily influenced she is and the blase attitude of the pub owner who still kept her on despite me voicing my concerns about her welfare and the illegal substances at his pub.

I haven't slept properly in 2 months. Could someone pls give me some advice on what to do :(

I would definitely phone one of the drug helpline , just for someone to talk too.
I wouldn’t have drugs in house, I would go softly first. Then maybe let her go. I bet she will come running home. But don’t give her money.(I’m horrible, no money of mine is going to drug dealers, they are the real horrible people). Near me in the city centre the poor drug addicts have no teeth and look dreadful. I bet they didn’t think their life was going to end up like that.

I have begged her to find another job and if she needs money in the meantime, I will cover her expenses. She has told me it's not even about the money and "she doesn't go to work for the money"..She has also said that if she leaves this pub then she will actively go out of her way to find another pub job.

You sound lovely, but a bit naive, OP.
Taking drugs is as normal, actually probably even more common, than drinking a cup of tea, for a lot of people in that age group.

Your DD will be fine, but let her know you'll always be there for her, if she moves out.

I think she is doing more than taking drugs after hours. There is the very strong possibility that she is ‘working’ and is trapped by a circle of having to pay off the drugs by ‘working’ and that is why she has a complete change of personality.

You are not a failure as a mother but you are a bit naive (nothing wrong with that) about how young people can easily be sucked into an unsavoury lifestyle.

You cannot blame her Manager. Drugs are everywhere. It is up to her to decide to take the or not. So let her move out. You cannot control her taking drugs, hanging out with whoever, wherever. Sorry I know its awful but just be clear with yourself these are HER choices not yours.

You sound lovely, but a bit naive, OP.

This, sorry.

The vast majority of people who use drugs while young don't become addicted and never suffer any consequences worse than a bad night out. It's not a good thing for her to be doing, no. But she is an adult, has been for some time now, and so, so many people dabble.

You don't have to go on housing her, but you can't stop her or protect her. She is an adult and she wants to break away and make her own mistakes. The odds are heavily on the side of her being absolutely fine. But whether she is or she isn't, it's her life now. She knows what you think and she doesn't agree. Let her find her own way and have to fend for herself.

Working in a pub and doing recreational drugs aged 20ish was a lot of fun for me at that age. And a lot of people I know. We all grew up to be normal people who wouldn’t ever do drugs now and have normal jobs.

I’d live and let live a bit. Very odd the manager called you and you mentioned drugs to her / him. What pubs are open in lockdown atm anyway?

I think she is doing more than taking drugs after hours. There is the very strong possibility that she is ‘working’ and is trapped by a circle of having to pay off the drugs by ‘working’ and that is why she has a complete change of personality.

Jesus this really is crap. 4 hours after work is ver likely to just be having a lock in with her colleagues. She hasn’t become a prostitute as well

I'm intrigued as to where the OP lives as aren't all the pubs in mainland UK closed?

DD is 20 and she and her friends don't do drugs. I find it depressing that so many posters are normalising it. Round here the drug of choice is weed for those who partake. Cocaine is too expensive.

@Respectabitch

You sound lovely, but a bit naive, OP.

This, sorry.

The vast majority of people who use drugs while young don't become addicted and never suffer any consequences worse than a bad night out. It's not a good thing for her to be doing, no. But she is an adult, has been for some time now, and so, so many people dabble.

You don't have to go on housing her, but you can't stop her or protect her. She is an adult and she wants to break away and make her own mistakes. The odds are heavily on the side of her being absolutely fine. But whether she is or she isn't, it's her life now. She knows what you think and she doesn't agree. Let her find her own way and have to fend for herself.

If we put the drugs to one side, I think my main concern is the speed at which things happened. It only took 7 days for her to start staying behind every single shift for 4 hours. And if she's taking drugs everytime she's working that would make it 4 times a week which is quite concerning.

Also 2 weeks into her job, her mood changed completely and she told me she hated living at home. The speed at which she changed just doesn't sit right with me. In total, she only worked at the pub for 4 weeks before it locked down, yet she still talks about her work colleagues on a daily basis. Just a bit odd? I would understand if this was a couple of months in but not 4 weeks.

Staying after shifts when working behind bars is not just common but expected.

It sounds like she is now behaving like a typical 21 year old. It's normal to want to move out at that age. It's normal to be taken with your cool new job. It's even somewhat normal to experiment with drugs. It seems like she's acting normally.

@Ginfordinner

I'm intrigued as to where the OP lives as aren't all the pubs in mainland UK closed?

DD is 20 and she and her friends don't do drugs. I find it depressing that so many posters are normalising it. Round here the drug of choice is weed for those who partake. Cocaine is too expensive.

Sorry, should have clarified. This occurred in October-early November. Since then the pub has been shut due to lockdown

@Lofu

Staying after shifts when working behind bars is not just common but expected.

It sounds like she is now behaving like a typical 21 year old. It's normal to want to move out at that age. It's normal to be taken with your cool new job. It's even somewhat normal to experiment with drugs. It seems like she's acting normally.

So you don't think there's a cause for concern if you saw this rapid change in your own daughter?

I'm afraid I'm not as relaxed as some of these posters, having witnessed first hand the damage drugs can do to you, my brother is now homeless with severe MH issues due to his drug use, which he still isn't prepared to give up.

I know you won't want to hear this but there is nothing you can do to help her. She is feeling suffocated by you it's shit when your only trying to help but it's how she is feeling, step back and let her lead the life she wants, you trying to stop her will push her away. I personally wouldn't allow any form of drugs in my home, with younger children I think you absolutely need to lay that rule down. The rest of it you have to leave it up to her to figure out, just keep telling her you love her, don't smother her but engage in conversation that doesn't involve her work, new friends or drug use. If that is all you ever talk about she will completely avoid you, and move out as soon as she can.
It's really tough I know I've been watching my parents deal with this for the last 7-8 years, it's as good as broken them but they tried to go the same route as you by enforcing rules, communication broke down until it got the the point where they couldn't cope with him and the outbursts. I really hope that doesn't happen to you.

I'm a single parent to a young DD and too would be very upset if she ever used drugs, let alone cocaine.

I'm also not much older than your daugher and would never use (have a drug addicted parent so fully aware of the awful consequences)/have many friends who don't use, but it is true that it's common among other groups.

I'd perhaps give her some time and see what happens when she returns (as much as this is going to be awfully horrible for you). If it progresses you need to let her move out or it will inevitably affect you and your other child. Serious drug addition can lead to terrible, I mean terrible behaviours.

She is probably enjoying the intial buzz and socialization that comes with drug taking/working in a pub, but I'm sure she will soon lose that excitement, especially if it is having an effect on her studies.

Of course if she does move out and it progresses, there is help out there but she needs to become aware of the consequences of using. If she's using socially and not addicted, chances are she won't want or seek any support.

I can understand your worry though, and do hope you are ok.

@purpleboy

I'm afraid I'm not as relaxed as some of these posters, having witnessed first hand the damage drugs can do to you, my brother is now homeless with severe MH issues due to his drug use, which he still isn't prepared to give up.

I know you won't want to hear this but there is nothing you can do to help her. She is feeling suffocated by you it's shit when your only trying to help but it's how she is feeling, step back and let her lead the life she wants, you trying to stop her will push her away. I personally wouldn't allow any form of drugs in my home, with younger children I think you absolutely need to lay that rule down. The rest of it you have to leave it up to her to figure out, just keep telling her you love her, don't smother her but engage in conversation that doesn't involve her work, new friends or drug use. If that is all you ever talk about she will completely avoid you, and move out as soon as she can.
It's really tough I know I've been watching my parents deal with this for the last 7-8 years, it's as good as broken them but they tried to go the same route as you by enforcing rules, communication broke down until it got the the point where they couldn't cope with him and the outbursts. I really hope that doesn't happen to you.

I'm so sorry to hear this, I really do sympathise with your parents. I made this thread as a cry for help because I have literally driven myself insane with my thoughts but as you've rightfully put it; there's not much I can do. It's so soul destroying and I find myself riddled with anxiety thinking about so many different scenarios.

@User9000897

I'm a single parent to a young DD and too would be very upset if she ever used drugs, let alone cocaine.

I'm also not much older than your daugher and would never use (have a drug addicted parent so fully aware of the awful consequences)/have many friends who don't use, but it is true that it's common among other groups.

I'd perhaps give her some time and see what happens when she returns (as much as this is going to be awfully horrible for you). If it progresses you need to let her move out or it will inevitably affect you and your other child. Serious drug addition can lead to terrible, I mean terrible behaviours.

She is probably enjoying the intial buzz and socialization that comes with drug taking/working in a pub, but I'm sure she will soon lose that excitement, especially if it is having an effect on her studies.

Of course if she does move out and it progresses, there is help out there but she needs to become aware of the consequences of using. If she's using socially and not addicted, chances are she won't want or seek any support.

I can understand your worry though, and do hope you are ok.

I am seeing glimpses of those behaviours now. She at one told me that she hates me and our family and prefers the co-workers she's known for a month because they're "nice" to her which shocked me to the core. thank you for your well wishes, they're much needed atm x

It's pretty common for young people to use drugs recreationally and for the majority it never becomes a problem. They grow out of it eventually.

For some it does become a problem.

Your daughter will make her own decisions, there is nothing you can do about that unfortunately. All you can do is say what you will accept in your home, and make sure she knows you are there for her.

Re: the mood change, it could be down to a number of things. It's very normal to stay after hours and drink and party. She likely feels crap now due to having found something she thought she was into and then she lost it due to lockdown.

If I were you, I'd keep an eye on it. Let her know you won't tolerate drugs or drug use in your house, but otherwise be normal and supportive of her. Likelihood it will be fine.

This is a really tough age, when they still are kids in so many ways but cos they are legally adults you have little power.

Sorry, i don't believe drugs are as normal as what some posters are saying. Like others i have witnessed the chaos drugs can cause and its horrendous. I am very anti drugs because of this and don't understand how people can normalise it tbh.

I'm sorry OP, if its any consolation my mum would have done exactly the same as you out of concern for your daughter. She's only young so it is likely it all seems very new and exciting and shes probably made some 'cool' friends and they introduced her to the cocaine. Unfortunately as others have said, you kind of have to let her get on with it, chances are this is a phase and with a bit of time and space she will see that having a supportive mum and lovely home is much better than a council flat.

Has she got nay friends from uni you could suggest she lives with? so you aren't suffocating her but just offering an alternative maybe?

I hope you're okay OP xx

If we put the drugs to one side, I think my main concern is the speed at which things happened. It only took 7 days for her to start staying behind every single shift for 4 hours. And if she's taking drugs everytime she's working that would make it 4 times a week which is quite concerning.

Also 2 weeks into her job, her mood changed completely and she told me she hated living at home. The speed at which she changed just doesn't sit right with me. In total, she only worked at the pub for 4 weeks before it locked down, yet she still talks about her work colleagues on a daily basis. Just a bit odd? I would understand if this was a couple of months in but not 4 weeks.

No, it doesn't surprise me that she was staying out every time after a week. There is very often a work hard/play hard culture in hospitality where you'd stay out after a shift. And as you don't have to be at work the next morning it's doable. She is having fun.

She's infatuated with the life she's discovered. She sounds like she has been, I'm sorry, pretty sheltered up until now. Now she's found a whole new world and it's fun and absorbing and she likes it. It's not really about the individual people most likely as much as it is about feeling young and free and dangerous and enjoying herself.

Most likely she will sober up, in every sense, at some point. The vast majority of young adults get it out of their system and grow up to be responsible and normal.

So has she taken drugs since November?
I’m struggling to see the issue regarding her working life/habits if she hasn’t been at work for 6 weeks or more?

Is this a 21 year old who has never lived away from home or had a job before?

Also has she had friends/a life away from home before?

If she hasn't and if, not saying it's the case, you've been very sheltering/controlling then the doubling down on interrogating her about what time she comes home from work (perks of pub jobs at that age were lock ins and free drinks and a chance to socialise yourselves after working all evening) may be the cause of behaviour and attitude change rather than a few lines of coke.

Obviously it could be that she really is doing loads of drugs, has been led astray by awful (sounding fairly normal though) young bar workers etc but context is everything and I cannot figure why you couldn't just let her be over what time she came home at 21.

Oh Mumsnet, you never change
Dd wants to do drugs--- oh, it's normal
Find drugs on dh --- leave the bastard

I would be very worried about her, the mood changes, coming in very late, using cocaine, which parent wouldn't be concerned? However, she's 20, and wants to go out and live her life. I think moving out might be the way forward, I wouldn't have illegal drugs in my household and my teens know this, although this doesn't mean they don't when out of the household, you can't follow them about!

It might not be a big deal to some but I would be more worried about cocaine use than cannabis, for example, and especially that it's become so entrenched and regular quite quickly. I have friends who used to do cocaine occasionally, on a night out, this seems a bit more everyday.

What can you do though, except put boundaries around her when she's in your house. It might be better for her to move out and live in that flat really, I just wouldn't want it around the younger children and ultimately she is old enough and it is her life.

Jesus! Some of the responses on here!

Making it sound as though OP is some sort of controlling parent for not wanting her daughter taking hard drugs.

I don’t know where you lot come from that you suddenly stop doing your best for your children once they turn a certain age?! 🤷‍♀️