Worried sick about DD drug use and job

[diamondsareforever4]

My DD is 21 years old. She has always been quite introverted and lives at home whilst studying for uni. Recently, she told us she got her first job at a pub.

The problems started arising in her second week at work when her shifts ended at 10pm but she started arriving home at 2am. This happened every single shift she did (4 times a week). When I called her to check if she was okay, she would say she was having a chat with her co-workers and would catch the uber home in a bit. I was quite dubious as to why she would stay behind 4 hours after her shift every day to chat to co-workers she had barely known for a week.

One morning, whilst doing the washing, I found cocaine in her jeans pocket. My heart plummeted and when I confronted her about it she said it was from work. I then raised my concerns to her manager who was quite relaxed about the entire situation. Since then, I have seen a massive change in her behaviour. She is snappy, irritated, withdrawn and talks about moving out of the house often because she feels restricted. She hasn't been to work in a while due to lockdown but she still talks about how much she loves her work, co-workers and how she can't wait to go back.

I'm a single mother who genuinely doesn't know what to do. My main concern is how her behaviour changed so drastically within the space of the 4 weeks she was working there. DD went from a sweet, easy going 21 year old to a moody, argumentative person who repeatedly tells me that she want's to move out a "live life how she wants". I'm concerned about how easily influenced she is and the blase attitude of the pub owner who still kept her on despite me voicing my concerns about her welfare and the illegal substances at his pub.

I haven't slept properly in 2 months. Could someone pls give me some advice on what to do :(

@diamondsareforever4 I’m sorry you need to step back.

She’s your adult daughter. Do you really think I ever talked about taking drugs with my mother? Of course I didn’t! I have a great relationship with my mum now, but I never ever shared what went on when I went out.

Leave her alone and she’ll stop being so snippy. Stop chasing her about her university work - she’s a grown woman, no wonder she’s annoyed! She’ll be up for girly chats with you when she knows you’re not going to shoehorn in a concerned comment about her social life or her uni work. It’s her business not yours.

The fact that you notice she’s ‘hiding her phone’ - does this really surprise you? You don’t approve of anything she is doing with her life at the moment, she’s not going to want to share the contents of her phone with you.

I’m sorry if this sounds harsh, I really am. But I really think you need to loosen the apron strings or you will push her away even further.

I have always found Mumsnet has a really weirdly relaxed attitude to coke.. probably because it’s the drug of choice for high earning work away DHs and middle class bored sahms. You are right to be worried op. I’m sorry about the crap responses you’ve had on here.

@Regularsizedrudy

I have always found Mumsnet has a really weirdly relaxed attitude to coke.. probably because it’s the drug of choice for high earning work away DHs and middle class bored sahms. You are right to be worried op. I’m sorry about the crap responses you’ve had on here.

It’s a pretty mixed bag to be fair. Some people relaxed about it while others are saying she’ll end up homeless, her teeth will fall out and she’s already turned to prostitution to fund her habit

its not aboit being relaxed its about dealing with the reality... we aren't being relaxed to point out that many students take coke and grow out of it... we aren't being relaxed to point out that being too heavy handed and controlling will actually make the situation worse when this is a grown woman we are talking about..
Its all very well and good to get hysterical about this issue but who are you actually helping jd what is it going to achieve?
This is not posters being relaxed its them being practical and having real experience of it.

And someone actually cropped up on this thread suggesting the dd might also be a prostitute so I dont know how you can say mumsnet is relaxed!!!

Another thing I'd like to add here is that a real coke addict would not have coke left in a bag would they.

I've taken coke in my twenties and did not even develop an addiction to it but I can tell you now I never had any left in my bag at the end of a night when I did do it!
That really indicates casual rare use to me, that she had some left.

It took me a while to respond sorry.

The more you post the more I want to rail against you to be quite honest. I’m nearly 40, I know without a shadow of a doubt had my mum done what you are doing I would have never come home from uni and would have never confided in her again. Immature? Probably. But that’s what people are like at this age. Clearly she’s never pushed boundaries with you before.

There is nothing you can do without damaging your relationship. Drugs ruin lives. But they also don’t. She’s not an idiot and she’s not a child - she’s a grown woman who can make her own choices.

And I agree - it’s not about having a relaxed attitude to drugs, it’s about having a realistic attitude.

Does it make sense to say you’re worried about her but then say you’ll lock her out of the house if she doesn’t come home in time for curfew?! (As someone suggested?) I’d say not.

Air your disapproval and concern and move on.

If she wants to move out then encourage her to find a decent place and let her go. She's not a kid (can't believe someone said she is at 21). Time for her to find out how little she really knows about life. If she wants to stay I would tell her to cut the attitude with you and especially with her younger siblings

@titchy

I think a part of me would rather have her at home so I know she is still safe at the end of the night.

This is course is at the heart of the problem. A young woman who has never been encouraged to be independent because of her mother's fear. And is now beginning to rebel and go off the rails.

Yep. As suspected. Confirmed after reading this: I do appreciate your point of view but its how drastic the change is. She has never expressed an interest in drugs/nights out. She used to be a bubbly girl who would always be up for a girly chat with me and her younger siblings

She's growing up and wants a life, got a job and was enjoying doing grown up things like hanging round with colleagues for drinks after work at 21 years of age. You immediately came in with the interrogation and want to blame her change on the big bad world out there when it's likely more that you tried to smother the beginnings of a life and she has realised how controlling it all is and how she really needs to move on with her life.

I think the coke is a red herring here.

I sometimes wonder if anyone remembers being young.

OP I wasn't saying that pub managers supply the drugs. I meant that drug taking goes on in all pubs. How do you know it's the manager who is supplying the drugs?

@TheHoneyBadger

I sometimes wonder if anyone remembers being young.

Me too. It's like people suffer a catastrophic memory fritz at age 30 or first pregnancy. Don't people remember how it felt to be a teenager or young adult? How you responded to your parents' own attempts to control, scare and criticise you out of behaviour they disapproved of?

To all those saying 'I wonder if anyone remembers to be young.'

I'm under 30. So I guess you'd count me as 'young' and none of my friends or I ever did any illegal drugs, including weed. No one I knew at university did drugs. No one I knew at school did drugs. We had a good time going out, getting drunk and making mistakes that way.

It isn't a thing that 'all young people do.'

Don't try and normalise it. OP is right to be worried.

Hey OP I understand why you’re worried, sadly in my experience all pubs have a coke dealing manager / staff member (I worked at 6 different pubs in central London in my 20s). The last straw for me was when my bf kicked off and gave me the ultimatum - him or my coke fuelled pub job. I chose him and was furious about it but now we have a lovely baby girl and no drug addictions and I am so glad!!
Sorry I don’t have advice for you other than try not to push your daughter away too much - she wants to be independent and grown up but she’ll always want her ma to support her too... I never spoke to my mum about drugs until I was well clean of them, but tbh moving out of her house and being free to pursue them all day every day was not good for me. Keep her close if you can OP. Best of luck x

Not RTFT but OP you need to draw the line. As PPs said cocaine is RIFE within the hospitality industry. If it wasn't that it could easily be binge drinking.

The line you have to draw is what you can control which is...she bought COCAINE INTO YOUR HOUSE. Your roof, your rules. I'd have gone down that route of being furious about bringing it home, and then secondarily express that you don't want her to be using drugs, the idea that you can't have an opinion with your own child is ridiculous but she may not agree with you, but for your own sanity you need to be honest. I'd lay down some rules that if she messes up at Uni there is no free renting with you, she's on her own etc. And offer to help her find a new job if she wants...

Who says she can’t have an opinion?!

I really think you need to read the thread instead of making assumptions.

I'd even mention that you have picked up or heard or read that cocaine is a huge problem in the sector. I waitressed in my 20s and lost a good year of my life to it until I saw sense.

Sorry but your brain is still developing until early 30s and you don't know what you might trigger by using stimulants.

The people saying it's her life, let her make her own mistakes? Maybe ridiculous isn't the right choice of word...long day.

I think the general consensus is that I should be less assertive and let her make her own decisions which I will now take on board. I will definitely be less hostile when approaching the subject.

For me now, it's dealing with the constant state of fear every single day. She's secretive about who she talks to and spends most her day in her room. I can't sleep at night. I just stare at the ceiling whilst my mind goes into overdrive. My DH passed away five years ago so I'm raising my kids alone and don't really have anyone to lean on.

If anyone could give me tips on how to deal with that then pls let me know

If she's doing a masters, her student loan only covers tuition. And I don't know Anyone Who doesn't finish a wrap and leaves it half used in their pockets.

And I'm struggling to understand by her manager would call you about her back. She's over 28 - s/he has no valid reason for discussing his employee with you - regardless of whether you're her mother or not.

OK, now we're getting to the reasons behind this behaviour.
Your brother reiterating your lectures has had no effect except to entrench her attitude - she's even verbalised it now so she's almost in the position of not being able to back down. A neutral person who she sees more as a friend or who she admires may be able to keep her talking better.
Yes, she probably wants to be like her friend and is missing her mate at uni. She's lonely OP.
It's hard to admit that, it can feel a lot like failure.

@MondayYogurt

OK, now we're getting to the reasons behind this behaviour. Your brother reiterating your lectures has had no effect except to entrench her attitude - she's even verbalised it now so she's almost in the position of not being able to back down. A neutral person who she sees more as a friend or who she admires may be able to keep her talking better. Yes, she probably wants to be like her friend and is missing her mate at uni. She's lonely OP. It's hard to admit that, it can feel a lot like failure.

I don't think she's lonely. I think all my efforts to give her an easy life have blown up in my face. I never did set boundaries. I have let her live rent free, she has no expenses other then the clothes she buys herself. I even paid for her driving lessons and test.

In doing so she hasn't learnt many life lessons and now that she has a job it seems to me that she's become dazzled. It's just painful doing so much for your child and all I ever asked was for her to not take drugs and find a better working environment. I do feel like an awful parent.

When I said taking drugs at 21 is somewhat normal I did mean normal only, not desirable or clever. For what it's worth every person I can think of who dabbled in drugs at uni is now very professional and boring. The only people I know who went on to have awful drug habits had other things going on, mental health issues, terrible family dynamics etc. There's a difference between using drugs to escape your reality and dabbling for a bit of risky fun. It sounds like the daughter is doing the latter.

Sorry, are you only now mentioning that her dad (or step dad?) died when she was a child? How could you possibly not think that is relevant to what is happening?

If you're making comments to her about you "giving her an easy life" then I'm not surprised she's pulling away from you. It's a self-centred, antagonistic position for a parent to take at the best of times, let alone with someone who is self-medicating after a traumatic childhood that you apparently consider inconsequential.

I don't know what to say to that. It's shocking.

I worked in the hospitality industry for many years from teens to late 20’s, going out and getting drunk after every shift was the norm. In fact, my first shift in a very fancy restaurant I went out with the people who worked there, didn’t really know anybody and proceeded to get that drunk my bf at the time had to carry me from the taxi up stairs to his flat where I then spent the whole night throwing up the £1 vodkas I had been drinking all night on an empty stomach.

Those years were some of the best years of my life, I made some great friends that I still keep in contact with today. I worked in that specific place for about 7 years altogether and it ends up becoming like a big family. A big family that parties every night. I also dabbled in the occasional recreational drug use and now I’m in my 30’s, with a flat, steady partner and I’m retraining/studying for a degree and planning on buying a house and having a family.

I get where you’re coming from but I do think you’re overreacting slightly. Your daughter will find her own way in life and she’s possibly acting different because she’d found a job she enjoyed and the social life that comes along with it and it’s been snatched from her, like life has been snatched from the rest of us also.

You should make it clear you won’t tolerate drug use in your house but really, she’s an adult and what she does outside the home isn’t really your business in all honesty and you definitely shouldn’t be talking to her boss.

@Soutiner

I think she is doing more than taking drugs after hours. There is the very strong possibility that she is ‘working’ and is trapped by a circle of having to pay off the drugs by ‘working’ and that is why she has a complete change of personality.

You are not a failure as a mother but you are a bit naive (nothing wrong with that) about how young people can easily be sucked into an unsavoury lifestyle.

oh ffs 🙄. Ridiculous post